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Is this appropriate to send to boyfriend.

(104 Posts)
Lou780 Sat 15-Aug-20 18:13:08

My dd is 21. She has asked me to post this here for advice. It's hard forme to give advice as I was cheated on myself so iam probably bias.
Her boyfriend is 21 also they have been together 4 yrs. Live together for a year. Live each other very much and have plans for marriage.. Babies in future etc.
He has an ex coworker also 21. They worked together last summer for 3 months.. And she now lives 200 miles away for the next months at least. My dd has discovered they have been Snapchat ting several times a day for weeks. Boyfriend never mentioned this. A couple of days ago this girl sent him a ticktock of her dancing.. Thrusting the lotto a sexy lyric song. He laughed it off and says they are just friends. Dd however is devestasted and can't come to terms with this.
She feels it's crossed a boundary and wants him to stop messaging her. He refuses and says she can't stop him having friends and that she is being controlling.
Thoughts please. Dd will be reading and really needs wise advice.

OP’s posts: |
applepineapple Sat 15-Aug-20 18:14:14

Does sound a bit controlling to be honest. If she doesn't trust him though she should just end the relationship

ElizabethMainwaring Sat 15-Aug-20 18:16:39

It all sounds a bit childish.
I'd hold off on the babies front. Probably the best for everyone concerned.

Lou780 Sat 15-Aug-20 18:17:14

Oh this girl has also told boyfriend that he should have a break from dd. This came out when he was questioned and told her that he called tjis girl when they were having problems a few weeks ago. He maintains he loves dd and wants their life together but won't agree to stop messaging girl. He has even gotten his mother involved who has told him he can be friends with whoever he wants and dd is trying to control him.

OP’s posts: |
LouiseTrees Sat 15-Aug-20 18:17:34

Unless she (the other girl) was dancing in her underwear or a bikini or something, she (your daughter) is being unreasonable.

Aquamarine1029 Sat 15-Aug-20 18:18:29

If they are just friends why hasn't he mentioned her to your daughter? The video she sent to him sounds very inappropriate, and he's being defensive because he knows it is. He wouldn't appreciate it if another bloke sent your daughter a similar video, would he?

katy1213 Sat 15-Aug-20 18:19:44

I'd say about 10 years growing-up necessary for all parties. They should all be out having fun and dancing, not living together and planning babies!

Cheesess Sat 15-Aug-20 18:19:54

Your daughter is not being unreasonable.
At all.

Sirzy Sat 15-Aug-20 18:20:09

At most it sounds like the friend may be being a bit flirty, but nothing to suggest he has done anything.

My partners best friend often sends me snapchats. Doesn’t mean anything other than we are friends.

DerbyshireGirly Sat 15-Aug-20 18:20:50

I don't think somebody in a serious relationship should be behaving like he is.

WorraLiberty Sat 15-Aug-20 18:21:18

Oh this girl has also told boyfriend that he should have a break from dd. This came out when he was questioned and told her that he called tjis girl when they were having problems a few weeks ago.

By 'came out', do you mean your daughter's boyfriend told her this girl said he should have a break from your dd?

If so, he's a little shit stirrer playing mind games.

Sirzy Sat 15-Aug-20 18:21:32

And if both of them are still feeling the need to run to mum to be told “your right” about something that should be so minor it doesn’t really suggest maturity enough to be considering children.

Lou780 Sat 15-Aug-20 18:21:45

I hope they do hold off on babies but they say they want one in next few yrs. Dd is starting uni at the other end of the country soon and he is supposed to be going too.

OP’s posts: |
Somethingkindaoooo Sat 15-Aug-20 18:23:43

What sort of snap chatting?

PolPotNoodle Sat 15-Aug-20 18:24:25

Lou780

Oh this girl has also told boyfriend that he should have a break from dd. This came out when he was questioned and told her that he called tjis girl when they were having problems a few weeks ago. He maintains he loves dd and wants their life together but won't agree to stop messaging girl. He has even gotten his mother involved who has told him he can be friends with whoever he wants and dd is trying to control him.

Is there any actual evidence that this woman (not a girl) is actually anything more than a friend though? Suggesting a break doesn't mean that she is prime to pounce on him.

Similarly it sounds like he's being stubborn because he's being unilaterally told what to do rather than because he has a thing for this other woman.

Most tiktok dances are lewd from what I've seen, unless it was a private video just for him I'm not sure it is something to hone in on.

CuriousaboutSamphire Sat 15-Aug-20 18:24:33

Your update makes it pretty clear that your DD is uncomfortable for a reason.

She has been told where she belongs in his life: after his mother, after his friend and after anything else he may choose to do.

Had he been open about it, not has that previous conversation with his friend, eliciting that advice, then yes, maybe your DD would have been a bit OTT.

But he has done enough behind her back to cause discomfort. They need to sort this out before they marry, have kids, irrevocably mix finances etc.

Lou780 Sat 15-Aug-20 18:25:11

Text. Pictures and videos.

OP’s posts: |
MsEllany Sat 15-Aug-20 18:26:55

I would say this is a perfect opportunity for them to go their separate ways.

She’s not happy with it and he won’t stop. So either she compromises and never really trusts him again, or he ‘stops’ but is really just lying about it.

Catseyes5 Sat 15-Aug-20 18:27:35

They’re only 21. I wouldn’t be encouraging my daughter to stay in a relationship if she wasn’t happy with her boyfriends behaviour tbh. Teach her to have boundaries. Sounds like her boyfriend might be getting bored, which is probably no reflection on your DD, they are just very young.

Lou780 Sat 15-Aug-20 18:28:34

My other daughter is 23. She uses tiktok and says its unusual to send one to someone privately.

OP’s posts: |
CuriousaboutSamphire Sat 15-Aug-20 18:32:30

Going to Uni alone could be the very best thing for her. Sounds like they aren't each other's The One!

1Morewineplease Sat 15-Aug-20 18:33:23

There’s a lack of trust from your daughter and rightly so.
Boyfriend’s behaviour is not what a mature adult in a committed relationship would do.
They should not be thinking about marriage or babies with this issue continuing.

Aquamarine1029 Sat 15-Aug-20 18:33:46

I would strongly be encouraging her to end this relationship to live her own life and to figure out who she is as a person. There are some pretty massive cracks in all this, and I doubt it will get better. It would be a crime to waste her youth on this man.

Lou780 Sat 15-Aug-20 18:33:54

They broke up for a few months last year. He was devastated and tried really hard to get her back. Dd is unsure weather to just cut her losses now.

OP’s posts: |
Artesia Sat 15-Aug-20 18:34:33

He has even gotten his mother involved who has told him he can be friends with whoever he wants and dd is trying to control him.

Seems a bit rich given your DD has got not only her mother but the whole of Mumsnet involved...

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