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ABIU? Husband doesn’t want me to go away

(100 Posts)
Fedupofyourcrap Wed 12-Aug-20 14:24:22

All my life my life has evolved around my husbands needs and wants.
When DC were born, he was never home to busy going out on drugs, partying with friends and has been unfaithful.
He used to accuse me of cheating on him
With one of his friends which I know know was projections of his own behaviour but it meant I wasn’t allowed to “go out” with friends as he didn’t trust them. I single handily raised DC by myself for six years with very little input from husband.
I looked past this as we moved away from the area and he improved. Stopped the drugs and cheating and became a family man which I wanted.
However my life still evolves around his needs and wants.
I have made friends online with some lovely women who live around the U.K. they are planning a girls holiday next year which would be fantastic. I have never been away from my children unless I’ve been in hospital or had surgery even then it was my parents looking after DC.
I asked my husband to watch them it would be for four days and he’s refusing saying the DCs behaviour is to bad for him to watch them and that I’m a mother now and the kids must come first.
I’m heart broken, I’m only 29 and I’ve never had a life outside of him or the kids. It’s only for four days... am I being unreasonable? sadsad
I have mental health issues (probably from the way I’ve been treated over the years!) and I was so looking forward to going away I had a actual smile on my face and a hop in my walk and now it feels like great I have nothing to look forward to now.

OP’s posts: |
Quartz2208 Wed 12-Aug-20 14:26:27

let me guess OP he is older than you and saved you when you were merely a teenager?

This is not a good or healthy relationship at all?

BrowncoatWaffles Wed 12-Aug-20 14:27:28

Could your parents look after the DC for four days?

BluebellForest836 Wed 12-Aug-20 14:29:26

Fuck that, dump him and arrange for your parents to possibly help and go.

Feralkidsatthecampsite Wed 12-Aug-20 14:30:16

Divorce would see him having to get his shit together parenting wise...

Fatted Wed 12-Aug-20 14:30:24

You know what you need to do OP. The issue is not the holiday, the issue is your husband. You need to get out of the relationship for your own well being.

mylittlesandwich Wed 12-Aug-20 14:30:24

No this is not normal. You are not unreasonable to want a trip away. Doesn't sound like he treats you well. However in the meantime could your family help look after the kids so you could go?

MummBraTheEverLeaking Wed 12-Aug-20 14:30:39

He may have all the appearances of a 'family man' now, but he's still an abuser OP flowers It may be hard, but it doesn't have to be this way. You're only 29, you don't have to spend the rest of your life with an abusive man, keeping you chained to his wants and needs and drudgery because that's where he wants you. It's no way to live.

Fedupofyourcrap Wed 12-Aug-20 14:30:40

No unfortunately my parents are the other end of the country and no where near where we was planning to go away so I cannot drop them off to them. There is no one else who will have them we live near in laws who wouldn’t look after them over night let alone four days. Yes he’s older, he’s not all bad he’s a lot better with the kids and he does help with cooking and comes to my medical appointments. It’s just every thing he wants has to be done, if he wants to do something and I say no I’m being unreasonable.

OP’s posts: |
BluebellForest836 Wed 12-Aug-20 14:31:44

Can’t you still take them to your parents ? It’s just a longer journey for you but not unfeasible...

Jussayingisall Wed 12-Aug-20 14:32:02

What attracted you to have multiple children with this loser?

Fedupofyourcrap Wed 12-Aug-20 14:33:01

Both children were through the pill and implant that failed. I couldn’t go through an abortion.

OP’s posts: |
SkaraBrae Wed 12-Aug-20 14:33:19

I would book it and just go.
Let him arrange his own childcare if he is so incapable of parenting his own children.

And get yourself some outings alone- hairdressers/shopping etc
If he gets to do it, you get to do it.

If/when he complains, tell him he's a father and his children should come first.

MummBraTheEverLeaking Wed 12-Aug-20 14:34:04

Does he have to attend your medical appointments? Or is it just another time where you aren't out of his sight? If he doesn't actually have to be there, given his behaviour then that's not caring, it's controlling.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia Wed 12-Aug-20 14:34:57

I'd book and pay for the holiday. Then I'd leave your lying, cheating, druggie loser excuse for a spouse.

zafferana Wed 12-Aug-20 14:35:22

TBH OP the situation with this 4-day trip is the tip of the iceberg. You're in an abusive relationship with a cruel and selfish man who cheats on you and does as he pleases, while preventing you from doing anything but skivvying in the house and taking care of the DC. I think you should leave and worry about the holiday once you've done that.

Spudina Wed 12-Aug-20 14:35:30

OP, you are obviously not being unreasonable. He is a a father, so why haven’t the kids come first to him?? Total double standard. I’ve no idea why and how you have put up with this terrible treatment. You need to go. He will bitch and complain and accuse you of all sorts of your return. At which point you dump his sorry ass and go and find the life you deserve. Good luck. Xx

Fedupofyourcrap Wed 12-Aug-20 14:35:48

That’s what I said to him “what about when you used to go out all the time?” And his excuse was well I was back by the morning not fucking off for days! He used to come home 10/11am and then go to bed till early evening and go back out again. sad
If I book it, he won’t be happy and will be like this all the time until the holiday has been and gone. I’m just very conflicted, I want to have friends I don’t understand why I have to be home all the time doing nothing but looking after the kids and cleaning. It’s no way to live.

OP’s posts: |
Mamadoll Wed 12-Aug-20 14:36:07

YANBU. Go on that holiday, you deserve that at the very least. Sometimes you are allowed to put you first, so, if your OH can't even manage his own kids for a couple of days then ask your mum to help out if she can.

I bet he's scared of letting you taste a bit of freedom incase you realise how shit you've had it for so long and not want to return to his highness!

MzHz Wed 12-Aug-20 14:36:18

You’re in a deeply dysfunctional possibly Abusive relationship.

Your children will learn from this, they’re going to grow up thinking this is normal and end up in the same place you are

He needs to either stop being such a controlling prick (highly unlikely)
Or you could tell him how it is, and inform him of your plans not beg permission for them.

If he won’t be a parent to them, make arrangements for family to have them and go

While you’re away, enjoy the peace and start planning to get this man out of your life

He won’t like your friends because the more friends you have the sooner the truth will land that he’s a really piss poor human being and you’re better off without him

Your children will flourish once his poisonous presence is limited to as little time as possible

Educate yourself on what support you could get if he’s gone, look at financial settlement possibilities and how you can stand on your own two feet.

Make sure you’re free by 30. Don’t waste another second on him. You deserve so much better

MzHz Wed 12-Aug-20 14:38:01

If I book it, he won’t be happy and will be like this all the time until the holiday has been and gone.

Book it and tell him if he doesn’t like it he can leave, but you’re going away whether he likes it or not.

Or better yet, tell him he won’t need to be happy about it as he himself will be long gone by the time you go away.

MzHz Wed 12-Aug-20 14:39:57

Understand one thing

Men like him bully women like you BECAUSE they are weak.

I know this from experience

If you turn the comments into him that he has hurled to you in the past he will shrivel in front of you.

Don’t put yourself in any danger, if you fear him at any time call the police and tell them you’re in fear of him.

IndieTara Wed 12-Aug-20 14:40:20

Op why are you so willing to allow his double standards? Surely, being their dad, he should put his kids first too, not himself.

3rdNamechange Wed 12-Aug-20 14:42:54

I'd say get rid of him now , controlling prick.
Book the holiday , would your parents come and stay ?

BitOfANameChange Wed 12-Aug-20 14:51:08

OP, I left an ex who was like this. Spent 30 years with him and I was broken. My life, and the DCs lives, are so much better now without my ex's presence.

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