Talk

Advanced search

Adult children still at home...

(235 Posts)
CornishPastyEater Sun 09-Aug-20 20:57:02

Hi all, my first post and I need your help, please!
Our two adult children aged 30 and 23 still live at home. The older one has a very well paid job but is showing absolutely no inclination to branch out and buy their own home, despite having told us that there are some savings and a very good income. Pays a modest monthly 'keep' but as lazy as anything and creates work.
The younger one's job has gone so is looking for other employment.
Am I being unreasonable to try to make it clear the older one needs to make their own way in the world? I'm fed up with being a constant mummy!
If I broach the subject there's always a row, shouting and stomping.
How do I make it clear change is needed?

OP’s posts: |
Nosuchluck Sun 09-Aug-20 20:59:36

I think you need to start pricing your older DC out of your home. Start charging a really, really high amount of rent/housekeeping.

Lazypuppy Sun 09-Aug-20 21:01:20

Why have you let them stay so long?? Just tell them they have to move our by x date. Rent on own or with friends, doesn't matter but they need to get out in the real world

CherryPavlova Sun 09-Aug-20 21:02:56

Yes, odd the older one doesn’t want to move out and be independent.

Find a calm moment to ask why they are so reluctant and set some new rules around household management and costs.

Sparklesocks Sun 09-Aug-20 21:03:30

I think you need to sit them down and explain that they need to start thinking about being independent and moving out. I hope you aren’t still doing all of their cooking and washing etc?

PatriciaPerch Sun 09-Aug-20 21:04:02

it's the lack of planning isnt it that is annoying, if they had a plan and didn't take you for granted and cleaned up after themselves i think it would all be so much easer

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sun 09-Aug-20 21:13:48

That’s ridiculous. I know buying a house is out of reach for a lot of younger people, but at his age, with decent earning power, he should really be making his own way on the world by now!

My DS is 20 and he’s thinking about it in the next couple of years, which feels right to me. I never thought he’d be moving out at 18 or anything, but I can’t imagine still being a full time parent to him at 30! He does at least pay something towards rent etc. and you definitely need to make sure yours is paying a sensible amount until you get him out.

BrutusMcDogface Sun 09-Aug-20 21:18:08

30!!?? Wow. Are they neurotypical?

I’m sorry but I was seeing a bloke once who still lived at home at the age of 28, and I thought he was a bit of a loser for it. No Independence or ambition; happy to be looked after by mummy.

You do have to ask them move out. Just say, “look, you’re 30 now. Time to fly the nest. You have until the end of the year to find somewhere, otherwise we will start charging you rent at the going rate.”

CornishPastyEater Sun 09-Aug-20 21:20:20

Thank you everyone, you've really helped me - the older one has a wonderful habit of making me feel as if I don't love them and am somehow rejecting them!
I'm totally confused as to why they don't want independence! Husband and I were married and in our own home at 21!
I shall think very carefully about your advice and will encourage an end date for this ridiculousness!
Tough love!! smile

OP’s posts: |
MsVestibule Sun 09-Aug-20 21:25:02

I wouldn't mind my DCs living with us while they were in their early to mid-20s (as long as they paid their way and pulled their weight in the house) but by 26/27, I would be making serious 'er, when are you moving out?' noises.

I know I'm being nosey (although this is MN 🤷‍♀️) but how much board does he pay?

FrodosRing Sun 09-Aug-20 21:27:03

It's not really a problem as long as all concerned are happy with it, IMO.
If you are not happy with the situation, then YANBU at all.

maddiemookins16mum Sun 09-Aug-20 21:31:45

I know someone living with parents still, she’s nearly 41.
Has 172K savings (she told me one night after drink had been taken).
Doesn’t know how to use the washing machine.
Earns 35K a year, 3 holidays a year.
She gives her mum....£50 a month.
Her mum is 66 and cleans in a supermarket to pay the bills.

Disfordarkchocolate Sun 09-Aug-20 21:34:39

Just let the eldest stomp.

PatriciaPerch Sun 09-Aug-20 21:34:39

maddiemookins16mum

I know someone living with parents still, she’s nearly 41.
Has 172K savings (she told me one night after drink had been taken).
Doesn’t know how to use the washing machine.
Earns 35K a year, 3 holidays a year.
She gives her mum....£50 a month.
Her mum is 66 and cleans in a supermarket to pay the bills.

god I'm 42 and my Mum is 64 in FT work but I have adult children! oh i so wish i had 172k in the bank grin my Mum would have KILLED ME

Cryalot2 Sun 09-Aug-20 21:39:22

mine are a bit younger but still at home. One works at home with dh and the other works an hours commute away. We are happy that they stay until they are buying or building.
Both help with housework and buy groceries.
They look after the dog when we used to go on holidays .
Yes we would like them to move out, but when the time is right.
Both pull their weight so it works both ways with us.

Couchbettato Sun 09-Aug-20 21:45:27

I'd be adding the cost of a biweekly cleaner to their keep, and would start cooking only for DH and I if they were my kids, and telling them to buy their own food from now on.

All domestic living with mum services cancelled.

I'd probably be petty and send the eldest Rightmove links to houses that I liked as well.

EmExtra Sun 09-Aug-20 21:46:22

You should do what my friends parents did, they moved to a 2 bed bungalow to help force the situation, 2nd bedroom was tiny and they stored stuff in it too so she had barely any room, it worked wink

Sparklesocks Sun 09-Aug-20 21:49:49

maddiemookins16mum

I know someone living with parents still, she’s nearly 41.
Has 172K savings (she told me one night after drink had been taken).
Doesn’t know how to use the washing machine.
Earns 35K a year, 3 holidays a year.
She gives her mum....£50 a month.
Her mum is 66 and cleans in a supermarket to pay the bills.

Oof!

BrutusMcDogface Sun 09-Aug-20 21:50:31

@maddiemookins16mum

That is APPALLING. What a piece of work she is! shockangry

imissthesouth Sun 09-Aug-20 21:56:23

Bring up to DS that you're thinking of downsizing as money is tight and your not sure you'll have room for him in the new house. Might encourage him to get a move on and buy a house. Does he have a partner?

Completelyfrozen Sun 09-Aug-20 23:18:37

OP, What do you mean when you say your eldest is lazy as anything and creates work?

clairedelalune Sun 09-Aug-20 23:58:28

I don't think there is a problem them living there, but I think as working adults the terms and conditions of living there need to be more defined as group of adults sharing house rather than parent child relationship

Fatted Mon 10-Aug-20 00:00:58

Change the locks while they're out at work

Greyblueeyes Mon 10-Aug-20 00:03:40

Your 30 year old sounds incredibly immature. You need to stop doing anything for him. No cooking, cleaning, laundry. Honestly, I would be pretty disgusted by his attitude. I would tell him he needs to move out.

It's one thing if he's respectful and pulls his weight. Your son sounds like a spoiled child and needs to grow up

Rosieposy4 Mon 10-Aug-20 00:04:31

One of DHs colleagues did actually downsize precisely for this reason, all four fo their adult DC were at home, 1 with a partner and he and his wife couldn’t get it resolved so they downsized to a small 2 bed.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in