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Started TTC last night....AIBU to feel weird?

(142 Posts)
SweetShopSurprise Sat 24-Oct-20 10:32:41

No one ever really talks about the first time they TTC. It’s (IMO) a big thing but I’ve never really heard any women discuss it.

I feel really weird this morning. For reference, I’ve never been maternal, never wanted kids, always made that clear. However, over the years I’ve seen what an amazing father DH would be and how utterly wonderful he is with other people’s children. I didn’t feel like it was fair to stay in my marriage if I wasn’t prepared to give him 1 (and it would just be the 1 I know that already) child. Added to that, I have over the last year come round to the idea more. I enjoy other people’s children more now (though still wouldn’t say I look forward to spending time with other people’s) and I often think about how nice it would be to have our own little family unit, days out etc but I still wouldn’t say I was broody.

I said we could start trying by Christmas but have kept putting it off, in my head I had November as ‘the month’ that we start trying but last night I just thought feck it and so for the first time ever we had unprotected sex.

Now, don’t get me wrong I have absolutely no idea if it’s my ‘fertile’ time (I suppose I ought to start tracking that, but doing all of that and using those apps etc just seems so...eurgh, unromantic and perfunctory to me) or indeed if both of us are actually fertile at all full stop. I appreciate I’m highly unlikely to get pregnant due to last night but this morning I’m already thinking what if this is it?! What if my old life is officially gone? What if I can’t have drunken nights out now? (We’re still in Tier 1 here atm and who knows, we may stay in it so nights out over the next few months are possible) what if I have to give up my hobby? What if my friendships change as I can no longer go out boozing, what if I suffer with a really bad pregnancy or morning sickness?! And the thought of giving birth terrifies me!!

I guess I’m just feeling a bit .....sad? Like last night I knowingly ‘sleepwalked‘ into giving up my freedom? Did anyone else feel like this the first time they TTC? Knowingly making a decision to turn your life upside down? I just don’t know if I feel ready, but then I’m nearly 34 so if I’m not ready now then will I ever be? And due to my age, I haven’t got the luxury anymore of being able to delay it. I just keep thinking there’s still so much I haven’t done sad I’ve always wanted to go to Australia and travel around for a month, didn’t get to do it due to Covid and now I’m thinking, will I ever, or at least in the next 10 years?! Sorry, I’m just rambling now blush

AIBU?

OP’s posts: |
greenflamingo Sat 24-Oct-20 10:40:13

I get this. It’s really scary and a lot to get your head around. I felt a lot of what you describe. You’ve stepped on a rollercoaster.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss Sat 24-Oct-20 10:41:19

I wouldn’t be having a baby as someone else wanted me to. If I wasn’t good enough alone for that person they they wouldn’t have deserved me in the first place.

I also think children should be wanted by both parents, not just one.

AlexiaSox Sat 24-Oct-20 10:42:10

Of course YANBU. It's a big decision! If you're still feeling nervous, you could wait until Christmas as you originally decided, and see how you feel then?

HelpMeh Sat 24-Oct-20 10:42:29

If you don't actually want a child I really don't think you should be TTC.

GoldfishParade Sat 24-Oct-20 10:45:33

I think it sounds like you dont actually want kids. Okay I get that there will be inevitable questionings like this at the beginning because it's a big life change. But equally you say yourself your primary reason is because you dont feel it's fair on your DH not to give him one.

I think too many women feel strong armed by society into having children. It's okay not to. Theres a good childfree thread happening atm that may interest you.

You say you only want one but what if you end up with triplets? Or a child with disabilities?

I think its normal to feel doubt. I also think its unfortunately normal to suppress your instincts in this area.

Go with your gut OP. I wish you all the best.

wishing3 Sat 24-Oct-20 10:47:03

I didn’t feel this feel like that personally, though I did have a brief panic moment when I found out I was actually pregnant. It does seem logical the way you explain it though-it will be a big change! I don’t read that you are saying that you don’t want to have a baby, but obviously don’t go ahead if it’s not what you want.

Asterion Sat 24-Oct-20 10:47:41

To be honest, all of those boozy nights out are going to diminish anyway as your friendship group moves into their late thirties / start having families.

Funkypolar Sat 24-Oct-20 10:47:42

I was super excited about TTC and so happy to be pregnant.

Maybe you aren’t ready OP?

Asterion Sat 24-Oct-20 10:49:21

And if you've always wanted to go to Australia, or travel for a month - why haven't you?

Lasttraintolondon Sat 24-Oct-20 10:53:23

You are not ready for this. Why not wait a year?

SweetShopSurprise Sat 24-Oct-20 10:57:57

I used to be totally against the idea of having children, over the last couple of years Id say I’ve changed my mind, last year I was more just ambivalent rather than against and now I get moments where I think ‘Awww it’d be lovely’ especially when I see DH with other people’s but that still doesn’t mean I’m really broody if that makes sense?

A lot of my friends are now starting to have kids (I think we’ve all started pretty late really) so the ‘boozy’ nights out aren’t as common as they were anyway, but probably once a month and I do enjoy them. I enjoy getting dressed up and having a few drinks and a laugh with friends. I enjoy having lots of social plans in the calendar.

I don’t know, I know I’m a bit of a weird/ unusual case but surely not every single woman that has a child is desperately broody? Surely some women enter into pregnancy and motherhood with a bit of trepidation?! Not every woman is a ‘Mother Earth type’ some women put off having children for years because they aren’t that maternal or would rather have a career first etc?

OP’s posts: |
NorthGirl2 Sat 24-Oct-20 10:58:59

I feel like you and I've realised it's because I don't want kids right now. Who knows if I ever will. Some days I think I do and the sacrifices are worth it, but on my fertile days I change my mind and the thought of risking a pregnancy scares me stiff.

I don't drink so I don't care about booze nights out, but whatever happens there is no bigger change to your life than parenthood, that I do know. People without kids can do what they want to a degree, if you have kids you have another priority. That is scary.

mummyoneboy19 Sat 24-Oct-20 11:01:10

I don’t think you really want a child, to be honest with you.

Maybe sit and have an honest chat with your husband and explain how you feel, at your age there’s still a few years left hopefully, so you can always reassess in time.

VioletSunset Sat 24-Oct-20 11:02:54

*You are not ready for this. Why not wait a year?*

I agree, it sounds like you aren't ready. Do you think you may get pregnant and then regret it ?

HowFastIsTooFast Sat 24-Oct-20 11:03:38

I had all the same worries OP, particularly the loss of freedom when it comes to nights out and travel, but the longer we've been TTC the more it's become clear to me that this is what I actually want, I'm ready for it (or as ready as I ever could be) and actually I'd happily swap any number of drunken nights out for a positive test.

It's perfectly normal to feel how you do x

HowFastIsTooFast Sat 24-Oct-20 11:05:52

Ps.. I have plenty of Mum friends who love getting glammed up for a wine-soaked night out as regularly as childcare will allow, it doesn't mean it'll never happen again!

Mellonsprite Sat 24-Oct-20 11:06:34

From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like you want / are ready for a child?

tinierclanger Sat 24-Oct-20 11:08:02

I wouldn’t TTC if you’re not sure.

Suzi888 Sat 24-Oct-20 11:09:20

Now is the perfect time as you can’t go out anywaygrin.
On a serious note, I was like you, never wanted children but conceived my little surprise at 38.
DH and I can still go out as we have my DM and MIL. Do you have family who will baby sit for you?
To be honest, I’m now 43 and the urge to go out has diminished I’m happy with a meal and drinks now and again! Once I had my little one I just wanted to be with her rather than out, getting drink and waking up with a hangover. The travelling I’ve missed! But we still get to go away, just different holidays for now that’s all.
I wouldn’t add the stress of TTC by using apps etc I’d just let it happen naturally.

Bouncycastle12 Sat 24-Oct-20 11:10:22

I totally felt this ambivalence when we started TTC and then had a mild panic when I actually got pregnant. I honestly don’t think I wasn’t ready, but I did love a lot about my old life. I still miss bits of it, but I was 35 when we started TTC and I’d done everything I wanted to do (travelled all over the world for work and fun, done ALL the parties etc). It IS a lot to move on from. But since then loads of my friends have had kids in their late thirties and life has moved on. But I remember that first time we tried to TTC and I think both of us were a bit terrified. I’d say your feelings are completely normal for a certain type of woman.

ChickensMightFly Sat 24-Oct-20 11:15:28

I've only read the op, but just wanted to say that your story is very similar to mine (now I have 2dc youngest is 8), I also have a friend whose reasons for starting a family were eerily similar to yours, she too intended in one DC but is now a happy devoted mum to 2, so your starting point and where you end up can be very far apart and it's ok to feel word about the impending change, it doesn't mean anything bad. For me, it felt weird having sex that first time knowing that it wasn't just for pleasure but had another purpose to it.
Personally I wouldn't start tracking your cycle etc as it just makes doing the deed more chore-sy imo, unless you find as time goes by that it isn't happening, then you might want to be more targeted.
I knew I was embarking on an era change and the adjustment to that has been a major life event which depending on the day I have embraced and delighted in, felt frustrated by, wanted to escape, been grateful for, but the overarching narrative is that I wouldn't change a thing and would do it all over again. It has developed sides to my character that would have remained hidden if I hadn't and I enjoy having a wider scope of life experience and more strings to my bow.
You'll be fine but what your describing is really normal for many not just you.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit Sat 24-Oct-20 11:15:37

I was never desperately broody either OP I want the child who wanted to play mummies and daddies or with dolls etc, I would've been five not to have children and thought that might actually be the case as I'd been diagnosed with some fertility issues. I did come to the realisation that I wanted a family with my DH , some women want the children regardless of the father, that was never the case for me. DH always said when we were younger (friends before relationship) that he didn't want children, but told me a few years ago he'd changed his mind and that wasn't about suddenly wanting children or was about wanting children with me, so I absolutely get your perspective. I have moments where I miss the freedom of non parental life, but I'd reconciled myself with that change before I had him, I went into Parenthood without any romanticised notions and I think actually that's a good thing. I love my DS so fiercely and would never ever be without him, I don't regret having a child at all, but interestingly have a friend who always said she wanted children from a young age and recently admitted to me she regrets having hers as much as she loves them and wishes she'd thought about the consequences for her life more. I didn't have DS until I was 34 , I'd travelled, have a good career, financially stable etc which makes it easier to put someone else first because I feel like I've already lived for me a lot.
I found TTC odd as I'd spent my whole adult life to that point avoiding pregnancy like the plague!

ChickensMightFly Sat 24-Oct-20 11:16:40

I was too 34 when my first was born

Darcy86 Sat 24-Oct-20 11:18:53

I'm almost 34 and 23 weeks pregnant. Up until I turned 30 I was always unsure about whether I wanted kids, then I met my now husband and something just clicked. I've never been an earth mother type or hugely broody but I came to the decision that a family was what I wanted. It's not just the thought of having a baby, it's what I want for the next stage of my life - building a family unit with someone I love and bringing up a child. It just became quite obvious to me that it's where I wanted my life to go, if that makes sense. Also, I feel like at this point I've done a lot of partying and travelling and boozy nights so now I'm ready for the next bit - the nappies, the school run, the family holidays etc. I'm excited about it even though I know it's a massive change and won't always be easy. In fact I'm sure parts of me will miss my old life, but that's okay as in the long run this is what I want. I guess what I'm saying is try and figure out what it is you really want, it's fine to think about the things you'll be (maybe temporarily) giving up, but if it's worth it in the long run, then that's not so bad?

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