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AIBU to feel this is unfair(116 Posts)
Quick back story. Me, DH, 2DC 2 and 5 year old. I'm in my 3rd year of a degree, DH works full time and I also work part time to cover nursery fees.
I'm in uni to try and better our lives and follow my dream career but get zero help from dh. All the housework and 'paperwork' for the family is sorted by me. My husband gives me a certain amount per month which doesn't even quite cover the rent let alone the £650 a month childcare fees I'm paying. I sort all the food shopping, birthdays and Christmas, if anything breaks I have to pay to sort it out/replace it. I also pay for all clothing and shoes including school uniform for the eldest .. Every little thing. Hence why I have to work alongside to try and cover some of the costs though I'm still struggling as student finance doesn't go far.
I'm on a medical based degree and so have placement blocks where I work 30 hours a week for free so I can't do much more than the part time hours I already am as I'm also registered disabled and its hard enough just mobilising somedays. I need major surgery (and have had several in the past) but am putting it off until my degree is complete so am in constant pain also.
I spoke to my dh tonight and it turned into an argument as he would rather watch videos on his phone than engage in an important discussion with his wife apparently. I try so hard. My youngest was a few months old when I started this degree and I've missed that time with him, I'm constantly worried about finances whilst he brags about his savings adding up. I don't even get a thank you for all the things I do. There is never a discussion he just expects me to pay for everything. I can't just say no when it comes to food for the kids, their needed clothes for school etc, when the fridge/freezer and washing machine broke these aren't something I can just leave and he never offers to pay part of anything though has about £750 per month to himself after all outgoings including petrol for the month whilst I get deeper in debt when these extra expenses crop up. When I'm trying to do work for uni in lockdown and needed his help with the kids to let me just finish the work he would say how I'm a bad mum and won't play with my kids.. I'm trying to build a better future for us and I feel so alone and at breaking point whilst he seems to have no worries in the world. If I'm struggling and can't go to work due to pain or stress whilst on placement he calls me a jobsworth and lazy. Then says he's joking when he sees it upsets me. I suggested tonight we switch everything to his name and I pay what he does per month and he sort everything for a few months to see why I'm so (as he says) boring and miserable. He said no as he wouldn't be able to afford it and would struggle but when I pointed out that's exactly how I am he just told me to stop moaning and shut up. His thought process seems to be that I wanted to do the degree so I should pay all childcare costs, even though his work is flexible and open 24/7 he refuses to move any shifts whilst I'm on placements so I end up paying ridiculous added childcare in those periods.
Sorry for the rant and lack of paragraphs I guess I just needed to vent and wanted to know if he's right in saying I should be sorting it all because I chose the degree? (though he said he would be supportive and I stated if he wasn't going to be I couldn't do it) or am I justified in feeling completely overwhelmed and undervalued?
I don't want us to break up the family over this and I'm so close to the end of my degree I just don't know how to handle the situation rationally and some outside perspective would really help so he understands how I'm feeling and hopefully appreciates me a bit more as at the moment he just says I'm nagging and blocks what I say out.
He's bringing nothing to your life. And think of the studying you can do when he has the children.
He sounds like he's abusing you, frankly. That's really messed up.
am I justified in feeling completely overwhelmed and undervalued?
Bloody hell OP, you sound like superwoman doing all that - absolutely amazing so hats off to you. Your husband, on the other hand, is a total piece of shit. My jaw actually dropped reading some of the things he's said to you - it is nothing short of abuse and I honestly don't think there's any coming back from the level of utter disrespect he's shown you. I think you need to get out, and I don't say that lightly. What is your support system like?
the danger when a partner makes you pay for everything is that you'll realise you can do it alone. So do that. You may then also qualify for working tax credits etc and be better off- worth looking. Plus when you are on a nice doctor's salary you will get the full reward of that and have a nice savings pot of your own
I decided he was a dickhead when you said that he gives you money that barely covers the rent. The rest of the post just backed up my opinion. Why is rent paid out of your money?
That aside, get rid. He's a dickhead.
YANBU at all. This sounds like financial abuse to me and I'm sorry you're going through it. None of this is acceptable and none of this is you. It very much sounds as if he is doing his hardest to get you to fail the degree. I'm with others: you'd almost certainly be better off financially on your own. I would look into it OP. You don't have to live like this. You deserve to live free from abuse.
What are the benefits of staying with him? Have you checked the online calculator to see what you’d get if you split up?
Where to start?
You are being financially and emotionally abused, he sounds like a total wanker and thoroughly unpleasant person and an unsuitable role model.
And he must have really done a number on you to even question yourself, but that's what dickheads like him do.
Other people will be along with less incredulity and more practical advice.
If for some reason you need to stay with him for a few more months childcare is a shared expense. Fridges are a shared expense. Food is a shared expense.
I earn quite a bit less than my husband but I don't have less money to spend on myself than him.
Sounds awful for you. I think the financial arrangement is completely unacceptable.
At the very least he’s financially abusing you.
This is disgraceful. You cant be with a man like this.
The degree is your choice but being partners and a family was also his choice. Partners.
Where is he a supportive partner to you?He pays some of the rent and bills. That's it.
I know it's not easy to just leave someone but you could start getting a longterm plan together.. Perhaps staying there until you're qualified and then moving to your own place.
This doesn't sound like someone who will change.
Please Dont let your kids grow up thinking that's what a healthy partnership looks like.
Leave him. I don't know what else to say
What a twat. You sound incredible. You'd be better off without him. Financially better off too as you'd get benefits
Great that he’s an H and not just a P, as when you divorce him half of those savings are yours.
He brags about his savings mounting whilst your debt is mounting?!
What an absolute prick. You’d be financially better off without him n your life.
It sounds like abuse. I'm so sorry if it hurts to hear it but he is abusing you. Please get real life help.
Please try to understand your own value. You deserve more than what this man brings to your life. He sounds vile: selfish, mean, and determined to bring you to your knees.
I'm sure he must have some redeeming qualities or you wouldn't be with him. But really, he is not treating you as a committed partner should.
You're married but you have separate finances. Okay. But it doesn't seem to be working out fairly. Isn't marriage meant to be a partnership?
Thank you for your replies. At least these thoughts are shared by others as I am often told I'm being dramatic and stupid when I say it feels like he wants me to fail. I'm not materialistic at all I don't care about who earns what we are married with children it should be family money and worries that's what upsets me and then I don't even get a thank you for anything. Unfortunately It won't be a Dr's salary but a very (well in my eyes as we always struggled in a single parent household growing up) respectable salary that I beevr thought I would be able to achieve especially when I've had even my consultant tell me he's surprised I'm working at all as many wouldn't be in my situation. He's been supportive at times in the degree but it takes a breakdown and tears before he stops winding me up on the very rare occasions I get to try and relax for 10 minutes. I dont know how to properly discuss these issues so he'll actually listen before I throw in the towel altogether.. I just can't understand his thought process everyone sees him as the nicest person and he is to everyone else he'll go out his way to help others and is always happy.. Perhaps because I carry all the stress.. I just think I do everything for our family and get nothing back.. Am I not worth anything? He knew me when I was in a previous abusive relationship (only started dating my now dh over a year after I finally left my ex so he was nothing to do with it) and says how he wants to kill my ex for how he treated me but then why put all the stress on me. I don't really have anyone around that I could truly go to. Unfortunately my mum, even though I love her tends to believe its me that's the problem (which I think stems from my dad leaving shortly after I was born) also I don't want my children in a broken household like I was if I can help it so was just wondering if there was any advice on how i can try and resolve this before walking away.. Does anyone have a theory why he could be acting like this as this was not the case before I started my degree.
You're already doing everything alone so why stay in this relationship, and as a single parent you'd be entitled to increased student finance and benefits.
This will never get better. When you graduate and find your perfect job and bring in more money he will either give you nothing or expect some of yours.
Marriage should be a partnership and especially so when children are involved. I know different couples deal with finances differently, but unless one has significant debt I just cannot understand why money isn’t pooled - it’s considered that way if you split up. This is no partnership and as others have said this is abusive. You work part time, disabled with pain and undertaking a full time degree (which is no mean feat without the other two and kids).
Honestly (and I don’t say this lightly), leave. You’re doing it all yourself now so why put up with the abuse?
OP atm you are a single mom to 3 it's just one child happens to be your husband. Ltb and have regular access put in place so he can do some parenting.
How & why did you ever get into a relationship with such a god-awful man? Seriously OP?
Your post is utterly shocking. Truly, utterly shocking.
That is not a relationship. He doesnt care about you and the kids. He is selfish and cruel.
He is horrible.
Get out now.
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