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To say my co-workers aren't my friends?

(140 Posts)
annon1368 Fri 14-Aug-20 10:40:34

NC due to being outing.

Since my work sent us to wfh after covid hit there has been an annoying push from our team management to over compensate for not being in the office, they have made a mission to have 3x a week team building sessions often lasting an hour. As apparently, I am the most ‘anti social’ team member (I’m an introvert) I was made to arrange every single one as part of my development plan angry

6 months later I have point blank now refused to arrange any more, I have a high workload and spending three hours a week attending them is bad enough, let alone the time it takes me to set them up and create quizzes, games etc. I am the busiest member of the team and this is well known by snr management, my workload has exploded since coronavirus as in addition to my normal role I am now responsible for our covid response efforts.

For the last couple of weeks many team members haven’t been attending the team building sessions and get no flack, today I have a lot on and have told my line manager that I wont be attending todays quiz, after which she called and moaned about me not making time for the team. I politely asked if she had said the same to the other team members over the last few weeks who also couldn’t make the sessions, to which I got silence.

She then moaned about how we as a team aren’t friends with each other, other teams are all friends and we should be the same. To which I replied you are all my co-workers not my friends, its been 6 months and we are no closer to being best buddies, maybe we are all too different to get to the point of being ‘friends’ to which she hung up and has arranged a ‘performance’ review next week with me.

AIBU to say that my co-workers are just that and not my friends?

OP’s posts: |
paniquer Fri 14-Aug-20 10:44:54

Completely on your side. Work is for work. Anything else you get from it is a bonus.

VettiyaIruken Fri 14-Aug-20 10:45:23

Not at all.
This push in recent years to force friendship is ridiculous.

They are people you work with. That's all they have to be! If you click then great. Of course you can meet someone at work that you becomes friends with (or marry) but that's a bonus.

All you need to be is professional.

There is absolutely no need to purposefully blue lines between work life and personal life.

Cynically, I think it's about making work the point of your life and having everything revolve around it so you put more hours in.

Bigger that. Work is what you have to do to get the money you need to live your life. If it becomes more than that, great. But that's a bonus not the point of it.

VettiyaIruken Fri 14-Aug-20 10:45:54

Blur

VettiyaIruken Fri 14-Aug-20 10:46:36

Bugger

I really need to proof read or turn off my flipping autocorrect

katy1213 Fri 14-Aug-20 10:47:57

Oh, god, I'd hate that! If you're wasting three hours a week on this nonsense - more like a whole day if you have to come up quizzes - then I sincerely hope you are not working overtime to keep up with the real work. Could you go over her head to senior management and say she's stopping you from getting on with the work you're paid for - and then maybe she can have a performance review of her own!

justanotherneighinparadise Fri 14-Aug-20 10:48:43

God that sounds like school!! Where on earth do you work, what industry?

Lelophants Fri 14-Aug-20 10:49:05

Yep I'm the same. I have a young team and I hate the forced pallyness.

Snorlax86 Fri 14-Aug-20 10:49:09

Not unreasonable at all, I’ve worked at various places over the years and some become friends and others are just colleagues. You can’t force a friendship.

annon1368 Fri 14-Aug-20 10:50:11

paniquer

Completely on your side. Work is for work. Anything else you get from it is a bonus.


The other teams she mentions have all worked together for 5+ years and we are a relatively new team. Also they are all older and have kids the same age. We are all different ages and different life stages and it seems they don't see how this will make an impact

OP’s posts: |
VaggieMight Fri 14-Aug-20 10:50:56

I can't believe she hung up on you! Hardly the way to make friends. I'm completely on your side, sounds like a nightmare.

Thisischaos Fri 14-Aug-20 10:52:00

YANBU work is for work and if you happen to make a few genuine friends from there then that’s a bonus. Employers should never try and force friendships in the name of team building.

As long as you make an effort to get along with colleagues, are co-operative, do your job and help out if needed, and are not the office cow then she hasn’t got a leg to stand on.

If she tries to put you on a disciplinary or force more performance measures on you then I’d contact either her manager or HR.

Inthebleakmidwinteriwouldsing Fri 14-Aug-20 10:53:19

I agree completely. I have a really good friend who’s someone I worked with more than a decade ago (and at least one other friend I know from work, way back in our student days). But I must have worked with hundreds of people over the years. You can be friendly and even have fun together at times, but you can’t force friendship!

Ishihtzuknot Fri 14-Aug-20 10:53:48

Agree with you OP co workers are just people that work in the same place as you, I don’t class them as friends, even the people I have got on great with. She’s being dramatic and clearly expects you to do the hard work for their gain. I’m pretty confident quizzes aren’t part of professional working contracts, she can’t force you to be part of it.

Waxonwaxoff0 Fri 14-Aug-20 10:53:56

YANBU. I'm an extrovert but I think this team building crap is nonsense. I like my work colleagues, we get along great but do I want to spend time with them socially? Not really.

SockYarn Fri 14-Aug-20 10:54:46

Quizzes in work time or your own time?

annon1368 Fri 14-Aug-20 10:56:36

Thisischaos

YANBU work is for work and if you happen to make a few genuine friends from there then that’s a bonus. Employers should never try and force friendships in the name of team building.

As long as you make an effort to get along with colleagues, are co-operative, do your job and help out if needed, and are not the office cow then she hasn’t got a leg to stand on.

If she tries to put you on a disciplinary or force more performance measures on you then I’d contact either her manager or HR.


My biggest issue is that I am essentially the office cow now because 'I don't make an effort'

So frustrating, I am the member of the team who always makes the most effort and the second I take a step back and start giving out what I get in - I'm the bad guy

OP’s posts: |
SoddingWeddings Fri 14-Aug-20 10:57:39

Are you a member of a Union? I'd get them onside now and fully informed.

What does your company say about performance reviews? If she's trying to take you to disciplinary, you need to be up to speed on what thy policies are, as I bet she isn't given this is a knee jerk reaction.

I'd also be prepared for her to say this is about attitude, even though she has no idea what she's on about.

Speak to the manager of another team about it? Or HR?

annon1368 Fri 14-Aug-20 10:58:02

SockYarn

Quizzes in work time or your own time?


In work time

OP’s posts: |
Theluggagerules Fri 14-Aug-20 10:58:32

Agree the the forced we are all friends is awful. I am with previous poster, if it's rought up in a performance review I would be going to HR

OwlinaTree Fri 14-Aug-20 10:58:33

You have been responsible for organising 3 social events a week for all these months???

That's ridiculous, it should be shared out.

annon1368 Fri 14-Aug-20 11:00:08

OwlinaTree

You have been responsible for organising 3 social events a week for all these months???

That's ridiculous, it should be shared out.


Yup, it's because I'm the one who needs to 'work on being part of the team more' bs

OP’s posts: |
User563420011 Fri 14-Aug-20 11:01:09

I agree OP.
My last appraisal I was told I was not social enough with work "nights out" etc, which I shot straight down!
I am friendly with a couple of people at work, civil to all, and that's where it needs.

Merryoldgoat Fri 14-Aug-20 11:02:33

YA SO NBU

I detest team building and I’m an extrovert.

My manager and I are friendly and I’m superficially social with my assistant accountant I think it’s more appropriate to be approachable and kind rather than friends.

What you describe is way OTT.

Lyricallie Fri 14-Aug-20 11:02:54

Omg, YANBU I'm a huge extrovert love making friends at work don't mind a zoom quiz but that's is ridiculous. 3 hours a week of activities! We have a 30 mins chat 3xweek and that's plenty and that's a mix of work and general chat.

Also "development opportunities" code for I don't want to do this and neither do you but I'm going to make you and pretend it's good for you.

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