My ExH is a dick, I need an alibi

[TravellingSpoon]

so that when I go over and smother him the police wont think its me.

Its his birthday today, DD chose a nice jumper for him, gave it to him on Monday when she saw him and he opened it today as he is spending today with his GF.

DD got a message this evening which simply read 'thanks for the jumper, do you have a receipt?'.

DD is crushed and he is such an arse. He has a history of wanky behaviour since our split just over a year ago, and they have only just started spending time together again as he didn't see them from Christmas to the beginning of August.

TWATWAFFLE.

[Ffsffsffsffsffs]

You're on my sofa op, crack another bottle open while we watch another episode of Dexter plan both our exes demise

[ShinyGreenElephant]

Oh I would take him to pieces, what a horror!!

[Lollypop701]

I might need a patio expansion... Tbf the classic ‘no’ is a complete sentence sounds good, take it back anyway and go for a girls lunch with the actual refund. Don’t get mad, get even!

[Leeds2]

Your poor DD.

[Leaannb]

You are house sitting in Newmarket

[Jessi1972]

You were with me, in the library without the spanner

[PinkyX]

Can I join? Have an ex id love to bury to

[vodkaredbullgirl]

The ungrateful twat.

[ivykaty44]

what a shame for your dc

bet they won't make so much effort in future

[AnotherVice]

Playing devil's advocate, any chance it's the wrong size?

[slipperywhensparticus]

How old is dd?

Your in the Midlands helping me with a patio

[GoldenPlatitudes]

I have ordered a takeaway for the 2 of us

What a fucking twat. Hope the receipt gives him a brutal paper cut

[Justmuddlingalong]

You were in your local supermarket, captured by CCTV doing a monthly shop. You were wearing a facemask.

[DelphineWalsh]

Send him back the reciept soaked in hydrofluoric acid.

[Tinkerbell456]

I was with you in Midsomer pushing a gargoyle off of a roof on someone’s head when your ex was killed by that wheel of cheese.

[FlippinNoah]

You were with me that night.

Offer sweetly to exchange it for him. "Ooo sorry, did we get the wrong size? Is it too small? "

Then spend the refund how you see fit.

[Peace43]

You kill mine and I’ll kill yours!

[slipperywhensparticus]

@Peace43

You kill mine and I’ll kill yours!

Strangers on a train?

[HavelockVetinari]

Aye, you were with me, we were busy carving pumpkins / having cocktails / playing badminton.

In a complete non sequitur, I really do need a new patio.

[Sexnotgender]

@Peace43

You kill mine and I’ll kill yours!

I was about to offer the same, perhaps a 3 way split? Less chance of being caught.

[4starbie]

Wow that's awful. I'd give you an alibi for that 💯

[WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]

Well, obviously you were here, do they think these 🎃 carved themselves??

Wanker.

[TravellingSpoon]

Thank you for all the offers.

DD is 11 and very sensitive. Even if it didnt fit, he could have just text me, or taken it back to the shop I got it from to exchange it.

For Christmas he will be getting sweet FA, he can whistle if he thinks I am spending another penny on his ungrateful arse.

[NancyPickford]

You were here in my cottage in the west coast of Scotland, watching the full moon and drinking single malt whisky. We watched lots of Netflix too.

[Justmuddlingalong]

He's the ideal recipient of the dreaded Baylis and Harding toiletry set.