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AIBU on ex still not having kids

(91 Posts)
YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea Wed 12-Aug-20 11:48:12

Happy to be called out on this as maybe I have lost perspective.

Me and ex have been divorced 5 years since youngest was baby. Ex lives with his parents and he has had kids every other weekend since we broke up.

At the start of lockdown his parents decided they didn't want the kids at the house, It wasn't great, but I accepted it given the situation. Ex is a keyworker has worked from the start which his parents accepted, but yet kids still couldn't go over there. His parents decided they were happy for him to come see kids at my house and take them out by April. This has been the case since then and kids are still not allowed at ex's parents house. I have stayed at my own parents recently a couple of times whilst he's had the kids at my house overnight as I've been so desperate for a bit of a break, but it's not something I really want to be doing.

I spoke with ex and asked him if he would look at moving out for the children and apparently it's not an option (he earns a decent wage, but not huge), I believe he likes an easy life of being looked after by his mother. His parents have said they won't have kids until at least December due to covid, but I believe it's an excuse as they are not hands on grandparents.

I honestly don't know what i'm suppose to do until then, as my life is on hold and I don't want my ex coming over so he can see the kids all the time. If I say he can't see the kids the kids lose out and I get no break at all.

OP’s posts: |
DemolitionBarbie Wed 12-Aug-20 11:52:40

YANBU, they're being massively unreasonable.

He's a keyworker. He's already exposed, if they were that worried they would have asked him to move out. Plus if he's seeing the kids (and presumably cuddling etc) then he's already bringing whatever they are exposed to back home.

On the other hand, it's his parents' house and they get to say what goes on there. That's his problem. He needs to have them as before and sort out where that happens himself. He needs to take responsibility, not act like a big baby.

RubieRose Wed 12-Aug-20 11:53:32

I'm no expert in these situations, but surely this is your Ex's issue to solve? Can you not drop them off as usual and let him get on with it?

It all seems very convenient for him and not fair on you or his children.

EL8888 Wed 12-Aug-20 11:55:07

Another vote for it being ex’s issue to resolve. I wouldn’t get involved, apart from telling him he needs to make other arrangements. You shouldn’t have to move out of your own home -l certainly wouldn’t

YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea Wed 12-Aug-20 12:00:11

I don't think I have much choice until summer hols are over as I need his help with childcare, as i'm working full time and back in the office. I think once summer hols are over I will just have to say enough is enough and you figure it out. I feel I've been accommodating enough. He mentioned he would have to get a hotel on his weekends and hes not sure how he would afford it, but I do wonder if hes trying to manipulate me. He always plays the victim.

OP’s posts: |
YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea Fri 14-Aug-20 09:42:29

Spoke to ex and asked again if he could sort out having the children again anytime soon and apparently his mum thinks it's just too risky until covid has gone or there is a vaccine that we would all have to take before she would have the kids back in her house. Ex won't look at moving out so he won't be having the kids once the summer hols are over unless he's taking them out for the day or staying in a hotel I guess. It's so frustrating.

OP’s posts: |
minnieok Fri 14-Aug-20 09:46:13

Can't he just book a cheap premier inn one or two nights a month, they are really cheap £29 unless you are in a tourist hotspot currently. He could take them away for a couple of nights once a month to give you a break perhaps

Feralkidsatthecampsite Fri 14-Aug-20 09:50:05

I hope his cms reflects you having the dc full time then..

AgentJohnson Fri 14-Aug-20 09:53:10

Let him book a hotel then. If he moans, smile and nod. As long as you are prepared to pick up his slack he will not find a solution to his problem.

Handsoffisback Fri 14-Aug-20 09:56:21

His parents sound like arseholes. They are just making excuses plain and simple. Are you in touch with them? I’d have a good mind to phone them up and ask how it’s any different to him being a key worker and him seeing them at yours?

Clive222 Fri 14-Aug-20 09:59:12

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Illegitiminoncarborundum Fri 14-Aug-20 10:04:18

@Clive222

Are you the ex husband?

Because you're the only one that disagrees so far.

Huhokthen Fri 14-Aug-20 10:08:15

Feralkidsatthecampsite

I hope his cms reflects you having the dc full time then..

This! Update your CMS claim to reflect the fact that you're having the children 100%

Chloemol Fri 14-Aug-20 10:08:37

@Clive222

Having a bad day today? You have made a number of nasty comments on various posts today

C152H Fri 14-Aug-20 10:09:53

YANBU - your ex is behaving like a selfish child.

It is up to his parents who they have in their house so, although I disagree with their decision not to allow their grandchildren to visit, there's nothing you can do about it and, personally I would not engage with them about the issue.

I agree with others who stated that the issue of where to stay overnight is for your ex to sort. If that means he loses some of his income by booking a cheap hotel, such is life. Don't feel guilty about it and try not to get drawn into a debate or argument about it. I assume that, if he's paying rent to his parents, he's not paying market rate (as if he could afford that, he could afford to move out and get his own place); so he can use some of the money he's saving on a Premier Inn.

Chloemol Fri 14-Aug-20 10:09:55

It’s his problem, not yours, and if he needs to book a hotel then that’s what he needs to do

Or go to cms and get maintenance increased as he is no5 hav8ng them at all

His choice

Strictly1 Fri 14-Aug-20 10:11:35

It's his parents house so up to them. You may not agree but that's irrelevant. Interesting that you're willing to accommodate it whilst it works for you over the summer because you're back at work but come September it'll need to change.
It is rubbish and I wouldn't want to move out and wouldn't. I would get him to take them for days out as others have suggested.
I don't think it is up to you to tell him to move out but nor should it be up to you to solve the problem. It's his problem - let him sort it.

NailsNeedDoing Fri 14-Aug-20 10:16:06

I agree that it’s up to his parents whether they have the children in their home or not. It does seem a bit extreme of them, but it’s their home and they don’t have to justify themselves, lots of people are more scared of the virus than they need to be.

The problem is your ex, not his parents. You need to keep insisting that he takes responsibility for his children on his times, and if it means he needs to get a hotel, then that’s his problem.

slipperywhensparticus Fri 14-Aug-20 10:18:36

Clive222

His parents have a totally valid reason for not having the children in their house. That’s the situation. You can’t change that. You just make yourself look like a horrible person trying to make them. How would your children feel if one of their grandparents became ill and died after a visit. They would have to live with that for the rest of their lives. YABU for even considering putting them in that position

The children are less of a risk than the son so why not ask how would HE feel bringing something home from work and killing his parents

katy1213 Fri 14-Aug-20 10:25:02

Perhaps his parents have had enough of entertaining children every other weekend? They don't need excuses.

Huhokthen Fri 14-Aug-20 10:27:28

katy1213

Perhaps his parents have had enough of entertaining children every other weekend? They don't need excuses.

And that is absolutely fair enough, but that means that OP's ex needs to come up with a different solution. It doesn't mean he gets to stop seeing his children.

AmyandPhilipfan Fri 14-Aug-20 10:27:39

I might be totally wrong but I wonder if it’s less the grandparents don’t want the kids there due to COVID and more the dad leaves all childcare to his parents and/or lets the kids run riot? His parents might also be wanting him to move out and are hoping this will persuade him to do it. I would just let him take them to a hotel. If he keeps having to find somewhere to take them he’s more likely to eventually look for a more long term solution.

Zaphodsotherhead Fri 14-Aug-20 10:29:14

My parents used to allow my DB to take his kids there when he had his weekends with them. He would never clear up after them, they'd wreck the house, stop everyone sleeping, make an awful mess, eat all the food - not saying that yours are like this, OP, but do you think the GPs may have seized on Covid as a great reason to stop their son bringing the kids back, leaving them to do childcare while he dosses about, and then leave them with the clearing up?

HugeAckmansWife Fri 14-Aug-20 10:31:19

They shouldn't be entertaining them, the ex should. I think the pp who said he likes his current set up is right. He hasinimsl living expenses, probably waited on hand and foot and doesn't have to do any actual parenting, just fun days out. OP, I think you should put as much pressure on as you can to get him to either move out or book hotels. He is their parent too, why does he get to opt out?

maddening Fri 14-Aug-20 10:32:19

He could rent an air bnb every weekend or take them out for the days, but don't let him have use of your home.

If he won't take the dc overnight then he ups cms.

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