Friends new partner has moved in already - is it all going too fast?

[LouisesPleasingCheeses]

I have a really lovely friend, we have been very close since primary school and she is now a single mum with two gorgeous boys, living in her own house.

She is very kind and tends to always see the best in people...and often pretends she can't see the worst in them.(head in the sand kind of thing) Since her long term relationship with the boys father broke down she has had a few short and fairly disastrous relationships, all with a similar time line - introducing the boys very quickly to the new partner, holidays together and then new partner moving in with them all...all happening within the first few months.

Anyway - it's happening again and I don't know what to do or say, if anything. She met this guy in August and it all became very intense, very quickly. We have lots of other mutual friends and apparently he moved in with her a few weeks ago, as he is "between places" 🤔 He is doing school runs, driving her car and her garage & shed are full of all his things, plus his kids have all been staying there too, obviously introduced to her boys too.

I am so worried about her. Her last partner was violent and abusive and she vowed she wouldn't take the same risk again exposing her lovely boys to someone new (that she basically barely knows) so quickly...and yet, here she is again moving SO quickly. She hasn't even known him three months yet!

I know she has been terribly lonely and yearns to have a family unit again, but I really fear that her need/want for this to be "the one" is really clouding her judgment . And I'm worried about her boys and the effect on them...and I'm worried he is yet another abusive cocklodger chancing his arm and getting his feet under HER table.

Should I say something? She is very vulnerable and is being very evasive in our messaging about how involved she is - I only know most of this through our mutual friends, I think she knows, deep down, that this is too quick and can't bring herself to admit it.

It's breaking my heart, tbh. I so want her to have the happy life with someone she loves that I know she craves, but this all seems like she's repeating the same pattern again...and it ended so, so badly for her last time.

Should I say something or mind my own business?

[DTIsOnlyForNow]

Your "really lovely friend" is a neglectful mother putting her children at risk yet again.

[Northernsoullover]

Don't say a word. My friend did similar. They met in the January and slotted himself into family life and by the March he was living there.
She has always had shit standards in men and I was inwardly furious. As it turned out he works hard and has completely stepped up. He doesn't cocklodge. If it had gone tits up I would have given her a talking to but it hasn't. If I had made my feelings known it would have ruined the friendship regardless of whether he turned out to be a dick or not so I figured I'd keep my trap shut and be there to pick up the pieces. So far so good. Just be there for her. Its lovely that you care.

[MootingMirror]

@DTIsOnlyForNow

Your "really lovely friend" is a neglectful mother putting her children at risk yet again.

This. If you think he's dangerous then go to social services. If not, it's none of your business and you need to butt out. But your friend is not the victim and I feel for her children.

[Redcups64]

Mind your own business, people like that need to learn their own lessons, if they ever do, because some don’t.

She isn’t that great if she puts the needs of a man she doesn’t really know, above her kids. She is selfish.

[Redcups64]

That came across nasty, but someone can be a great friend, perfect wife and still a poor mother.

[LouisesPleasingCheeses]

@DTIsOnlyForNow

Your "really lovely friend" is a neglectful mother putting her children at risk yet again.

Don't get me wrong - I am really angry with her, as well as being worried. So, I do understand where you're coming from as I feel that way too...it is all too risky.

[LouisesPleasingCheeses]

@Northernsoullover

Don't say a word. My friend did similar. They met in the January and slotted himself into family life and by the March he was living there.
She has always had shit standards in men and I was inwardly furious. As it turned out he works hard and has completely stepped up. He doesn't cocklodge. If it had gone tits up I would have given her a talking to but it hasn't. If I had made my feelings known it would have ruined the friendship regardless of whether he turned out to be a dick or not so I figured I'd keep my trap shut and be there to pick up the pieces. So far so good. Just be there for her. Its lovely that you care.

Thank you. I'm really so glad that your friends situation has had a happy ending, but I just think that anyone who does this can't be thinking straight to even take the risk in the first place - her judgement is off. And the fact that she's already wary of telling me all the details makes it pretty clear that she KNOWS I'll disapprove. I suppose I've just got to hope it won't go the same way and that she will eventually confide in me again.

[LouisesPleasingCheeses]

MootingMirror I've got absolutely no reason to think he is dangerous in any way, but I don't know him at all...and neither does she after three months. I absolutely agree, it is not great for the kids at all.

[Taikoo]

Some women will do anything for a pair of trousers.
I'm afraid you'll just have to leave her to it.
It is infuriating and yes she sounds like a shite, selfish mother.

[LouisesPleasingCheeses]

@Redcups64

That came across nasty, but someone can be a great friend, perfect wife and still a poor mother.

No, I do understand what you mean. It's just utterly baffling to know someone is intelligent, switched on, has a responsible professional job and yet cannot see that this is a terrible idea. She's on Mumsnet all the time, too, so she's seen so many threads where this situation has happened. And the result of it.

[thepeopleversuswork]

She is not necessarily a neglectful mother but she is not doing a proper risk assessment and is putting hers and her boyfriend's needs over those of her children.

I have been with my boyfriend for two years and I would not consider moving him in for the foreseeable if ever even though he has shown himself to be more than trustworthy. The risk to my child and the upset to her stability just isn't worth it.

Have you ever talked to her about the fact that moving men in really quickly is generally a risky thing to do? Did you talk about it after the violent bloke?

I'm going to go against the grain and suggest you do speak to her about it: she will probably be angry and upset and may push you away but she will take some of it on board. I think if you are her friend you should put your concern on record. If she chooses to ignore you you will have done what you can.

[Givemeabreak88]

I wonder if she is the same woman that posted on a single parents Facebook group! A lady put up a post about a man she had only known 2 months yet she had already been on holiday with him and her kids! It’s was shocking to me and then him and one of the kids weren’t getting on she was asking about what to do if your kid doesn’t get on with your new boyfriend. She ended up deleting the post as she didn’t get the answers she wanted. When I looked on her profile I saw pics of them on holiday together with her and her kids with captions such as “may be quick but when you know, you know” I hate that line that gets trotted out “when you know, you know”as an excuse to bring partners round your kids that you’ve only known 5 mins

[Northernsoullover]

Oh believe me my friend knew I wouldn't approve. It took 6 months for her to tell me he'd moved in.
I think it was bang out of order. Yes, it seems to be working but the odds were stacked against it. She is simply one of those people who cannot bear to be alone.

[Kingsley08]

I hate it when I see the single mums at school handing their responsibilities (children) to the ‘new’ boyfriend. Suddenly some new dude is dropping off and collecting the kids, rocking up at parents’ evening and usually driving mum’s car. Are they boasting? Want the world to know they’re still able to pull? It’s all for Facebook. It’s so embarrassing and the kind of behaviour that belongs to a twenty something not a grown woman.

My good friend is like yours OP. We no longer say anything to her but she’s definitely lost our respect.

[icequeen34]

I don't blame you for being worried or questioning her choices. This is really poor form and her kids must be very unsettled and confused with having a consistent stream of new men entering their home.

Unfortunately unless you believe there's a risk to any of them I don't think there's a lot you can do. If you challenge her the chances are she will become defensive and cut you out which might be bad if and when things do go tits up with the latest one.

[DaddysGirlforlife]

I have a friend who is just like this. I can't count the amount of times she's introduced her "this is the one" fella to her children. The last one, she moved him in quickly, had him watching her children while she was out. Etc. She didn't even know the guy. They've not lasted and she hasn't told me (found out through a friend) she's obviously ashamed.
In my experience, these women will never listen. Save your breath.

[userxx]

Same thing happened with my friend. Be very careful what you say as I spoke up and told her what I thought and she cut me out. Better to be on the sidelines watching what is going on then in the dark.

[Noitjustwontdo]

I’d argue behaviour like this is neglectful tbh. She’s putting herself and her own needs before her children. No decent Mother would move a guy into her home with her children after two months and she has done this multiple times. I’m surprised the children’s Father isn’t fighting for custody tbh.

[MikeUniformMike]

You could be godmother to the DC she's likely to conceive soon.

[dontdisturbmenow]

Let's hope that somehow she'll be lucky this time and picked a decent one.

[1forAll74]

I guess you will just have to hang fire, and see how things go for her. She has made some sort of decisions for herself, be they good or bad, and you maybe worried about her, but you can't tell her what to do.

[notdaddycool]

Be there for her when it all goes tits up. That's all.

[Daisy12Maisie]

I think the dad should be utterly ashamed of himself that she is so desperate she has some random assisting with the school run. The kids will tell him if he doesnt already know. I assume he wont be shocked into offering to do at least 50 % of the school runs.
Not good moving a man in with her children but it's the childrens dad thats at fault for not taking responsibility for the children and leaving the majority of it to her.

[Givemeabreak88]

Daisy12Maisie

What?! My kids dad is absent and I have 4 children two with sen, their dad has never done a school run he doesn’t even know where the school is and has never had them over night, yet I haven’t brought a new man around them?! That’s not an excuse is it. I’ve been single for the last 4 years.

[SuitedandBooted]

There's nothing you can really do, is there? If you speak up, it will be a Shoot The Messenger situation, because he's "the one"

I'm reminded of a dear (female) relative, who was a family solicitor- "When you see what some women will pick, you know how afraid they are of being alone".

She may be a nice friend, but she is a terrible parent.