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Aibu or am I a horrible DW

(265 Posts)
Smidwifes Fri 18-Sep-20 21:51:18

Background:
Me and DH have two DCs.

A few years ago me and DH had a huge row about cleaning,hovering and cleaning the oven (to be clear, the arguement was him telling me to do these thinfs), he is VERY clean to an obsessive point.

This row happened to have happened, the night before DDs birthday party. At DD1's party the next day me and DH weren't talking still and things were awkward. My some major bad coincidence one of my friends bought my DD a mini mop and bucket. shortly afterward, I pulled said friend aside and said something along the lines of what a topical present to buy DD as me and DH have had a huge row about cleaning etc etc.....

Fast forward a shirt while later said friend was playing with the mop and bucket and made a silly remark indirectly through DD saying "go and clean the floors DD help your mummy out snigger"

It was wrong. She was being a clown, maybe she thought DH was too stupid to work out what had happened and it REALLY got DHs back up.

He absolutely fucking hates her guts now.

She's not welcome in our house so I can't invite her to anything I host now

Fast forward again a few years when we had DD2, she was a couple of weeks old and I wanted said friend to meet her, but knowing DH hates her I asked if he would mind popping out for an hour so she could come over, he werent over the moon about it but be went to his DMs with DD1 and came back an hour or two later.

Fast forward again to now: DH is due to work late Saturday night, will be out of the house 1800-0000. So I decided to invite said friend over and another one of our friends for a takeaway. Knowing it's he only opportunity I can have her in the house.

Today it transpires that his shift is cancelled and I told him I had invited said friend over for a takeaway... We had a bit of an argument about it but waited until kids were in bed this evening. He's basically saying now that she's not even allowed to come into the house when he's not there.

He's really digging his heels in about it. He's been quite nasty and angry about it all saying he will chuck her out if she's ever here. But my point is he wouldn't be here. I've said to him.i will cancel her coming round tomorrow as his shift is cancelled but wanted to clear the air about anything in future. I.e. in 10 years time when the DDs are older and I wanted a girly dinner party with my friends if DH is on a late/night shift, I now basically am not allowed to invite said friend round. I can invite all the others just not her.

Aibu to argue the point that I should be able to invite whoever I want in the house if he's not there ? Or am I being selfish and not sticking up for DH?

If you've got this far congratulations 😂

OP’s posts: |
Tillygetsit Fri 18-Sep-20 21:54:14

He's being bloody ridiculous. It's your home too...tell him you'll invite whoever you like over.

Justmuddlingalong Fri 18-Sep-20 21:54:41

Don't you find his behaviour abusive and he's now trying to distance you from your friend?

Winterfellismyhome Fri 18-Sep-20 21:55:08

He hates her after one jokey comment? That's ridiculous

Vix20678 Fri 18-Sep-20 21:55:54

Your DH 'hates' your friend because she made a joke about your DD helping mummy mop the floors?? Is he always this angry and unfriendly or does he just not like this woman?

Smidwifes Fri 18-Sep-20 21:57:01

Justmuddlingalong

He has no problems me seeing her whenever I want to, just not in our house. He wouldn't give a toss if I went to her house.....

So I can't really label this as distancing or control

OP’s posts: |
fishonabicycle Fri 18-Sep-20 21:58:17

Your partner sounds fucking horrible.

Haffdonga Fri 18-Sep-20 21:58:50

You know separating someone from your friends is a classic sign of abuse, don't you?

He sounds bullying, controlling and horrible. sad

Indoctro Fri 18-Sep-20 21:59:14

It's disrespectful to take someone into your home that the other person living there doesn't want regardless of the circumstances. You shouldn't take her to your house.

Smidwifes Fri 18-Sep-20 21:59:19

Vix20678

He said she's make some other similar remarks in the past

So now he's really really got it in for her

I get it she was being a clown and our argument was raw and she shouldn't have said it.... She has arguements with her DH about him having to always mowing the lawn , I wouldn't dare walk in to her house and say to her DD go and mow the lawn help your mummy out.

It was wrong.

But this is being blown out of proportion

And the only one being hurt in this is me

And she won't give a toss never seeing him again, and he won't give a toss not seeing her

OP’s posts: |
Smidwifes Fri 18-Sep-20 22:00:02

Indoctro......

Even if he's not there ?

OP’s posts: |
AdoptedBumpkin Fri 18-Sep-20 22:00:08

Your DH sounds irrational. It was just a joke following a coincidence, several years ago.

Quartz2208 Fri 18-Sep-20 22:01:46

Yes you can label it as such because it is awful

What did your friend actually do OP because the comment she made was nothing and he is still punishing you both years later

You have a real DH problem

Indoctro Fri 18-Sep-20 22:02:38

Yes, I think he has made his feelings clear and you could just go to her house

I would be angry at my husband if he went against my wishes about my own home.

Tinkywinkydinkydoo Fri 18-Sep-20 22:03:11

I’m sorry but it is controlling, how can you not see that? He’s controlling who you can invite into your own home. He gets angry if you don’t clean the house a certain way, he gets angry because a friend made one comment and you have to sneak her round into your own house! He sounds very controlling!

Smidwifes Fri 18-Sep-20 22:03:42

Quartz2208

He's just really angry that she would make a comment about an argument we had had..... In his own home....

I get it it's pissed him.off and he don't like her. You don't have to like everyone .... But to punish me by saying be absolutely will not.compromise on me having her here when he's not in the house ?

OP’s posts: |
napody Fri 18-Sep-20 22:04:25

He hates her because he found out that she was someone you could confide in when his behaviour was unreasonable.

emilybrontescorsett Fri 18-Sep-20 22:07:34

I find it all a bit odd. Her buying your dd a mop and bucket for starters. Would she but a boy this gift? Her comment wasn't nice either and your dh is over reacting. Did her like her before this or is this the excuse he was looking for to distance you from your friend?

Vix20678 Fri 18-Sep-20 22:07:37

Indoctro

It's disrespectful to take someone into your home that the other person living there doesn't want regardless of the circumstances. You shouldn't take her to your house.


I'd find it disrespectful if my husband behaved in the way OP's husband is behaving! From what I've read he has no justification for banning this friend from their house, and seems irrational, petty and controlling.

Nanny0gg Fri 18-Sep-20 22:08:26

Is his behaviour still as unreasonable as it was all that time ago?

Honeyroar Fri 18-Sep-20 22:09:45

He’s got no right to tell you who you can have in your own house and he’s got no right to dictate how/when/what you clean. He sounds absolutely horrible.

Vix20678 Fri 18-Sep-20 22:09:58

napody

He hates her because he found out that she was someone you could confide in when his behaviour was unreasonable.


Totally agreed. But also, my MIL would totally buy my DD a similar toy (hoover, mop, iron etc.) and then suggest she 'helps mummy with the housework'.

Are you sure your friend was even referring to the argument at all?? She may just have been making assumptions that you are the one that mops the floors!!

Moonshinemisses Fri 18-Sep-20 22:11:01

Honestly I would tell him to grow the fuck up. It's your home and you should be able to invite friends around. I cant even see what she has done to cause such a reaction from him. My Dh & kids have some friends that are not my cup of tea but I'm an adult so when they come to my home, I say hello ask about their jobs/families/pets and then I make myself scarce.

Ginger1982 Fri 18-Sep-20 22:11:04

Eh...just tell him that you won't be dictated to regarding your friends. It's not as if she's a crack dealer. Are you scared of him?

SonEtLumiere Fri 18-Sep-20 22:11:12

Indoctro

Yes, I think he has made his feelings clear and you could just go to her house

I would be angry at my husband if he went against my wishes about my own home.

This is such a super example of the entitlement at the root of the abusers mindset.

It can be summarised as STFU and do as I say.

Have you noticed that their is no right of reply, no discussion and no reasonableness.

He sounds horrible.

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