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to tackle dil every time she rubbishes my kids(45 Posts)
I hate confrontation. One of my DIL makes a point of making overt criticisms of all her husband's siblings. My DH says she is insecure and we should just ignore. However, it is driving me nuts. She will make claims, eg, my DD landed her with her kids on the pretext of being only an hour and then lied about a traffic jam to excuse being late (untrue) another DD cheated them out of 2 months rent ( proved untrue), There are many examples and I am becoming increasingly angry. On the other hand my DS is happily married to her and I do not want to cause dischord for his sake. So one solution is not passing on her remarks - but then I feel that I am colluding in her deception. In the most recent instance I did pass on one of the allegations and my DD went nuts and called her brother - who had no idea what she was talking about because his wife had simply invented it. Things are very complex - I genuinely like my DIL and if her lies stayed exclusively with me they would cause no damage. But we are at the stage where some of my kids are blanking others and I am not sure how much of this is due to DIL. WWYD
If my mum didn't stand up for me when someone was talking nonsense about me then who would?
Your loyalty is with your children. You must say something.
Who does she make claims to? Does she say these things to you personally? If so I would be saying ‘oh dear, that doesn’t sound good I’ll talk to them about that...’ Then you are not going behind her back and have got a legit reason to come back to her and say ‘dd says she does not owe you money/did not leave her kids etc. Why would you say that?’
Alternatively you have to say ‘sorry Dil, I don’t want to get involved, you’ll have to take it up with them...or ask ds to talk to his siblings about that...’
Thanks @ confused. This is what I feel too. The problem is that sometimes what she is making out to be true could make sense as a misunderstanding. EG with the rent business my DD had been really badly betrayed by her DP and so it was possible that for a few weeks she had been so out of it that she may have genuinely not realised that some rent was due as she was staying with her brother (who had actually told me he would not charge her) In fact it was only after DIL had made these complaints that I thought to check - and DD had literally paid from day 1, She was fuming and contacted her DB who had no idea what she was talking about an who confirmed she had paid in full for every day!
''@ weary - yep she told me directly and your advice is spot on. I was so disconcerted as although it did not sound like DD I could see how it was possible given her circumstances. She did not seem to want me to intercede to get the money - not sure what she wanted to get out of the conversation. I can honestly say that I have never said anything that would make her feel defensive .
The emotionally intelligent thing (I guess) would encourage them to sort out their problems themselves but I wouldn’t be able to hold back from getting involved!! I would want all claims by her to be out in the open (not just bitched into my ear) and ideally have Ds involved. If she’s lying to stir trouble among the siblings then I would want that exposed and nipped in the bud. In the nicest, wisest, older woman kind of way of course... no raised voices ‘just getting to the bottom of things..’
I definitely wouldn’t pass it on. She’s no business trying to rope you in as go-between. I think a firm “I don’t want to hear this” every time is the way to go.
Are you sure your son had nothing to do with it? It could be that he is moaning about his siblings to his wife, which is where the rent misunderstanding has come from.
If not it seems weird that your DIL would make up false claims about your kids then tell them to you. Either way it doesn’t sound very good.
I am grateful for these perspectives. She did not seem to want to have a resolution - just to inform me, And it was not until I spoke to my kids that I realised it was all BS. Going forward I will take the advice and call her out on each occasion - but as gently as possible. Regarding this specific son, I am absolutely sure this hasn't come from him. He has always been honest to the degree that is autism!
I’m sorry I’m going to throw in a curve ball but are you sure the DS that’s married to the liar is happy and not putting on a show?
I’ve had a similar case and my DB was unhappy but didn’t want to lose face. On the other hand, my ex-SIL wanted to isolate him away from his family and she would mess the whole family up. She succeed for some years.
It was the most miserable 10 years of our lives as a family.
I don't think I would get involved. I'd say "that doesn't sound like something they would do, anyway I don't want to get involved".
As it appears you are the only one she is telling these stories to, (as even her own husband didn't know) and you know they aren't true, it isn't harming the victim unless you tell them.
When this happens in a friend situation, "friend x told me that friend y said an awful thing about me", the first question is well why did friend x repeat it? If it is just to stir drama, friend x is just as bad.
Is she bringing up her ‘complaints’ with the person she has the grievance with, or just whingeing to you? Why does she think you’ll be a sympathetic ear?
OP after much consideration I tried the gently, gently approach hoping to keep things on an even keel and not cause a family upheaval but it went from bad to worse. She alienated DS and has since stopped all contact knowing the great relationship we had with DGC's.
I don't even know where they live these days, but she still stalks me when it suits her and I can imagine the BS she has sprouted, but that doesn't bother me, as we've got a clear conscience and can't control if other people believe the BS or not. It hasn't been an easy time but for our own sanity have had to put it in the past.
Sincerely hope your situation ends better, but just wanted to say don't put too much faith in a good outcome, I would call her out any and every time. All the best
I'm going to make a guess (although I may be wrong) that Dil doesn't have a mother figure and is jealous of the relationship you have with your daughters. She wants to be your 'favoured daughter'.
My Mil (who doesn't have any daughters) always said she thinks of me as a daughter. She can get a bit competitive with my mum (whom I'm really close with). However, mil is generally a lovely lady so doesn't say anything negative about my mum but she'll sometimes insinuate that she can do certain things better.
I'd say everytime "oh that's strange, I'll talk to DS (her DH) about it)" and if she doesn't back down, do. She'll stop when her lies get found out everytime.
Yes just make it clear every time that you aren't getting involved.
"oh dear I'm sorry to hear you feel like that, but it's not really my business".
I'd just say "Oh that doesn't sound like Mary, I'll mention it when I see her, see what she has to say" If she is lying she will ask you not to say anything at which point I would say "No I will ask her about, you lied about the rent with x so excuse me if I don't take take you at your word. You'd do the same for your children, I'll do it for mine even though they are adults" She is lying because she is counting on you not saying anything
Treat it as though pathological - make it clear that you don't believe her but gloss over kindly, let the sibs know it seems to be a compulsive thing, and remember that compulsive lying usually happens because of severe childhood adversity attachment issues which are unresolved
My sister in law is very much like your daughter in law, a compulsive liar about anything and everything. Telling lies about everyone and my mother in law (her mother in law too) knows all about it.
MIL has never ever called her out on it as she wants to protect her relationship with her son, but all that’s done is break the family apart.
You need to stand up for your kids and call you DIL out or speak to your son and get him to speak to her.
The example with the traffic jam seems a bit petty to be honest. Everyone exaggerates traffic when running late. In most families it wouldn't be a big deal if someone turns around says "traffic, right?" in a knowing way. Or some variation of that.
I woundn't worry about defending the honour of my daughter in situations like this.
There's a lot of free floating irritation these days, must be especially true if there was a recent split between DD and her husband, and she had to move in with SiL. Sometimes it's easy to let too great a percentage of those ill feelings settle on the non-blood relative in your family.
You can stand up for your kids without telling them what's been said. That's just making a bad situation worse in my book.
I would definitely call her out on it. If you said that you were really concerned to hear what she was saying and you offered to ring your daughter straight away in front of your DIL she would have to admit it wasn‘t true. I guess she would backtrack and tell you not to in which case I would ask her why she was telling me if she didn‘t want it sorted.
I suppose how you approach will be down to her motivation - malice could be met with "well, I'm going to check that, as there have been so many misunderstandings", an urge to self dramatise might be more "oh, you". Unless she actually believes what she is saying, which would be a bit worrying
I think it's fair enough to say "All the bad things that you've said about my DC in the past have either turned out to be completely untrue or manipulated to make it seem worse than it is, so I don't believe this either." Then change topic. Try to be really low reaction, she's looking for drama so be bored with her lies.
I would talk to my son and tell him I'm really concerned about the things she is saying and I would check that he's alright. I would also defend my DC - I wouldn't allow anyone to tell lies about them.
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