Advanced search

To think they just don't get it?

(40 Posts)
Jasmin82 Fri 18-Sep-20 21:34:01

My health hasn't been brilliant recently. It lead to me being stuck upstairs for 4 days. As I live alone, this meant I didn't have anything to eat for those days as everything is downstairs.
Over the years, I've learnt not to expect even the slightest bit of sympathy from my family (I used to think that it was normal for you to be compared unfavourably to other family members and that any news about myself good or bad is not important).
I mentioned the issue on fb, not expecting sympathy or even comment.
Apparently, I should have somehow gone downstairs each night (despite the fact my legs were only just co-operating to go to the loo and, if I had gone down on my bum, standing back up would have not been possible) and brought some food up just in case my legs were going to be the same the following day.
Now it's been decided that I should somehow magic up the microwave upstairs and double my food spend for the month by buying ready meals that don't need to be frozen or stored in a fridge.
I've explained that my food budget cannot be doubled, to no avail, yet anything I say just seems to be ignored. It seems to have been decided that I have some unlimited source of money that I'm unaware of (that or they've bought into the "people on benefits are rolling in it" rubbish).
Is it just the case that, because they haven't been in this scenario, they just don't get it or understand?

OP’s posts: |
CSIblonde Fri 18-Sep-20 21:59:34

How are you now? That sounds scary & lonely. At risk of annoying you again, v v mini fridges are dirt cheap on & If & when youre a bit better, would a kind neighbour help plug one in for you upstairs? And move some basics up there too.If not, do reach out to your local church via phone, you don't have to be a church goer, theyve lots of volunteers who would keep an eye on you etc ,pop stuff round or upstairs. Hope you're feeling a bit better. There is help there,you shouldn't have to struggle like this. Take care.

pepperwood Fri 18-Sep-20 22:01:34

What is it you want/need your family to do and is that likely/possible?
Can you tell them that?

TorkTorkBam Fri 18-Sep-20 22:03:51

Can your doctor help arrange for you to get carers in to help?

If you can't care for yourself in your own home then you are going to have to change something about how you live. Maybe you need to ring adult SS or get yourself admitted to hospital so that you get the care you need.

RoseAndRose Fri 18-Sep-20 22:04:25

Can you move downstairs?

Shewee (or commode) might help if you don't have a downstairs loo

Fallada Fri 18-Sep-20 22:05:35


What is it you want/need your family to do and is that likely/possible?
Can you tell them that?

Yes. Their solutions are not practicable, so you need to tell them specifically how you would like them to help in ways which are.

Sorry you’re unwell.

Heronwatcher Fri 18-Sep-20 22:07:16

Sorry but this sounds odd. I’m not sure I understand your point. Is this a regular thing, if so could you relocate your bedroom downstairs? Or have a stash of food upstairs like biscuits/ rice cakes etc and an emergency phone. If completely unexpected and there were no friends you could call then you know you could call the emergency services in this situation, the non-emergency number is exactly what this is for. But also if you could get to the loo, could you possibly have chucked a few pillows and a duvet downstairs and then gone down once and based yourself on the sofa for a few days. If your family can’t/ won’t help out then you need to have a plan in place. But the Facebook thing sounds odd too.

ShellsAndSunrises Fri 18-Sep-20 22:07:45

That sounds horrendous... I had to live downstairs for a while after major surgery, three times. It wasn’t easy, but much better than not eating for four days! Would that be an option? I hated relying on other people to help, so being able to slowly move around downstairs helped me.

I’m sorry you’re so unwell flowers

BlueBirdGreenFence Fri 18-Sep-20 22:09:37

Can you sleep downstairs? An uncomfortable sofa with access to food and water would be safer than risking dehydration etc.

Smallsteps88 Fri 18-Sep-20 22:09:59

I mean this gently, but it seems an odd thing to post on FB if you didn’t want/expect people to comment, and it would be odd for people to see a post like that and not offer some suggestions for making things easier for yourself in future. If you didn’t want people to engage in that way, and you say you didn’t expect sympathy or even a comment, what did you want from your post?

AngelicInnocent Fri 18-Sep-20 22:11:46

I'm afraid that the vast majority of people are unable to understand things that don't fit in with their lives.

You see it on here often, just look at the thread about parents lying to schools or the one about going through red lights to allow emergency vehicles past. So many people saying of course they would just lose their job and as a knock on effect, their homes and the ability to put food on the table for their DC. Easy to say when you have 2 good incomes or can have a SAHP and they can't see that, for some people, this could be an actual issue.

I hope you feel better soon and whilst I understand you can't double your shop, maybe some crackers and lucozade upstairs would be a help so you have something at least.

jessstan2 Fri 18-Sep-20 22:17:04

I feel for you Jasmin having been incapacitated for a while last year and the year before. Mine was due to accident so I did recover and am OK now but it certainly gave me insight. It was so frightening.

I was better off being downstairs all the time but realise that is difficult if there is no downstairs loo.

You can have food and other stuff delivered, I presume you now manage to get to the door.

Forget about family but if you continue to be incapacitated, help can be arranged for you at home. Speak to your GP.

I do hope things improve for you. Life just sucks sometimes.

Carrigfada Fri 18-Sep-20 22:22:19

Is there some reason why you’re posting about your incapacitation on FB and getting angry at the responses, rather than asking people, whether friends, family, neighbours or someone official, for practical help accessing food?

Sympathy, I had bad SPD in pregnancy and couldn’t get up and down stairs (was living alone in a rather primitive rented house) for a week.

Stompythedinosaur Fri 18-Sep-20 22:22:51

If you were stuck unable to reach food for 4 days that it would have been appropriate to ring the emergency services for help, and i hope you try someone who can help if this happens again, as it sounds scary. You could also try the local authority adult safeguarding number for help. If it is somethjng that could happen regularly then you need adaptations to your living environment and possibly an alarm system.

Social media is used differently by different people. I wonder if posting on Facebook made people see the situation as less serious than it perhaps was, because many people wouldn't use social media for serious issues.

GeorgiaGirl52 Fri 18-Sep-20 22:26:52

I have been in your situation. Could barely make it from the bed to the en suite bathroom using a walker. Even tho kitchen was on same floor, I couldn't fix food for myself. Two hands holding onto the walker, how do you open a can or twist a cap?
Keep some kids juice boxes and packages of crackers as near your bed as possible. You will at least have some food and thus the energy to get to the bathroom, until your bout passes. You don't have to "double your food shop" just get one or two extra items each week until you have a little emergency stash. Maybe in a storage box under your bed?

GoldfishParade Fri 18-Sep-20 22:39:37

I recommend Huel

Jasmin82 Sat 19-Sep-20 13:38:24

I'm currently waiting for a care needs assessment and a home assessment.
I don't have the money to spare for snacks to keep upstairs. I have asked for help from family members who make suggestions to relocate the microwave upstairs and a tabletop fridge or freezer, however, I'm told that they can't help to do that and I should just follow their suggestions.
These are the same people who say they don't actually care about my health yet kick off if they aren't the first to know about any health problems I have.

OP’s posts: |
Holothane Sat 19-Sep-20 13:40:29

My heart goes out to you,

willloman Sat 19-Sep-20 13:43:40

Most counties have short term support available for people who need help at home - please call them. Or call one of your local volunteer organisations. There is no need to struggle alone. Your situation is not unusual.

Ohtherewearethen Sat 19-Sep-20 13:47:23

I am not trying to pry or get you to disclose things you are not comfortable with doing but are your health issues due to an accident or disease or degenerative illness or other? Are your legs sometimes ok but sometimes not? Is it pain or weakness/nerve damage, etc? Just wondering if we had an idea of the issue someone might have experienced something similar and be able to point you in the direction of appropriate help.

seayork2020 Sat 19-Sep-20 13:53:17

I would stop posting on social media of you need genuine help and call and ask people. Or speak to your doctors/social workers, sure vent on here but not sure what replies you are looking for?

Jasmin82 Sat 19-Sep-20 22:38:45

@seayork2020 I have asked my family for actual help. I have asked for them to help me move either the small table top fridge or the table top freezer upstairs and help me get the microwave upstairs. They have consistently refused and told me to just follow their suggestions. I have pointed out before that, there is not much point in following their suggestion of buying in ready meals that don't need freezing or storing in a fridge if the only way to cook them is downstairs!
I am waiting for a care assessment and a home assessment.
My family don't like me asking anyone but them for help, yet, every single time I ask them, they refuse to help.

@Ohtherewearethen The doctors I've seen seem to think it's just my ME/CFS getting worse. My left leg suddenly started dragging last summer. As there's a family history of strokes, that was investigated and quickly ruled out. Then, at the end of the year, my right leg also stopped working properly. All MRI scans have come back normal. GP is referring me to ME/CFS specialist once restrictions are lifted. My main focus is getting my house on the market, sold and myself moved into a bungalow before my legs refuse to deal with stairs every single day.

OP’s posts: |
Smallsteps88 Sat 19-Sep-20 23:02:12

My family don't like me asking anyone but them for help, yet, every single time I ask them, they refuse to help.

Yes but what they like or don’t like is irrelevant. You’re an adult. You get to ask whoever you like for help and you don’t even have to tell your family about it. Why would you?

MusicWithRocksIn1t Sat 19-Sep-20 23:11:06

I work in care. In a situation like this if the drs knew the exact situation emergency care would have been organised immediately even during covid times, actually its more common now then ever.
Its strange that this hasn't been the case for you.
Do you have any friends or neighbours who would help you move the microwave and fridge?
There are volunteer groups all over the place right now who would most likely be willing to help. Have a look on FB and see if you can find a local one.

Womencanlift Sat 19-Sep-20 23:26:44

Do these family members live with you? If they don’t then how will they know if others help. If they do then can you speak with your doctor/care team for help as surely this is an example of neglect

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in