That him buying his own place is a step too far?

[Mollyandmack]

DP and I have had long term issues but have a toddler DC. I don't think he is very engaged with family life and spends loads of time on his phone and doesn't seem that excited at all by DC's milestones and daily life. He is very defensive when I've brought it up and seems to focus on the criticism of him being offensive rather than looking at whether it's true. I have the whole mental load and I can't rely on him to remember anything. It feels to me like although he does give DC some attention, it's like a tick box exercise before going back to his phone. He is often zoned out and gets easily bored. All of the issues between us are long and complex but ultimately, I would like to make it work if possible - for many reasons. He has threatened to leave on many occasions - and sometimes I think that would be for the best . But overall, I don't think I feel mentally ready yet to accept it's over yet. Probably I'm too sentimental to just accept it's over. The home we live in is mine and he says he wants to buy a place of his own as a financial investment. I feel that is essentially him just planning his escape while he lingers on with us until it suits him to leave. If this is the case, I would want him to rent something now and go sooner as I don't want him hanging about waiting for a house purchase! He insists it's just an investment. I have pointed out that if we were trying to make a go of things , buying an investment flat would be something we would consider together. He says as the house is mine, he needs his own protection and he's not leaving but buying as an investment flat . I feel I would have no dignity to allow my partner and father of DC to be buying his own flat while carrying on in the meantime with family life in a checked out way and essentially using us, I feel. Am I being unreasonable? Would you allow this to happen or would you suggest that instead of buying, he goes now with a rental property? Or is it reasonable for him to have his own place in the event we can't make it work?

[Leaannb]

The relationship is over. Tell him to leave

[Sunnydaysstillhere]

I eventually lived with a reluctant df. It didn't get any better.
I had zero respect for him and he had zero relationship with ds..
Ime your relationship is effectively over.

[Liveandforget]

This is the deadest of all dead horses i.e, relationships, I've come across on MN or real life. Just put yourself out of your misery and end it please.

[MootingMirror]

I think YABU to think you can own a property but he can't. Why do you view your property as acceptable if him owning a property denies you of dignity? Are you denying him of dignity by owning your house?
You seem a bit conflicted - you want him to leave but don't want him to leave... Do you think you might be overreacting and reading into this too much?
You've said he's using you - how so? Using you for what?
Him getting a rental would be completely ridiculous - why would he do that? Who would that benefit?

[SweetCruciferous]

I clicked YANBU by accident.

Why is your current home yours only rather than a joint property?

Why shouldn’t he buy his own place?

Does the home ownership issue create imbalance in your relationship?

[Florencex]

I think you are being incredibly unreasonable to not want him to buy a property when you have a property! How on earth does this effect your dignity? Do you think it effects his dignity that you have bought a property without him.

I think the relationship is an entirely separate topic. I think you need to assess it on its own merits, but certainly him wanting to buy a property should not be part of that process because it is entirely reasonable of him.

[Florencex]

@SweetCruciferous

You can change your vote, just click on the other one.

[Trisolaris]

I think the two things are entirely separate.

I live with my partner in his house. I also have my own rental flat. There is no way that I would sell that flat unless we were buying a house together as it is security for me. Are you willing to add him to your mortgage? If the answer is no then you can’t be annoyed at him wanting a rental flat for his own security.

On the other hand, you clearly have relationship issues that need to be addressed outside of this.

[Ginfordinner]

Sorry, it sounds like it is over. I guess that your toddler was an unexpected surprise?

[SweetCruciferous]

Thanks @Florencex! I changed my vote but now have somehow managed to make the voting disappear (I think I impulsively clicked on the x near the corner). Any idea how to get it back?!

[titchy]

Him buying somewhere as an investment isn't the issue - as I suspect you're aware. It's raised the reality of admitting that your relationship has all but broken down and is forcing you to respond in those terms. Sorry but I think you need to face up to this - your relationship needs putting out of its misery.

[Mollyandmack]

MootingMirror - my point is that he would be essentially planning to leave us by buying a property I think. Even though he insists it wouldn't be. Remember we have a DC. I can't imagine many dads and husbands/ partners committed to family life unilaterally buying their own flat. I own the house we live in as a family and that's because I was the only one eligible for the mortgage when it was bought. Him using would come from him living with us until it suited him to go. Hence if he is wanting to buy, perhaps leaving sooner rather than later by renting (as it's a much quicker process!) would leave me my dignity. I'm pretty unsure of myself I suppose and not sure it I would be mad to allow this situation of him making his own house purchase or if I would be unreasonable to just let him do what he wants and see what happens

[Caroncanta]

I can see why he would want to buy his own property if the family home belongs to you. Why doesn't he own a share in that?

[YellowandGreenToBeSeen]

He is planning to leave you, this is why he wants to buy. The ‘imbalance of homeownership’ is a red herring.

Your relationship is over. Sad as this is, ripping the plaster off is the best way for you to keep your dignity.

[NailsNeedDoing]

He’s right that he should be able to invest in his own financial security just as you have done. The fact that you don’t want him to have something that you already benefit from is telling that your relationship is not in a good place. Him wanting a property of his own and your relationship are separate things.

[Caroncanta]

So why is he not on the family home mortgage now? As clearly he can now get one if he's planning to buy a flat

[SweetCruciferous]

Why is he not on a deed of trust? Does he contribute to mortgage?

[Northernsoullover]

@YellowandGreenToBeSeen maybe he is planning to leave but even if he isn't why shouldn't he have his own property? I see too many women get shafted by not being on the deeds of family homes and don't have the security of marriage and its protections. It works both ways

[Sunnydaysstillhere]

When we did eventually live together he bought a flat. My name never went on. We split for good and I walked away with nothing..
Is he financially supporting his dc? Before we lived together my ex stumped up naff all.

[Mollyandmack]

He isn't exactly short of financial security to be honest. His family own quite a lot of property and there is no shortage of money which is ultimatelty all coming to him. I have nothing at all behind me and used a small inheritance as the deposit for the property. Given the relationship is really strained, adding him to the house at this moment would seem foolish. He could buy at any time really and has a very secure job. With buying now, well I guess I'm just wondering that is a sign of him just wanting out but not saying so until it suits him. It's all very stressful . He doesn't pay anything towards the mortgage so he is saving a lot of cash - there isn't a big imbalance that I'm benefitting from. In the end, if we split, yeah I will have my wee house
with nothing else ever coming andd he will have a property, money and a big inheritance coming his way! The person who asked if out toddler was a surprise...he changed after our DC came along when it wasn't all social life and easy times.

[Sparklfairy]

I get it OP. You felt he checked out of the relationship with both you and DC a while ago and now he's using the excuse of an "investment" when he's actually planning his escape.

You could suggest selling up and buying together to gauge whether you are right but I think it's over.

[flaviaritt]

This is one of those posts where I could probably argue that he has every right to buy a place (he does) and he might well just be buying it as an investment (he might be), but ultimately it sounds like you don’t trust each other enough to make a go of a long-term relationship. You’re not putting him on your mortgage either. It sounds broken.

[YellowandGreenToBeSeen]

@Northernsoullover indeed - I agree. He should be free to buy a place but in the context of the OP, he does not seem committed to the family. It’s my feeling that he’s looking to do the off.

Ideally, he’d be on the deeds of the current home (especially as it seems he can now get a mortgage) but he doesn’t appear to have made that suggestion / it’s not been suggested to him by the OP going by her posts.

[MootingMirror]

@Mollyandmack

MootingMirror - my point is that he would be essentially planning to leave us by buying a property I think. Even though he insists it wouldn't be. Remember we have a DC. I can't imagine many dads and husbands/ partners committed to family life unilaterally buying their own flat. I own the house we live in as a family and that's because I was the only one eligible for the mortgage when it was bought. Him using would come from him living with us until it suited him to go. Hence if he is wanting to buy, perhaps leaving sooner rather than later by renting (as it's a much quicker process!) would leave me my dignity. I'm pretty unsure of myself I suppose and not sure it I would be mad to allow this situation of him making his own house purchase or if I would be unreasonable to just let him do what he wants and see what happens

Are you planning to leave him by owning your house without him? If not, you're being a hypocrite by assuming he is.
How is he using you by waiting until it's convenient to leave when he's tried to leave multiple times and you won't let him?

[5foot5]

All of the issues between us are long and complex but ultimately, I would like to make it work if possible - for many reasons. He has threatened to leave on many occasions - and sometimes I think that would be for the best . But overall, I don't think I feel mentally ready yet to accept it's over yet.

I think you need to make your mind up whether you want this relationship over with or not.

Is it just his disinterest in family life that bother you or are there other things? If just the former then could he be one of these people who have no real interest in children until they get older? A friend of mine told me her Dad wasn't really interested in them as children until they were old enough to understand Pythagoras Theorem but after that they had a great relationship!

Do you think he definitely wants to go? Is that your gut feel?
If he really does then you are only dragging out the misery by trying to spin it out.

I suggest you actually encourage him to buy this other place. If it is just an investment then that seems fair enough. If it is so he can move out then so be it - better sooner rather than later.