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To suggest to DH that we draw up a declaration of trust?

(214 Posts)
Gimmeashake Wed 28-Oct-20 11:58:16

Hello all. Bit of background: my Ddad died earlier this year and left my brother and I a significant sum each. We couldn't believe it - never had anything like this sum in our lives. Anyway, I want to use some of it to pay off the help to buy loan my DH and I took out when we bought our house. I'll also put some of the remainder on to the mortgage to try and pay it off earlier. My friend suggested I request a DoT to protect this money should DH and I ever separate. I have said as much to my DH and I think he's very offended. I have made it clear that it's only because it's my dad's money and wouldn't seem right if he - for example - left, had another family (he's ten years younger than me so impossible for me but not him!) and to have 50k of my dad's money. We have one D.C. together too so I'm thinking of her future as well. He said he should therefore do the same to protect any money he makes from his entrepreneurial side ventures. I actually think it's not quite the same - I earn more than him and don't have any issue with sharing my earnings (I pay for all holidays and luxuries, house stuff and so on). I don't think he'd admit he was offended but I can tell smileI can understand this might be hurtful but I just thought it sensible. My dbro has zero intention of doing the same with his partner. Aibu? I can take it!

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Chanjer Wed 28-Oct-20 12:03:11

You're cutting it out from under him if you just proceed with it unilaterally though aren't you?

7yo7yo Wed 28-Oct-20 12:06:45

Keep it seperate.
Put it in a trust for your child.
I’ve been burned when it comes to inheritance and would trust no one.

LadyMonicaBaddingham Wed 28-Oct-20 12:08:16

Honestly, I think that your envious 'friend' is stirring the pot... I inherited money and it became family money - because we are a family.

Obviously, if you really are thinking in terms of splitting up in the future, something isn't right, but are you sure that these are your thoughts and not those of your 'friend'?

Gimmeashake Wed 28-Oct-20 12:11:40

Yes these are the thoughts of my friend. I don't think she's envious because she is far better off than me! I certainly don't assume we will be together forever though, i don't want to be naive. However, I also think of it as family money and it doesn't sit right with me to do it. I just wanted others' opinions on what they would do in my situation.

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Gimmeashake Wed 28-Oct-20 12:13:12

@7yo7yo sorry to hear that. I have read so many threads on here about women being 'left', seemingly out of the blue. No think MN has actually made me more cynical over the years...wink

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araiwa Wed 28-Oct-20 12:16:11

If you are female- you'd be sensible, prudent, safeguarding your and your child's future.

If you're male. It's not your money,it's family money, you're a selfish arse,depriving your family and financially abusive

SarahAndQuack Wed 28-Oct-20 12:19:49

Did your dad leave it to you, or to you and your DH?

I think if it was left to you, and your dad knew you were married, that was your dad's decision. I wouldn't personally feel it was wrong to recognise that.

I do get why your DH might feel a bit hurt - it could sound as if you think he is going to leave you. But I think the way you explain it in your OP is perfectly sensible. Money you earn during the relationship is shared. Money that was a gift that could have been made to both of you and was not, is not something you should feel obliged to share.

FizzyGreenWater Wed 28-Oct-20 12:20:08

Yes absolutely you should do this.

I've read too many threads on separation.

He said he should therefore do the same to protect any money he makes from his entrepreneurial side ventures. - Does he undertake these ventures entirely in his own 50% of free time when he has already fulfilled all household and childcare tasks, and chooses to do them in the place of, say, his hobby time? Then fair enough! Does he undertake these ventures on a weekend where, because of them, you find yourself juggling the kids or doing all the house crap because he's not there? Then no.

Gimmeashake Wed 28-Oct-20 12:20:21

@araiwa grin I'm spilt between the two!!

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Gimmeashake Wed 28-Oct-20 12:21:26

I feel like it gives a negative, strong message to him that I don't want to give. But. Imagine if it all went wrong - I'd be kicking myself.

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Clareflairmare Wed 28-Oct-20 12:24:29

I cannot under any circumstances imagine doing this with my DH or vice versa. I actually think you are creating the feared divorce by acting like you aren’t family.
I would say the same if it was a man who had inherited.

FizzyGreenWater Wed 28-Oct-20 12:24:48

araiwa

If you are female- you'd be sensible, prudent, safeguarding your and your child's future.

If you're male. It's not your money,it's family money, you're a selfish arse,depriving your family and financially abusive

Yes, because:

If you're female, and you split: the chances are (like 95%) that you'll be the one left with the kids living with you, thus impacting your ability to work/do overtime/train etc to continue improving your salary and prospects, and you will end up with incredibly less free time and probably tighter purse strings. Maintenance is far less than the actual cost of taking on sole mortgage, bills etc.

If you're male: the chances are (like 95%) that you'll find yourself with 75% or more of your salary just for you, and suddenly have much more free time than before. You have the power, as the kids aren't living with you, to literally do what you like when you like, and if you feel like dropping your childcare responsibilities, your ex has absilutely no choice but to suck it up. You can move jobs, move location, go on courses, go away with work, invest in super presenteeism. You can move forward and think of the kids second, or not at all. And if you don't feel like paying maintenance, you'll quite probably get away with it for quite a while at least.

That's why.

Ohalrightthen Wed 28-Oct-20 12:24:52

Tbh if my husband had done this to me I'd be assuming he was planning to leave, or at the very least assuming he'd want to in the future, and I'd likely start taking steps to protect my own interests.

If you were putting some in a trust for your kids that would be different, but the fact that you want to protect it from your husband to me demonstrates a massive lack of trust and I'd be pretty devastated if i were him.

mindutopia Wed 28-Oct-20 12:25:05

I think it depends on what your relationship is like. Honestly, I've had family money left to me (to the sum of several 100K, so quite a lot). Dh and I are happily married and it has never occurred to me to want to 'protect' that money from him. I wouldn't be destitute even if we split it in divorce as we have financial security on our own and I have a good salary. And nor would dh. Personally, I see it as our joint destiny, we're both along for the ride, and I don't feel the need to protect 'my' money from 'his' money. This is even though we do have separate personal money and we aren't involved in each other's personal spending in anyway. But this money has gone into our house and if we were to divorce, which I hope we don't, but if we did, I would happy sharing that asset as much as I've shared anything else. But I think it just depends on how you see your relationship and how you see the future. I'm pretty sure dh would be offended if I suggested such a thing and I definitely would be if he wanted to do the same with his own money.

Gimmeashake Wed 28-Oct-20 12:25:29

Thank you @SarahAndQuack thats a helpful way of putting it. He left it to me. Same amount for me and my dbro. Had I been single, nothing would have been different. @FizzyGreenWater this my argument (that I keep to myself...) He works all the time although does his fair share too because he wfh and I don't. He still does his hobby (not cycling!).

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TweeBree Wed 28-Oct-20 12:25:36

YABU. You're married and you have a kid. It's family money.

If you weren't married I'd have agreed with you.

Gimmeashake Wed 28-Oct-20 12:27:27

Thank you @mindutopia. I can't imagine, sadly perhaps, that I would ever feel that safe in any relationship. I'd like to but I just hear too many horror stories.

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Chanjer Wed 28-Oct-20 12:28:09

If you want to end up majority or outright owning a house then buy a different one, not the one you're already part way through a partnered agreement in buying

MotherOfCrocodiles Wed 28-Oct-20 12:30:09

I have a DoT for my house wth my DH as my DM provided a 25% deposit from inheritance. We both thought this was reasonable as it was my inheritance and I won't be getting another one. We even drew up a model of what % we each own as we pay off the mortgage.

We did it when we bought the house, before we were married, and I actually don't think it has much legal status in the event of a divorce. However we discussed it and both agreed that this is how we would split the asset if we split. We don't have any intention of splitting.

In my husband's home country (as in many countries) you can marry with shared property or with separate property. We married here but if we had done it there we would have gone for separate property as we both work in similar jobs (so no element of SAHM facilitating DH's career) and have different assets.

Our view is that we share things as a family because we are a family but if we did for some reason split, we would want our own stuff back.

Ohalrightthen Wed 28-Oct-20 12:31:02

Gimmeashake

Thank you *@mindutopia*. I can't imagine, sadly perhaps, that I would ever feel that safe in any relationship. I'd like to but I just hear too many horror stories.

Stop listening to horror stories and fixating on what you read on Mumsnet, and pay attention to what is actually in front of you. If you have reason to mistrust him, then be honest about it. If not, stop projecting!

TrustTheGeneGenie Wed 28-Oct-20 12:31:14

But @FizzyGreenWater men are also a lot less likely to keep the family home and usually walk away with less than their fair share.

Florencex Wed 28-Oct-20 12:33:22

I would also be very offended and would start to reconsider my marriage if my husband did that to me. My husband and I share all our money, we are a team (and I have over the years contributed far more to the pot). I also agree with your husband that what you want to do is exactly the same as him trying to ring fence money for himself. I think your friend is a bit interfering.

MaryLennoxsScowl Wed 28-Oct-20 12:33:30

YANBU. And if nothing happens and he doesn’t split up with you, he’s in the same position he would be if you hadn’t had the inheritance, so what’s he complaining about? If you wanted to spend it all on yourself that would be one thing, but you’re planning to use it to reduce your overheads by reducing the mortgage and therefore improve both your finances!

NailsNeedDoing Wed 28-Oct-20 12:33:44

If you want to keep it for yourself, then as it’s an inheritance, I think that’s fine. Selfish, but acceptable.

It makes it dodgy because you want to put it into your house through your mortgage and your loan. That’s something that you did together and should remain equally shared if things are going to any fair because it’s the home you both live in and own. I wouldn’t like that in your husband’s position either, and would be feeling like I should be getting legal advice. Obviously you’d have to get legal advice for a deed of trust anyway, but if you really want to do this then a little of the money should first pay for him to have independent advice to check how detrimental this would be to his financial security.

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