To think I should leave DH??

[everybodylovesgin]

DH & I have been together for 14 years.

We had our first baby this year born in March.

DD is now 6 months old.

My relationship with DH seems to be declining fast and I just don't know if we can ever get things back on track.

All we ever seen to do now is argue.
We don't seem to be a team, on the same side or supportive of each other.
Instead I feel like we're against each other and we're competing.

I feel angry towards him, I feel resentful and I don't really know why.

He helps around the house, he cooks dinner, he does the laundry, he gets up early on a weekend with DD so I can catch up on sleep, but I just feel like it's all done so he can throw it back at me, or that he's doing it to keep me quiet rather than he genuinely wants to help.

I feel like I'm struggling being at home with DD and he's at work all day and not feeling the same pressures of parenthood that I am.

I don't ever feel like I get time to myself, and my DH has complained that he doesn't either, but he's at work all day, he gets to have adult conversation, eat his lunch uninterrupted, go to the toilet when he wants.
I feel like that's much more time to himself than what I get!!

My stress levels feel higher than ever and I just feel like DH doesn't actually make much of a difference by being in my life.

He leaves for work at 7am and he arrives home at 5.30pm.

He will come home and he will cook us dinner, we will eat.

After dinner one of us will bath DD and get her ready for bed whilst the other is doing the dishes.

DD is going through a phase of not wanting to be with DH when she is tired and will not settle with him, only me.

8pm I take DD up to bed and that's me for the night.
I stay up with her 1. Because I don't feel comfortable putting her to bed without me.

1. Because it can take a while for her to fully drop off and she doesn't sleep for very long without waking up and needs to be settled so it makes sense for me to stay with her.

Some nights DH will come up with me and just lay next to me, others he will stay down.

I just feel so pissed at him because I don't feel like he does enough with DD.

It's so hard that she won't settle with him, even on a weekend for day time naps she barely settles with him, and it's always on me after lots of bouncing and hard work to get her to nap.

I feel really exhausted with it all, I miss having any time alone with my husband but all we seem to do now is argue / compare who's most tired or who's done the most around the house.

I feel like I always have to justify what I've done all day, admittedly he never asked or complains, but I just hate the thought of him thinking I'm lazy or unmotivated.

I do love DH, other than him cleaning the house, cooking and getting up early with DD on a weekend, I don't really know what else I get from him and how I benefit from him being in my life.

I don't want DD to have a split family but I just don't think I'm happy with him anymore.

[Mixedandproud]

You have been together a long time, 14 years and now have a 6 month old baby. This is a big shock to both of you and your usual life together. You both need to adjust and cut each other some slack. You say you don’t feel you would notice much difference if DH was there or not but it sounds to me like he is pretty involved with the house so I don’t think this is the problem. But the baby sleeping is a big factor. Maybe you need to make a concerted effort to both be there when settling the baby to sleep, try it for two weeks. Ask DH to hold the baby whilst you are next to them and then as she gets more used to it step further away and see if that makes a difference so DD gets used to DH being with her just the two of them.
Make a resolution with DH to stop the petty arguments and communicate with each other.
Are you thinking of going back to or starting work again? Maybe you need to do this for yourself so that you have some time away and it doesn’t all seem so overwhelming. DD might respond well to learning to be with other people in childcare as well.
Don’t give up, it’s early days and things can get better with effort from both of you.

[Thisisnotnormal69]

I don’t mean to make it sound insignificant but this is absolutely normal and typical for many couples after having a baby. It completely changes everything about your lives together. How was your relationship before your baby?

What would you like him to do with your daughter that he isn’t now?

[Itslookinglikeabeautifulday]

Sound advice from Mixedandproud. Your post sounds very much how I felt when our first was born quite a few years ago - though my DH never made dinner! I found having a baby a learning curve, and a steep one at that, plus it’s flipping hard work at the beginning and the constant exhaustion....I thought it would never end! But these stages pass so quick. If you feel anger bubbling up, try to remember you are both on the same side. Fourteen years together speaks volumes for how compatible you are.

[RobertSmithsWig]

Children test even the strongest relationships. It's not your husband's fault that he goes to work and you're home with the baby, and he sounds pretty involved when he's around. I do sympathise though because I went stir crazy when I was home with a baby and it seemed DHs life was just carrying on as normal, which I really resented. I went back to work much earlier than I intended to, just part time, which really helped me.

As PP said, you've been together a long time and having a baby is a massive shock to the system, so perhaps look at ways to address your unhappiness before ending the marriage. Although it seems relentless now, the baby stage is actually pretty short-lived however I wouldn't live those baby years again for all the tea in China. DH and I weathered it somehow and are shortly to become grandparents! I can imagine our DD will be feeling like you soon.

[Wiredforsound]

What you’re feeling is COMPLETELY normal and actually your DH sounds like a good man. My DD is nearly 15 and my DS is 12 but I can still vividly remember those first years. The insane lack of sleep, the loss of adult company except for other mums with new babies, the absolute lack of being anything other than your baby’s mum. Neither of mine slept well and I remember feeling so on edge that I though my bones would shatter if someone one touched them. The first year of a baby, where they catch every illness, teethe, learn to eat food, start crawling, walking, and growing before your eyes, is exhausting, and all the while you are still recovering. It’s ok. It will get better. Be kind to yourself, and your baby, and your DH. This will pass.

[everybodylovesgin]

It really doesn't feel completely normal 😔

[Italiangreyhound]

It sounds like this is a testing time for a relationship which has done really well for both of you for 14 years.

I will say what I often say in these kind of situations, could you be suffering from a touch of post natal depression? Could this be the baby blues? just talk to your midwife or GP.

If you separate now you will not magically get your life back as it was and you would actually be much more limited as you and your husband try and figure out what the issues are.

Maybe your husband is not having agreat time at work, eating lesiruely lunches and going to the loo alone! Well I am sure he is going to the loo alone but... I went into the office today and it was totally exhausting. Please cut him some clack and look for some help to work through these issues together.

I am always 100% in favour of people splitting up if it is not working for them but based on what you say it is your hormones (totally natural and understandable) which are making you feel unhappy at the moment and not your husband.

[Italiangreyhound]

"He helps around the house, he cooks dinner, he does the laundry, he gets up early on a weekend with DD so I can catch up on sleep, but I just feel like it's all done so he can throw it back at me, or that he's doing it to keep me quiet rather than he genuinely wants to help."

What makes you think this? Could you be a bit paranoid on your part?

"My stress levels feel higher than ever and I just feel like DH doesn't actually make much of a difference by being in my life."

Please think about all the times your husband is looking after baby and then imagine you had to look after baby in all those times too. He is definitive making a difference to your time to yourself and the fact you cannot see it makes me feel more sure you are being influenced by hormones.

"I just feel so pissed at him because I don't feel like he does enough with DD." I cannot quite see what else you want him to do if he is really doing all the things you mention.

"I feel like I always have to justify what I've done all day, admittedly he never asked or complains, but I just hate the thought of him thinking I'm lazy or unmotivated."

Does he really think you are lazy or are you feeling this irrationally?

"I do love DH, other than him cleaning the house, cooking and getting up early with DD on a weekend, I don't really know what else I get from him and how I benefit from him being in my life."

If you really do not want to be with him anymore then of course you can end your marriage but please do consider that your hormones are affecting your expectations here.

[RealMermaid]

I understand how you feel because I felt similar but I think there are things you can do that could help. It's important to talk to each other and recognise each others feelings. Just because you both feel like the other one has the easy deal makes it easy to feel like it gets into a competition, bit that's not healthy. I would suggest:

1. Alternate who cooks dinner e.g. Tuesdays and Thursdays (or whenever) you cook while he looks after baby in another room, so you get some proper headspace away from baby, even if it's just cooking with the radio on.

1. You need to sort out the sleeping thing. Alternating who puts baby to bed makes most sense. It's tough to get baby to settle with someone else but it can be done, just needs practise. As another poster said, try settling baby together for a bit.

1. You need some time together after baby goes to sleep. Aim to come back downstairs and spend time together one or two evenings a week if you can't do more. Even twenty minutes of grown up time before bed will help you both to actually enjoy your relationship instead of arguing. If you struggle to get out of the room once baby is asleep, have you tried using a white noise machine? Great way to help you escape without waking them up!

1. Agree something that you enjoy that gets prioritised for you to get to do every week, and your DH gets the same. For instance, having a bath or half an hour's time to read on your own.

1. When DD naps during the day do NOT use all that time on household chores. Make sure you get time to yourself every day to just sit and have a cuppa (or whatever). You deserve to have a break and it sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to do chores etc.

[Gladgreengrass]

It doesn't feel normal because you've had lots of time together pre-dc and now this bomb has exploded in the middle of your relationship ie a new baby and I agree with the pp that lack of sleep here is key. It changes how you perceive and feel about everything. So I would focus all of my energies and resources on that.

I know all babies differ and you said you don't feel comfortable "putting her to bed without me" and that she wakes a lot but at six months many babies can be gently persuaded in to a routine, and a a bit of time spent working with a sleep consultant or working on getting your baby to self soothe and feel that bed is a great place to be, is honestly worth its weight in gold, for them and for you, and for your relationship. Also, getting some support for yourself, even if it's just from another very experienced mother, may be a good idea (not easy ATM though I know).

Also, hope you don't mind me being blunt when you are feeling so down but I think it's a bit unfair on your DH to say "other than him cleaning the house, cooking and getting up early with DD on a weekend, I don't really know what else I get from him and how I benefit from him being in my life". Presumably he is bringing in a wage and working full time is no picnic either. Also it's not just about what benefits you, as you are a family unit now. This is a big change for him too and lots of men aren't great at the emotional support side of things unfortunately.

Having said all of that, this is where inequality kicks in and it's a shock. I remember one day at that stage being really jealous of my DH skipping out of the house in the morning when I desperately just wanted to walk down the road and go and get a paper (this was before news was on-line!) and it struck me then how our lives differed and how unfair it felt in that moment.

I agree with a pp who said maybe you need to think about going back to work a few days a week? A lot of the early years raising dc are a big drudge carried out in a cloud of fatigue. Also, having a newborn in the midst of a global pandemic is a hard thing to do with lots of anxiety and uncertainty involved. So cut yourself some slack and don't underestimate the stress you have been through which may be taking its toll only mow. But also, don't make any serious decisions about your marriage while you are sleep deprived

[BoomBoomsCousin]

@everybodylovesgin

It really doesn't feel completely normal 😔

It doesn’t. It doesn’t feel completely normal for all the millions of women who go through it. It shocks us all. But it is normal in Western society because we have such lousy support systems for new parents.

Some good advice already. Especially around sleep.

Might it also be better if, when your DP comes in, he takes the baby and you make the dinner? More of a change for you than continuing what you’ve been doing all day and more of an opportunity for your DP to bond with his baby?

In many societies you would have a cadre of female relatives to share this experience with. We don’t have that sort of society any more and I strongly suggest getting help if you can afford it (and think about cutting other things if you can’t - divorce is expensive too). A home help, baby sitter or crèche to give you some time where you don’t feel totally at the mercy of your baby’s need. But don’t let this be something that just you are responsible for - make you DP a strong partner in all things related to child care.

And if you are already missing adult conversation think about returning to work soon.

Lack of good sleep is, I think, a major part of what makes us feel like this. But it also nudges us into bad habits and ways of thinking about our family relationships. It’s very, very common and most people come through it but I think sometimes it scars relationships because we don’t really realise how it’s making us think about our partners.

[rainbowninja]

I can relate too, felt much the same after my dd was born. In a way it doesn't really matter who does what, it sounds like you don't feel listened to or appreciated. Looking back I wish I had told my husband how I felt at the time instead of building up resentment. Can you tell him how you feel?

[GammyLeg]

There is no real "normal" after a baby is born. As everyone has said, it tests even the most solid relationships. Absolutely the same in my house (especially when baby 2 came around).

All I'd say is, don't make any decisions yet. Unless things really deteriorate, hang on until you hit the 12 month mark to make any big changes.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

oh sweetie, this is completely normal. Forgive me but I have been using the phrase "new normal" for years to describe the utter carnage that is an established strong relationship after the first baby come along.

He is pulling his weight, you are pulling yours. Its just that right now your world has been turned upside down and you dont see that his has been too. Yes he gets some down time that you dont get, so perhaps you would consider sharing the leave so he gets to experience you life, and yours his (where he cant pee without a little compion....FYI, you can, the baby will be ok while you piss) (and you get lunch with no interupptions, FYI you will feel guilty and call home just in case).

[LagunaBubbles]

Do you think you might have post natal depression?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Please excuse typos thanks to auto correct and being knackered after a long late shift

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Go to your GP and get checked for post-natal depression. Once that's ruled out (and I don't think it will be) then you can start thinking about how things have changed, and you might need some counselling, possibly family counselling.

But GP first.

[HarryHarry1]

Hang in there! Me and my husband were together for I think 14 years as well when our first child was born. The birth was traumatic and I told him at the time that I felt as if I had gone somewhere that he couldn’t follow me and that it had changed me and us forever. Over the next few months I became angry, resentful, argumentative, and really unpleasant to be around, for reasons I still don’t understand. Perhaps it was partly because I was so focused on our son and no longer really cared about anything else including my husband and partly because I needed to feel like I was tough and strong and in control of something after feeling so powerless and vulnerable during the birth. I don’t know. Anyway, nearly 3 years and another child later we’re still not back to normal but we’re getting there! And I’m really happy that we didn’t get divorced all those times I said we should!

My point is, don’t make any lifechanging decisions until things settle down a bit. You’re going through a period of intense upheaval so it will be a little while before you all find your feet and figure out how to each other now in this new situation. I think it’s normal.

Have you considered marriage counselling? We haven’t done it ourselves as we’re quite good at communicating our feelings to each other but it has worked wonders for a friend of mine who was in a similar situation.

[CiderJolly]

I don’t think I’ve ever said this on mumsnet before but I don’t think your husband is doing anything wrong. He sounds like he is pulling his weight- you are in for a shock if you choose single parenting over what you’ve got now.

Sorry you’re feeling this way though- agree with other posters that it could well be post natal depression.

[Jellybeansincognito]

It’s a completely normal way to feel, your baby comes before your own needs and your relationship takes the sideline.

Why aren’t you comfortable leaving your baby to sleep without you? Are you worried about sids?

You can’t really be cross at him for things you’re choosing to do, your dd won’t get comfortable with him at bedtime if you step in and take her for example.
You can’t blame him for your choice of staying with her, I did the same with my first child and honestly, I think that alone is enough to cause all of these feelings. It’s extremely important to have some alone time, a re charge away from your baby.

[Imtootired]

I’m not trying to be mean but if you're struggling with quite a bit of help there is no way you would cope with being a single parent. You really have no idea what it’s like. I’m a single parent to a baby and I feel lucky my mum and older son help me a bit but I do every single bath and bed time and with him most days by myself. I think you need to get some counselling and coping strategies and a plan for baby’s sleep.

[Minnie888]

@Imtootired is there really any need for that? Well done you for coping. Just because OP is struggling, like so many of us have, with 'help' it doesn't make it any less of a concern for them or struggle. I'm afraid your post came over as mean and we need to remember to be kind to one another.

OP it is completely normal to feel this way. I think with sleep the way it is something has to chance and it would be so worth trying the advice above in helping your OH take over slowly to allow you some respite. I don't like the phrase it gets easier, because I don't think it does! But we as parents get the knack of it, what works and what doesn't and it helps immensely on this crazy new journey.

[Starfish1021]

As lots of others have said, it’s heartbreakingly normal. The first year of my son’s life was the hardest I have ever endured. You have to sort of put your relationship on ice and hope it comes out okay in the end. Every single time my husband told me he was tired I would have quite happily punched him in the face. When we had a second our son would sleep no later than 430am for 3 years. It nearly broke us. But we got through. Good luck

[SadSack39]

I dont think its mean, its a fair point.. the grass isnt greener. All i can add is that i would avoid getting into the habit of going to bed with baby. Don't fall into that trap..i think you need to make the evenings your time together with your husband, you need that time right now

[Redrosesandsunsets]

You both seem stressed by the life change and for different reasons. I think he sounds like he’s trying to be helpful and taking up the slack when not at work, but when you’re tired and maybe depressed and dealing with a major life change you can feel resentful as you’re stuck at home with the task of a helping a young baby all day. That’s hard for some to get use to. Go easy on yourselves. Maybe get counselling. Get a night away without baby (baby goes to parents?) maybe?