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Are these 2 scenarios the same in principle, and who IBU?

(173 Posts)
mrsm43s Mon 28-Sep-20 11:51:16

So disagreement with DH on this.
Two different scenarios, and two different opinions on who is to blame for the issues.

Scenario 1
One person puts washing in basket, without checking pockets etc
Other person puts washing straight from basket into machine and when unloading realises that tissue has been left in pocket, so mushy tissue mess all over washing. Who should have checked? The person putting the dirty washing into the hamper, or the person loading the machine?

Scenario 2
Cooking a roast dinner. One person prepped the vegetables and put them into a stovetop 2 tier steamer, placed the lid on and left them on the (turned off) ring on the electric hob ready to be switched on. Potatoes were left in saucepan of water on another (turned off) ring, and parsnips left in pan of water on another (turned off ring). Other person was doing main bulk of cooking roast, and at the appropriate time simply turned ring on for each pan. There was no water in the bottom pan of the steamer stack, so vegetables ruined, and burnt to bottom of steamer. Should the person switching on the stove have checked that the prepped veg had water in the bottom pan, or is that part of preparing the veg for cooking, and therefore it was reasonable to assume this had been done (as it was for the potatoes and parsnips), so no need to check?

DH and I agree on who is in the wrong in one scenario, but differ in the other (obviously I think he was in the wrong in both cases, but he thinks he was in the wrong in one, but I was in the wrong on the other!)

So who do you think is in the wrong? The non-checker or the half-jobber? And does it vary from scenario to scenario?

OP’s posts: |
Marisishidinginmyattic Mon 28-Sep-20 11:55:35

Both people are in the wrong in both scenarios. If both stopped assuming the other had done something, problems would be avoided. If both did something in the first place, problems would be avoided.

BeyondsConstantBangingHeadache Mon 28-Sep-20 11:57:23

First one, the tissue user who didn't empty their pockets is to blame

Second one isn't as easy - but I'd say I would expect someone who prepped veg ready to be just turned on, to include putting water in the steamer

Lantern156 Mon 28-Sep-20 11:57:39

Does it really matter who is wrong? I think honing in on identifying the exact measure of blame for what are, ultimately, quite inconsequential and understandable human errors is quite unhealthy.

Is this part of a wider issue of one party being repeatedly careless, or is it just these two specific instances?

022828MAN Mon 28-Sep-20 11:58:10

S1 - Neither - the person who put their own clothes in the laundry without emptying the pockets is to blame.

S2 - Both - poor communication and handover of information about what remains to be done re cooking.

TeenPlusTwenties Mon 28-Sep-20 11:58:21

Person putting washing into basket should check the pockets.

Cooking - both responsible / just a mistake.

OttilieKnackered Mon 28-Sep-20 11:58:33

Washing - the owner of the clothes
Dinner - harder, but I would assume if the person had gone to the trouble of prepping the veg then they would put some bloody water in. Why else stack it?

Not equivalent situations as in the first each person needs to sort out their own washing, regardless of who puts it in the machine whereas the second is more of a team effort.

Darkstar4855 Mon 28-Sep-20 11:58:55

Both are equally responsible.

mrsm43s Mon 28-Sep-20 12:00:55


Both people are in the wrong in both scenarios. If both stopped assuming the other had done something, problems would be avoided. If both did something in the first place, problems would be avoided.

Interesting approach.

Does one adult have the responsibility to check that another adult has done their job properly?

Or should an adult take responsibility for doing the job correctly themselves, and check that they have done so?

OP’s posts: |
ellentree Mon 28-Sep-20 12:01:18

First - the person whose clothes they are. I do the washing in our house but, if my husband has put something in the basket, I assume it's ready to go. I check the children's pockets as they are young.

Cooking, the prepper, if they've put water in other pans it's a reasonable assumption there is water in the steamer.

ItchyKondera Mon 28-Sep-20 12:01:28

Scenario 1 - person who put the clothes in the basket should check their own pockets

Scenario 2 - neither wrong, breakdown in communication. However, if water was in 2 pans it would be reasonable to assume pan 3 had water. But I would use hot water from a boiled kettle rather than wait for a whole pan of water to boil so...

Findahouse21 Mon 28-Sep-20 12:02:29

1) the person who owns the clothes as surely they know they used a tissue that day

2) bad communication so both to blame. If I was cooking I would definitely check and ask dh to add water next time if I needed him to.

ginnybag Mon 28-Sep-20 12:02:42

1st person in both scenarios, as they've not completed 'their' step.

In the basket means ready to wash. 'Prepped ready to just turn on' means just that.

ShebaShimmyShake Mon 28-Sep-20 12:02:47

Situation 1, the one who didn't check. Don't put stuff in the laundry basket if it's not ready for washing.

Situation 2, the veg prepper. Putting water in the steamer is part of veg prepping, especially if the whole point was that it was all supposed to be ready to switch on. Presumably you have to take the steamer off the hob to put water in it, so it's not a finished job.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Mon 28-Sep-20 12:02:56

1. Person putting washing in to basket is more wrong.

2. The person who prepped the veg is more wrong.

EhUp Mon 28-Sep-20 12:03:30

I would say that responsibility is shared in both scenarios

PurpleDaisies Mon 28-Sep-20 12:03:43

Tissues is the fault of whoever put them in the washing basket.

Water should have been put in the steamer ready for just turning on.

This could all be solved with proper communication though.

Marisishidinginmyattic Mon 28-Sep-20 12:05:05


Both. Tissue person should have checked their own pockets but put washing in person could have checked as they put them in the wash just in case anyone had been forgetful. Two chances to catch the tissues that way. Two chances to fail. Both responsible.

Same applies to the veggies. First person could have put water in. Second person should check just in case first forgot. Two chances. Both people.

People forget things sometimes so having a second chance to catch the forgotten thing seems logical to me. If the first person forgets, the second catches it. If both forget, oops!

Life sounds a bit serious in your house tbh.

Whatthebloodyell Mon 28-Sep-20 12:07:11

Not helpful to blame a single person.

NekoShiro Mon 28-Sep-20 12:08:50

1- whoever is loading the machine should do a once over check of pickets before putting into machine.

2. Prepping the veg includes adding the water to the steamer so everything can just be turned on when ready.

PurpleDaisies Mon 28-Sep-20 12:10:14

whoever is loading the machine should do a once over check of pockets before putting into machine.

No way. That’s the responsibility of people putting things into the washing basket.

SoyUnaMujer Mon 28-Sep-20 12:10:25

They’re just accidents. I honestly wouldn’t give this as much head space as you are.

mrsm43s Mon 28-Sep-20 12:11:17

So, I was the non-checker, DH the half jobber (if that wasn't obvious!)

I think he's wrong on both.

He totally accepts that he's wrong with the laundry, and generally no longer does this/apologises and deals with the mess when he does.

But the veg situation happened this weekend, and he said "why didn't you check that there was water in it?" My response was "Because you're an adult, and I don't expect to have to run after you double checking that you've done simple tasks properly". He thought this was unfair.

I should point out that it was all fairly lighthearted and we didn't fall out majorly over it. I do think I'm frustrated though, as DH has a bit of a history of being careless/expecting me to pick up the pieces. I think he's an equal adult, and I have no responsibility to run round after him checking he's done stuff properly. He seems to think by default its my responsibility to check he's done stuff properly...

OP’s posts: |
CeibaTree Mon 28-Sep-20 12:13:40

Scenario 1: I think both people should have checked the pockets but with an onus on the person whose clothes they are.

Scenario 2: the person who put the steamer on the stove should have put water in it. If someone prepped veggies for me and went as fas as putting the steamer on the stove I would assume they had put the water in it.

But for both situations you could argue that each of the people had more responsibility - so neither you or your DH are wrong or right. Both as bad as each other I'd say smile

Florencex Mon 28-Sep-20 12:13:44

Haven’t read any other responses.

S1. The person putting their laundry into the hamper should check the pockets first.

S2. Both a little bit. I am more likely to be the cooker than the preparer in that scenario and I think I would have checked. I also think the preparer could have finished the job by putting water in.

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