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Is this punishment appropriate- SO CROSS

(151 Posts)
binkyblinky Sat 26-Sep-20 08:42:07

Please help me with an appropriate punishment for my son. I am so, so cross with him.

Yesterday he urinated off the top of his
high bed onto his brothers’ toys and magazines below.

Back story...

My elder two boys share a room. B is 9 and has ADHD. C is 10 and is Autistic. They used to have their own rooms but we had to move them in together as husband needed a home office. We are moving to a new house in about 4 weeks and they will have their own rooms again.

Generally they get on well despite their differences and disabilities. B has medication for his ADHD that wears off early evening. I do have top ups for him but I don’t like to give them every day as they give him a tic. When off his medication, he is obstinate, wild, and completely out of control. When on his medication he is able to concentrate and is an absolute darling.

Last night whilst putting the toddler to bed, I heard a commotion. In their room, a disagreement. My husband ran upstairs and started shouting at B. I went to see what had happened and there was liquid on the carpet. B was saying that it was spit. I put my fingers in it and smelt it, and it was clearly wee. I asked him to tell me the truth and he admitted it was wee.

Infact, he was still up on his bed and had no pants on.

Apparently, C had knocked B’s head on the side of his bed. B not happy about this. (They have been told many a time if there is an argument they MUST come to
tell us.) C insists it was an accident, I am inclined to believe him, his autism means he finds the whole concept of lying Completely alien. instead of calling for mum of dad, B climbed up into his bed and urinated onto the floor. The wee went over a graphic novel and some of C’s dinosaur toys.

I’m absolutely livid and so upset with B. His defence is that C knocked his head. I said he should have come to me if he had been hurt, and weeing on your brother’s toys is disgusting.

I did however manage to remain calm, and sent him to bed.

He needs to be punished. I didn’t smack him but have in the past. I haven’t smacked for years and years and I don’t believe this is something you should do to children. (Please don’t lecture me on this)

I have taken his iPad and PlayStation away, and he will be going to bed at 7pm the same as his 2 year old brother for the next week. He will not be allowed any treats and is helping me with ALL the housework.

Is this enough? I’m so so cross at him, but I also feel bad that perhaps he wouldn’t have done it if I’d have given him his medication. This is still not an excuse for the disgusting thing he did.

I would love your opinions. Please be gentle with me!

OP’s posts: |
UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername Sat 26-Sep-20 08:45:24

I think you need to medicate him while they're sharing a room.

Angel2702 Sat 26-Sep-20 08:45:38

With ADHD prolonged punishments are not as effective as a there and then sanction. I would have removed electronics for today and got him to help with the clean up. If he has any pocket money I would have made him pay for the replacement of the graphic novel.

Idontgiveagriffindamn Sat 26-Sep-20 08:46:33

Unless he’s already being punished for something else and your having to add to the punishment I think that’s too much.
It’s like you thought of all the ways you can punish him and said that’s what you’re going to do. Pick the one thing you think will be the most effective and go with that.
That’s what I would do with my son but he doesn’t have ADHD so I can’t comment on that part

TeenPlusTwenties Sat 26-Sep-20 08:46:58

I think it is far too much.

It is 4 separate punishments for something which you admit is partially at least down to his ADHD and the fact you don't like to top up his meds.

Surely eg
- washing the toys
- paying to replace the book
and maybe one other would be better?

cansu Sat 26-Sep-20 08:48:26

I think an early bedtime that night followed by losing his computer games and tech for a couple of nights. Cleaning up the mess should have been part of it and replacing anything that can't be washed from his own money.

I don't think you should go overboard in dragging this out over the whole week. I also think you should consider the top up of medication if you think this behaviour is linked to the ADHD at least while the boys are sharing and don't have their own space.

ThePlantsitter Sat 26-Sep-20 08:49:10

First off, I can imagine life is very hard for you just now and that was probably the last straw.

If you medicate your son because he has ADHD you obviously feel his bad behaviour without the medication is something that afflicts him rather than is his fault.

I think I would talk to him when he has had his meds, ask him what was happening in his mind when he did it, and decide together what the punishment should be. It is VERY bad behaviour and can't be ignored but that way it is less like punishing him for having a medical problem that he can't help.

NailsNeedDoing Sat 26-Sep-20 08:49:46

I think a week of no PlayStation and iPad is the right thing to do, it sounds like you’re handling it well. The bedtime thing might work for you or it might just cause a lot of drama in the house for everyone every night, so only you know whether this will work or not. I’d also go for some natural consequences, so it’s his job to disinfect the toys and pay to replace the book, and to scrub the carpet.

I completely understand your point that it might not have happened if your son had had his medication, but he still made a choice to wee on things deliberately and that is not ok. Your younger son deserves to see that you will stick up for him and that he shouldn’t expect to be treated so disgustingly, even if his brother does have adhd.

binkyblinky Sat 26-Sep-20 08:49:56

Also I need to add that the medication also affects his appetite. I often don't top him Up because he needs to eat too.
It's so, so difficult. I'm so disappointed in him also x

OP’s posts: |
Nacreous Sat 26-Sep-20 08:50:33

So you're choosing not to give him as much medication as he needs, and change where he sleeps and the fact he has his own space and then give severe punishments for a lack of impulse control?

I can see he needs to help sort it out any you need to be very disappointed and probably ask him to pay for the novel but it seems a bit rum to do punishments for a week to me.

Rosebel Sat 26-Sep-20 08:50:56

I'm sorry but that sounds like a lot of punishment. Is his brother being punished for banging his head?
It might have been an accident and I know my autistic daughter can't lie but I'm wondering how he did it accidentally.
The weeing is vile but I think just removing his electronics and getting him to change the sheets would be enough. Dragging the punishment on is likely to be exhausting and he'll probably be resentful if his brother can hurt him without punishment.
Obviously you know your son best but it seems a bit OTT to me.

VashtaNerada Sat 26-Sep-20 08:51:06

I think consequences should be immediate. A shocked (quiet!) tone of voice and insisting they clear the mess up themselves would probably do it for me. It sounds like there’s a lot going on at the moment though. I’d think about particular flashpoints in the day to try to avoid things spinning out of control in the first place.

forrestgreen Sat 26-Sep-20 08:51:46

He'd be cleaning the toys and the floor here, punishments for the crime.
But they wouldn't be alone together in their room either until you move. They've both proven they can't be trusted.

OhTheRoses Sat 26-Sep-20 08:54:15

He overreacted as have you. I'm sorry op but I can't help laughing, it's like something from Outnumbered. I think you need to tone down the punishment- otherwise a week of whìngejng will do your head in.

Having said all that it must be really tough having two boys with a neuro developmental disability at the best of times and it must be a whole lot worse during covid.

I hope your move goes well.

vanillandhoney Sat 26-Sep-20 08:56:01

I don't think you're being fair to your son at all.

You're not giving him the medication he needs and he's in the position of having to share a room with his disabled brother which you also admit causes problems.

IMO it's not fair to punish him beyond cleaning up the mess he made, as most of the situation he's in is totally out of his control.

MagnoliaXYZ Sat 26-Sep-20 08:56:09

He definitely needs punishing for his behaviour and cleaning up his mess and replacing what can't be cleaned shoukd be part of that.

I think, whilst the boys share a room, it is not fair on his brother to not top up his meds. Either top them up or he can share your bedroom.

binkyblinky Sat 26-Sep-20 08:57:21

Thankyou everyone. I was expecting lots of people to say that I wasn't punishing enough!

Ok, so I have reconsidered. He will still lose his iPad and PlayStation for a week. And he will have two Early nights this weekend. But next week he will be able to come downstairs once the baby has gone to bed (family time).

Also, we are buying a camera to put in their room today so we can keep an eye on them.

Thankyou so much for your messages of support x

OP’s posts: |
binkyblinky Sat 26-Sep-20 08:58:12

@OhTheRoses yes - we are outnumbered!

OP’s posts: |
Badnessinthefolds Sat 26-Sep-20 08:59:01

I also think it's far too much. What he did was wrong but he was provoked and off his needs, dealing with a change (shared room) and preparing for another (host move). I would assume ADHD means he struggles with impulse control so the thought came into his head and he acted on it without thinking. Obviously it's wrong but it's a feature of his condition that he doesn't have the same restraint as other children his age.

What do you actually want to achieve with the punishment? Do you think this will stop similar happening again? I think the harshness will just make him resentful.

Agree with PP, natural consequences by cleaning up and replacing the graphic novel.

Consider the extra meds for a short time to prevent more issues happening again.What tactics do you have in place to help him manage his anger when meds are wearing off?

Tell his brother to be more careful about the head knocking as well.

MintyCedric Sat 26-Sep-20 08:59:07


With ADHD prolonged punishments are not as effective as a there and then sanction. I would have removed electronics for today and got him to help with the clean up. If he has any pocket money I would have made him pay for the replacement of the graphic novel.

This sounds a bit more realistic to me.

And I agree with PP that you need to reconsider medicating him of an evening at least in the short term until they are back in their own rooms.

mediumperiperi Sat 26-Sep-20 09:00:41

He'd be paying for a replacement graphic novel out of his money and helping the cleaning process here. The iPad/PlayStation removal is also appropriate imo

However I also feel sorry for him if he's under medicated as that suggests it's not his fault. (I'm assuming that the head bang was accidental)

Badnessinthefolds Sat 26-Sep-20 09:01:28

Sorry xposts with a lot of people!

Good luck with the move and agree with PP who said you have a lot on your plate too so look after yourself!

binkyblinky Sat 26-Sep-20 09:04:44

We are due a CAMHS appointment next week. I will discuss it with his doctor. They said only top up if his behaviour gets really bad, because of the tics they think the top ups just push him slightly over his limit.

OP’s posts: |
Jellycatspyjamas Sat 26-Sep-20 09:05:27

I’m not understanding the early nights as punishment - are you thinking there’s a connection between his behaviour and lack of sleep? I know with my two there’s no point in sending them to bed early as a punishment because they won’t sleep until they feel sleepy and me being cross with them won’t change that. So I’d have however long of carrying on, being up and down to the toilet etc, which then spills over to their usual bedtime routine.

While staying up late is a treat, going to bed early as a punishment is useless in our house.

FredaFrogspawn Sat 26-Sep-20 09:10:17

It must be tough at times - it’s hard enough having two dc that close in age but the bedroom change and their SEN must tip the balance a bit. I don’t think prolonged punishments are a great idea. Talk to him and listen to what led to him doing such an extreme thing. Make sure he knows it doesn’t alter your love for him.

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