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To be upset with professionals for revealing baby’s sex(201 Posts)
I have managed to get to 33 weeks without finding out the sex of my baby. My partner and I were really looking forward to it being a surprise, and we had hoped that he could announce the sex when they are born.
However, I had a routine scan yesterday and the sonographer seemed to slip up and say it was a boy. I had said at the beginning of the scan that I didn’t want to find out (especially seeing as my partner hasn’t been to a single scan, so wouldn’t want to find out without him there). She was a really lovely sonographer, but part way through she seemed to accidentally slip up and used ‘he’. I think she realised, as her sentence trailed off and she sort of mumbled sorry. Neither of us acknowledged what she had just said.
After the scan I told my partner that I thought I knew the sex, but wouldn’t tell him unless he wanted me to. As of today, he still hasn’t decided whether he wants to know. I completely understand that he might want it to be a surprise, and we have joked that we will likely not make it to the baby being born without him finding out!
Fast forward to just now. I had a call from a consultant (I’m having extra scans and consultant-led care because of raised BP). The call lasted all of two minutes, him asking me nothing about my blood pressure or physical health, but he did say ‘and you’re having a little boy?’, to which I replied ‘I don’t know, I’m not finding out’. He didn’t respond to this and just moved on.
I am so happy that I am due a healthy baby, and I know that this is not a big deal, but I feel gutted that two people have told me the sex of my baby against my wishes. I would never dream of making a formal complaint, but would it be unreasonable to mention what happened? At the moment I think I’m still reeling from finding out, and just feel like opting out of consultant-led care. My baby has been fine the whole way along, and I just feel angry that these extra interventions have contributed to me finding out the sex without my wanting to!
Sorry for the rant!
Congratulations on your healthy pregnancy and baby! That's wonderful news . Wishing you a healthy remainder of your pregnancy, I do hope you can enjoy it and look forward to your little arrival in a few short weeks x
I feel for you. I’d be a bit annoyed at finding out when I didn’t want to. I suppose there is nothing you can really do about it now though, apart from making a complaint.
It's a pity if you were looking forward to finding out on the day, but accidents like this happen. I would try to move on and get used to the thought of knowing. It'll be easier if your partner also knows so you can get excited about what you're expecting together, but understand you wanting to leave this up to him.
I don't think you're being unreasonable to be annoyed and disappointed, I would be too. Personally, I wouldn't say anything as what's done is done.
That is so frustrating - I'm so sorry. But it's rare nowadays to wait and they just messed up. They won't be doing it again and will be kicking themselves. There's a chance they're wrong though - they thought my husband was a girl but that was a while ago haha.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to be upset at being told the sex when you were hoping to keep it as a surprise. You could mention it and no doubt the people involved will try their best to remember with other people they have contact with in the future.
However letting that impact on your decision to have consultant led care or not doesn’t make sense to me. I can always we’ll understand how slips like that happen with people working in roles that are very busy and high stress etc.
Going by my experiences (and I’m also a midwife) if the sonographer did see the baby was a boy she wouldn’t have recorded it anywhere - I very much doubt the consultant knew.
It might not be a boy. It’s very common for sonographers to refer to a baby as ‘he’ as it’s easier to distinguish between mum and baby. Did they ask you to look away at any point? They don’t tend to bother looking at genitals on routine scans unless you do actually want to know. It’s also not information that is recorded on normal scan reports so I’m not sure how the consultant would know? Are you sure they weren’t just making conversation?
That is annoying.
But, I don’t think you can blame the sonographer.. a lot of them just say he/she automatically and they might not actually have looked... they might just say he for all babies.
The consultant deliberately saying it is annoying though.
You say you don’t want to complain, just mention it... but who do you want to mention it to? I’m sure the consultant has already realised they’ve put their foot in it.
It's reasonable to be disappointed if you were hoping not to find out the sex till birth.
It is totally ridiculous to consider opting out of consultant based care, which is presumably for yours and baby's benefit, because you don't like the fact you found out the baby's sex. Medical scans are just that: medical scans. Sure it would have been nice to have a surprise, but it's hardly the end of the world that they were focusing on doing the job of checking all is well with you and baby.
I don't understand why they do that. Unless there is something on the scan showing an issue related to the sex then there is no need to even bring it up. They should only be saying "baby is fine" and not using any pronouns unless actually asked.
If that was standard practice then slip ups just wouldn't happen.
I wouldn't make a big complaint or anything but I would bring it up next time I saw the consultant, even if it's just to say "I havent told my husband what you said when you revealed the sex to me so please dont do it again and then at least he can be surprised".
It's understandable that you're disappointed. But their priority is not to keep your surprise, their job is to focus on your and the baby's medical details/health. If they are so preoccupied with "don't say it, don't say it" it can distract them from something very important. So allow yourself to be upset, but move on. I wouldn't say anything, they are not responsible for being complicit in your plans for a surprise.
I know the sex is a big deal but things you can still look forward to finding out about them:
- Their favourite colour
- Their first word
- Their favourite food
- Their future job
- Their highest GCSE grade
- What they call their pet fish/hamster/rabbit/puppy etc
- Their nickname from their friends
- Their favourite toy
- Whether they like sleeping on their back or front (the constantly changing medical advice will not always align with their preference)
- Whether they prefer hot or cold
- If they love or hate baths
I could list a million things! Your little one is SO much more than their sex and I know it feels like an important moment that you've lost but every moment with them is so much more important, I swear.
(Eugh, so cringe, I want to roll my eyes at myself!!)
You’re all totally right, it would be biting off my nose to spite my face to stop being consultant-led because of this! I just have that feeling of wanting to do SOMETHING to communicate how I’m feeling. Perhaps once my partner knows I can’t just vent to him- I think it’s more not having anyone to moan about it to just yet that has made me want to do something extreme.
It’s interesting that you say that the consultant wouldn’t necessarily know, even if the sonographer did. I just can’t think of another explanation, as there was no ambiguity in what the consultant said.
I’m sure in a day or two I’ll be over it, and will be able to get myself excited about having a boy. Maybe I just need to feel sorry for myself for a second!
I CAN just vent to my partner, rather
You cannot be annoyed at the sonographer. When having my scans they all told me not to take any notice when they said ‘he’ as they didn’t like saying it.
As for the consultant , that’s strange. I don’t know why the sex of your baby would be recorded before birth.
I understand you being annoyed but it’s human error that dis not result in risk to life or limb. It’s a big deal for you but Please don’t waste people’s time by complaining (I’m not sure what you mean by saying you might mention it)
It's not unreasonable to be a bit upset especially as you have made it such a long time without knowing!!! You may as well have just found out from the beginning!
Still though it is what it is now! Congrats on your new arrival
YANBU to be disappointed that you may know the sex if your baby, when you wanted to wait until they were born.
YABU to let this affect your consultant care. You may not feel it has been worthwhile yet, but you may change your mind in that by the time you're cuddling your baby.
I think your DH is being a bit selfish, I think he should let you tell him so you can discuss it.
I'm guessing this is your first? Did either of you have a b/g preference?
You still won't know for sure until they're here, so DH can confirm b/g still!
It's possible that its not a boy, I keep referring to my baby as he and she interchangeably, I dont know the sex though. We kinda just put a he/she in place for people who's gender we dont know.
And as others have said there's no reason the consultant would know, he probably just thought you'd told him at some point.
Dont let it get you down, it's a bit annoying but in the grand scheme of things the sex of your baby isn't so important.
I completely understand being upset. It would have been nice to be in control of when and how you found out. What I would say though, is that finding out at the birth isn't always the 'happy ending' of labour you imagine. I was told by a HCA, I know others who said the sex of the baby really didn't register. Try to flip this on its head and decide it's a funny story to tell your son in years to come. Parenthood isn't a well choreographed montage of wonderful moments. This is the first lesson.
I scanned my entire yellow book before I gave birth (because I'm nuts and like to have a record of everything). I've just checked it and it doesn't say anywhere what sex the baby is - so the sonographer would've had to directly tell your consultant, which would be really odd because it's not relevant to anything. Maybe it's just a coincidence and the sonographer just says "he" because they don't know the sex and "it" is a bit dismissive of a life. If you don't want to know the sex then they might not have even looked because I know when I had my scan and found out the sex they actively looked to find out.
I understand your disappointment but it is what it is. You can’t unknow now so it’s pointless getting worked up about it. Why don’t you plan a fun Gender reveal with just your husband and you can be excited together. Don’t sweat the small stuff, you have a healthy son - celebrate him!
Meh happened to me. I was just excited to hear I was having another boy and happy to receive the extra care that set my mind at rest that he was healthy. 🤷🏻♀️
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