This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Doesn’t want to be on birth certificate(214 Posts)
Without boring you with all the details, I have a 6mth old DS. I am a single mum, was not in a relationship with the dad but when I found out I was pregnant I involved him in the decision and he said he would support me either way and be involved in DS life.
He was supportive during my pregnancy and we even talked about seeing how it goes between us when the baby was born.
However since DS has been born, he has seen him between once/twice a month (he lives just over an hour away), and he always brings his mum and daughter with him so he never has time with DS on his own or has any time on his own with me so as we can talk about raising our child. I’ve asked him to arrange to see him more often, to be more consistent, to see him on his own so he can bond with him and also to support me and to give me a break sometimes. He avoids the conversation and won’t agree to anything. I have not even bought up financial contributions. I have a good job but have obviously had to save hard for my maternity leave and he has not once offered to contribute. He hasn’t even bought any nappies or milk! But I have also not asked him for anything.
We are due to register DS in 2 weeks time (delayed due to COVID). His dad has now turned round and said he doesn’t want to be on the birth certificate... the reason he gave being that ‘he doesn’t wasn’t the csa knocking on his door for MY life choices’!! I am absolutely disgusted. As far as I am concerned he has shown his true colours and I don’t want my son growing up around someone that only cares about himself.
AIBU to think being on the birth certificate is not an option? If you don’t want to be on it, then you are choosing not to be in your sons life.
He’s not even right, you can totally get the CSA onto him if he’s not on the certificate
Don’t put him on, not for him but for you, because you don’t want someone like that having equal parental rights which the BC would give him.
I don’t think you can make it work with him, if he’s really not bothered I’d let him fade away. No dad is better than a truly shit or semi absent one.
I would say that your life will probably be easier if this waste of space isn’t on the BC. I’m not an expert but I’m pretty sure you can still get maintenance from him if he’s not on the BC. You may need a DNA test?
But honestly, you can’t MAKE him spend time with your DS, and as much as this sucks, he sounds like an awful person so really, not the kind of male role model you want for him.
It’s sad to accept but once you do, you can move on and make sure you surround him with loving and kind men as he grows up, to give him better role models than he’ll get from this ‘sperm donor’ who doesn’t deserve the title of dad.
Well your son deserves to know who his father was, and NOT having a name on the bc can feel awful. So I'd say he ought to be on. But if he refuses, then you cant make him..
Tell me you're giving your son your surname ?
Put him on birth certificate. Your child deserves to know his family lineage and heritage.
Don't put him on the birth certificate, for your own sake. You need to get maintenance from him though without a doubt.
Don't put him on the BC. It'll make life easier when it comes to schools and passports.
Claim CMS. He's an idiot who doesn't realise that you don't need to be on the BC to pay child support. Just be aware that he could deny paternity and then he'll have to pay for a DNA test (if he's not done enough research to know there's no link between the BC and CMS he might be one of the ones daft enought to think "I'm not the Dad" is all it takes to end the claim)
Given his attitude I'd also stop encouraging him to come round more. He's not going to be a help to you.
You can still claim CSA without him being on the certificate. He'd have to prove that he wasn't related by taking a DNA test. I'm pretty sure that's the case. Perhaps you could enlighten him of that
He can know who his father is without some useless idiot being begged to be on there.
She can’t make him.
Don't put him in the birth certificate.
Ensure your son has your surname.
Put in a CMS claim
Unless the rules have changed (which is possible as I haven't registered a birth for nearly 14 years) then you can't put him on it if he's not there anyway.
But definitely go to the CMS for maintenance.
@blueberrypie0112 he needs to be present at registering. She can't just add him.
Regardless, if he is or not the CMS will start a claim, if he denies paternity, a DNA test is arranged and when it's proven he is then calculations are made and backdated. Oh and he also has to then pay for the test.
Putting him on the BC gives him rights so think carefully about the future. Just because he isn't on the BC doesn't change your child's heritage. You know who the father is, I have just done a simple memory box.... Which includes the 2 DNA tests we had done and the letter when he denied paternity..... Also includes pics of us together in happier times. And all the info she would need for a family tree. Full name, DOB etc.
As you're not married he can't go on unless he turns up. I wouldn't worry about that though, if he goes on he'll get equal parental responsibility so even though he may contribute nothing to your DS life he could still have control over you and him. I'd just have open and honest conversations with your DS as he grows older so that he understands his heritage etc.
If you're not married you can only put him on the birth certificate if he goes with you. So there is nothing you can do about that. But it doesn't make any difference to claiming from the CSA or not.
If you’re not married I don’t think you can put him on the birth certificate if he is not present.
I’d not put him on the birth certificate, I’d give my child my surname.
Apply to CMS for child maintenance. He doesn’t get to abdicate his financial responsibilities towards his baby by just refusing to be on the birth certificate.
Interesting, but in the US, we can put anyone on birth certificate, and if they deny it, they have to prove it.
If he doesn't go to the appointment then you wouldn't be able to put him on it anyway if you're not married. You can still pursue him for child maintenance though
It’s his choice, you can’t do it without him there.
Go through the CMS tomorrow, they won’t backdate it so start a claim straight away.
Give the baby your surname. I’m assuming you have as anything else would be madness.
He sounds useless so I wouldn’t encourage contact tbh. Your baby doesn’t have a clue who he is. Lean on other people when you need a break.
Do you even want his mother and child in your house? You don’t have to.
Don't do it.
If he's on the birth certificate he can claim his "rights" at any point. He can throw all manner of spanners in the works if he feels you deserve to be inconvenienced, or wants to be an arsehole.
Leave him off, give your son your name, and let the dad go of he wants to. You're better off without him!
If your son wants to know his heritage, give him his father's name. Don't give someone who totally doesn't deserve it, any hold over you or your child.
This rarely seems to be mentioned but it's not actually up to you or him to decide not to put him on. Either he's put on, you lie and say you don't know who the father is (which is a criminal offence to lie on official documentation, but many women still do) or you tell them he is refusing to be put on the birth certificate and take their advice. He's the father and should be on the birth certificate. It's not about you or him or how you feel about him or how he feels about you or how either of you feel about parenting. It's about a child who deserves to know where they came from, who deserves to not be embarrassed every time they provide their birth certificate to an employer who sees "UNKNOWN" under the "father" box.
Why would you want someone like him having parental responsibility? Not a chance.
Excellent news. You have saved yourself and your son years of angst by not having the deadbeat on the birth certificate. Well done.
No he definitely won’t be having his surname!! Although that was the original plan to have then both, but there is no way that is happening now.
This is a good thing OP. He has already shown himself to be a useless prick. Don't give him any rights.
You can’t force him to be on it although I agree he’s being very selfish and unfair to your DS and not helping you financially
Remind him it takes 2 to make a baby and he has to take responsibility
Give DS your surname and don’t make any effort to arrange visitation anymore, leave it to him
Also get the CSA on to him, if he wants to play that old game then let the consequences commence, it’s the least your baby deserves from him
Please login first.