To call it day due to ex and stepchildren

[Isthisenough237]

So name change for this and please bare with me. Me and DH have been married 3 years together 5 both were split with ex’s before we met. I have 3 DS from previous marriage and he has 2 DC from previous marriage, we have no DC together. My DS go to ex EOW and we have his DC 50/50 (3 days one week and 4 the next- so 7 out of 14).
His ex is constantly causing issues turning up at house with sweets for her children, demanding we have them on her days, wanting us to do her school runs, wanting money for clothes (she claims all benefits for both children and we provide all clothing here, school, holidays etc). Even on her days we are bombarded with messages every single day despite them being 9 and 13.
Today the 9 year old (DS) has stated he doesn’t want to come here tomorrow as when playing in the garden last time my DS hit him. EX is now kicking off about my son being a thug etc! I tend to supervise the garden bar popping in for the toilet and the only things I am aware of was her son kneeing my son in the face- both my DS said was a pure accident on the trampoline and despite being the same age as my youngest he weighs about 4kg more so caused a large bruise to his face but wasn’t a big deal as accidents happen. The other was him weeing in the garden on purpose when I went to fill the dogs water bowl so he was sent in side as that’s not acceptable.
There is always some sort of problem or drama from DH ex and it’s so draining but now my children are being bought into it I am literally at the end of my line

[madcatladyforever]

I'd finish it, I don't need that kind of hassle and grief in my life and the children clearly are not happy.

[MeridianB]

Im not surprised you’ve had enough.

As ever, you don’t have a child or ex wife problem - you have a DH problem.

Why is he not dealing with all this?

[Isthisenough237]

DH is just upset his DS is saying he doesn’t want to come here tomorrow, and is no concerned that the reason given is untrue and my DS is being used as a scape goat. Step sons behaviour wasn’t great last visit and DH told him off a number of times which I also believe is a huge factor in this but I won’t stand by as his mother then bad mouths my son- I am not allowed to discipline him as she says I am not his parent and I am to keep my nose out (ex’s words) yet I am expected to have them next week in half term as I am off work

[UnsureAndUnsteady]

I completely underway you are annoyed but your DH needs to step up and sort this out. He needs to put in place clear boundaries with his Ex and ensure that her issues don’t become your issues. Have you had a word with him and what does he say about it all? He needs to be clear on the days that are his and the rest of the time she is to deal with any issues that arise. He doesn’t mind if an emergency crops up but he will not be doing school runs etc and when they are at yours she isn’t to come over (again save for an emergency).

[Isthisenough237]

That’s just it he will tell her and she will agree and then 2 weeks later does what she likes! She doesn’t come to my house anymore after she threatened me with physical violence in front of my children and I have said she is no long aloud on my property in any situation, so can come into the road to get kids etc but not on my drive.

[Isthisenough237]

DH is just saying he isn’t bothered what his sons reason does not coming is and that’s not important the issue is he might not come tomorrow. But actually lying and making things up against someone isn’t something to be ignored and I won’t just pretend it isn’t happening so he comes and it opens the flood gates

[Sharpandshineyteeth]

Whose house is it? Can he have his children in his own house and you see each other when he doesn’t have his step DC?

[SpaceOP]

You have a dh problem. Because this has been building with his ex being way too involved and accommodated and now the children are learning that they can do what they like too.

[MeridianB]

Presumably you’re going to tell him to find some childcare for half term?

Can you ignore her and all the arrangements and just do your own thing and leave DH to step up? It sounds like you need/deserve a breathing space to work out what you want.

[Isthisenough237]

No we share a house and so that’s not an option- I wouldn’t be willing to live apart as a married couple as that would clearly show it doesn’t work

[Isthisenough237]

SpaceOP his eldest DD does whatever she wants already and speaks to him however she wants- can actually see when she wants something and count down her asking for something. He lets it go half the time and pretends not to notice.
My children go to there dad Wednesday I will not be providing childcare next week after this

[FuzzyPuffling]

Well I certainly wouldn't be looking after them in half term. That's up to your DH.

[SunshineCake]

If you aren't good enough to educate them in how to behave then surely you can't be trusted to look after them while their actual parents work...

[Isthisenough237]

She doesn’t work

[Dontbeme]

yet I am expected to have them next week in half term as I am off work

What does their dad have to say about the childcare for next week then? You cannot have them as they have told lies about your DC and you could be next, would he defend you if his DC told lies about you, you could be in a very vulnerable position OP, that and you have been told to keep your nose out, it can't work both ways.

[Krampusasbabysitter]

I'd run a mile. Your husband sounds a nightmare too. It's not fair on your sons at all. Don't be available to provide childcare for his children next week. If you are expected to not discipline them, then it would be a hard no for me.

[DeliciouslyFemale]

While you are deciding what you are going to do, hand over all care of the children to their father. Tell him that they are his responsibility from now on. If things are so bad that you want to split, then there’s no point in sacrificing your time to suit either of their parents. Maybe it will take this for him to wise up or he’ll still be pathetic and it will make it easier for you to leave.

[SPLUGSYMALONE]

If the DSS is going to make up accusations, your DH will need to be with them all the time that they are in your house.

You cannot be left in sole charge and obviously your DSS's mum won't want you watching them if she thinks your DC will potentially hurt hers.

So she and your DH need to work out between them who will be watching your SC over half term as you clearly can't (if they believe DSS's version of events).

[MeridianB]

@Dontbeme

yet I am expected to have them next week in half term as I am off work

What does their dad have to say about the childcare for next week then? You cannot have them as they have told lies about your DC and you could be next, would he defend you if his DC told lies about you, you could be in a very vulnerable position OP, that and you have been told to keep your nose out, it can't work both ways.

This is a really good point.

How old are his DC?

[SBTLove]

Just be very clear you will not be providing any childcare because ‘you’re not their parent’ and your DH better be off to look after them or they can stay at their mums. He needs to call their bluff and just say ‘ok see you next time’ they’re emotionally blackmailing him, my DPs DC try this one too, learned from their DM.

[MeridianB]

Also, I know it’s not the point but why is your DH signing up to have them at half term if he is not going to be there and the ex does not work?

[Wiredforsound]

Your husband is a dick. His kids. He looks after them. He deals with his ex.

[Devlesko]

Your dh is the problem, as usual.
Why are you providing free childcare for his kids, and does his ex provide it for you.
Remove your MUG tattoo from your forehead and the person putting it there and your life and that of your children will improve.
He looks after his own kids or they don't come to your home, simple.

[Devlesko]

Why don't women ever learn, they are an ex for a reason.

[jessstan1]

@madcatladyforever

I'd finish it, I don't need that kind of hassle and grief in my life and the children clearly are not happy.

That.

I don't need to get naked with you to tell you, op.

I hope lots of single people look at mumsnet and make the decision to never get involved with someone who has young children. It is just not worth the effort.