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To expect DH’s help and support?

(232 Posts)
TigerBrite Fri 30-Oct-20 10:01:44

I used to work in hospitality but have been unemployed for several months due to Covid. There’s no sign of jobs like mine returning any time soon, and when they do the competition will be huge. I could be unemployed for years.

DH works in web design at a big computing firm. They often hire freelance contractors to do bits and bobs, and they have small “one man band” companies who hire their equipment and collaborate with them. DH often complains that these self employed guys are just knocking out websites with very little skill and are probably earning as much as he does. So I thought if they can do it then so can I? Not necessarily working with DH, just using his expert knowledge and skills to guide and inform my freelance business.

I planned to learn the basics with DH’s support and build up slowly, studying while DC is at school and working from home. I asked DH to help me write a business plan because he knows everything about the industry.

He has refused. He said I don’t have the skills, there are lots of complicated factors I haven’t considered like needing equipment and insurance, and where would I find clients? In fact he criticised me until he made me cry. I said yes, that’s why I asked you to direct me on what to learn, advise me and help me write a business plan? So then he got angry and said if you want to do it then just do it, why do I have to be involved? You just want me to do it for you because you’re not capable of doing anything by yourself! It’s not my business and if you can’t do it yourself then you shouldn’t be doing it at all!

So now I feel really demotivated because I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask him to support me with his expert knowledge, because I’m his wife but also because he would benefit from having a wife who’s employed and earning money. I chose this path because I had an expert to advise me and I have no idea where to start on my own.

OP’s posts: |
ErickBroch Fri 30-Oct-20 10:03:56

He sounds absolutely awful. I think you can be honest without being nasty. If I told my DP I wanted to become a software developer and he thought I would struggle for X reason - he would do so in a nice way and encourage me into a different area.

I don't know what to say other than YANBU and can you look into it externally?

Merryoldgoat Fri 30-Oct-20 10:06:39

Your DH has been utterly vile - there’s no doubt about that.

However I think
You’re being unrealistic about changing career without any clue as to what you’d be doing.

A business plan is a big jump when you have no expertise.

Petitmum Fri 30-Oct-20 10:10:26

I think you have been very nieve and unrealistic in thinking that you can just set up a business in an industry that you don't know!

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal Fri 30-Oct-20 10:12:29

He could've been kinder, but this does sound like a bit of a daft plan - one which would create a lot of extra work for him due to the level of "support" you'd require.

user1471457751 Fri 30-Oct-20 10:14:39

I think yabu to think you can start a business when you have not only no experience but no capability to provide what your business will offer. Why would anyone pay for that?
It's also not on to expect your husband to have to spend all his free time teaching you. He needs a break from work. And if you can't even write a business plan then I don't see how you think this will work.
Your plan is basically to get your husband to work lot a so you may at one point have a business but nobody will pay you when you have no experience or qualifications so it's all a bit pointless.
There will also be more skill involved than you think.

FieldOverFence Fri 30-Oct-20 10:14:54

He definitely could have been kind in how he said it to you, but if my DH wanted to move into my industry as freelancer where he had no previous experience, and expected me to tell him what to do and how to do it, I would absolutely say no

BeeFarseer Fri 30-Oct-20 10:15:33

Ok. So your DH has been contemptuous of the work done by these contractors and yet you thought 'Hey, I could do that?'.

He isn't being very nice to you, but why on earth did you think he'd be willing to help you learn a role that he depises as being not good enough?

araiwa Fri 30-Oct-20 10:19:26

He's expressed it a lot more politely than I would have done to someone clearly taking the piss out of my profession then expecting me to do all the work and teach you everything you need to know so you could compete with me offering lower prices for lower quality

Exceptional cfery

AmaryllisNightAndDay Fri 30-Oct-20 10:21:44

I chose this path because I had an expert to advise me and I have no idea where to start on my own.

It's a good idea and his experttise will be very useful, and I agree that he was unkind, but at the moment that's a very heavy burden to put on him. It's premature. You can't start writing a business plan if you as the main worker have no skills or background knowledge at all. In effect he'd have to write the plan and train you and direct you and direct the business. Wouldn't your first step be to get a few skills yourself, do a college or online course in web design and/or business skills? If you found some courses he might advise you which ones are mostly likely to be useful in his line of business. And then in a few months when you're a bit more skilled up you can talk about business plans.

Good luck flowers

TigerBrite Fri 30-Oct-20 10:21:54

A business plan is a big jump when you have no expertise
That’s the whole point of making a plan. To figure out what skills I need, to arrange courses and self-study to learn them. To decide what I can realistically start with, what I can hope to progress to later, and what I would contract out to an expert like DH. To develop a marketing strategy and begin networking. I want to start now with the aim of beginning self employment in Sept 2021. I don’t think it’s unrealistic to plan to retrain and change career.

OP’s posts: |
ErickBroch Fri 30-Oct-20 10:22:49

If my DP wanted to learn more about my industry and help getting skilled I would help him. I don't see the issue. Even if you were being a bit unrealistic, he was being plain nasty.

Flittingaboutagain Fri 30-Oct-20 10:25:57

I'm sorry he wasn't kinder but this does sound like a huge burden for him to basically walk you through it and get you skilled and knowledgeable enough to make any money could take him years. Unless you are being modest and you have some idea, it'll be him doing all the work on top his own job in reality, with you sat next to him making notes and nodding your head rather clueless.

Jeezoh Fri 30-Oct-20 10:26:00

I’m not sure you’ve grasped what a business plan is. You need to find out what courses/training you need, complete them and then think about a business plan. You also seem to expect your DH to do a lot of the work in getting to that stage for you.

RedskyAtnight Fri 30-Oct-20 10:30:16

I appreciate DH should have been gentler, but it does sound very much as though you are asking to him to organise "training by numbers" and provide quite a lot of input while you basically just do what he tells you.
And after all that you will become one of those not-very-skilled-or-experienced contractors that he moans about.

If you were genuinely interested in web design, then why haven't you used some of your recent free time to do an online training course and do something as basic as setting up your own website? I wouldn't want to invest huge amounts of time and energy in you either, for something that sounds like a whim at the moment.

TigerBrite Fri 30-Oct-20 10:31:07

one which would create a lot of extra work for him due to the level of "support" you'd require
I agree, it would create extra work for him. It would also benefit him because he’d have a self employed wife instead of one he has to support. He’s always saying how worried he is that I don’t have a career to support his child if he dies.

So your DH has been contemptuous of the work done by these contractors and yet you thought 'Hey, I could do that?
Yes. Because they’re making money with no expertise so why can’t I? At the end of the day it’s about our family income, nothing else.

expecting me to do all the work and teach you everything you need to know so you could compete with me
I wouldn’t be competing with him. He doesn’t run his own business. He’s employed on a salary. If anything I would be buying in expertise and equipment from him, like other small businesses do.

OP’s posts: |
ForTheLoveOfCatFood Fri 30-Oct-20 10:32:07

Why don’t you see if you can do some unpaid work or work experience with an expert to get some guidance on your next steps. Whilst I think anyone can do something they put their mind to I do think it sounds like a slightly naive plan. Are there any courses you can sign up to about running a business etc? I would also use job websites to work out what skills are asked for and then think how you can do that.

I don’t think it’s fair to make your DH help you create a business plan and support you so heavily although he could of been kinder with how he said it.

Cocomarine Fri 30-Oct-20 10:33:23

TigerBrite

*A business plan is a big jump when you have no expertise*
That’s the whole point of making a plan. To figure out what skills I need, to arrange courses and self-study to learn them. To decide what I can realistically start with, what I can hope to progress to later, and what I would contract out to an expert like DH. To develop a marketing strategy and begin networking. I want to start now with the aim of beginning self employment in Sept 2021. I don’t think it’s unrealistic to plan to retrain and change career.

You’re mixing up life plan and business plan - which perhaps was part of the problem?
Choosing a course to learn web design isn’t really a business plan.

I’d be interested to hear his side. “Help and support” - what does that actually mean?

For example - finding a course to learn. Does help and support mean you find three, highlight the syllabus differences and ask his opinion? Or does it mean he finds the course?

Why do you even think he could write you a business plan? He’s in-house, he’s not a contractor. He might be clueless about pitching for work himself! Everything he says about the contractors is just standard in-house mouthing off by the way, these people aren’t unskilled, and if they’re paid more than him, it’s because there’s no holiday pay, security, etc.

If I were him I’d be happy to support but irritated at spoon feeding - and without knowing you both, I don’t know where between those you were.

Are you planning to study full time for this? Wondering if there is an element of disagreement over that, which was part of his response?

Shoxfordian Fri 30-Oct-20 10:33:45

He wasn't very kind to you but he has a point. Do you even have any interest or experience at all in software development or did you just pick it out of the air as something to do?

TigerBrite Fri 30-Oct-20 10:33:56

If you were genuinely interested in web design, then why haven't you used some of your recent free time
I haven’t had free time except for the last six weeks or so since DC started school. Prior to that I was facilitating DH being able to work full time and not have to work from home and juggle childcare like his colleagues have.

OP’s posts: |
TigerBrite Fri 30-Oct-20 10:34:51

Why don’t you see if you can do some unpaid work or work experience with an expert
That’s exactly what I wanted to do. With DH.

OP’s posts: |
Cocomarine Fri 30-Oct-20 10:34:54

What expertise and equipment would you be buying in from the company he works for?

Redlocks30 Fri 30-Oct-20 10:35:19

You’ve seized on an idea to set you up in business that will involve loads or time, plans and work...for your husband!

I can see why he’s not thrilled. If it’s that easy and lucrative and he knows all about it, he’s be doing it himself.

PlanDeRaccordement Fri 30-Oct-20 10:37:15

TigerBrite

*A business plan is a big jump when you have no expertise*
That’s the whole point of making a plan. To figure out what skills I need, to arrange courses and self-study to learn them. To decide what I can realistically start with, what I can hope to progress to later, and what I would contract out to an expert like DH. To develop a marketing strategy and begin networking. I want to start now with the aim of beginning self employment in Sept 2021. I don’t think it’s unrealistic to plan to retrain and change career.

Er, that’s not a business plan. You are describing a self development plan.

As pp said, your DH was very nasty in how he said it, but your idea is a bit out there. It’s not a bad idea to retrain into a new career field. But you will need to research what qualifications you need and then go get them. Even if it’s a degree. But that said, I think you are asking for more than support from your DH. Be careful picking web design. It’s very competitive and you’d be up against teenagers with more experience and willing to work for cheaper.

Have you considered property management? It’s a career field that doesn’t require a degree and they are hiring. Your hospitality skills could transfer, because instead of managing a hotel, you are managing student housing or rental homes.
Try and find a career field where your skills and experience are somewhat transferable.

Candleabra Fri 30-Oct-20 10:38:28

I think your DH could have been kinder in how he declined, but I also think you're being very naive. Setting yourself up as a freelancer is difficult enough when you have the necessary skills for the job. It also takes a lot of time and effort to build up your reputation in the industry. Most people who go freelance do so because they already have the contacts to get started. It would be a huge amount of work for your DH, not to mention a potential conflict of interest if you expected him to hire you personally on behalf of his firm.

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