Husband sending money to parents abroad without telling me?

[NotSoWonderWoman]

We don’t have enough money as it is for ourselves and I’m bloody furious about this.

Can I just preface this by saying when we got into a relationship, I had no idea this was a cultural norm. There was no interweb back then and I can assure you that if I had been able to search up his culture I would have run for the bloody hills as he and his family are stereotypical but I unfortunately didn’t know until I was already pregnant and over 3 years into our relationship.

I am most pissed of that his parents had the opportunity to come and live in the UK permanently earlier into our relationship, and could have gone back home for part of the year if they wished, and would now have got pensions and free medical care, but they refused despite knowing they’d need their DC to send them money for the rest of their lives .

DH hasn’t sent a lot of money back since we had DC. His two older brothers have always been better off than us so have taken on the bulk of it. DH has always felt very guilty about this and this has affected our relationship as I really didn’t sign up for worrying about his parents finances and he caused stress about us buying stuff or going on holiday when he couldn’t send money ‘home’ when we were better off in the past.

In the UK, parents generally help out their DC not the other way round. Mine don’t but still! We are struggling in a rented place and can only visit them if we have a spare £500+ to leave them after travel costs and paying for everything while we’re there. My DC have never received as much as a ‘happy birthday’ from them as they don’t celebrate it despite knowing we do and DC are half English.

I found out he was sending the odd £100 here and there last year and he knew I wasn’t happy as DC need new mattresses, we need a new chest of drawers etc. I’m a SAHM, not out of choice as DD3 has disabilities, so he says it’s his money and he’ll do what he likes.

I get his parents need support but they have two adult children who live with them who both work, and they have a pension, enough for food. The money sent over is now going to be a regular thing for medication both PIL’s are on. They have a massive house built, mortgage free, by his brothers and it’s luxury compared to how we live.

AIBU to be really resentful about this?

[Nottherealslimshady]

I think you should split the income. A joint pot that is for home expenses and child expenses plus savings. Then two separate account so you both have the same spenders. Set a monthly savings amount and work out your expenses for bills and kids and all wages go in one account where those expenses come out of. Then send say £100 a month to your personal accounts. If he wants to send his to his parents that's his choice. But his clothes and lunches ought come from his own pot. And the kids clothes come from the family pot- not yours. And you get an equal amount of money to do with as you please as he does.

[CarHire101]

Where is he from op?

[cocodomingo]

His parents would have sacrificed a lot to get him and his siblings the education and opportunities that tled to them doing well today. Your post is very egocentric..his culture is obviously more family and community focused. You would be wise not to make him resent you for failing to meet the familial responsibilities that he wishes to.

[CitizenFame]

Hmmm, I think YABU. This is the bit that made me decide that you are:

I am most pissed of that his parents had the opportunity to come and live in the UK permanently earlier into our relationship, and could have gone back home for part of the year if they wished

Maybe they didn’t WANT to. If I was asked to uproot my entire life and live in a country just to please my child’s partner I would say no as well. It’s not up to you to decide where someone should or shouldn’t live.

As for the rest of it, I agree with what NotSlimShady said.

[Nomoreilove]

It pretty normal to send money back home. I know everytime my mother would visit her home country she would give money to her mother and sister. But they were poor so slightly different. If it’s his own money that he earns then that’s up to him. But the fact that they have two working adult children living with them and a pension they clearly don’t need the money! Perhaps he could scale back how much he gives them. I find it strange that his parents seem to have enough money but are accepting their sons money.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Your post is very egocentric..his culture is obviously more family and community focused.

Did you miss that her children need new mattresses?

[SBTLove]

I think if they are mortgage free and have two adult kids living with them and probably contributing then it’s a bit much for your DH and his brother to be sending ££ too.
Has anyone down a budget for them & realistically seem what they need? Surely they can’t have huge expenses.

[Potterpotterpotter]

YANBU.
He’s taking the piss when the family needs things, such as mattresses.

[Leobynature]

Difficult one. I understand that there was no web when you got together, however it was very ignorant of you to not find out about someone’s cultural traditions before you got with them and started a family. A conversation with them usually helps.

Your partner will want to send money home and it is his money, however the needs of the children should come first. Perhaps a compromise that he will buy the children what they need and anything left will be sent to his family.

I read your child has disabilities but perhaps you can work around their needs such as her a job during school hours.

[lunar1]

My husbands family made huge sacrifices to help him get through university. I would never have met him without their sacrifices. I couldn't contemplate not supporting them and will continue to send money throughout their lives. They are our family.

[Bikinib0tt0m]

I find it strange that you knew nothing about this culture and how they go about things with their families just because you didn't have Google back then. Do people not talk about these things before having long term relationships and babies?

[SciFiScream]

How old are your children? I've been using the internet since 1996 (dial up back then but still!)

I'm not sure you can blame the lack of internet on that particular lack of knowledge about the family expectations - a conversation while in the early days of the relationship could have helped with that

Splitting the family income into pots as a PP suggested is a good plan. Then your DH can support the family from "his" pot while the immediate family needs are met first.

[Ginflinger]

@lunar1

My husbands family made huge sacrifices to help him get through university. I would never have met him without their sacrifices. I couldn't contemplate not supporting them and will continue to send money throughout their lives. They are our family.

I am Zimbabwean. I regularly send money home to help my family, and others who need help. Have done so even when we have been in tricky circumstances. I am so grateful my DH feels as you do, Lunar1, and not as the OP does.

[Sacados]

"he says it’s his money and he’ll do what he likes."

Big, giant red flag for the relationship. I couldn't live with a man who had that attitude. You have to stay home to look after a disabled child (plus two others) and the father says you get no say in financial decisions because he earns the money so it's "his"?

[Bringonspring]

I think you should seek to understand his culture more.? I don’t understand why you can’t get w job, surely you can work when your husband is not?

[ManxRhyme]

So he is sending his parents money for medication, and you begrudge that? You need to take a hard look at yourself.0

It is normal to look after your young and elderly. Medicines trump mattresses and furniture.

[Sacados]

I can't believe some of the replies on here. Of course it's not acceptable for the OP's husband to behave like this!

I should say, my DH is also from a culture where you send money back to the family "back home" and he is the sole earner while I am a SAHM. He would never, ever, in a million years have the "it's my money so I'll do what I want with it" attitude which the OP describes.

We send money to his family... BECAUSE WE CAN AFFORD IT. We would not dream of impoverishing our children or depriving them of a decent lifestyle. Children are family too! When we had less money we sent little or nothing. Now we have plenty, we send more.

We send money when we both agree on it and agree on the amount. And I've always been happy to agree, because my DH is generous but reasonable. Sometimes I suggest it myself when I realise a bit of time has gone by since we last sent some.

But I could never live with a man like the OP's husband.

[hitchhikingghost]

Get a job yourself, then you can buy new mattresses for your children? And there was internet in 1996.

[SBTLove]

@Bringonspring @ManxRhyme
Did you miss the bit where the parents are mortgage free and have 2 adult DC living at home and contributing plus another DS too.
OP is SAHM with 3 kids including one with a disability, it should be family money not just DHs.

[SBTLove]

@hitchhikingghost
No need for that, did you bother rtft?
Would you say that to other SAHM whose DH told her ‘his money’ was none of her business??

[Dullardmullard]

@Sacados

I can't believe some of the replies on here. Of course it's not acceptable for the OP's husband to behave like this!

I should say, my DH is also from a culture where you send money back to the family "back home" and he is the sole earner while I am a SAHM. He would never, ever, in a million years have the "it's my money so I'll do what I want with it" attitude which the OP describes.

We send money to his family... BECAUSE WE CAN AFFORD IT. We would not dream of impoverishing our children or depriving them of a decent lifestyle. Children are family too! When we had less money we sent little or nothing. Now we have plenty, we send more.

We send money when we both agree on it and agree on the amount. And I've always been happy to agree, because my DH is generous but reasonable. Sometimes I suggest it myself when I realise a bit of time has gone by since we last sent some.

But I could never live with a man like the OP's husband.

This totally.

[Chloemol]

@cocodomingo

So basically you are saying that the op shouldn’t worry about not having enough money for her own family here, renting a place, not owning it, having a tough life, as long as her dos cultural obligations are met?

Nuts, his priority should be his family here, whatever his culture, and he should only be sending money to his parents, who appear to lead a better lifestyle than him, if they can afford it

They can’t

[ManxRhyme]

@SBTLove I did. And I am also aware that in countries with no universal healthcare the cost of medicines and treatment is prohibitive to the individual. Even with several children contributing.

It sounds like the OP begrudge ANY financial help given to her husband's parents. Even when they were financially better off than now.

[SandyY2K]

Can you get DLA or something carers allowance for your DC?

Those suggesting his earnings are split...yeah...that's not going to happen.

The OP doesn't work, so I imagine most of the money goes on food/rent/bills etc

He should certainly ensure the DC have decent mattresses, but sending money back to parents is very common in African, Asian and Caribbean culture.

Have you thought that his brothers have the brunt of doing things for his parents as they live together and he's trying to do what little he can to help out.

You don't sound culturally aware at all. You don't need Google to educate yourself.

I also think you've got a cheek being annoyed they decided not to live over here... who do you think you are to have a say on where they live.

[ManxRhyme]

Oh and massive house in an underdeveloped country where land and labour is cheap does not translate to being loaded.