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MIL - WTF do we do?

(381 Posts)
Pregernaught Thu 22-Oct-20 07:44:52

I posted before about MIL buying a next to me crib for her house and passing on questionable vintage baby advice. I thought I’d nipped it in the bud, she’s been ok for a few weeks but last night we had another issue and I’m not sure whether to start winding down contact with her or try one more time to put my foot down?

I’m now 16 weeks, MIL has been buying bits of clothes etc which is totally fine, I’ve just asked that she doesn’t bring them to my house until I’m 28 weeks or more (I’ve had miscarriages, I’m superstitious etc). MIL pulled a face at this but whatever, I asked her not to buy things early on but she went ahead so her choices, not mine.

Anyway, I had a bit of bleeding last week (nothing serious, cervical irritation it turned out) so I went to see the midwife who sent me for a quick scan just to check baby was ok and all is well. DH was on the phone to MIL when I got back from the hospital and had his ‘wtf’ face on, so I asked him to put her on speaker and the first thing I heard was enormous, dramatic fake sobs. I asked what had happened, and apparently DH had mentioned I’d gone for a scan to check all was ok and MIL had immediately decided my bleeding was because she’d bought things Too early and it was all her fault and how could she live with herself for (wait for it)... KILLING HER BABY!

Ummmmmm... who’s baby?

I said ‘MIL I’m going to hang up now and we can talk when you’re acting more appropriately, night’ in a very flat tone.

30 mins later just as we were settling down to eat, cue MIL walking straight in to the house (she always does this) still sobbing. I stood up to tell her to get the fuck out, but was stopped when she walks straight up to me, puts her hands on my intestines (no where near where baby is right now!) and starts whimpering ‘oh I thought I’d lost you baby!’ At my empty stomach.

DH hit the roof and told her she was acting like a complete head case and to go home, we’d call her to talk when we were ready. She left. We just stood completely lost for words for a few seconds before DH started apologising a lot.

So, obviously we change the locks and don’t give her a key, but how on earth do we address the fact that this attention seeking madness is likely a sign that she’s become quite unwell whilst still protecting ourselves from it? DH is an only child and MIL lives alone although she has a gentleman friend who visits daily. There isn’t really anyone else other than her siblings who can help with this.

I’m wondering whether to call DH’s aunt (they’re close), explain what’s happening and see if there’s any light she can shed on why MIL might be acting the way she is? She’s always been a centre of attention type, but never like this.

WTF do I do?

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Pregernaught Thu 22-Oct-20 07:49:21

Also, I realise I said I was 19 weeks in my other thread, it was an outing evasion tactic but at this point I could not care less.

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AlwaysCheddar Thu 22-Oct-20 07:50:33

Good job your dh stands up to her. I’d stop telling her anything about the baby for the moment, and speak to the Aunt. She’s nuts, and the baby isn’t even born yet!!!

PeaPeaEeByGum Thu 22-Oct-20 07:52:48

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wishihadanalgorithm Thu 22-Oct-20 07:53:45

To be honest she sounds deranged. I would have absolutely nothing to do with her as I cannot imagine her behaviour will get better once the baby is here.
DH sounds like he is onside so I would suggest going LC, if not NC.

I am sure others will have better advice but didn’t want to read and run.

flaviaritt Thu 22-Oct-20 07:55:42

She sounds like a crank, but you did tell her you are superstitious.

Pogmella Thu 22-Oct-20 07:55:47

Just stop telling her anything about your health

Pregernaught Thu 22-Oct-20 07:57:59

@PeaPeaEeByGum do you think we’re being too harsh with her?

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FatCatThinCat Thu 22-Oct-20 07:58:15

Blimey, she's not your usual overbearing MIL is she, she's completely off her rocker. I've no idea how you handle it, but good luck, sounds like you'll need it.

Nottherealslimshady Thu 22-Oct-20 07:59:46

Oh wow! It's a good job your DH is on your team! I think contacting his aunt would actually feed into what she's doing. She's trying to make it all about her, if you start getting people involved worried about her then it will encourage her.
I'd have absolutely took her hands off me.
I think just carry on what you're doing. Do not respond, do not feed into it. Dont tell her anything though, definitely dont tell her when you go into labour! It'll be like in handmaids tail where the mistresses pretend they're labouring too!
Just firm, calm, uninterested boundaries.

Tadpolesandfroglets Thu 22-Oct-20 08:00:25

@PeaPeaEeByGum nice and helpful and totally unwarranted

Pregernaught Thu 22-Oct-20 08:00:26

@Wishihadanalgorithm my main worry is once the baby is here she’ll do something like come round for a cuddle, I’ll go for a shower and come out and she‘ll be gone with the baby sad I know this is irrational but I keep having the recurring thought almost like a nightmare.

I’ve had 13 losses and get massively triggered by the idea of anyone taking my baby away from me, this is 100% my issue.

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HappyPunky Thu 22-Oct-20 08:00:46

Don't tell her anything until after the baby is born and named.
Next to me cribs are until about 6 months so she's wasted her money unless it's for you, no need for overnights unless you need help or when the child is asking for sleep overs.

user1493494961 Thu 22-Oct-20 08:01:49

Why was DH on the phone giving her an update, stop telling her anything. It does sound as if you enjoy the drama.

Walkerbean16 Thu 22-Oct-20 08:01:51

Yes she sounds overbearing but you don't sound very nice, you told her to get the fuck out of your house?!

Tadpolesandfroglets Thu 22-Oct-20 08:01:54

No. You are not being too harsh. She sounds unhinged though. Firm boundaries and then find out if she needs help. This covid thing can do strange things to people.

HappyPunky Thu 22-Oct-20 08:02:19

Kellymom is a good site for breast feeding advice. If you can breast feed that will help.

Pringlemonster Thu 22-Oct-20 08:02:50

She’s lonely
The baby is probably the only thing in her life to look forward to .
She’s had COVID to worry about ,we all have ,and the threat of a lot of deaths at Christmas in the news .
I’d personally cut her some slack ,I think you were very harsh and rude to her .
She’s an elderly lady ,and the only mum your dh has

Pregernaught Thu 22-Oct-20 08:04:31

@HappyPunky that’s exactly what we said to her last time it kicked off.

@Nottherealslimshady I’m the type that would also remove her hands (I’m not even showing!) but I think I was in shock to be honest!

2bh, I get that she’s excited, but she’s not excited for us, she’s excited for herself.

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Pregernaught Thu 22-Oct-20 08:05:17

@Walkerbean16 you’ve misread, I didn’t say that to her, I was about to when she interrupted. I’d probably have phrased it better in the moment...

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Sunnydaysstillhere Thu 22-Oct-20 08:06:03

Cut back to zero the info she gets. Keep doors locked and curtains shut... Ignore her op...
And ignore the poster who criticised your plan to tell her to fuck off . Who walks into someone's home? Never mind a wailing banshee batshit mil - knocking is for all!!

Pregernaught Thu 22-Oct-20 08:06:05

@user1493494961 he wasn’t, she calls us every evening and asked where I was. DH mentioned I’d gone for a quick scan.

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Jokie Thu 22-Oct-20 08:06:12

I don't think you're being irrational by worrying that she'd not respect your boundaries, wishes and how you want to raise your child. I think with your history that you've mentioned, that you've got every right to keep her at a distance.

I'd not be telling her anything in future and getting your DH to keep your confidence and not tell her details of scans etc

ZigZaggyZoo Thu 22-Oct-20 08:09:08

I would speak with her sister, she if she can help. I'd also be tempted to set out visiting times ahead of time so she has an idea of the boundaries (DH should do this).
Good luck!

Pregernaught Thu 22-Oct-20 08:10:59

She’s in no way ‘elderly’, she’s early 60’s! HER mum is elderly at 87...

COVID is an interesting one for her, because she obeys the rules in public but not in private. Wears a mask, distanced in shops but like a lot of people she happily visits friends and family with no distancing at all. We’ve explained to her multiple times (I’m vulnerable for a couple of reasons and so is DH) that we can’t afford to get sick so she needs to keep her distance from us physically, but she doesn’t get it at all. She’s not isolated due to covid, she sees at least a couple of people daily.

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