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HELP PLEASE FIANCÉ ISSUE don't know what to do

(144 Posts)
ditzyflipsy Sun 20-Sep-20 00:28:58

Hello and thank you to people that will read till the end because I fear it might be long

Long time lurker first time poster thank you

My fiancé and I have been together for a year now, and we love each other deeply we have a pretty solid relationship I think and get along so well we rarely fight and it's almost like two friends that are together that love each other however in my life i have dealt with in the past a drug abusive family member that has pretty much traumatised me and has given me such a fear of drug abuse that I can't even begin to say

My partner was a big time partier and would take party drugs before he met me. In the very beginning I put my cards on the table and expressed that as much as I like you I cannot be with someone that even recreationally takes them or for a fun time or whatever. Because I have seen the effects and how it can destroy lives.

Anyways sorry he was more then happy to let it go and make that change in his life for his health and me. I made it so clear from the very beginning how I feel.

Now I found out he would take one or two here and there during a party/ club outing 2 times a month or so. I had pretty much begged him throughout relationship to please not take anything I guess it's my fault for having that expectation? Or requesting that?!

I just find it hard to trust him now and I'm really confused and lost with how to go forward from here

YANBU - for feeling upset and wanting to fight or maybe leave for the fact that he broke my trust HE shouldn't have taken and admitted FIRST time he did instead of lying

YABU- he's an adult and can do what he wants it's not my place to feel this way or my fault for trying to request that from him

I just don't know guys I need help please

Thank you so so much

OP’s posts: |
LEELULUMPKIN Sun 20-Sep-20 00:31:26

Run. Do not look back.

GoldfishParade Sun 20-Sep-20 00:35:07

I'm on the fence.
On the one hand if you're talking about ecstasy it's a fun thing to do occasionally and responsibly. It doesn't turn you into a junkie drug addict monster.

On the other hand you expressed that this was a massive stumbling point for you.

I think this is something to have another serious conversation about.

cyclingmad Sun 20-Sep-20 00:37:23

If this is a big deal for you (which is perfectly fine) then I'm sorry to say but he lied to you and doesn't respect you enough to stop. So I would say leave snd find someone who doesn't do drugs full stop.

Forallyouknow Sun 20-Sep-20 00:37:38

YANBU re the drugs - getting engaged within the first year of knowing each other Was probably not the wisest thing as clearly if he was still doing something you hate and feel so strongly about without it coming to your attention until now - you have a lot more getting know each other to do before getting that serious. You clearly have fundamentally differing views on something quite serious - what if he carries this on with kids etc then what? Can you trust him to have your kids along for example? If someone can’t stop something even though they said they would - it’s a bit of an addiction.

PickAChew Sun 20-Sep-20 00:37:53

Only together a year? Give it another year and he's not going to give a jot what yiu think of his indulgences

Time to move on.

Pandacub7 Sun 20-Sep-20 01:00:56

Have you been engaged for a year or only been together for a year? If it’s the latter that is a very short amount of time to really figure out if you’re compatible and commit. I’m sorry, but it’s a red flag that he lies and does things that upset you. He does this even though he knows why you disapprove. I think it’s time to leave, for the sake of your mental health.

Plesky Sun 20-Sep-20 01:17:28

You’re fundamentally incompatible and got engaged far too soon.

Piddy68 Sun 20-Sep-20 01:19:28

I've been there. We both used to indulge but when it became a problem we both gave up or so I thought. He lied but I gave him some leeway and it ended badly as did our relationship. But everyone is different. At the end of the day he has lied and that is bad but not necessarily the end of things. But you must just be honest with yourself. You told him your feelings which he agreed with but he continued his behaviour. Now trust me, doing it as you have stated is not a huge problem in itself but the red flag is that he heard your feelings and lied. And from someone who knows that is a big problem.

If this is a non-negotiable for you and you have made that clear and he has not respected that......then it's hardly a good start to a committed relationship.

12309845653ghydrvj Sun 20-Sep-20 01:29:22

It sounds like drugs are a (perfectly reasonable) non-negotiable for you, but he disagrees (despite what he says to your face). You need to look at the situation really objectively—he’s said we don’t do it, he has and this is evidence that he will continue to, again regardless of what he says to you. What kind of drugs are these, and if all his friends do them realistically they will never leave his life. Also this short I to a relationship you’re on your best behaviour—imagine 5 years down the line with the added stresses?

A year is an extremely short time to commit to someone to this degree, and you’ve already discovered a big point of fundamental incompatibility. I wouldn’t bother getting upset with him, I’d just give serious consideration to accepting you might not have a future together.

12309845653ghydrvj Sun 20-Sep-20 01:32:30

Rereading this again OP it sounds like drugs/partying are a fairly big part of his lifestyle—as this bothers you, you should think very clinically about whether this is likely to change.

notangelinajolie Sun 20-Sep-20 01:47:17

I am sorry but I don't think you have a future with this man. Drugs are the issue here and the fact he still takes them despite telling you otherwise should be a big red flag for you. Save yourself the heartache and run while you can.

CoolYourBeansMySon Sun 20-Sep-20 01:54:22

He is what he is, and if he is a drug user then that's what he is. You can't expect him to change for you. Find someone that shares the same values as you from the start - ditch anyone straight away if they don't.

ditzyflipsy Sun 20-Sep-20 01:56:34

Thank you all so much for responding

We have been together a year and engaged like 2 months

Thing is he has told me when he has taken it but I feel like he's gaslighting me into thinking it's not a big deal and really kind of making me feel like I am the problem for going through what I did what drugs in my family?? I just don't know he is a good person and I know he wants to stop but how long can I stick around and hope that he will stop once and for all

He did go cold turkey for a few months and was off and trying to convince me he's in control I just can't find it in me to trust that he won't I'm now so insecure that he will take it it's maddening really

OP’s posts: |
ditzyflipsy Sun 20-Sep-20 01:59:17


He is what he is, and if he is a drug user then that's what he is. You can't expect him to change for you. Find someone that shares the same values as you from the start - ditch anyone straight away if they don't.

I understand this but I feel like I said it from the very beginning I won't be with you if you continue this lifestyle that's just me I've been traumatised by it and I've seen it play out I want no part in it

I guess I'm a bit hurt that I was promised it would stop but it's still so on and off I don't know to stick around and provide that support or just leave and walk away

OP’s posts: |
TheYeaSayer Sun 20-Sep-20 02:03:55

You can’t trust him. It’s as simple as that. How do you move on from this? What else will he be deceptive about?

If he’s trying to gaslight you into thinking it’s no big deal, then he’s likely planning to carry on, for it to be something you know about and put up with.

I’d move on if I were you.

TheArtOfStoryTelling Sun 20-Sep-20 02:09:40

He couldn't give them up even now during the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship. He couldn't even go a year. He does it regularly. Clearly it's going to be a problem.

And top of all that, he lied about it. So you can't trust him.

You've only been together a year. There are plenty more fish in the sea. Move on.

PyongyangKipperbang Sun 20-Sep-20 02:09:41

From his POV, you said that if he did it then it was a dealbreaker. He has admitted to doing it and you are still there.....

So he is thinking that you will live with it.

If it really is a dealbreaker (as it would be for me) then dump his ass. If you love him more than you hate drug use then stay with him but dont expect him to change.

Personally, I would dump.

SofiaAmes Sun 20-Sep-20 02:47:03

I made the mistake of believing that my husband would quit or even slow down. He made promise after promise which all just turned out to be lies. He lied and gaslighted me for years and then finally started using with our child at a very young age and that turned our child into a drug addict too. I eventually left but should have done so much sooner and I'm still picking up the pieces with my poor children.

Please run far away and don't look back.

Monty27 Sun 20-Sep-20 02:55:57

Dump immediately
He's a disrespectful liar

Monday55 Sun 20-Sep-20 02:58:53

If he's addicted to drugs you can't just tell him to stop over night. You set yourself up to fail on this one. I'd break up the relationship and find someone I'm compatible with.

yelyah22 Sun 20-Sep-20 03:02:49

You're not compatible. Your boundary is no drugs, he is not willing to give up recreational drug use.

I'm not against recreational drug use at all and I was half-ready to say that you should recognise there's a difference between taking tested drugs in a safe environment once or twice a year and being an addict whose live has fallen apart.

But twice a month could end up being quite expensive/mean you're serotonin deficient a good chunk of the time (depending on what you've taken of course), and suggests it's a quite regular part of his life. I would be wary of that too and I doubt he will change if he's already said he wouldn't do it and has anyway - giving up is clearly not a priority for him.

You're not wrong for having your hard boundaries, end it now and I think you'll be happier for it.

YoBeaches Sun 20-Sep-20 03:04:17

How old are you both OP?

From what you have said it sounds like you should walk away. You said it was a big issue for you, you were honest with him, and he is unable to support that. Telling you he's taken the drugs is him trying to stretch your comfort zone so that he can carry on.

Namechangearoon Sun 20-Sep-20 03:05:40

Either you are ok with him using drugs or topi are not.

From what you have said you are not. This will eat away at you and make your life a misery

You told him your expectations and he broke your trust. This is never going to work.

I have been there. Trust me, unless you have a miraculous turn around in your feelings about drug use then this has disaster written all over it. He cares more about his high than he does about you.

remainin Sun 20-Sep-20 03:08:14

Wait, is he an addict or an occasional recreational user? What drug, or drugs, does he use?

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