To ask if this is child neglect?*trigger warning*

[Bluedoor11]

Trying to go to sleep but can’t stop thinking about this.
I’ve been suffering with anxiety for many years, but it’s been particularly bad since my DD was born 6 years ago.
I’ve been to therapy and I’m currently on medication, but I still have plenty of bad days.
My husband recently mentioned if I’d ever considered it may be PTSD, because of my childhood. At the time I was surprised - I always thought I had a crappy childhood but honestly never thought about PTSD. But this is now playing on my mind - was my childhood just a bit crappy, or actual child neglect?
The context is - 3 siblings, poverty and mental health issues in the family.
Some examples playing in my mind:

• house extremely dirty, I was ashamed of it and always tried to avoid having friends over
  
• Clothes often dirty
  
• Constant fights between parents, particularly about money. Calling each other names.
  
• Fights between my brothers and parents, that got physical on many occasions.
  
• I remember being hit by my mother. Not often, but more than just spanking.
  
• I don’t remember ever being kissed or cuddle by my parents. Maybe I was, but I honestly can’t remember.
  
• I hated weekends and holidays, I just wanted to be in school and avoid being at home.
  

There are many other examples ...
I honestly never thought about it as neglect, could this just be parents struggling with life in general?

[LouiseTrees]

Could be either if they had financial issues. But constantly having dirty clothes, perhaps not being fed well if at all etc, definitely signs of neglect.

[TheSeedsOfADream]

Sounds like neglect, yes.

[Everyonetakeiteasy]

According to the safeguarding training done in educational settings yes this constitues neglect..

[LooksLikeImStuckHere]

I’m so sorry you experienced that as a child. I would also concur that those things would constitute neglect.

It could be that their struggle with life in general caused them to neglect your needs, it doesn’t need to be intentional.

[CSIblonde]

Yes it's neglect. Your basic needs weren't met. (Dirty clothes, no affection etc). There was violence & poverty. That is not normal struggles . The thing is, you think that's normal if that's all you know or if you live around people & families who all live like this. Counselling would definitely help you make sense if it & your anxiety.

[MissMarks]

Have a read up on adverse childhood experiences and watch the film ‘resilience’- think it is on youtube

[Terrace58]

That was neglect and abuse.
Parenting often forces us to confront our own childhoods. You are faced with this little person who you love so much and can’t imagine how your own parents could have acted with anything other than love and devotion.

[MissMarks]

m.youtube.com/watch?v=We2BqmjHN0k

[Poppadumpony]

It sounds like it could have been neglect. It doesn’t sound like a happy childhood and I wouldn’t be surprised if your mental health difficulties trace back to your early experiences, but from what you’ve said it sounds unlikely to be PTSD.
PTSD relates to very dangerous and or distressing traumatic events.

[Italiangreyhound]

I'm so sorry for you. Can you get some help n the form of counselling to make sense of how this has affected you.

I believe that neglect is just as harmful to children as abuse.

artherapyinternational.org/post-traumatic-stress-caused-by-early-childhood-neglect/#:~:text=PTSD%20can%20develop%20after%20a,not%20a%20sign%20of%20weakness.

Yes, definitely neglect. Very sorry. XXXXX

Please seek help.

[notwhattheydo]

The OP is already in therapy.

[Italiangreyhound]

Ah, OP sorry I did read your opening post, if you are already n therapy , is it helping, are you addressing these issues and the thoughts and memories. Or is the therapy originally for something else. Anyway, whatever is the case I really hope you will get the help from your current therapist or from another place.

[Jonoula]

Your therapist will be more able to diagnose ptsd than your helpful husband.

[dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby]

@Jonoula

Your therapist will be more able to diagnose ptsd than your helpful husband.

Her husband has hit on an important theme though...that the neglect she suffered may well have caused the anxiety....it doesn't matter what you call it, so long as it is addressed. The current therapist may not be the appropriate one to do this for the OP.

[dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby]

'I have been to therapy' past tense so it seems it was not even diagnosed that OP had suffered neglect.

[notwhattheydo]

Not much of a therapist, if the above issues haven’t at least been raised.

[user1481840227]

@Poppadumpony

It sounds like it could have been neglect. It doesn’t sound like a happy childhood and I wouldn’t be surprised if your mental health difficulties trace back to your early experiences, but from what you’ve said it sounds unlikely to be PTSD.
PTSD relates to very dangerous and or distressing traumatic events.

It could be complex-PTSD which can be caused by long term childhood neglect.

[Imworthit]

I had extremely complex ptsd.
I thought lots of messed up things were normal and required a lot of therapy in the end.
However one of my phychologist warned us not to go 'looking' for trauma. Get back to councilling and deal with the ansiety. They are there to help you unpack that in a safe way. Don't go asking mumsnet. Goodluck ❤️

[Imworthit]

@notwhattheydo

Not much of a therapist, if the above issues haven’t at least been raised.

There are many levels of therapist and types of therapy not all focus in this way.

[Bluedoor11]

Thank you all. When I had therapy I didn’t really talk about my childhood, it was mainly about stress at work, which I thought was one of the main reasons for the anxiety. In a way, I think I kind of forgot about what it was like when I was a child. I didn’t even talk about self-harming when I was around 15-16. Having a child has brought a lot of memories and feelings back.
@Imworthit yes I think I understand what you mean about not looking for trauma, it makes sense. In a weird way I think that’s why I posted here, because I thought I was making a big deal about nothing in my head. But yes therapy would prob be the best thing

[Namechange8471]

I’d say neglectful op yes.

It sounds as though having your DD has triggered you, you probably worry about being a good parent etc (which I’m sure you are 😊).

However, as someone who’s had countless therapy, sometimes you can end up in a vicious cycle regarding the past. Ruminating on what happened:

‘was this abuse/neglect’
‘was this normal’ etc

Whilst it’s important to acknowledge the past, try not to dwell too much, try and look forward. From experience it can drive you mad thinking about the past!

[LadyLuna16]

The fact that you felt school was safer than home suggests that at the very least home felt like a threat to your system. To spend your childhood in a constant state of threat and high alert would be damaging to you and would likely still be affecting you now.

[notwhattheydo]

Seriously imworthit, the fact that the OP was subjected to violence in childhood, has anxiety today, would never, ever have come up in a therapy session?

[ColdCottage]

Sounds like neglect to me too. There may be circumstances which caused this that you didn't know about - mental health perhaps but as a child that wasn't your fault.

I think it's totally reasonable and advisable to find someone to talk to someone about this. These things can eat you up if you can't deal with them.

Sorry you are finding this painful now. 💐

[Italiangreyhound]

It's possible that things do not necessarily come up in therapy, either because the therapist doesn't ask the right questions or perhaps because the OP has chosen not to talk about certain things. If things are painful we can try and forget them, hid them etc. And it is possible that you, OP have just not drawn connections.

I think your husband has done you a massive service by making you aware that your dysfunctional, neglectful childhood my have influenced your current. situation.

How you and your therapist work things out in future and how they guide you is going to be interesting and maybe also quite painful. If your therapist really cannot meet your needs and help you work through things, please do not be afraid to change therapist.

There are lots of theories around our 'inner child' and how what happens in our childhood can influence us. Sometimes, finding out what might have influenced us can be a big help but it's not the whole story.

I had a lot of anxiety at one stage and I had CBT for it, it really helped. I just really hope you will find the right path through this for you and your lovely husband will be able to support you.