Partner giving no input on Christmas gifts for his family.

[bumble79]

Hi all, I know it's a little early to talk about Christmas but money is tighter I need to plan and budget for Christmas.

we've been together 8 years and every single year I ask oh for idea on what to get his own family. I don't know them as much as he does and I'd like some input. He just says 'I don't know' or 'don't bother getting them anything'. It's so frustrating.

It's not just Christmas. On his mums bday recently I bought a card and a gift. He is absolutely pants.

It's got to the point that I have to pick out my own gifts from him..

Are all men like this??

Aibu to think he can help with gifts for his family?!

Sounds trivial I know! But I like to be organised whereas he'd rather shop on Christmas Eve!!

[RedRumTheHorse]

You don't buy his family gifts and cards, and he doesn't buy your family gifts and cards.

He is an adult and capable of remembering his own family's birthdays, particularly his own mother's birthday, and when it is Christmas.

[EveryDayIsADuvetDay]

Let him get on with it - you aren't his personal shopper.
Still help out with choosing your own though.

Maybe suggest what you plan to spend on your family and ask if he is planning to stick with a similar budget if money is tight (but if you don't mention it, he won't bother, so that will save )

[Time40]

Why on earth are you buying presents for his family? That's his responsibility. It's not your problem.

[BeardieWeirdie]

His family are his responsibility.

[Nicknacky]

Leave him to it. I’ve never bought for my husbands family. They are his family.

What did he do before he met you?

[AnnaSW1]

This is of your own making. Stop buying for his side.

[gamerchick]

It's his responsibility OP. Howay man lass, don't willingly take on that wife work.

[Ponoka7]

Couldn't you drop doing presents? How many do you have to buy for?

If they buy for you then you can't leave it for him to sort. I'd buy alcohol/food gifts and keep it simple.

[IWouldBeSuperb]

Why do you need to buy gifts for his family at all?

Surely he buys for his and they are given from you both jointly - and vice versa for yours.

Way less hassle for you, and he gets to act like an actual adult capable of performing a simple task - win win!

[Sexnotgender]

His family his responsibility. I take no responsibility for anything to do with my husband’s family.

[Oysterbabe]

I've never bought a present for my husband's family, it's down to him.

[Frazzled13]

Just stop?
I’ve never bought presents for DH’s family (beyond giving my opinion on some earrings when we were out shopping together, but I did not choose to get her earrings). And he’s never bought for mine. I do not know how this would remotely become your responsibility.

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

Seriously just stop. Men have lead battles and gone to the moon, they are more than capable of buying presents. I've lost count of the threads on here where a disinterested man cba to buy his partner a present for years (supposedly because he doesn't know how) yet magically becomes capable when buying for his OW.

[Calvinlookingforhobbes]

YABU yo be parenting a grown man.

[AnyFucker]

Why are you doing this ? It's not compulsory or even necessary. Let him sort his own family out.

[WeAllHaveWings]

I buy presents for my nieces and nephews on dh's side as they are my nieces and nephews too.

His siblings, their partners, his mum and dad, grandparents were/are his responsibility. They often get nothing. Not my problem.

[Gatehouse77]

If DH doesn't engage with the process then nothing happens. I keep a box of generic birthday cards so he can either choose from them or get his own.
Once the card's been signed by everyone then it's posted by whoever's going past a post box next.

We will discuss gift ideas but it's only for his parents really now.

[AdaColeman]

Relax, it’s only September!

Post on the dedicated Christmas Topic for lots of ideas and inspiration!

[TorkTorkBam]

This is bonkers. Why on earth are you doing this? Why are you buying your OWN "present" from him? That is lunacy.

Is this one of those things where you are desperate to create a facade of everything being FINE when actually it is totally fucked?

[MaskingForIt]

Did he ask you to take on present-buying, or have you voluntarily martyred yourself into this wife-work?

This sort of thing is indicative of the endemic internalised misogyny which holds women back. You don’t have to do this. Just stop. Why do you value it more than he does?

Are all men like this??

I married a grown-up who buys presents for his own family, so no, not all men are like this.

[MrsCollinssettled]

Tell him that you are sharing the responsibility for gift buying. You will handle all of your family and friends, he can look after his family and friends. Don't buy presents for his side. If they query it tell them that it was his choice not to buy them anything.

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

I've been with my dp 9 years and honestly have never purchased his family presents on my own. I will remind him to ask them what they want and either he buys it or we get it if we are out together. If he doesn't ask or buy, they don't get. Not my problem. I have my own family to buy for. Same goes for birthdays.

[TorkTorkBam]

Hold onto your pinnies ladies, I don't even remind my DH that it is his mum's birthday. He puts a card in front of us and says sign this and btw it's in the diary that we are going out to lunch at X with mum on Sunday.

[AuntyFungal]

I used to organise cards / gifts etc... for PiLs / ILs, then I had a WTF moment. The first Christmas MiL mentioned the lack of cards. I replied something along the lines of, “he’s got two hands...”. She got ‘it’ immediately. It’s not like DH was running around after my side of the family.

Oh, my MiL is touching 90 these days, my DM 70. It’s not an age thing. My MiL = completely fine. DM = poor ‘ickle men folk, why aren’t you doing x, y, z for them!

[MulticolourMophead]

He just says 'I don't know' or 'don't bother getting them anything'. It's so frustrating.

So, next time he says "don't bother getting them anything", tell him you won't be bothering, it's his job. Also, tell him that when his family complain to you and not him(because they will, present buying is wifework after all) you are going to point them firmly in his direction.

Pre-empt any hassle, though. Prime his family that he is in charge of presents for his family now.

Despite being in an abusive relationship, this was one of the "wifework" bits I dropped right from the start. I told my ex that he could do his family, and I would do mine. I also told MIL this, since I have a large family and his was small. They got used to small, token presents, and eventually nothing at all, except for his mum. No cards for anyone, because he couldn't be arsed (not even for me).

Your OH will either pick up the slack or simply not bother. Given how he doesn't even bother with you, I'd say his family will be upset for a while, until they get used to it. Grit your teeth and don't waver, because the moment you start doing it again, you'll always be doing it.