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“It’s me or the cat!”

(259 Posts)
GonePenguin Wed 21-Oct-20 23:30:34

Ok, not quite that dramatic/black and white ultimatum.

Moved in with bf. The cat is an utter bastard. He was shy for a few weeks - got him to nuzzle me in the mornings (he wants feeding) - but now he stalks and ambushes me. He doesn’t do this to bf. It’s more awful the three or so times a day he gets his ‘crazy 10 minutes’. I walk into rooms and have to check under sofas and beds etc so I can at least prepare myself for him scrambling after me with his claws out.

I really hate the damn cat. It does nothing but take, take, take. He’s 3 and half Bengal. My bf is never home and barely pays it any attention, but claims he loves it because he was there for him during dark periods. This cat is an indoor cat. Bf asks me that I feed the cat...even if he’s at home too. Ummm, he managed before I came along. Further, I love dogs but don’t have one because I haven’t the time to take care of why have I now got to take on a bastard cat? Bf says it’s more like doing him (bf) a favour.

I’ve said I won’t live somewhere I get attacked/have to be on edge. Bf says he’s just playing and it’s his breed. My feelings still stand. Bf obviously won’t train the cat to behave (he doesn’t even play with him)...I’ve taken to arming myself with a water spray, but I still feel a prisoner/hostage in my own home.

I’d feel bad for my bf if we got rid of the cat...but I also genuinely think it's unreasonable of him to have got the cat in the first place.


YABU - suck it up.
YANBU - it goes.

OP’s posts: |
SimplyPizza Wed 21-Oct-20 23:34:23

How is it unreasonable of him to have got the cat in the first place before he even knew you?

If he demanded you got rid of your (hypothetical) dog, you’d be okay with that, would you?

seayork2020 Wed 21-Oct-20 23:36:55

So the cat was there before you? going by your post if that is the way you come across in reality I would get rid of you and keep the cat.

Shizzlestix Wed 21-Oct-20 23:38:10

Sorry, yabu. It’s his pet, it’s 3, I’m guessing he had it as a kitten? My DH hates cats, I had 2 when I met him and they used to sleep with me. He had to get used to it. I wasn’t going to give up cats I’d had for years to appease him. I won’t get more (they both died years ago) because it would really piss him off (and his mum is phobic) but if he’d said it’s me or the cats when we met, I would have waved him farewell.

Train it, although cats are generally very independent and may ignore training.

GonePenguin Wed 21-Oct-20 23:38:40

Unreasonable do him because he works incredibly long hours - hence doesn’t play with him or give him regular feeds.

If I had a dog that was attacking him, I’d quickly train the dog or else get a professional to help me. Bf, on the other hand, seems to think this might just fade out...or when I do ask him to discipline when an attack happens, he picks up the cat and basically whispers ‘be nice. Don’t be mean to GonePenguin’

OP’s posts: |
AfterSchoolWorry Wed 21-Oct-20 23:39:03

Bf obviously won’t train the cat to behave


Dumbie Wed 21-Oct-20 23:39:51

Bengals have quite the personality, even a cross bred one. They need stimulation and its likely to be acting out because you are there and it's a change to its environment. It's quite a common trait in bengals.

So, it needs toys, cat tree, tunnel etc
Is it safe outside? If so, it could go out.
Otherwise feliway plug ins
Constructive play with you, stop feeding him yourself.

But I'm afraid yabu

seayork2020 Wed 21-Oct-20 23:39:56


*Bf obviously won’t train the cat to behave*


Maybe if the cat was asked really really nicely?

pigsDOfly Wed 21-Oct-20 23:41:03

Poor bloody cat, it's stuck in the house with very little interaction from the people around it, and not much to do from the sound of it, and on top of that when it does interact in the only way it knows how, it gets sprayed with water.

Sounds like a horrible way to live, just being a nuisance to everyone.

Cat might be happier being rehomed to someone who wants it around.

PickAChew Wed 21-Oct-20 23:41:37

Hahaha. Bengals are bastards!

CausingChaos2 Wed 21-Oct-20 23:41:46

You knew he had the cat before you moved in 🤷‍♀️

Stop spraying the cat with water too unless you want to make it dislike you even more. It sounds bored and like it needs play to tire it out. Bengals need a lot of attention.

Rollmopsrule Wed 21-Oct-20 23:41:55

Poor cat. Stuck indoors all day, no attention from its owner and you hate it. Maybe the right thing is to rehome it then it can be better cared for and allowed outside.

GonePenguin Wed 21-Oct-20 23:42:37

Dumbie - thanks! Hadn’t heard of Feliway before

OP’s posts: |
AfterSchoolWorry Wed 21-Oct-20 23:42:37

when I do ask him to discipline


You have invaded the cats home as far as it's concerned. You can't 'discipline' or 'train' cats. It doesn't work that way.

PolPotNoodle Wed 21-Oct-20 23:42:40

What discipline do you think will work on the cat, grounding it and taking away its toys for a week?

Just move out, the situation isn't tenable.

CovidNightmare Wed 21-Oct-20 23:45:27

I wouldn't have a pet that stalked, attacked me and I was on edge all the time. Of course he is allowed to keep his cat but if he did I would leave.

Dumbie Wed 21-Oct-20 23:45:47

Feliway on its own won't do it, kitty will need all of the other stuff to.
If you get it, dont forget to change it every month!

MrsCatE Wed 21-Oct-20 23:46:22

Ask for this post to be move to the Litter Tray and then prepare to get your arse whooped and handed back to you on a plate.

No. 1 advice. Toys. Lots of. Engage and play with beast.

GonePenguin Wed 21-Oct-20 23:47:59

NB the cat was fine before I moved in. He would just hide a bit or otherwise be calm.

By my bf disciplining, I also mean ‘just generally help the situation’ ie play with his cat, tire him out and get the ‘hunt’ out of him every day so I’m left alone. He’s seen the cat go for me and was shocked...still no playing. He’s suggested I use a laser pointer to distract the cat so I can get past him, which sounds like awful positive reinforcement to me and/or will amp up the cat even more.

OP’s posts: |
ZaraCarmichaelshighheels Wed 21-Oct-20 23:48:38

That poor cat stuck in a house with someone who hates it, sprays water at it and the other one can’t be bothered to feed it or interact with it at all, do that poor cat a favour and find it a home where it is fed regularly and gets some love and attention, no wonder the cat acts the way it does, the poor thing is utterly miserable.

lyralalala Wed 21-Oct-20 23:51:35

Cats can tell when they're not liked. You're invading his space. Distraction is good, but the best thing is to have good associations. Treats when it behaves nicely and make sure it has lots of toys.

Does it always attack you in the same way? Are you, without realising, sitting where the cat normally sits or startling the cat by being around when it was previously alone?

SBTLove Wed 21-Oct-20 23:52:56

I think you should move out, the cat was there first and stop spraying him 😡

GonePenguin Wed 21-Oct-20 23:54:21

lyralalala - he has his own chair, which I never touch, and it’s generally the only place he sits. He doesn’t hiss at me (he has hissed at others in the past) or destroy my things/clothes with my scent on.

When I first moved in, I fed him almost exclusively...and yet this still happened. I was very open to a pet, but the attacks just got to much...hence my massive resentment now

OP’s posts: |
Yoffel Wed 21-Oct-20 23:55:50

Your boyfriend is a shit cat owner. Doesn’t play with him and is even offloading feeding it to you. The cat is bored stiff. Tell bf he feeds and plays with the cat when he’s around. You feed and play with it when not. Second the advice re plug ins.

catsarecute Wed 21-Oct-20 23:56:28

Please don't spray the poor cat with water. It will make things worse.

I agree with the people who said try feliway.

The cat also needs some entertainment. Playing with it might help you bond. Try this cat dancer toy, our cats love it - try and do 10 mins a day - da bird toys are good too -
Also yeowww cat nip toys are amazing, they play with them on their own (can make them hyper at first so be on your guard, then super chilled and happy)
And small soft mouse toys they can bat around and pounce on (zooplus sell these too)
Try also cat TV on you tube with birds and mice for him to watch
I really didn't used to like cats (brought up with dogs) but got talked into a couple of kittens by DH. And one of them turned out to be super grumpy too. Now I'm a crazy cat lady haha. Give it a go, you might grow to love him

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