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AIBU? Husband was talking to other women.

(103 Posts)
Whimsicalwhale Sun 13-Sep-20 22:56:21

Hi ladies, forgive me if this is a long and muddled one, I’ve been having a hard time and my head is so messed up with everything going on at the moment.

When I was 7 months pregnant I found out that my husband had been using online dating sites and talking to quite a few other women. We’ve been together for 11 years and I found out that this had been happening on and off for two years.
I found his dating profile and his snapchat that he had been using and I saw some of the messages (he had deleted some before this).
Now let me just state that he never met up with any of these women and it was solely online.
I saw him exchanging selfies and old photos with some girls, he would exchange flirty messages occasionally, calling them beautiful, complimenting their eyes even going as far as to say one of them would have been his fantasy when he was in his late teens etc, nothing overtly sexual that I saw although I confronted him and he’s been telling me more little bits like apparently some selfies that women sent him were suggestive but never nudes, one of these girls he even did a mutual follow with on Instagram, opening her up to the pictures of our children etc which made me a bit uncomfortable.
I found that he would text them first thing in the mornings and before heading home from work, he would be texting them whilst I was asleep and he was even texting one when we were supposed to be celebrating our child’s first birthday. (He claimed he did it when he got bored or fidgety, not with me, just with life etc, but then like I said he was communicating with them everyday. We’ve always had a strong relationship and I genuinely thought everything was okay, I knew he was struggling a bit with his mental health but we were working through it together so I just couldn’t wrap my head around how he could feel okay talking to so many women in the way he did, all behind my back. We have never had issues with friendships of the opposite sex, so if it was just one or two innocent relations then I’d have been fine with it but he really shattered my trust when I found out. Anyway he was extremely apologetic and grovelled and I know he doesn’t do it anymore but he has really done a number on me, especially as this has all happened when pregnant and then with a newborn throughout a pandemic.
I feel like I could have gotten over it but the same month that I found out, he struck up a friendship with a female work colleague and basically since then they message every day, even if they have seen each other at work and now he’s meeting up for walks alone with her and doesn’t see the issue because he’s open about it all. But in my head it’s like he’s replaced all these online females with a real life one (he doesn’t talk to any other male or female colleagues outside of work like this and he doesn’t meet up one to one with any others either) and when even just last year I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid at their friendship, now it is a constant trigger for me reminding me of the hurt and betrayal he caused me and I can’t shake it, I love him but I also have so much resentment towards him for it all and I feel like I don’t have any closure as he deleted a lot of chats before I got to read them so I only have his word to go off.

Basically I just want to know, am I being pathetic for feeling sad about this and not being able to truly move past it? If so does anyone have any tips on what I can do to try and work through it? We have already spoken about it and he knows how I feel but I’m also cautious about becoming one of those wives that restricts who their husband talks to and sees which is definitely not what I want to be.
I just feel so lonely and insecure at the moment.

OP’s posts: |
Anordinarymum Sun 13-Sep-20 22:59:34

I don't believe he has not done anything sexual with any or all of them OP. Sorry I know it's not what you want to hear.
Reading your post is sad because you are unhappy but defending him at he same time

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit Sun 13-Sep-20 23:03:06

He has cheated on you. Even if he hasn't physically touched another woman, dodgy messages IS cheating. Don't waste the next five years of your life trying to fix something you didn't choose to break. Fuck him off x

Sally2791 Sun 13-Sep-20 23:05:11

I’m not surprised you feel insecure. What he’s doing is not ok, and he’s bamboozling you into thinking nothing is wrong.
You can try talking to him, but he’ll just deny and defend, then go underground with what he’s up to. Doesn’t sound good, I’m sorry.

Whimsicalwhale Sun 13-Sep-20 23:05:39

@Anordinarymum the thing is the texts I saw didn’t necessarily allude to anything sexual just flirtatious at most and I genuinely can’t see him doing that (But obviously I didn’t think he’d be texting them either so I do see what you’re saying) but that’s also why I’m struggling because I can’t see the messages, I even went a bit crazy (I blame it on the pregnancy hormones at the time) and messaged a woman he was talking to, to ask but she didn’t reply to me. and I know his work schedule so I can be 100% sure he hasn’t actually met any in person. It’s just hard to move past especially now he’s spending so much time talking to or with this other woman.😕

OP’s posts: |
minmooch Sun 13-Sep-20 23:09:08

How do you get past this? You get rid of this lying cheating scumbag.

Talking online for over two years? And he says he's never actually met anyone? I don't believe that at all. Even if he hasn't the talking is bad enough. It's a big enough reason to leave.

Having walks alone with this female colleague? Nothing going on. Sorry that's a lie too. Is she a friend of yours? Does she spend time with you? No sorry he's having an emotional affair at the very least.

He has and is showing you no respect.

Why on earth would you want to forgive these years of lies? Why would you want to turn a blind eye to blatant relationship he is making with this work colleague?

He's a serial liar and a serial cheat.

You need to get real life support from friends/family who will tell you what a shit he is being.

You need to get proper advice from a solicitor and start getting your ducks in a row.

AnyFucker Sun 13-Sep-20 23:09:38

I’m also cautious about becoming one of those wives that restricts who their husband talks to and sees which is definitely not what I want to be

Would you rather be "one of those wives" that gets mugged off by a cheating man ?

Because this is your reality now.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule Sun 13-Sep-20 23:09:52

I think you need to ask yourself why your bar is set so low. You deserve better than this, he's betraying you with his shitty behaviour and he clearly isn't going to stop. In fact he's escalating. I'm sorry OP.

Anordinarymum Sun 13-Sep-20 23:11:24

OP you know his work schedule ? So that means he hasn't done anything. I think you are making excuses because you are in denial. I think you need to get angry.

Whimsicalwhale Sun 13-Sep-20 23:12:42

Oh definitely, I class it as cheating too especially emotional cheating, the thing is I know he feels guilty but we’ve been together since we were kids and 11 years and three children is too much for me to throw away over texts, I did tell him if it ever happened again I’d be gone though. I have full access to his phone too if I want it so he isn’t trying to hide anything from me anymore, I suppose I’m just struggling the most with his friendship with this new woman, especially now they have arranged to meet for a walk (she is in a relationship herself but a few years younger and her relationship track record isn’t the best) @AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit @Sally2791

OP’s posts: |
Anordinarymum Sun 13-Sep-20 23:14:46

How many times have I read the husband is going for a walk fuck with the other woman on this site

MeridaTheBold Sun 13-Sep-20 23:17:54

You don't love him. You love your idea of him. But the real him is a liar and a cheat who betrayed his pregnant wife and is now trying to gaslight you about an inappropriate friendship. Imagine how less stressful your life would be if you didn't need to worry about his messages, his walks, his friendships. Find your boundaries and, I very rarely say this, LTB.

Happygogoat Sun 13-Sep-20 23:21:16

If he friends with this woman, suggest she comes to the house for dinner with you all. His reaction will speak it all.

This is an affair, sorry OP.

Whimsicalwhale Sun 13-Sep-20 23:25:24

I have seen all of the messages he exchanges with his friend I know in my heart that it is just friendship, they talk like normal friends do and there’s no warning signs for me in that sense. The walk was meant to be with her and another colleague but the girl has Since had a fall out with the other colleague and didn’t invite him which means it’s just the two of them. I have met her before and I have seen the texts of her telling him where to go for a walk, I genuinely know this is all it is and it isn’t a meet up for sex or anything of the like but I feel angry at him for going anyway. With the job he does I can say with absolute certainty I know when he’s at work and when he’s on his way home lol. There would literally be no time in his schedule to go and see anyone else, I do understand how it looks though but please trust me on that, I know it’s never been sexual or in person although yes I do feel emotionally cheated on which he knows and is ashamed with and I suppose he’s trying in every other sense to make it up to me but I guess still overlooking the fact that this friendship brings up these feelings for me so I know some won’t agree with it but I do want to get past this and work through it because to me our family and our marriage is worth it and like I say if it happens again I’m out.
I dont have any friends or family where we are really it’s just us which doesn’t help the loneliness.

OP’s posts: |
Edinburghfalls Sun 13-Sep-20 23:33:18

Hi op.
Gosh, that sounds stressful.
So he isn’t looking for physical fullfilment from these women but something else.
what is it he is after, do you think?
And why after you found out and are now clearly worried and feeling shit, does he need to make a new female friend?
I mean, why can’t he just go for a walk witj a male friend? Or just stay at home?

Anordinarymum Sun 13-Sep-20 23:36:26

Or why can't he go for a walk with a woman who loves him and is feeling unloved and uncared for and needs reassurance ?

liveitwell Sun 13-Sep-20 23:37:49

Why did he have to strike up a close friendship with a woman so quickly? The odd meet up, ok... But texting everyday and meeting alone? Why? I don't text any of my close friends daily.

I would ask him if you can meet her. Invite her round. See what he says.

The real issue though is that he's unfaithful and a liar. Nothing will change that. I worry that you forgave him very quickly for something that most people would see as a deal-breaker (although I understand this is a very vulnerable time for you).

Couples counselling? He needs to own up to what happened and his betrayal.

Yeahnahmum Sun 13-Sep-20 23:44:30

You know what you have to do . But you are not going to as your baby is due in 2 months and say you have no friends or family. So you are gonna stay with him whilst he is continuing to send flirty messages/remain on dating sites/gets send semi nudes (where he possibly asked for) chatting other women up/calling other women his teenage fantasy/ and the list goes on. You say he doesny have time tosee anyone outside of work. But considering his online behaviour, he will behave like this in real life too. Probably with his new found colleague. No time outside work? Perhaps not. But a quick 'session' in the park/car/toilet is easily done op. Stop defending him
You arein stage1 :denial.
When your kid is born you need to think what kinda example you wanna be for him/her. And for yourself. You are better off being happy allone than i agony together

Anordinarymum Sun 13-Sep-20 23:50:27

OP you have caught him out. What would have happened if you didn't ?

I realise you are pregnant and it's an emotional time for you but you asked what people think. I think he is not a very nice man and I would not want him in my life if he caused me to doubt him, like this, in this way.

I suppose you are now aware so keep your eyes and ears open

Whimsicalwhale Sun 13-Sep-20 23:59:43

Thank you @Edinburghfalls He is suffering with his mental Health, he claimed that he needed some impartial and light hearted conversation because our lives are quite heavy at the moment we’ve had a lot going on in terms of kids, finances, family, his job etc it’s been a rough couple of years but ultimately like I said to him what about me, I’ve experienced it all too minus the trauma he’s experienced in his work of course but I didn’t go elsewhere, I’ve just lived with it and I’ve tried to be more light hearted occasionally but sometimes life is hard and that isn’t possible. He knows he’s done wrong, I know people on here don’t know him and will jump to conclusions but he isn’t a bad man, he isn’t lazy, he works hard, he provides for us, he’s hands on with the children, he has always been there for me when I’ve needed him so I don’t want to paint him like this god awful horrific human because he isn’t that, he knows he made a huge mistake and he is now in therapy.

The thing with the female friend actually started as a group thing with another male but the other friends now don’t get on much so it’s sort of separated and he’s gradually started talking to her. outside of the group if that makes sense. I’ve met her a few times, she seems nice and she is a bit of a socialite so talks to lots of people. They aren’t working together at the moment so I guess the walk is just a friendly catch up but still he knows how I feel.
It’s been 7 months since I found out about it and he knows i haven’t forgiven or forgotten, he knows I’m hurt and angry but to him this friendship is entirely innocent/platonic so he doesn’t quite understand why I feel the way I do. Xx

OP’s posts: |
Anordinarymum Mon 14-Sep-20 00:02:38

I feel your hurt. I suppose coming on here and writing it down is cathartic, but at least you know now that people find behaviour like this to be questionable

Somethingkindaoooo Mon 14-Sep-20 00:03:43

Its NOT just texts- its him being disloyal.

FYI, people can be disloyal without putting their penises or tongues inside other people.

Whimsicalwhale Mon 14-Sep-20 00:05:19

@Anordinarymum thank you, I think you’re right, I’ve never been able to talk about it with anyone and I’ve been doubting myself wondering if I was overreacting so it has helped me to feel validated in my feelings so thank you for that, I think that has been one of the hardest things throughout it all so I appreciate that others see it for what it is and it isn’t just me being a paranoid wife etc x

OP’s posts: |
Vector5 Mon 14-Sep-20 00:05:59

Why do you need to work on yourself? Are you the one sending flirtatious texts to other men? No. Are you the one who has now made a new male friend who you text every day and go off for walks with? Nope

Have a really good think about who should be trying to fix things if they loved their OH...

dollypartonscoat Mon 14-Sep-20 00:07:58

"With the job he does I can say with absolute certainty I know when he’s at work and when he’s on his way home lol. There would literally be no time in his schedule to go and see anyone else"

She's his colleague isn't she? He doesn't need to go anywhere else. People have affairs during works time very regularly.

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