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Please someone knock some sense into me!!

(38 Posts)
Youaremysunshine2010 Tue 15-Sep-20 21:42:43

Probably get flamed on here but I need some help, partner and I have had some rough patches but what relationship doesn't?! We've been together for 9 years and no sign of a proposal, I asked him the other night if we could just get married and he said no it's something he wants to ask!!
Before we moved in together he kept making excuses until I said to him you either move in properly or you move your stuff out ( this was after years of him staying but not moving in etc ) he has said no to trying for another baby yet until we sort things out properly ( I'm getting older so worried my time will run out ) I've been asking him if we could move closer to my family for over two years it took about a year for him to put the house on the market and now we have buyers he is yet again putting excuses in the way - I have said I'm not sure the relationship will work out as he is in control of most things so I would rather not be on the mortgage at all as the mortgage we are on to me is just a debt in my name, he basically asked me to sign a deed of trust to protect his deposit ( he put the deposit down hundreds of thousand incase that's relevant ) and he is now saying that's it's too much of a rush, the buyers have asked if we would consider renting until we found somewhere as their mortgage offer will run out in 2 months and he had said no not happy yet hasn't even looked for somewhere for us to go so we are now basically going to lose the buyers. won't try for another baby yet we took over 3 years to conceive our little one incase it doesn't work out yet wants me to be on the mortgage aibu to think this really isn't what he wants and it really isn't going anywhere ?

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StillCoughingandLaughing Tue 15-Sep-20 21:57:24

If you stay with him, you’ll still be asking these same questions in five years. Get out now.

Youaremysunshine2010 Tue 15-Sep-20 22:04:21

You don't think I'm acting like A spoilt brat? X

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StillCoughingandLaughing Tue 15-Sep-20 22:08:59

I think you’ve made clear what you want and he wants something different. That would be fine if he was honest, but pretending he’ll propose at some point and will one day want another baby? Not on.

Sanitisethat Tue 15-Sep-20 22:13:34

OP he has had nine years in which to commit to you, show you some respect, dedicate himself to a family and a future with you. He’s just giving you excuses because he doesn’t give a shit about any of it. It is never, ever going to get better.

And no, not all relationships have rough patches. People go through tough times, but I can put my hand on my heart and say there has never been a moment where my husband didn’t do everything in his power to make my life easier and put my feelings first.

You’ve already wasted too many years waiting for this man to come good. Don’t let it happen any longer.

RealityExistsInTheHumanMind Tue 15-Sep-20 22:31:00

yanbu

GeorgiaGirl52 Tue 15-Sep-20 22:36:46

Why are you still with him? You know what you want -- another child, a home closer to your parents, marriage, etc. He clearly does not want any of that and is putting you off with "not now", "Maybe later" and "When I want to propose"!!!
You have given him nine years!!! That is enough!!! Get out and take your child. Leave him with his mortgage and his timetable. Live your life -- not his.

AtrociousCircumstance Tue 15-Sep-20 22:39:25

He doesn’t want to marry you, because then you will have a claim to his hundreds of thousands.

But he wants you tied into the mortgage debt in a way which reinforces his position,

This man is not in love with you and he is not interested in what you want, OP.

Anordinarymum Tue 15-Sep-20 22:39:40

It's the deed of trust that would be the deal breaker for me I am afraid OP

Youaremysunshine2010 Tue 15-Sep-20 23:07:34

What do you mean reinforces his position? X

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Merryoldgoat Tue 15-Sep-20 23:21:59

Honestly OP - you know this relationship has no legs.

You shouldn’t have to give ultimatums - why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t truly want you?

After 9 years there shouldn’t be any dithering about moving in. It’s perfectly reasonable to say you want to get married and have a discussion about it. It’s reasonable to want to move home.

He just doesn’t want to marry you.

Move on before you waste more of your life on him.

Merryoldgoat Tue 15-Sep-20 23:24:06

I told my husband that I wanted to get married and wouldn’t have children outside of marriage on our second date.

I was very clear that if that wasn’t something he was interested in I wasn’t the one for him.

There’s nothing wrong with taking control of these things.

BlueThistles Wed 16-Sep-20 00:17:42

he's holding all the cards, making all the decisions, controlling everything OP. He only responds when given ultimatums, It really shouldn't be this hard OP, honestly.

He isn't committed to you, he is not your happy ever after 🌺

Aquamarine1029 Wed 16-Sep-20 02:05:55

How much more writing on the wall do you need to see?

He doesn't want to marry you. Not now. Not ever.

Honestly, stop being so daft and passive and take control of your life.

CSIblonde Wed 16-Sep-20 02:13:21

Everything's on his terms. Wheres the meeting half way, compromising and considering & taking into account each others needs. Don't make the mistake of thinking he will change. Behaviour patterns like that are hardwired. It works for him, it gets him what he wants,so there is no incentive to change.

Youaremysunshine2010 Wed 16-Sep-20 09:28:46

Thankyou for your replies makes me feel a little more normal and human for feeling this way, I hate to see everyone having babies and marriage and yet it's a big chore for him to have that with me x

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BlueThistles Wed 16-Sep-20 09:54:06

it shouldn't be a chore, its should be a natural progression 🌺

Onxob Wed 16-Sep-20 09:57:32

You asked him to marry you and after 9 years and a child together he essentially turned you down. To me there would be no coming back from that...

Youaremysunshine2010 Wed 16-Sep-20 10:02:43

It was a heat of the moment kind of thing I said to him let's get married sod the engagement and all that let's book it and get married, he then said he wants to be the one to propose x

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AntiHop Wed 16-Sep-20 10:03:36

I feel so frustrated on your behalf. He is making you tread water. My DH is a bit like this. With the exception of proposing, it has been me who has driven forward the developments in our life, such as deciding when to ttc, buying our first flat, moving to a house.

BUT there is a big difference. My DH doesn't stand in the way when I want to get on with these life changes. He just finds it hard to initiate it. Whereas your partner is stopping you from moving forward in your life.

I feel really sorry for your buyers too!

VenusClapTrap Wed 16-Sep-20 10:08:06

He sounds like he’s ‘waiting for something better to come along’. You’ll do for now, but he doesn’t see a future with you. Sorry op. This happened to a friend - her boyfriend kept stringing her along for years, with ‘not now, not now, not sure I want marriage yet or a child yet’ blah blah blah. Then after a decade of this buggered off with another woman and was engaged with a baby on the way within a month. My friend was broken. I’ve heard of this happening a lot.

I would walk before you waste any more time on him. Find someone who wants to commit to you.

VenusClapTrap Wed 16-Sep-20 10:10:22

Oh and as a pp said, no not every couple has rough patches.

Pinkdelight3 Wed 16-Sep-20 10:16:37

he then said he wants to be the one to propose

To someone else presumably, as he's had nine years to propose to you so it's loud and clear that he doesn't want to. You're not a spoilt brat. He's all about the power play and no commitment. That situation with the second child and losing the house buyers is all ridiculous. He's a big baby and is never going to grow up and be the DH and real partner you need. Agree that not all couples have rough patches and what you describe would be intolerable for many women. Whatever hardships there are, you should be on the same team facing them together. Not causing needless stresses for each other. This one is a dud, sorry.

MaskingForIt Wed 16-Sep-20 10:32:00

Move nearer to your parents. He can come too if he wants to, but stop pandering to him and start doing what is right for you.

Youaremysunshine2010 Wed 16-Sep-20 13:20:45

Thankyou for your replies, he is adamant that he wants me to be on the new mortgage if we move together but still won't allow us to try for a baby!!

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