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To think that this is unacceptable?

(94 Posts)
BigMC93 Wed 21-Oct-20 08:24:13

DP and I have been together for almost 6 years and have a 3 month old together. DP has always had a terrible habit of calling me names during arguments, e.g. moron, idiot, piece of sh*t, spastic twat, asking me "are you really that stupid?" etc. If I'm being honest, I grew up in a house where my mother was being beaten by her partners, and I think I always thought it was acceptable to be called names as long as he wasn't hitting me. Although, I don't speak to him in the same way as I've never had the urge to.

Last Sunday we had a row which escalated and resulted in him throwing the Next2Me across the room (DC was in my arms) and calling me a piece of sh*t. I started packing my bags to leave, when his parents got involved. Despite knowing how he had spoken to me, his mother told me not to leave and said "how would you feel if he said he was going away and taking DC with him?". In the end I stayed as I wasn't sure if I was being fair taking his child away for a few days. (I did mention at the time that DP could come and see DC whenever he wanted, and that I just needed a few days to clear my head and think about the future of our relationship. His mother said that he wouldn't have time as he was working).

The next day DP offered to contact the Doctor about Anger Management classes, and was given contact details for Men to Men (or something like that). A week goes by and I asked DP if he contacted the Men to Men and he told me "No, I keep forgetting". I told him that I was annoyed by this, as it doesn't seem like he's taking it seriously given that it doesn't take a week to send an email, and forgetting isn't good enough given that I told him I'm leaving him if it happens again, as I don't want DC growing up in a volatile household. He thought I was being unreasonable for "attacking" him about it, and that I should be more supportive as he needs my support right now to work on his anger.

AIBU for thinking the following:

1. His mother was wrong to say that I shouldn't take his child away for a few days despite what happened?
2. He should have contacted Men for Men sooner?

Thank you in advance

OP’s posts: |
AutumnSummersBuffysCousin Wed 21-Oct-20 08:32:51

His mother was wrong, you are not wrong. If he saw how serious this was and genuinely gave a shit there would be no “forgetting” about anything. Leave, and tell him you will only consider coming back when he has not only emailed, but done the course and takes real ownership for his unacceptable actions.

flaviaritt Wed 21-Oct-20 08:36:24

It’s all unacceptable. A man who calls you a piece of shit and a spastic is always going to do what pleases him, not you, and his useless mother is going to back him up. Pack and go, today.

CremeEggThief Wed 21-Oct-20 08:38:33

I would go if I were you. He doesn't respect you.

Waxonwaxoff0 Wed 21-Oct-20 08:38:41

His mother is wrong.

But you should have left a long time ago.

chickenyhead Wed 21-Oct-20 08:38:56

Oh OP, I am so sorry that you are in this position.

Her advice was not impartial and puts you and your child at risk. His behaviour is unacceptable, even in the manner that he is pretending that he will seek help.

He isnt bullying you because he is ill, that is who he actually is. It would require years of Therapy for him to realise that he was being nasty and controlling and change his ways. He knows what he is doing, he's doing it deliberately.

Please consider looking in to doing the Freedom Programme. Please speak to someone with experience of domestic violence, who can help you to escape safely. Do it for your child.

LavaCake Wed 21-Oct-20 08:39:12

He is wrong, and his mother is wrong. He’s an abuser and his mother is enabling him because she wants the easy option, which is for you to put up with it.

He clearly has no intention to change - he only said he would take anger management classes to appease you in the moment when you were standing up for yourself. He’s given you just enough hope to hang on for a change that will never actually come. Next time he flips out and yells things and throws things at you, he’ll make the same promise and buy himself a bit more time.

If he genuinely realised that what he did was bad, or cared at all about changing his behaviour, he would already have contacted them. He hadn’t done so yet because he doesn’t actually think his behaviour is a big deal and he’s not planning to change.

He has shown you who he is. He has shown you he doesn’t care about changing. You now need to decide what to do with that information.

nimbuscloud Wed 21-Oct-20 08:39:57

Leave today. He will start beating you at some stage, Your child is already growing up in an abusive household. Do you want your child to have the same awful childhood that you had?

Weenurse Wed 21-Oct-20 08:41:27

Pack and go.
If he has counseling and changes, you could revisit the relationship, but for now you need to go.

EnjoyingTheSilence Wed 21-Oct-20 08:42:48

He has no intention of changing. He said what he needed to say in order for you to stay. It worked.

When he goes to work today, pack your bags and go. If he’s really serious about changing he can prove it.

He will not get any better

DragonPie Wed 21-Oct-20 08:45:53

Your child is going to grow up hearing his Dad call his Mum awful names and think this is normal, and the abuse cycle repeats.

Leave. He isn’t going to call. His DM is wrong. Don’t be manipulated in to staying.

borntohula Wed 21-Oct-20 08:46:27

Urgh, what a horrid mummy's boy, time to palm him off on her. They both deserve it.

mytimeonline Wed 21-Oct-20 08:46:42

Pack your bag and tell him you will be back when he has started his classes
Your mother in-law is not living in this daily
Why she thinks they can tell you what is fair or ok to subject you and your child to is not ok
You know this yourself by your gut instinct and no person can play the game of not fair on the child
He choose to treat you this way
You choose not to accept it.

Sunnydaysstillhere Wed 21-Oct-20 08:47:09

He needs gone for good. His dm can put up with his abuse..
I had a mil who tried to justify her ds's anger for years.
Even when he smashed up our home.
Even when a judge agreed his dc needed protection from him..
Mil eventually disowned him when he went to punch her on her own doorstep. She was a pensioner by then too..

Therealjudgejudy Wed 21-Oct-20 08:49:31

Leave him...or you are creating the same cycle for your child that your mum did for you.

Dont normalise this behaviour for your child to follow flowers

DragonPie Wed 21-Oct-20 08:49:41

Does he call his DM these names? People at work? Friends? Or does he just save his anger for you.

Sunnydaysstillhere Wed 21-Oct-20 08:53:16

At 28 my ds still has anger management from witnessing his df's behaviour.. He himself has been a violent partner..
Break the chain op.

Spam88 Wed 21-Oct-20 08:55:53

Oh OP he's awful, and the abuse has already become physical. It's only going to get worse. Please make arrangements to leave.

And his mum can fuck off. How you would feel if he left with your child is irrelevant because you're not the one throwing pieces of furniture at a newborn baby.

StormcloakNord Wed 21-Oct-20 08:57:43

Please, for nobody else than your DC, leave.

Don't let your DC grow up thinking it's normal to verbally and physically abuse their partner.

GabriellaMontez Wed 21-Oct-20 08:58:37

Leave. protect yourself and your child from this behaviour.

BigMC93 Wed 21-Oct-20 09:00:47

@dragonpie I haven't witnessed him calling her names, but he is disrespectful to his parents in the way he speaks to them. He has called his father names though

OP’s posts: |
Thisisnotnormal69 Wed 21-Oct-20 09:01:10

He has a “habit” of calling you those horrible disgusting names? No, he chooses to and doesn’t care that it hurts you. He does these things because he doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t value you and he thinks you deserve it. You will find yourself in your mother’s position and your child will suffer growing up in an abusive household. They always know. What is happening at the moment is already abusive. Protect your child now and get out.

FenellaVelour Wed 21-Oct-20 09:02:35

If you were behaving in the same way towards him, I expect she’d have no hesitation in advising him to leave.

Leaving will give a clear message that you will not tolerate this behaviour, and will not tolerate your child being exposed to it.

What he does then is down to him. He can sulk and blame you, or take responsibility for change.

JoeCalFuckingZaghe Wed 21-Oct-20 09:06:16

Make plans to leave when he is at work.
You know this isn't right, and you can't let your daughter be witness to her dad being physically and emotionally abusive to her mum. Show her what a healthy relationship is and ultimately be happy it doesn't sound like this relationship is bringing you much joy.
Don't let his poisonous parents control you!

Longdistance Wed 21-Oct-20 09:06:56

Start making plans to leave. He has no intention of contacting that group. He was hoping you forget, he’ll come out with loads of excuses. His mum should never have gotten involved, it’s none of her business.
Do you have somewhere to go?

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