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AIBU?

To wonder if only children are happier now?

108 replies

Buddytheelf85 · 21/10/2020 16:01

I was born in the 80s and was a very unhappy only child. That was for two main reasons:

  1. My parents didn’t want to have an only child. They wanted more but couldn’t. That awful disappointment meant they were very overprotective and controlling and I bore all the weight of their expectations.
  2. Being an only child was so unusual back then. I was the only only in a class of 30. I always felt so weird, I never felt ‘normal’. I used to daydream about having brothers and sisters. My parents also alienated me quite a lot from popular culture which meant that I really struggled to relate to other children - i.e. when they were talking about TV shows I’d have no idea.


But now having an only child seems to be very common. I have three friends who’ve been quite open about having ‘one and done’. And although I don’t know for sure, I think it’s a positive choice on their part - not the result of fertility problems for example. Apparently the children aren’t the only onlies in their classes at school. I also think nowadays the Internet means it’s much easier to stay in touch with popular culture and stay connected with other people.

I do appreciate that I’m talking in massive generalisations and everyone’s circumstances are different. But AIBU to wonder if it’s easier being an only child now than it was then?
OP posts:
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minipie · 21/10/2020 16:06

Yes I think so. Not just the internet but there are way more activities, holiday clubs, kids clubs in hotels etc than there used to be. Of course you need money for these but then having one child is cheaper than two...

And yes as you say it’s more common, although suspect it depends by area, it’s quite rare in DC’s school. Maybe one per class.

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Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/10/2020 16:12

I'm an only child, born in 1990. My mum wanted more but she divorced my dad when I was 2 and never had the chance to have more. I'm fine with it, I was never unhappy although my cousins of a similar age lived round the corner and we were always in and out of each others houses.

My 7yo DS is also an only, I don't want any more children. He was fine until lockdown and schools closing, then he was very unhappy not being able to spend time with anyone his own age. I'm dreading that happening again.

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Mia1415 · 21/10/2020 16:16

I was born in the early 80's and was an only child. It never bothered me. I am quite happy with my own company though and always have been. Thinking back, I don't there were any other only children in my class at school.
My Dad was an only child too.
My DS is an only child and several of his friends are too, although they are still a minority in his class. He doesn't seem upset about it. I'd have loved more children, but apparently you need a man for that so not much chance of that happening :-)

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IMNOTSHOUTING · 21/10/2020 16:16

There are quite a few onlies in both DCs' classes. They seem perfectly happy - although one of their mums commented that he found lockdown hard. My best friend growing up (born 80s) was an only and she was happy with it. I've always had a difficult relationship with my brother and my parents barely had the energy for one child so I would have been no worse off as an only! I chose to have two but don't think life would be terrible for an only child just because they're an only. (Obviously in your case there was more going on).

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FairFridaythe13th · 21/10/2020 16:18

Not sure - mum was an only child (never complained about it) and this was in the 30s so maybe there were more only children /spinsters around because of the numbers of men killed during the war?

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VeryQuaintIrene · 21/10/2020 16:22

60s-born only child here. I had a generally happy childhood, not blighted by being an only, and as a result, have supernatural powers of entertaining myself happily by myself!

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MyMyMrThumb · 21/10/2020 16:24

I don't know, I'm an only child and loved it (and I still do now). It really doesn't bother me not having any siblings, now or then. Out of everyone I know with multiple brothers and sisters, I am closest to my parents and, whilst it won't always be the case for everyone I know, I do believe that's because I'm an only child and I really enjoy that closeness we have.

I actually only found out when I was an adult that my parents hadn't been able to have more children rather than not wanting them.

I do get what you mean about the over protectiveness but I'm not sure if that is an only thing or not. I felt it most from my Dad rather than my mum and I'm not convinced it was because I was an only child but more so because I am a woman (or girl back then) and he worries. He is in a job which means he sees a lot of violence against / not very nice scenarios involving women so I've always attributed it more to this although you could be right that it's also because I'm their only child.

I will only have one child. I'm not sure if that's necessarily through choice or not as I do suffer from fertility issues as well which make it hard to have a successful pregnancy. But it doesn't upset me because I know it's not a bad thing. I wanted a child and I finally managed to have one, I won't put myself through all of that again for another, but I also won't feel bad about it because I know from experience there can be positives from being an only.

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FairFridaythe13th · 21/10/2020 16:27

It ‘amuses’ me when people ask ‘what if something happens to the child’ when you have one. Well I guess if I had more than one I’d just shrug and call in the sub, eh?

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Twizbe · 21/10/2020 16:27

In my mum circles I'm unusual in having 2, most are still on 1. I think a few might be planning siblings soon but majority are one and done.

Partly it's an age things (a lot are over or close to 40) partly it's a can't afford more or just don't want to go through it all again. Only 1 is because of fertility issues.

I was born in the early 80s and only knew 1 only child growing up and 1 at uni.

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Lazt · 21/10/2020 16:29

Only one only in my dd’s class - all the rest have just one other sibling. That’s got to be unusual too?

DS’s class has no onlys, but several with multiple siblings.

I think it’s all down to individual temperament and how well you get on with siblings if you do have them. Back in the good old olden days it was more likely there’d be a community (my parents as a reference) on the doorstep so I’m not sure kids these days are better off with online connectivity etc.

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lanthanum · 21/10/2020 16:36

Quite a few onlies in my DD's year at primary, but interestingly mostly in the same friendship group (together with a couple with siblings but quite a big gap). Not been a problem for us, except perhaps in lockdown, when I think not being the only one home-schooling would have helped.

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CodenameVillanelle · 21/10/2020 16:36

My parents had a couple of friends who had onlies and there was definitely an undercurrent of pity and slight judgement towards them and a sense that their families couldn't be as good as ours. I don't think my parents were being cruel I just think that was a common view. Both friends were divorced too which wasn't that usual.
Nowadays ironically 3 of their kids have onlies and two are divorced Grin
The don't think my DS is unhappy being an only in the least. I've always been proactive in arranging play dates and now he's 12 he has lots of friends. Lockdown was rough but they communicated loads over Xbox and WhatsApp

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HowFastIsTooFast · 21/10/2020 16:37

I'm an 80s only child and I hated it, but probably didn't help that I didn't even have cousins my kind of age so family time was always just me and adults.

We're TTC our first now and I'd love to have two but worried time is against us (I'm 37 now).

If we're lucky enough to have one but not two then I'll do everything I can with regards extra curricular activities / play dates / getting on the floor and playing the games you need 2 people for (my parents were bad at this. I played a lot of snakes and ladders on my own) etc.

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MinkyWinky · 21/10/2020 16:39

My DD is an only and the only one in her class. We talk about it as she sometimes says she's lonely when we don't have time to play with her, but on the flip side, she often has friends round who are envious that she doesn't have siblings, so she knows there are positives!

She's always been around other children as we both work and we have always organised lots of playdates and holiday clubs, but sometimes she just wants to hangout and is quite happy playing on her own.

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CanwerollontheNY · 21/10/2020 16:47

I’m not an only OP but I have an only myself. I think in the 80s times were different and people were a lot more closer and knew each other better like neighbours and so on. I would think it’s not easier now than it was back in the 80s.

It’s interesting though as a parent of an only child I’m very aware (coming for a big family myself) so things like holidays always need extra planning to make sure my DS is kept busy.

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ThisMustBeMyDream · 21/10/2020 16:50

I'm an 80's kid and an only. No idea of the status of other kids at school. I literally have not one clue if they had siblings.

I didn't mind being an only when I was in my teenage years. I remember wanting a sibling when I was around 5 or 6 though. The time I have really longed for a sibling is in my adulthood. I'm 35 and would give anything to have some family.

My parents divorced when I was 9. Both of them fought over me. Then as soon as I was a mid-teen full of sass (read: attitude and being a know it all!) they just lost interest in me. Now both of them don't bother much with me. My mum will always talk on the phone if I call (after a grumpy "what's up now?") but I don't see her often, and she isn't emotionally avaliable. My dad is the same, but I speak with him even less than my mum.

Basically, my parents aren't any emotional or practical support, and I guess I hoped that a sibling/s would provide that (and me to them). I know it doesn't always work out that way, but it might have done...

I just mostly feel lonely.

I think it would have made a big difference if I had close cousins, and family living near by, but I don't even have that. My poor kids don't have any aunts or uncles either as they don't see their father or fathers family (his and their choice). And grandparents who are not particularly interested beyond hearing about their achievements.

I have 3 children. All boys. I hope they will grow up with their own little support network 🤞.

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Hardbackwriter · 21/10/2020 16:52

DH is the only child (born in the 80s) of an only child (born in the 50s) and they were both very happy children by all reports. DH said when we were weighing up whether to have a second child that the only consideration was whether we wanted another one because he knew that the feeling lots of people have that they 'had to' give their child a sibling wasn't necessary. DH and MIL are both quite introverted people but it's hard to tell if that's why they were so suited to being only children or if they are so comfortable in their own company because they were only children - either way it's not at all a bad way to be.

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Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 21/10/2020 16:55

DS is an only and just started school and I know of several other onlies. His two best friends are onlies. He likes to be reassured regularly that I won't be hatching any more eggs in my tummy so seems very happy.

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Coldandwet123 · 21/10/2020 16:57

I am an only child (late 70s so 80s really) and we have an only child.
I sometimes wished for a brother or sister and I felt sadness as I had a sibling who died.
It taught me to be happy in my own company and I still am.
Its an individual thing; some like it and other's don't. Personally, I was happy and our child is happy too.

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ForgotMyMaskAgain · 21/10/2020 17:05

I always felt different as a Lonely Only in the 70s and 80s and find it really hard now with ageing (divorced) parents. Nobody to share the load.

Am very happy that my DCs are not OC.

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dottiedodah · 21/10/2020 17:30

Well I was born in the 60s and was an only child! Not unusual then for people to have 5 or 6 children . My DP couldnt have any more either .DM was also an only and my FIL too (Both born in the 30s) I have a cousin who I am close to and DGP when growing up too

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bookworm14 · 21/10/2020 17:38

I am the parent of an only child. There are definitely more around now - I can only think of a handful in my primary school growing up, and there was only one in my class (she is now the mum of an only child herself, so she can’t have hated it!).

I do worry sometimes that my DD will resent us for not ‘giving’ her a sibling, but as others have pointed out, that in itself is not enough reason to create a new person.

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Skigal86 · 21/10/2020 18:19

I’m an only (born mid 80s) and my mum is also an only. I don’t know about my grandparents circumstances but for my mum and dad Me being an only was a choice. It meant we could travel a lot and they gave me experiences and opportunities that my peers didn’t have. I was probably the only only in my class, my mum was also the oldest of all my friends mums. My cousins lived far away and my parents friends mostly had much older children so I spent a lot of time around adults and was probably a bit old beyond my years at some points.

My parents weren’t overprotective in many ways, I went out clubbing from 16/17 for example, although they always looked out for me and went to great lengths to protect me when I was in less than ideal situations. E.g my dad driving two hours to pick me up when I’d missed the last train back from London after I’d been to a concert when I was 18 and had just gone off to uni.

It’s interesting what you say about being alienated from popular culture, I definitely was, particularly in terms of music, not deliberately, we just listened to what they liked. 30 years later I still love the 60s music my dad listened to in the car when he picked me up after school.

I always thought I wanted two kids, I know there’s no guarantees they’d get on but the thing that scares me the most is when my mums gone, I’m all alone in the world (I have DD and DH, but that feels different!) Now I have one, I’m more on the fence about having more.

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LashesZ · 21/10/2020 18:24

I'm an only child, born in the 90s. It's awesome, I'm independent and really feel invested in by my parents (not that siblings don't but you know what I mean). I would want another child for DD eventually but that is for me and not her.

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thepeopleversuswork · 21/10/2020 18:24

If anything they are likely to be marginally happier now because there are fewer small minded prying people who make judgements about people because of the number of kids they have had.

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