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DH just apologised

(181 Posts)
TheBells Wed 28-Oct-20 00:36:15

For something that happened over a year ago. The apology came up during a discussion which brought back memories of 'the incident', and honestly, for the entire time from then until today I've been wondering whether or not I was just being too sensitive. Tonight, he told me that he was entirely in the wrong. I'm interested to know who the MN jury would deem as guilty in this case. (Name changed to avoid any bias).

So around December 2018 DH had severe stomach pain, called 111 and was advised to go to A&E. He was anxious, and asked if I would go with him. We have twins, who at the time were five and a bit months old. Normally I wouldn't mention my twins for fear of being called a troll but I believe it's relevant in this context. MIL had been staying with us for Christmas. DH asked me to come with him to the hospital and leave DTs with MIL. Now she's not the worst person in the world, but she is on many medications and prone to epileptic seizures. Despite this, for some crazy reason, I decided to answer DH's plea for help and left sleeping DTs with her. It was quite late at night so I hoped they would just sleep through, and in fairness, they did.

DH became very grumpy when we were waiting at the hospital. I was trying to engage him in playing silly games on the phone or to chat about shit to take his mind off things. Yet, he said I had a face like a slapped arse. He was annoyed whenever I asked him to check in with his mother to see if the babies were okay. He told me he wished he never asked me to come, because I'd been so anxious the whole time and not focused on him as much as he would have wanted. After being diagnosed with kidney stones, I drove him back home in the early hours, babies were fine, I was exhausted, end of story. But since then, I felt bad for 'behaving' that way at the hospital.

Tonight, during a discussion, he recalled that time, and told me that he was sorry for being such a dick. That he should have understood that I was anxious about my young babies, and that he was lucky I stayed with him not just in A&E but in general after the fact.

What's the verdict? Should I have LTB? Did he need to apologise or did I? Were we both in the wrong? One thing I do know for sure is that if I was ever put in the same position again, I would choose to stay with my babies.

OP’s posts: |
EveryDayIsADuvetDay Wed 28-Oct-20 00:50:49

Most people can be a bit arsey when they're in pain and worried about being in hospital/what the cause is, etc,
Shame that he didn't apologise sooner - but I imagine the longer the interval the harder it becomes; at least he's been big enough to apologise now.

Goosefoot Wed 28-Oct-20 00:53:25

He was right to apologise. But I'd forgive someone with kidney stones for being an arse even if he didn't apologize. That kind of pain is horribly distracting and agitating and kidney problems also in themselves can lead to unclear thinking.

Horehound Wed 28-Oct-20 00:53:28

Ltb sounds a bit rash! It's a year ago...move on

GlummyMcGlummerson Wed 28-Oct-20 00:54:36

In fairness OP I can see where he's coming from - to me there's nothing worse than people talking or trying to engage with you when you're in so much pain. And kidney stones are total agony.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 28-Oct-20 00:54:40

This happened over a year ago. He was stressed, you were stressed, and everything ended up just fine. Why are either of you still giving this nonevent any headspace? How childish.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo Wed 28-Oct-20 00:59:13

Kidney stones are agony, honestly I've had gallstones and that's bad enough. Kidney stones were like gallstones and full labour at the same time........I also got a finger up my backside for my troubles hmm so I'm not surprised he was grumpy and snappy. Just tell him you understand he was irrational because he was in pain and tell him to move on.

SarahBellam Wed 28-Oct-20 01:01:08

My BIL had kidney stones and thought he was going go die at one point, because the pain was so horrific. Presumably, if it felt so awful he needed to go to A&E he must have been quite scared - to the extent that he needed you to go with him, even if it meant leaving your infant sons with someone who was at risk of not being able to care for them properly. In that situation I can see where he was coming from at that point in time. Playing games on a phone, trying to cope with your anxiety, and being asked to phone his mother all the time must have been very difficult for him. I think he has been very generous in offering an apology.

WonderingFree Wed 28-Oct-20 01:09:33

Its obviously stuck around for you both - and waiting a year for an apology is a looooong time. Do you talk? Like really talk? Because if your asking us if u should have left then u r (or were) unsure of urself, and if you wouldnt leave your babies now but u did back then, then it suggests he was bulldozing you, and if rather than getting himself to the hospital because he had tiny babies at home and they come first he insisted that you put him first - well that suggests he's an emotional immature drain, and a bit of a prick. Whats really going on?

TheBells Wed 28-Oct-20 01:09:52

I've forgiven him. I also thanked him for taking the time to consider why I was so anxious at the time.

OP’s posts: |
GroundAlmonds Wed 28-Oct-20 01:14:21

LTB for being “grumpy” while in agony? Don’t be daft.

TheBells Wed 28-Oct-20 01:15:20

"if rather than getting himself to the hospital because he had tiny babies at home and they come first he insisted that you put him first - well that suggests he's an emotional immature drain, and a bit of a prick."

This is the bit I'm most focused on. Had I been the one with abdo pain I would have gone alone. I didn't begrudge him needing me, and I left DTs with MIL. I was trying to lighten the mood at the hospital but he was too angry to engage, most likely because of the pain. But if she had had a fit, that whole scenario could have ended very differently. At the time, I couldn't see how anybody wouldn't be anxious in my shoes. But there's a mix of responses here so I'm assuming it's not a huge no-no to rely on somebody with that type of condition for emergency childcare.

OP’s posts: |
TheBells Wed 28-Oct-20 01:17:35

He had pain. He wasn't in agony else I hardly would have driven him there and back, I would have called an ambulance. We were sat in the waiting area for ages. The diagnosis was small stones that would pass, and an antibiotic was prescribed. So it wasn't some dramatic scene.

OP’s posts: |
shouldhavecalleditoatabix Wed 28-Oct-20 01:18:50

Yeah but the flip side to that OP is that if something terrible had happened to your DH and you hadn't gone with him it could also have been awful. It was a difficult decision and obviously a difficult night. Sounds to me like you just need to let it go and move on

TheBells Wed 28-Oct-20 01:21:23

He brought it up. I'm happy to let it lie.

OP’s posts: |
WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo Wed 28-Oct-20 01:26:36

The bells I've had kidney stones. No dramatic scene for me either but believe me he pain was like nothing I've ever felt before. I wasn't thrashing about in dramatics either because I just don't behave like that but I was irrational, snappy and unable to think coherently...........I've had gallstones that lead to pancreatitis and that pain was nothing compared to the agony of kidney stones. Quite frankly if my partner had tried to distract me with stupid games and being a bit of a dick they'd have been swiftly told to fuck off.

Just because someone isn't blue lighted into hospital and rushed into surgery it doesn't mean they aren't in considerable pain.

KatieGGGG Wed 28-Oct-20 01:26:52

To be fair OP I can’t imagine many people who wouldn’t be grumpy in the waiting area of a hospital, it’s no ones best moment. Unless it’s a pattern of behaviour (and it still playing on your mind a year on I hope suggests not) is not what I would call myself a dick over. I also wouldn’t expect to have to feel grateful my partner went to hospital with me.

Statements like “One thing I do know for sure is that if I was ever put in the same position again, I would choose to stay with my babies.” Indicate you have already decided your position - and perhaps indicate why he feels he has to say what he is.

“Who is worse off” politics helps no relationship.

TheBells Wed 28-Oct-20 01:35:14

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo but I'm confused, because I'm not questioning how much pain he was in. He was in enough pain to need to go to the hospital and that's all that matters.

Prior to that night I had not spent more than an hour away from the babies. So of course I was anxious. I didn't once say to him that I wish I'd stayed home instead. The only reason why I tried to play games etc. was to try to help distract him from the pain.

I'm not asking if I should be upset that he was grumpy. I'm asking if anybody else would have taken kindly to those kinds of accusations when you're doing your best in a difficult situation. And not just on the night. He went on about it for months afterwards. I was doing the best I could. I missed my babies and I was worried about my husband. Thankfully, all was well in the end.

OP’s posts: |
INeedNewShoes Wed 28-Oct-20 01:40:50

I’d be glad of the apology and use this as a nudge to move on and forget about it.

I understand how torn you would have been. I can’t understand anyone thinking that you going to the hospital was definitely the right course of action given the circumstances with your MIL being prone to seizures. This means it was a risk to leave her in sole charge of the babies. I know that when a family member of mine was in a phase of seizures that the children weren’t left in their sole charge.

So I understand your feelings on that particular issue. However, the fact you’re dwelling on it after all this time suggests that the ‘what ifs’ are still whirring around your head and you need to find a way to let that go and try to accept that the situation arose, you did what you felt you had to at the time and it played out ok.

LifesNotEnidBlyton Wed 28-Oct-20 01:45:36

It's nice he did but it was the right choice to go with him and him being snappy is forgivable. The kids were safe and being looked after, plenty of mums, dads, grandparents or other people looking after children have epilepsy or other conditions, and you partner needed you. It could have been something really serious and kidney stones are agonising. It's not about putting kids or partner first it's about who needs you more at the time

TheBells Wed 28-Oct-20 01:46:44

The topic only got raised because right now his niece is experiencing a very similar issue. He thinks his niece should stay with her baby and let her husband go to the hospital. Which made him think about his decision all that time ago. I didn't bring it up.

OP’s posts: |
Oncemorewithfeelin Wed 28-Oct-20 01:55:56

You chose to go to the hospital to support your husband. He was obviously in a lot of pain so snapped at you. A year down the line he apologises out the blue - have you been making passive aggressive comments for a year or casting it up?

It’s time to get over it. Accept his apology and move on.

TheBells Wed 28-Oct-20 01:57:22

@Oncemorewithfeelin I don't know if that was a cross post or what, but I literally just explained how the topic was raised after all this time. It wasn't me that brought it up.

OP’s posts: |
TheBells Wed 28-Oct-20 02:06:07

So I have posted about DH under a couple of different usernames in the past. Every time, I've had a unanimous 'LTB'.

I was having therapy up until recently and it became apparent that 'D'H is emotionally, psychologically and financially abusive. I am now working on a plan to leave him. I think he might have picked up on this, which is why he's apologising for such minor infractions. He is currently being just as loving as when we first met. It's very disorienting.

I started this thread under a new username, genuinely because I wanted an unbiased answer. At the moment, my head is Swiss cheese. I'm struggling to figure out what is normal human behaviour and what is abusive. It seems that this incident falls under 'human nature', and I'm genuinely relieved about that. Because honestly, I've been feeling every day like I'm failing my children for not realising what was going on sooner and making a run for it. At least there are some things I can say I did right.

OP’s posts: |
BusterGonad Wed 28-Oct-20 02:09:53

I wouldn't want to play games on my phone whilst in A&E in a lot of pain either, or phone my mum every 5 minutes, to be honest I think he was well in his rights to be pissed off. You shouldn't had gone with him if you were going to keep hassling him to ring his mum. I would be expecting you to apologise tbh.

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