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to not understand why so many people are against adoption?

(329 Posts)
Confusedamonium Thu 29-Oct-20 16:35:18

Before deciding to adopt, I'd never really been aware of this but it appears that a huge chunk of society are really, really against adoption - and I just don't understand why.
- SIL thinks children should be in foster care in case their parents change their minds or change their behaviour. She thinks permanently removing a child (no matter how much support has been offered or how long/severe the problems are) is unfair on the biological parents.
- DM thinks that no one can love an adopted child as much as a biological child - despite what we tell her.
People make comments about how cruel it is that children are taken from their parents (to both the children and the parents). Can anyone actually explain why they think it's better that children either float around foster placements or remain in abusive homes?
What really shocks me is that foster carers are perceived as saintly carers for innocent souls and adopters are perceived as evil child snatchers. My parents foster and get no end of praise for it but one mention of adoption and people turn frosty.

OP’s posts: |
Neolara Thu 29-Oct-20 16:38:57

I have never heard anyone say things like that. I think people who believe children should stay with their birth parents at any cost must have fairly limited life experience.

hibbledibble Thu 29-Oct-20 16:39:18

I haven't seen this personally. I see those adopting as doing a wonderful thing. In the us, I understand that people may have issues about private adoptions however.

SarahAndQuack Thu 29-Oct-20 16:41:01

People are very weird. My DD isn't adopted but also isn't my biological daughter, so I get the one about people presuming you don't love them as much, and it is profoundly odd, isn't it? Through history millions of children have been loved and parented by people who weren't their biological parents.

I think people are often much more conservative than they imagine themselves to be.

MutteringDarkly Thu 29-Oct-20 16:41:41

You can't change what someone is determined to think. You can invite them to consider other information, but pushing them tends to make them dig in harder to their original belief.

Your SIL is partly right - it is a huge hurt to the birth parents. But the child's hurt trumps theirs unfortunately, and the child can't wait in suspended animation indefinitely, so there comes a point when it has to go to a judge to decide the best solution for the child. The judge is not choosing the best solution for the birth parents, because that's not who the judge is tasked with protecting. Should there be more support for parents who are struggling, and parents whose children are temporarily or permanently removed? 100% yes. But a vulnerable child has absolutely no other choices or protection, whereas the theory is that adults could make more positive choices (I realise that it's not that simple at all).

For the point about loving them, surely we love our partners and they aren't biologically related to us? smile

Porcupineinwaiting Thu 29-Oct-20 16:44:50

The attitudes you mention are true for some adults and some children. Adoption is not a universal panacea and is not suitable for some people (either as adopter or adoptee).

Confusedamonium Thu 29-Oct-20 16:45:30

For those saying they'd never heard this - nor had I until we decided to adopt. Speaking to other adoptive parents, apparently it's very common. Along with the [insert eye roll here] "what happened to his REAL parents?"

OP’s posts: |
Juniperandrage Thu 29-Oct-20 16:45:37

Adopters are also perceived to be saintly carers for innocent souls, mine were incredibly abusive and so many people don't believe that because "adoptive parents don't do that"

I do think we should have a better systems in place to support families of origin so less children end up in the care system.

UnderTheNameOfSanders Thu 29-Oct-20 16:46:13

As an adopter I haven't come across those views directly.
However, mainly I would say the answer to your question is ignorance.
People like your SIL don't understand the value of permanence to children, my DD visibly relaxed once her adoption order came through.
Your DM just can't seem to understand that other people can have different feelings to her.

Omeara Thu 29-Oct-20 16:47:15

Sometimes the parents choose to place the child for adoption. I have two friends that are adopted and in both cases the parents did not want the child.

DisappearingGirl Thu 29-Oct-20 16:47:25

I've never heard anyone say they are against adoption, or fostering for that matter!

Thisisnotnormal69 Thu 29-Oct-20 16:47:54

Eh, the “huge chunk of society” is...your SIL and your mum?

Confusedamonium Thu 29-Oct-20 16:49:12


Eh, the “huge chunk of society” is...your SIL and your mum?

That's just two examples.

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SnackSizeRaisin Thu 29-Oct-20 16:51:22

I think a lot of people are ignorant about it. Or prejudiced.
I am not against adoption at all, but I do question the wisdom of cutting children off from their birth family entirely. (I know there are often letters sent once a year but that seems to be about it in most cases).
Surely it would be better, where safe to do so, for direct contact to be maintained with birth parents, grandparents and siblings? Especially when children are old enough to remember these people. This would probably put a lot of people off adopting though!

Mrsjayy Thu 29-Oct-20 16:52:22

So your sister in law and your mum think.. I can't imagine adopting children is a breeze children in care usually come with trauma but I've never really heard reason's not to adopt is incase the parents want them back.

Thisisnotnormal69 Thu 29-Oct-20 16:53:38

@Confusedamonium But who else are you talking about? A few other family & friends? It’s fairly likely people have similar ideas who associate with each other. Doesn’t mean a whole chunk of society as a whole think like that, though it may feel like it within your own world

bigbluebus Thu 29-Oct-20 16:54:07

My friend adopted a 4 year old who was in Foster care and as far as I'm aware she's never encountered those views.

Confusedamonium Thu 29-Oct-20 16:55:16


*@Confusedamonium* But who else are you talking about? A few other family & friends? It’s fairly likely people have similar ideas who associate with each other. Doesn’t mean a whole chunk of society as a whole think like that, though it may feel like it within your own world

Forgive me, I didn't poll the entire nation before posting on Mumsnet - I could go onto almost any thread on this site and post that the entire world isn't just the people OP has met, read about on the internet, heard about from third parties...

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calllaaalllaaammma Thu 29-Oct-20 16:55:33

I didn’t know that people had any objection to adoption; I personally think that you are giving a child’s second chance.
My friends adopted a child & the child had been extremely neglected They had to address many behavioural issues and put much more work into the child than if the child had been their own.

Goosefoot Thu 29-Oct-20 16:56:24

I think that sounds extreme, but I would say that there has been a shift away from seeing adoption as best in a lot of circumstances, and toward seeing value in being able to keep children with their birth mothers. You can se it too in changes to how people think about international adoption.

UnderTheNameOfSanders Thu 29-Oct-20 16:59:33

The 'real parents' thing is again ignorance. People who haven't been involved don't realise how dismissive this appears to adoptive parents. They haven't needed to think about terminology or to learn that the generally used term is 'birth parents'.

You just have to go with the flow, educate or ignore or counter-argue as you see fit depending on the situation.

Mittens030869 Thu 29-Oct-20 16:59:47

I’m an adoptive mum. My two DDs are full birth siblings and for me, that biological link between them is very important. They also have two other birth siblings; I’m in touch with their adoptive parents on Facebook and I would have liked them to be able to have regular contact, but the adoptive parents don’t feel the same way. (Hopefully this will change in the future.)

The birth parents are not in a position to look after them. But I will support my DDs if they want to have contact in the future; I’ll also be prepared to help facilitate this.

I love both my DDs as much as I would if I’d given birth to them. But I know that they have their biological family and I wouldn’t ever expect them to pretend they don’t exist. I’m hoping that the fact that they share that biological bond will one day be something that really matters to them. (They’re 11 and 8 right now and fight like any other pair of siblings, but there is a bond between them, which hopefully will mean something when they’ve grown up.)

Whatthebloodyell Thu 29-Oct-20 16:59:56

I’ve never heard any of those opinions expressed!

I have adopted members of my family and I have lurked the adoption boards on Reddit. Adoption in the USA is a different kettle of fish. I guess due to differing views
On abortion, combined with a tougher benefit system means that there seems to be heartbroken ‘birthmoms’ giving
Up their children because they are young and poor. It seems as if these women were better off financially/given more financial support then they would keep their children and I do feel uncomfortable with that.

I think it’s quite different here though. The vast majority of children available for adoption have been ‘removed’ from their birth parents for the good of the child. Adoption is a much better option for these children than a childhood of fostering.

TheWashingMachine Thu 29-Oct-20 17:01:31

Madonna's adoption of David Banda was a bit weird, but generally I think people who adopt are incredible.

Mrsjayy Thu 29-Oct-20 17:01:32

I think your problem is your close family not supporting you that seems to be the issue which is a real shame as any child you adopt you won't be able to relax around your family.

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