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To tell his new girlfriend

(97 Posts)
Midnightoil2020 Tue 11-Aug-20 01:07:59

Name changed
Split with ex husband 3 years ago. He was abusivw during the relationship I stupidly married him and then we split. I initiated divorce proceedings and during this and after he was abusive harassing me . Police were involved as were women’s aid.
He has a drink driving conviction common assault against me a caution for assault on another occasion and then he has a caution for harrassment / malicious communications, a non molestation order which was in place for 1 year and then he breached it so went back to court for the breach too and got an absolute discharge. I still have all the court paper work , photos , messages on my phone the lot.

We have several children together. Since we split up he’s never had them overnight as he lives in one room. He took them on a weeks holiday last year and spent most of it getting drunk being horrible to them and saying nasty things to my eldest about me. He also photoshopped the holiday documents and put down a different hotel to the one he was actually staying at.

His involvement is to pay me £100 a week for them (this is the correct amount I have checked it online) and he sees them one day a week on a weekend usually between 10 and 6 approx. I was in hospital last year on a day he had them and he refused to keep them a few hours longer until I was home and settled. In March he was furloughed . I am a key worker and work shifts and I asked him if he would look after them at my house during my shifts as their school didn’t have sufficient numbers to open for key worker children. He refused
Said he wasn’t doing me a favour and why should he put himself out and told me to give my job up and if I lose my home they will have to go into care. In the end the children moved in with my elderly parents for the whole of lockdown (he knows this) and they shielded as a household with me seeing them on FaceTime and Skype !

He’s now met someone. A woman similar age to him who has a couple of teenagers ! He’s been trying to goad a reaction from me this week saying he won’t see the kids next weekend as he’s taking her away ! He told my children this yesterday when they saw him. So far all I know is her first name.

I will admit I am a raging ball of anger and resentment and it’s not healthy
I don’t love him and don’t want him back. But the idea of him doing even less for his kids while he swans about on cosy weekends away with some woman is eating me up . I don’t want her anywhere near my kids as he will love rubbing it in my face.

When we split up he caused me a lot of problems. He let our kids down , he’s messed about a couple of time’s over maintenance. Treated them like shit on that holiday sends me abusive crap when it suits him , none of his family have anything to do with me because of his lies (I should add we were together just shy of 20 years! ) I knew them all since I was a teenager. He tried to report me for benefit fraud , tried to have me thrown out of my house and all sorts of crap !

I want to find out who she is and I want her to know what sort of man she’s got herself involved with.

OP’s posts: |
Midnightoil2020 Tue 11-Aug-20 01:13:06

No doubt he’s told her all kinds of shit about me. Two of my children don’t want to go on the visits with him and I don’t force them. I have never stopped any of them from seeing him despite the way he behaves. If they want to go they can and if they don’t then they don’t have to. Again it’s all in messages which is my proof I suppose. But I know him and I know he’s bound to be telling her he doesn’t see them much as I won’t let him and have turned them against him. He told our eldest he’s taking her away as she doesn’t get much time on her own from her children (don’t know what the set up is with their dad etc ) so it’s a break for her. This cunt couldn’t even look after them in my own house so I could work and pay the bills but she deserves a break. I am absolutely fucking livid

OP’s posts: |
PrincessSarene Tue 11-Aug-20 01:17:42

OP sounds like the best thing you can do is to distance yourself him. Just focus on doing the best you can for you and your kids.

Midnightoil2020 Tue 11-Aug-20 01:20:37

@PrincessSarene we are distanced. I have no contact with him. The last telephone conversation I had with him was in March and before that was last autumn. I do not contact him he will message me regarding the day and time to see them and that’s it.

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backseatcookers Tue 11-Aug-20 01:31:00

Don't get in touch with her. It's not the best thing for you or your kids.

She won't listen to you because you know yourself how persuasive he can be - he managed to convince you to marry him even when he was already abusive.

Its too risky to do something that could see him gunning for you.

Write it down on a piece of paper and then burn it.

Don't undo all that hard work you've done to move on.

JuniperFather Tue 11-Aug-20 01:34:23

If you contact her, you will just bring them closer together in a kind of "us against her" pact.

She wont listen to anything you have to say, and will just use it as 'evidence' of all the nasty things your former DH is no doubt saying about you.

Don't contact her. Seriously, please don't.

Midnightoil2020 Tue 11-Aug-20 01:35:58

No I realise it will play into his crafted narrative of me being this awful ex etc. I did wonder about something anon which simply says . Claire’s law. Look it up ! Then it’s up to her. It would / should flag up .

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Midnightoil2020 Tue 11-Aug-20 01:40:12

It’s obviously a lot about my feelings which have come to the surface. He will want to start playing happy families with the kids and her. They are my children not hers. He’s not given two fucks about them and none of his family have about any of us. Like I say I have known him and his family since I was a teenager. Most of my life in fact. It stings. Yes he’s entitled to move on even if he is an absolute shit but to be truthful. He’s not changed. He still pops up being abusive. I don’t want him to be happy. He doesn’t deserve it. He deserves fuck all good to ever happen to him for what he’s put us all through.

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Boom45 Tue 11-Aug-20 01:44:51

My friend has moved in with a bloke who I think (know) is an abusive prick. His ex sounds pretty sound, she's had not a penny from him while raising his kids - my friend told me this because his ex put in a claim in "revenge" for something. My friend bumped into someone who knew her fella's ex and she practically ran away to avoid being told anything about his last relationship - she did not want to know. She's very invested in her new relationship and has her head buried in the sand.
Your ex's new woman won't want to know either. Hopefully she'll work it out herself but it's very unlikely you talking to her will help and it will more than likely bring lots of grief your way. If she asks, tell her the truth, otherwise protect yourself x

OrigamiOwl Tue 11-Aug-20 01:55:02

Normally I'd say just don't get involved.
But another option might be doing a Claire's Law request (you would have to know her name ect) and if it's deemed a risk to her safety due to previous DV a disclosure about his criminal history may be made to her by police.
Not as a revenge thing, but it may help keep her safe as it's unlikely he's been truthful with her.

lyralalala Tue 11-Aug-20 01:55:58

She won't want to know. You'll already have been painted as the psycho ex. Even if she does believe you there's a strong chance she'll think she can change him.

The more time he spends with her, the less he spends giving you and your kids shit. Keep yourself safe.

Midnightoil2020 Tue 11-Aug-20 02:04:11

OrigamiOwl

Normally I'd say just don't get involved.
But another option might be doing a Claire's Law request (you would have to know her name ect) and if it's deemed a risk to her safety due to previous DV a disclosure about his criminal history may be made to her by police.
Not as a revenge thing, but it may help keep her safe as it's unlikely he's been truthful with her.

Yes at the moment all I have is a first name. He doesn’t do social media and I don’t have any of his family on mine. Plus she might not be on any herself. They are both mid 40s . I would have to bide my time on this one. I did think If she has an ex (her kids dad on the scene) something his way anon regarding Claire’s law and who’s around his kids might be the answer.

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BoomBoomsCousin Tue 11-Aug-20 02:04:13

I did wonder about something anon which simply says . Claire’s law. Look it up !

This wouldn't be a bad thing to do for her sake.

I'm worried how much it will hurt you, though, because you'll want to know if it's had an impact.

You sound like you are still a bit invested in him. Not in a stalkerish or wanting to get back together way, and quite understandable given your history, but in a wanting him to make up or get his just desserts, even just a little bit, for being such a total tosser to you sort of way. And that probably makes it difficult for you to get on with your life as much as you could.

It doesn't sound like he is ever going to be good for you (or, likely, your children) and your best bet would be to try and minimize his involvement in your lives to the furthest extent possible.

Midnightoil2020 Tue 11-Aug-20 02:06:10

This is all new territory for me. I have never had to deal with an ex meeting someone else. I keep wondering what she’s like. What her home is like. Bet he’s happy with her and is being this amazing person with her . It’s driving me mad and it all feels so fucking unfair .

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Midnightoil2020 Tue 11-Aug-20 02:10:59

@BoomBoomsCousin yes it’s a just desserts thing. Trust me I have never mentioned reconciling. Drunk text or contacted him or anything since the day we split up. I divorced him and I made sure everyone knew why I did it too after years of covering for him and hiding what he did to me. I am woman enough to admit it’s a case of all the hell hes given me. One of my kids in counselling. Me the same. Another wetting the bed . That I would happily see him alone with absolutely fuck all in a pit of misery. These feelings have surfaced in the last week since I found out about her as he’s obviously smug as fuck about it ! Before that I barely used to give him a second thought. Now I am seething and raging. At the lies that bastard will be telling about me and the fact he will want to start showing off and using my kids as props to this woman. They better both keep away. She better not have designs on playing mummy to any of them ! I am irrationally angry at the thought

OP’s posts: |
Midnightoil2020 Tue 11-Aug-20 02:16:44

He has never ever apologised for what he put me through. He’s abusive about my family my dad being dead and my looks . Tells me he hates me. Has lied to all his family about me. He doesn’t bother with his kids and when I tell him two of them don’t want to see him I am accused of turning them against him . He’s ruined birthdays and Christmas with abuse and shit to us all. But somehow he’s always the victim. The poor hard done by one. The one who falls in shit and comes out smelling of roses. He hates me that much he would let his kids suffer to hurt me. Happy to have seen me lose my job , have no home no car or money and them suffer because of it. And now he’s taking her away as she deserves a break. What about the woman who does everything for our children and he wouldn’t even look after them during lockdown so I could work. He let me send them to live with my parents for months on end and didn’t even see them himself. He’s a cunt of a man

OP’s posts: |
BoomBoomsCousin Tue 11-Aug-20 02:17:55

Yeah, you didn't sound like you harboured dreams (nightmares!) of getting back together!

I do understand why you feel the way you do, but it's not healthy for you, especially since you don't have much power to effect change in his life. Try to minimize the time you spend thinking about him.

FlamedToACrisp Tue 11-Aug-20 02:18:56

Of course you're being unreasonable, but it's understandable.

Concentrate on you, and leave him to spoil someone else's life or learn from his mistakes, it doesn't matter.

The best revenge is living well. flowers

lyralalala Tue 11-Aug-20 02:29:34

Midnightoil2020

He has never ever apologised for what he put me through. He’s abusive about my family my dad being dead and my looks . Tells me he hates me. Has lied to all his family about me. He doesn’t bother with his kids and when I tell him two of them don’t want to see him I am accused of turning them against him . He’s ruined birthdays and Christmas with abuse and shit to us all. But somehow he’s always the victim. The poor hard done by one. The one who falls in shit and comes out smelling of roses. He hates me that much he would let his kids suffer to hurt me. Happy to have seen me lose my job , have no home no car or money and them suffer because of it. And now he’s taking her away as she deserves a break. What about the woman who does everything for our children and he wouldn’t even look after them during lockdown so I could work. He let me send them to live with my parents for months on end and didn’t even see them himself. He’s a cunt of a man

He won't apologise. They never do.

I get why you are angry, I really do, but you need to let this out then let it go.

The best thing for you and your kids is that he walks away and loses interest in you all. Your children don't need him - they have you. You don't need him - you have them and your parents.

He won't stay this nice to her forever, you know that. Just pity her for the fact her bubble will burst once he's not on his best behaviour anymore. You know what he is, you've done the hard bit and you are by the worst. She's got it all to come.

Enjoy your freedom!

ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 11-Aug-20 02:40:55

I really wouldn't bother.

He's abusive and a liar - he will have told her that you're crazy, unhinged, probably abusive yourself etc. SHe won't want to hear anything from you and won't believe it even if she does. All it will do is feed into his power-trip and he will use it against you, because she WILL tell him.

She may find out herself soon enough; but she may not. I have several friends who left abusive marriages and their exes have proven to be spiteful bastards - but their current partners are just as bad, or worse, or don't suffer the same problems as the friends did.

You stay out of it and don't try to go anywhere near her - it will only end badly for you.

user1481840227 Tue 11-Aug-20 02:42:36

I disagree with the people who say she won't want to know or won't want to listen.

Some women would absolutely listen. I know I would. For all we know she's just at the getting to know him, spending time with him phase anyway and she hasn't fallen for him completely.

I think these days women would be very silly to believe the crazy ex story without some kind of proof. A man telling me he had a crazy ex would be a huge red flag. If I did give him the benefit of the doubt provisionally I'd definitely pay more attention to his actions rather than his words. A man who is living in one room who can't take his kids overnight wouldn't come across as a great father to me at all.

Unfortunately though OP if he wants to have her around your kids then you won't be able to control that. I know it's shit, but you can't control that.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 11-Aug-20 02:44:37

And the other thing is that you must NEVER let him realise how angry you are about this.
He will LOVE that! It will feed into his abusive powerplay over you, he will know he still has the power to wound you even more and he will USE it.

So yes, as others are saying, you need to Let It Go or it will cause you more pain in the future. So what if he has another woman? So what if he's playing the charmer now? YOU don't have to put up with his shit, so be grateful for that.

Please please make sure he does NOT find out how angry and upset you are.

Midnightoil2020 Tue 11-Aug-20 02:52:44

user1481840227

I disagree with the people who say she won't want to know or won't want to listen.

Some women would absolutely listen. I know I would. For all we know she's just at the getting to know him, spending time with him phase anyway and she hasn't fallen for him completely.

I think these days women would be very silly to believe the crazy ex story without some kind of proof. A man telling me he had a crazy ex would be a huge red flag. If I did give him the benefit of the doubt provisionally I'd definitely pay more attention to his actions rather than his words. A man who is living in one room who can't take his kids overnight wouldn't come across as a great father to me at all.

Unfortunately though OP if he wants to have her around your kids then you won't be able to control that. I know it's shit, but you can't control that.

Yes but he may well have spun the line that I took him to the cleaners in a divorce etc. Or that all his money goes on the kids. The room he rents is in the house next door to his parents so he may have said he needs to be close by to help them out or some such bull! These people can spin stories and she may be come from a previous abusive past herself. Who knows why the last relationship with the kids father ended. I know he was online dating so he could have met her there. He may work with her. I know none of the background. Not that any of it matters in the grand scheme of things. Let’s hope she has a close relationship with the children’s father as if he’s around on the scene he may get wise to the prick

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Midnightoil2020 Tue 11-Aug-20 03:00:22

My children often quite openly mention the night he was arrested and taken out of my house in handcuffs. May not even take me speaking up and saying anything . Could come from one of them dropping him in the shit at some stage

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ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 11-Aug-20 03:02:26

Midnightoil2020

My children often quite openly mention the night he was arrested and taken out of my house in handcuffs. May not even take me speaking up and saying anything . Could come from one of them dropping him in the shit at some stage

That's a much better solution if you really want her to know. Although no doubt he'll spin his way out of that one too.

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