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To not allow my 17 year old daughter to go on holiday with her boyfriend and their parents?

(505 Posts)
cinderelly Mon 21-Sep-20 22:55:14

Hi my 17 year old daughter met her first boyfriend on twitter in June 🙈 Once lockdown was restricted they met up and have been quite intense ever since. Constant weekly dramas. We have asked to meet him but she kept making excuses. We didn't mind and just put it down to nerves. She started spending more time with him and she met his parents on 10th September. Since then - 11 days ago - they have been for 2 meals and the parents have joined too. I thought this was really sweet and asked when we could all meet. The red flags started after their 2nd meal - 5 days after meeting them for the first time - they asked her to go on holiday to gran canaria in December (her 18th). I was so shocked. We have never met them, I dont even know their full names and apart from being angry that they didnt broach the subject with her parents first, my initial reaction was "that is weird". Obviously she was flattered and was annoyed at my reaction. The next day I explained how I felt and thought she understood. I explained that i think it was too soon but would like to meet them. She was very defensive and eventually admitted that she was worried that we wouldn't get along. I tried to put her mind at rest and eventually backed off. I'm in no hurry and felt the holiday suggestion might have just been an off the cuff comment and assumed it would blow over. On Friday night the parents joined them again on a night out (the lad can't seem to go anywhere without them!) This time was to a bar in the city centre. My daughter text me at 11pm asking if she could stay over in their house. Again, bad cop here I said no. They dropped her off in a taxi about half an hour later and I used the chance to say hello and introduce myself. I was met by a very drunk and hostile mother. My daughter was drunker than id expected and the only thing the mother said to me was "shes had a drink ok!" My defenses went up immediately, so I just said "Really!" walked away and shut the door. I immediately realised why she was keen for us not to meet. Since then (Friday) they have booked a villa - apparently assumed she was going - still not attempted to get in touch with us - despite us knocking at their house on Sunday evening after (reluctantly) letting my daughter visit Sunday afternoon. She came home from college tonight absolutely sobbing her heart out because her boyfriend has 'flipped' saying we are too controlling and she should just go because she is 18.
I am absolutely flabbergasted. My blood is boiling and I find this whole scenario totally unreasonable of the parents. They have made no attempt to meet us and just seem to be poking for a reaction. Is it just me? I really feel like she needs protecting and I'm really sceptical about the parents intentions. Please help!?!?

OP’s posts: |
Shizzlestix Mon 21-Sep-20 23:00:10

There’s absolutely no way she’d be going with them were it my dd. 18, whilst legal, is still very young for some people. I don’t like the sound of her bf’s parents at all.

QueenArseClangers Mon 21-Sep-20 23:03:21

They might be clingy weirdos but your daughter is 17 (or 18? You stated?).
You’re not really coming out as the reasonable one in this situation, she’s an adult.

User27aw Mon 21-Sep-20 23:03:42

They sound weird, not way would I let her go. Is she still 17?

aprilanne Mon 21-Sep-20 23:03:43

Well if she is 18 then no I wouldnt necsacceraly need to meet them I would defenaitely phone but what would bother me is she hasn't known him long and if he flipped and told her to defy you I wouldnt be happy at that bit

HermioneKipper Mon 21-Sep-20 23:05:15

I don’t think I’d be happy with this either. The parents don’t sound great do they. Although I guess when she’s 18 she can decide for herself ☹️☹️ argh so many worries when you have children

katy1213 Mon 21-Sep-20 23:05:41

They sound like riffraff and clearly she realises this as she didn't want to introduce them; however, she's 18 and you can't stop her. If you're lucky, flights will be cancelled by December!

QueenArseClangers Mon 21-Sep-20 23:06:10

Also, the more you say no (however concerned you may be) the more it’ll push her towards him. Situations like this often end up with the teenager stropping off to stay with the boyfriend’s and his family.
It must be difficult for you.

hammeringinmyhead Mon 21-Sep-20 23:08:05

Who is funding this holiday? Her flight and food?

cinderelly Mon 21-Sep-20 23:08:48

So glad its not just me. I realise she is nearly an adult and is capable of making her own decisions. But they do sound weird.

OP’s posts: |
hammeringinmyhead Mon 21-Sep-20 23:10:23

I would wager they were hostile because boyfriend is telling them you are awful and controlling. And that your daughter was afraid you'd judge them.

WetdreamBeliever Mon 21-Sep-20 23:10:37

I see your point, but I also don't believe that you've handled this well.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 Mon 21-Sep-20 23:11:18

I’d say no to this. But, be very careful that you don’t push her their way. You’ll have to give in with some things.

cinderelly Mon 21-Sep-20 23:11:47

I agree she is nearly an adult - but the parents aren't acting very adult. Why on earth would they invite a girl they have met 3 times to go half way across the world in the middle of a pandemic, miss more college, and not attempt to speak to the parents. Red flags

OP’s posts: |
Iminaglasscaseofemotion Mon 21-Sep-20 23:12:11

Thats really weird that his parents are tagging along everywhere with them. Doesn't sound good, they are getting their claws well and truly dug into your dd.
I suppose you can't really stop her, but I would be refusing to pay for any of it.

DimidDavilby Mon 21-Sep-20 23:12:27

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GunsAndShips Mon 21-Sep-20 23:13:07

When I was 18 and DH was 17, we buggered off on holiday together. We had a great time in Paris.

The holiday is not the issue though.

RealityExistsInTheHumanMind Mon 21-Sep-20 23:13:10

She's 18, you are driving her away.

She didn't want you to meet because, in reality, she's uncomfortable with their behaviour, so she knows you would be.

She is 'in love' currently. She is unlikely to come to any harm if she goes.

I would tell her you would rather she didn't go but that you trust her to make the right decision AND THEN BACK OFF.

This relationship will run its course if you make it clear that you aren't happy but that you trust her, because you know she has common sense. Make it clear that she can come to you at any time and that you aren't judging. That you feel uncomfortable but you appreciate she knows them better but that if she changes her mind that is fine too.

Don't carry on as you are if you want any chance of having any influence.

cinderelly Mon 21-Sep-20 23:13:12

yes, she's 18 in December. Very mature but this is her 1st boyfriend and its been a rollercoaster of snot and tears since they met.

OP’s posts: |
cinderelly Mon 21-Sep-20 23:13:59

She asked for a lift home - and we aren't the ones crashing their dates.

OP’s posts: |
GeorgiaGirl52 Mon 21-Sep-20 23:15:24

Talk to her. Ask her why they are always out with their son. Ask her what she thinks of them - are they polite, civilized, protective, trustworthy? If she pulls the "I am an adult at 18 and I am going" then say "Ok, how are you paying for it? You will need expense money of your own and as an adult you can't expect me to pay for something I am opposed to."

jessstan2 Mon 21-Sep-20 23:15:39

When she is 18 she can go where she likes. At the moment she can go and stay at her boyfriend's house quite legally.

I understand how you feel, I'm sure I wouldn't like it. However your opposition is only going to fuel her determination. Why not just play it cool. A lot can happen in the next three months.

hammeringinmyhead Mon 21-Sep-20 23:16:46

I agree that expressing disapproval and then backing off is the way to go. Maybe point out that if he snaps at her like he did today, she'll be stuck with him and 2 adults who will take his side, 2000 miles away.

IdblowJonSnow Mon 21-Sep-20 23:18:41

They sound awful. Yanbu. BUT she is very close to being 18, not sure what you could do. If you actually prevent her from going it could push her away.
What are all the dramas that have happened up to now?
Do you trust that if things go pear on holiday she'd know what to do?

OoohTheStatsDontLie Mon 21-Sep-20 23:19:25

I think unless she is asking you for money or planning to miss college that you pay for etc then you cant really demand that she doesn't go or demand to meet them.

At 17 I would have been mortified if my parents had expected to meet my boyfriends parents. They did actually end up meeting as we got together before either of us drove so got to know each other by knocking on the door and having a quick chat but as soon as i started driving at 17.5 I wouldn't have expected them to meet unless it was clearly turning out to be a long distance relationship.

Yes the parents dont sound great. The more you make clear that's your view, the more that they will hang out with them because they will feel awkward at yours. Lots (most?) 17 going on 18 year olds get drunk. Is going on holiday with his parents any worse than a pissed up gang going to magaluf?
If she wants to go then let her, since it's going to be cancelled anyway in all likelihood. but talk to her about how she is going to manage if she has to isolate afterwards, how she is going to pay for it, that she may need specialist insurance if it's an area that the fco advise against and if something happened eg fell off a scooter or had a drunken accident she may not be able to come home if she isnt insured. Also she needs a back up plan eg alternative arrangements if they fall out and she needs some space while she is there.

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