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I couldn't hate myself anymore just now if i tried

(149 Posts)
TheoriginalLEM Thu 22-Oct-20 17:47:25

I visited my mum in hospital today, she is being discharged into a nursing home tomorrow.

She wants to go home, she thinks she is going home.

I feel like i have betrayed her.

She can't go home, i can't cope with her. If she goes home she will likely die.

She will however be MISERABLE in a nursing home that i havent even set foot in. It has terrible reviews but we have been searching for nearly two months and nowhere else would take her. She is a very difficult person and there are mental health issues alongside early dementia.

She was begging me, it has ripped my heart out but i still walked away - hate myself so much right now

OP’s posts: |
Batshittery Thu 22-Oct-20 17:49:38

That must be hard for you, but you shouldn't blame yourself. What other options were there? Doesn't sound like there was one. Can you keep looking for somewhere better?

Teaandchocolatedigestives Thu 22-Oct-20 17:50:37

I've no advice but I wanted to offer you a virtual hug. You're doing the best you can in a very difficult situation. Please be easy on yourself flowers

Isadora2007 Thu 22-Oct-20 17:51:36

I’ve said yabu to judge yourself so harshly. How would putting yourself into a position where you couldn’t cope and provide for her help her? It wouldn’t. The reality is there is no happily ever after scenario for your mum sadly and this is the best of a bad set of options at this point. Sometimes that’s all you can do.

amusedtodeath1 Thu 22-Oct-20 17:51:38

You're being unreasonable to yourself OP. What else could you have done? I know it must be so hard but you didn't have another option. Please don't be so hard on yourself. flowers

Jellycatspyjamas Thu 22-Oct-20 17:53:15

She can't go home, i can't cope with her. If she goes home she will likely die.

This really stood out to me, you can’t care for her, being at home may be life threatening for her. Sometimes there are literally no good choices, so we need to pick the less bad choice. If you didn’t care, your heart wouldn’t have been ripped out - you’re doing the very best you can, even though the very best is pretty shit, it’s less shit than the alternatives.

Be kind to yourself, I don’t know anyone who has made that decision easily.

Isadora2007 Thu 22-Oct-20 17:53:20

Also sorry @TheoriginalLEM I didn’t mean to be so negative. Having worked with people with dementia and long term MH issues I can often see they are “easier” when their family are not around- adapting to their new simple reality is often less of a challenge than trying to recall those known to them and they act in really awful ways sometimes towards family but are little or no problem for us professionals working with them.

Echobelly Thu 22-Oct-20 17:55:09

YABU to judge yourself - I don't think many people can be expected to give up their own lives to care for even their own parent if they have complex issues.

dudsville Thu 22-Oct-20 17:55:10

The only reason this hurts so much is because you care so much. I know that's cold comfort, but she's loved and you're doing what's best for her.

ApolloandDaphne Thu 22-Oct-20 17:55:41

You have been on a long journey to get to this point. You have to accept you have done everything you can but you cannot shoulder the burden any longer. The home may turn out to be the exactly right place for your DM. Reviews are one thing but the reality can be very different. Take time to ensure you have some self care and understand that as hard as it is you have done the right thing.

wouldyouhaveacupoftea Thu 22-Oct-20 17:57:08

I'm so sorry OP thanks

I don't have any words of advice. I just wanted to say please be kind to yourself. It sounds an awful situation. You're doing the best you can. Take care.

MidnightFlit Thu 22-Oct-20 17:58:08

I've read so many of your threads in which you've struggled and struggled to do the right thing for your mum. This may be a better solution for her than you think. You are far from a bad or unloving child.

Fajitanita Thu 22-Oct-20 17:59:01

Oh OP flowers. The fact you are torn up about it shows you care, and although it's a cliche, it will be the best place for her, and be good for you too. It's brave to admit when you have reached the limit of what you can cope with, and again, it's a choice out of love- you want her to get the support she needs. The not being able to look around due to covid sucks, but that cannot be helped at the moment. As a PP has said, please be kind to yourself.

TheoriginalLEM Thu 22-Oct-20 17:59:06

Home with carers but we tried, limited if any support from social services, gp not interested. Mum was not taking her medication and her carers had to refuse to administer due to non cpmliance.

This has been going on for two years now. We have frequent flier miles and our own room (or this is how it feels!) at the hospital. The last time she had sepsis and had trapped herself under her bed, this was despite me telling drs repeatedly that she wasnt taking her medication. She has addisons and will die if she doesnt take it.

Pychosis and panic attacks were frequent, often resulting in 999 calls as she has an aortic aneurysm.

She said i just want her out the way and its partly true. Shes abusive, manipulative and i dreaded my phone going. So i am releived that she is goung but im not naive enough to think this is a happy ending. It really isnt.

OP’s posts: |
Brighterthansunflowers Thu 22-Oct-20 17:59:55

I voted YANBU because you’re making the right choice not because I think you should hate yourself for it

When you were a child I’m sure you mum did some things you didn’t like but which were for your best interests. Sadly now roles are reversed and it’s you making the tough decisions in her best interests.

WinWinnieTheWay Thu 22-Oct-20 18:00:52

Deep breath, your done your best. You can keep looking for a better home for her and I'm sure that you will visit as much as possible.


Mischance Thu 22-Oct-20 18:01:04

How very distressing for you both.

Do not hate yourself - you can only do what you can do and you are not superhuman. I finished up in a situation where my OH had to end his days in a nursing home - even live-in carers at home could not manage. But I was very lucky that I was able to find an excellent home, but had to put my home on the market to meet the "top-up" payments.

Have you had some help from the LA to find a home for her? Are they contributing to the cost? Have you looked at Continuing Care Funding where the health authority is responsible for the cost?

She does not have to be discharged there if it is unsatisfactory or unsuitable - hospitals have to keep people till somewhere suitable is found - I know it causes bed-blocking, but it is wholly unacceptable for someone to be discharged o an unsatisfactory placement.

There should not be homes with bad reviews still taking people in - who has told you she has to go there?

Talk to the Care Quality Commission about the bad reviews - look up their assessment of the place. Do not forget that bad reviews are often from people with a specific, and maybe unfounded, grievance.

A move to a residential or nursing home can be a very positive move for many people. I am hoping you have had proper advice about all this.

But do not hate yourself - really, just don't. None of it is your fault.

Terrace58 Thu 22-Oct-20 18:02:14

I fear I may be in the same position soon. I can’t care for my aging parent for a myriad of reasons and I know he will be furious at facing institutional care.

unmarkedbythat Thu 22-Oct-20 18:03:32

Oh op flowers

Gingernaut Thu 22-Oct-20 18:03:34


You've made the best choice possible considering the circumstances.

Please at least believe you've made the least worst choice.

Weirdfan Thu 22-Oct-20 18:03:44

You couldn't possibly keep her safe at home from what you've said OP, that has to come above whether she will be miserable. It's hard because neither option is good here but there really is no choice, her safety has to come first. Nothing will stop you feeling guilty but you need to realise its guilt that you can't provide 'perfect', not guilt because it's the wrong choice. I hope you have someone to give you a hug and look after you tonight but in case you haven't here's a virtual hug and make sure you look after yourself, this is hard on you as well as your mum flowers

FredaFrogspawn Thu 22-Oct-20 18:04:20

Please don’t hate yourself. Keep monitoring the place and if you’re not happy with the care they give, keep looking for an alternative. But she can’t come home, and there’s nothing you can do about that bit.

TheoriginalLEM Thu 22-Oct-20 18:05:03

Terrace58 it really is so shit. flowers

OP’s posts: |
Itsnotalwaysme Thu 22-Oct-20 18:05:39

No advice just wanted to leave some well wishes flowers

SunbathingDragon Thu 22-Oct-20 18:07:27


It’s not your responsibility or duty to look after her.

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