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To think this is upsetting

(174 Posts)
Gutted2day Tue 29-Sep-20 16:43:58

Milestone birthday, DH got me a coat (that didn't fit) and a mug. Slow cooker meal for dinner, no surprises planned (100%) card from the local shop. AIBU to feel very sad and let down

OP’s posts: |
WellyBootsAreYouFrom Tue 29-Sep-20 16:46:13

Did you discuss your birthday and your expectations in advance?

pooopypants Tue 29-Sep-20 16:46:38

Does he usually pull out all the stops?

I don't usually bother with my birthday much any more - my young DC tend to get more excited about than I do. I wouldn't feel very sad about it but your feelings are your feelings

Gutted2day Tue 29-Sep-20 16:47:55

There was something planned but cancelled due to covid/rule of 6. Did v. small family gathering at the weekend

OP’s posts: |
BiggapTwins Tue 29-Sep-20 16:49:16

flowers Happy Birthday OP!!! Treat yourself and be sure to tell DH that you expected more/better. I truly hope that there's a wonderful surprise planned for the weekend!cakewinehalo

RobertaTheGreat Tue 29-Sep-20 16:49:28

Happy birthday OP! After many similar disappointments, I've learned to spell out to my husband exactly what I expect for my birthdays.

Gutted2day Tue 29-Sep-20 16:50:10

Usually there would be some effort made. Feel like my friends have made more of a fuss tbh. I don't think I would be so gutted if it wasn't a bigg-ish one

OP’s posts: |
Lolaloveslemonade Tue 29-Sep-20 16:50:32

It’s disappointing that your plans have been cancelled. Good you did something at the weekend. Couldn’t you have booked a meal out this evening?

SideAfries Tue 29-Sep-20 16:51:21

This is why I always make a (sometimes small) fuss on my families birthdays. Because even if people claim they aren’t bothered it is always lovely to feel loved & appreciated on your birthday.

Doesn’t have to be much ‘your not cooking on your birthday, what take away/meal out would you like?.’ A cake... a thoughtful card. Really goes a long way!

Unfortunately some people men Need it spelling out. It’s my birthday in a few days & I have said categorically I am not cooking, & I want a cake! Maybe it seems childish but it’s better than spending the whole day feeling let down.

YANBU OP! Sorry it was shit x

Marisishidinginmyattic Tue 29-Sep-20 16:51:29

Yanbu. It’s all a bit impersonal isn’t it.

Lolaloveslemonade Tue 29-Sep-20 16:51:55

I never leave it to others to plan my birthday! I arrange something and invite people to come.

Gutted2day Tue 29-Sep-20 16:55:12

Thanks so much all - it just really hurt that not even a special meal today (a takeway even!) has been arranged. It doesn't help that all friends/fam keep saying. What's DH planned/hope you're being spoiled messages keep popping up. I can't bring myself to say anything as I feel like I would sound like a brat

OP’s posts: |
FourPlasticRings Tue 29-Sep-20 16:56:33

I'd be disappointed. But then, I spell out what I want on my birthday (it's the same every year- house gets cleaned the night before (not by me) and I get a lie-in, breakfast in bed and get to choose what we do that day (on the next Saturday if not possible on the actual date)). And we go out to eat somewhere of my choosing (or order in). I highly recommend picking a standard order that can be revisited yearly for future birthdays.

Gutted2day Tue 29-Sep-20 17:03:33

I think you're right @FourPlasticRings be upfront. Just really thought something would have been organised. Both off today, could have gone for lunch as both dc's at school. Had breakfast (during which work calls were taken) then slowly realised that nowt was happening. Lesson learned for next time, be direct or plan myself

OP’s posts: |
Gutted2day Tue 29-Sep-20 17:07:17

@Marisishidinginmyattic that is exactly how I feel, no real thought. presents. I literally couldn't stop crying in the bathroom after breakfast as I don't want to sound like a sook but I am truly gutted and sad

OP’s posts: |
Essex16 Tue 29-Sep-20 17:29:25

Is it your birthday today? Happy Birthday! If it’s literally right now today, why can’t you still get a takeaway and crack open a bottle of whatever you fancy? It’s only 5.30pm. Yes I understand it’s upsetting more fuss wasn’t made but there’s still a few hours left of the day! Don’t leave it wallowing, get the party (so to speak) started!

Gutted2day Tue 29-Sep-20 17:36:39

@Essex16 yes its today and thank you so much! He went to do the school run and I set up a little table with some champagne (my mum had bought) nibbles and leftover cake from the weekend and put 4 candles in (age spoiler) so that we could all have a small celebration. Just fucking gutting that the response when he got in was 'aw you set up your own cake, I didn't even think of doing that'

OP’s posts: |
Essex16 Tue 29-Sep-20 17:42:42

Aw bless you. He sounds a bit like my hubby actually; means well but absolutely clueless in the art of surprise/little touches. Something that would be so obvious for me to organise for a birthday wouldn’t even enter his head! Enjoy the rest of your day and perhaps have a little think about somewhere special he can take you this weekend to make up for it x

Throckmorton Tue 29-Sep-20 18:03:27

Happy birthday OP!! cakewineflowers

Gutted2day Tue 29-Sep-20 18:04:08

@Essex16 yeah he's totally not an arse just doesn't think sometimes. I am going to say something but not today

OP’s posts: |
KellyMarieTunstall2 Tue 29-Sep-20 18:08:07

Happy birthday OPcakeflowerswine!!
No you are not being unreasonable. That's shitty and thoughtless. My DH is not great at birthdays so after many disappointments I organize my own. I'm never disappointed then. I hope you can salvage things. Treat yourself.

GeorginaTheGiant Tue 29-Sep-20 18:08:15

I’d be disappointed. I would expect my husband to show me how much I mean to him by making some effort for a milestone birthday and I wouldn’t expect to have to tell him what to do. If that makes me childish according to many people on Mumsnet then so be it but I have certain standards for how I expect to be treated in a relationship and a decent effort for a milestone birthday is one of them. I would absolutely do the same for him, and nothing less. So I fully understand your hurt and disappointment OP. If it were me I would be considering whether this is unusual (and if so, why it happened) or if not unusual I would be having a hard think about that and some big discussions with my husband. Let him know how hurt you are.

EdwardsNewJumper Tue 29-Sep-20 18:18:33

Yes, definitely say something, just not today. Or even for a week or more. Had this, after making huge effort for DHs 30th. Few years later, no effort for mine. A shit present and a card he popped out to buy from corner shop the night before. I actually stupidly waited until after the following year when just for a non big birthday effort was really shit. Thing is he REALLY appreciated the effort i made for all his birthdays. The message was truly accepted and almost 20 years later he's the best present buyer. Not just for me bit kids too. He'd just never realised you have to put effort in until is was s.p.e.l.t o.u.t

Turnedouttoes Tue 29-Sep-20 18:22:07

I’d be disappointed as well. I love birthdays and always go all out for other people.

My birthday was right at the start of lockdown and DP had previously organised a meal out (at his favourite restaurant hmm) and a weekend away which were obviously both cancelled. Somehow he thought this meant he was expect from planning an alternative. I got a card and an Easter egg. We did get a takeaway and had champagne but only because I organised it.

A few weeks later I made it very clear I was disappointed. He seemed to get the message because a few months later it was our anniversary and he was away with work so I expected nothing. But he came home with the most perfect beautiful present and a huge bouquet of flowers.

I think sometimes men just need it spelled out to them.

BigPlanes Tue 29-Sep-20 18:24:57

I’m so gutted for you and I’d be saying something to him. Stewing on its will just make it worse. He’s being a knob!

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