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AIBU?

To be so sad for DS?

54 replies

BunnyTrouble · 15/08/2020 00:46

DS is 21, he lives at home and earns a good wage. He had a long term gf but she dumped him 2 years ago, they had been together since school.
Hes been seeing another girl for about 6 months.
I picked him up from the pub tonight and we were chatting, he had quite a lot to drink but sadly he always does at the weekend.
He just confessed to me that his gf had an abortion 3 weeks ago. He was in tears and says he regrets it. Apparently it was a joint decision but hes gutted.
Call in mothers intuition but I knew something was wrong, hes not been himself lately.
I'm now really worried about his state of mind. He attempted suicide last year and is on antidepressants.
I've told him I'm proud of him and I love him but hes not in a good place 😔

OP posts:

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BunnyTrouble · 15/08/2020 00:48

Is there anything I can say to make him feel better? I'm fully aware he may regret telling me tomorrow when hes sobered up.

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HopelessSemantics · 15/08/2020 00:51

you can't make anyone feel anything and it's better not to try.

Just be there for him and allow him the space to be sad.

Owleyes16 · 15/08/2020 00:58

Agree with pp. Don't try to make him feel better. Be there to listen, love him, ask if he needs anything from you, but otherwise, let him go through those emotions, it's important that he processes them fully and doesn't try to push them away. Ask how his girlfriend is getting on. Support her too, if you can.

BunnyTrouble · 15/08/2020 01:04

Thankyou. I've left him to sleep now.
He said his GF hasn't told anyone and that he went to the hospital with her. He didn't say how many weeks she was.
I'm just gutted that they both went through this alone. The seem so young which i know is stupid. They are grown adults.

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HopelessSemantics · 15/08/2020 01:17

21 is young. I was clueless at that age.

ViciousJackdaw · 15/08/2020 01:28

He's allowed to feel sad but he can't really 'regret' it. It is the woman's choice and her choice alone. Anything else is coercion. As upset as he might feel, a woman should never be forced to continue with a pregnancy that she does not want, therefore the abortion was the right choice. That does not mean he is not allowed to be upset though. I know that sounds harsh and I'm sorry.

At least you now know what the problem is and you know to keep a watchful eye on him. Don't hesitate to make him an appointment with his GP if you feel he is slipping.

DonnaR1987 · 15/08/2020 02:01

If he doesn't feel able to talk, there's a webchat on CALM's website, CALM is a charity for men to help prevent suicide and discuss mental health and feelings etc..

he sounds like a lovely mature young man who supported the ex in her choice. He will be feeling a conundrum of things right now, be there to listen and that's all you can do xx

Honeybeexo · 15/08/2020 02:11

Buy him a pack of condoms if he can’t trust his girlfriend to be on contraception

Medievalist · 15/08/2020 02:19

He's allowed to feel sad but he can't really 'regret' it. It is the woman's choice and her choice alone. Anything else is coercion

What a ridiculous statement. Of course he's "allowed" to feel regret. Extraordinary leap from that to coercion.

I do agree with others op - there's not much you can do other than be there for him. It's good that he felt able to open up to you.

Caplin · 15/08/2020 02:28

Just be there, don’t push him. He can feel sad, it can be the right choice but can stain your life forever, even if it is the right thing to do. Just love him.

BunnyTrouble · 15/08/2020 02:33

I'm in shock, I guess I'm more worried about his mental health more than anything

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famousforwrongreason · 15/08/2020 02:38

@ViciousJackdaw

He's allowed to feel sad but he can't really 'regret' it. It is the woman's choice and her choice alone. Anything else is coercion. As upset as he might feel, a woman should never be forced to continue with a pregnancy that she does not want, therefore the abortion was the right choice. That does not mean he is not allowed to be upset though. I know that sounds harsh and I'm sorry.

At least you now know what the problem is and you know to keep a watchful eye on him. Don't hesitate to make him an appointment with his GP if you feel he is slipping.

Of course he can regret it. What an absolutely cold response. I know a guy who's gf kept having terminations (he doesn't know that the reason she terminated is because she was never sure who the dad was). He was absolutely deevasted and ended up with severe anxiety and depression as well as self medication with drugs and alcohol.
I've known other guys who have been affected by unwanted pregnancy too.
The boy is allowed to grieve, even though it was the right choice. He's also allowed to regret the series of events which led to the termination and he is allowed to wonder 'what if'.
It's the man's baby/ foetus too, and of course his gf going through a difficult process which will no doubt have an impact on him especially if he's decent, which it sounds like he is.
I believe in a womans right to choose, always, but to say he doesn't deserve his feelings and to use the word 'coercion' is downright cruel. This is a young lad, way out of his depth, not a middle aged man using a girl and forcing her to get an abortion.

BunnyTrouble · 15/08/2020 02:43

Thankyou @famousforwrongreason

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flatulencebythebucket · 15/08/2020 02:43

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MrsTerryPratchett · 15/08/2020 02:44

Obviously he can feel desperately sad. Whether that's a 'regret' and whether it's actually a joint decision (of course it's not) is not really the point. Because he's expressing it to his mum, not his GF.

Sometimes there are no good decisions, just the least worst and abortion is often one of those. Harsh lesson to learn at 21.

Let him be sad, don't try to make him happier. Empathy and time.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/08/2020 02:45

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BunnyTrouble · 15/08/2020 02:46

A criminal offence!! Jeez!
For what it's worth he told me they used a condom.

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Geppili · 15/08/2020 03:23

@Flatulencebythebucket What about when contraception fails? Or worse situations? Go back to the 19th century.

NotMyFinestMoment · 15/08/2020 03:39

I think being there for him to talk to will mean a lot to him. A sympathetic ear and to be there whenever he needs to talk to you, lots of patience (and plenty of cuddles and a lot of time) will help a lot with the grieving process. I know this post is about you and your son but his girlfriend probably needs similar emotional support too. Also, I am sorry for your loss too as it was also your grandchild.

Grapefruity · 15/08/2020 05:11

I would like your comment if I could @MrsTerryPratchett

Durgasarrow · 15/08/2020 05:40

Me, too, MrsTerryPratchett.

Goatinthegarden · 15/08/2020 06:06

There are some really hateful people on this thread. OP’s Quite young son has gotten himself into a situation with his partner where they are unexpectedly pregnant. We have no idea how that happened or how responsible they were being, so don’t make assumptions.

He and his girlfriend made a decision together to terminate the pregnancy and it sounds like he supported her through that even though it may not have been what he wanted. Now he is upset about what they have done. He knows that he has made mistakes and he is showing remorse. He needs support, not chastisement.

Angelina82 · 15/08/2020 06:44

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LoveBeingAMum555 · 15/08/2020 06:45

I just wanted to say that aside from the abortion issue I have a 21 year old son who has had physical and mental health issues and I really feel for you. Its so hard as a parent to watch them struggle and know that there is very little that you can do.

My DS needs my support and love, and he knows that, but at the same time he feels that he is a man and should be independent so sometimes he pulls me in and sometimes he pushes me away. Its tough. DS has also told me things when he has had a few drinks then regretted it afterwards and felt angry about it.

This is a big deal for you too, take care of yourself in all this, you dont need all the negativity from this thread, you need support. I guess you are not going to be able to talk to anyone else about the abortion either which is not going to be easy.

DS is young and I am sure he will work this through with your support.
Good luck.

BunnyTrouble · 15/08/2020 07:55

Thankyou @LoveBeingAMum555 and everyone else who has been supportive.
I didn't sleep much last night and DS has begged me not to tell anyone, not even his dad. I have promised I wont.
I feel for his gf her family dont live around here. What a mess

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