Friend getting into contact after uncomfortable last catch-up - AIBU not to reply to friend’s text?

[RangeTesKopeks]

Hi all,

Starting a new thread on the advice of another member - after originally posting this as an update to a thread I’d started ages ago.

Link to previous thread - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2987030-Wearing-trainers-on-a-hiking-holiday-AIBU.

The previous thread linked to was about a trip I went on with a friend I’d known for years and some of her friends.

Since that trip, my friend from the thread got married and I went to her hen do and wedding.

A few months after the wedding, my friend suggested all her friends from the wedding and I have a catch-up, so we arranged a weekend away for a group of us.

I thought it would be nice to go as we had a few mutual friends in that group and I’d got on well with some of the new people in that group who I’d met for the first time at the wedding/hen weekend.

When we got to the catch-up weekend, it turned out when I got there that I was the only one who could make it as all her other friends had pulled out for various reasons.

I was hoping the friend and I would have a nice weekend. However, she was very stressed (high pressured work situation, upset at other friends not turning up, felt unwell - possibly intensified by how stressed/upset she was). She took this out on me by having a go at me and being really passive aggressive.

I was really upset as I’d been really supportive to her for that weekend (eg I brought snacks, really listened to her while she told me about the difficulties she was having at work, I’d suggested potential places to eat - vegan places - which she turned down, so we only went to places she wanted to go to) so I felt really upset.

After that weekend, I didn’t feel like I wanted to carry on the friendship so I just didn’t contact her as I didn’t know how else to end things.

I told my friends about it, as I was really upset and wanted to share how I felt with someone.

They thought ending the friendship was the best thing to do, but understood it was difficult (they know about this walking holiday and about what happened at the wedding/hen do. It’s a long story and very identifying, but involved some of the wedding party and me having to take care of a friend of the bride on the wedding night after she’d drunk too much whilst taking medication and ended up being sectioned at hospital.

Since then, myfriend from this thread got in touch a few weeks ago to ask how things were going generally.

More recently, she got in touch this morning to ask how things were and to say how sorry she was about what happened on our catch-up weekend and that she would like to carry on the friendship.

My instinct now is not to reply, as my reasons for not wanting to carry on the friendship are due to feeling upset at her actions and behaviour over many years, but I really don’t want to hurt her feelings or get into an argument by saying this.

Is the best thing if I just don’t reply?

Just want to share how I feel with people as I would prefer not to carry on the friendship (as it’s made me feel pretty shit at times due to not feeling supported by my friend and due to how she’s behaved over the years), but I also don’t want to hurt my friend’s feelings.

[FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18]

Don't just ghost her, that's horrible. Why not tell her the truth? That would honestly be less hurtful than just leaving her hanging.

[Aquamarine1029]

I would tell her you no longer want to continue your friendship, but you wish her well. Then block and move on.

[roses2]

She's apologised - don't you want you give her another chance?

If not let her know - it was good of her to accept ownership.

[RangeTesKopeks]

Thanks Flossie - I completely agree that ghosting is unkind and it’s absolutely not my intention to be unkind.

My hesitation in messaging my friend is that I’m not sure how to phrase my message to her about my unhappiness with how she’s behaved over the years without coming across as petty, unkind or hurtful.

Since this all happened, I’ve thought a lot about it, and I think my friend has often behaved in a spoilt and self-centred.

However, I think she might not realise this, as this behaviour is enabled by a lot of different people she knows. For example, her parents and her husband, who are lovely and kind people but who don’t stand up to her when she behaves in a selfish way.

I also include myself in this category, as until that weekend with her, I had never ever challenged her behaviour, so she might find it strange why I am just challenging it and bringing it up now.

[vegansprinkle]

I would just be honest with her, that his friendship has felt uncomfortable for a while now, and whilst you wish her well, you wish to leave it there

[RangeTesKopeks]

Thanks Aquamarine and roses.

roses thank you for your post - I agree with you that it was good of her to accept ownership and I’m glad of that. I would have preferred if she could have taken ownership for it sooner though (although I realise you can’t change the past!) I will let her know I’m glad of that.

I’m just really stuck on how to phrase my reply to her, as

• it might be unclear to her why I’m ending the friendship
  
• I may come across as completely heartless and/or petty for ending the friendship.
  

I’m worried about both of those things and am at a loss on how to send a kind message that explains my feelings clearly but in a matter-of-fact, mature, non-petty way.

[Gazelda]

How about saying that you appreciates her message but feel that you've both changed over the years and the friendship has probably run its course. Wish her well and leave it at that.

[Beautiful3]

Just list all the points that happened that upset you. See what she says.

[Pr1mr0se]

You sound like a terrible friend - you've admitted she was stressed and ill last time you saw her. You seem to take that personally and now want to ditch her without any further contact. She needs your support not attitude.

[Luaa]

Some people ghosted me recently and I'd much rather they had told me whatever it was I did wrong, even if they did it horribly. Not know why you are being dropped is very very difficult.

[girlywhirly]

I agree, be honest and say you think there is no benefit to you continuing to be friends, it’s run it’s course, but you wish her well. Block on social media. I think she’s got some cheek so don’t worry about hurting her feelings, when did she care about yours? What’s the betting she has annoyed other friends and they are keeping their distance, so she’s sucking up to you now.

[IndecentFeminist]

Honestly, this has to be something you decide and do yourself. I was on your first thread under a different name, and found it incredibly frustrating that you couldn't decide for yourself so many mundane things.

Your friend sounds bossy, but fine. Not harmful or cruel or nasty, just a bit bossy and self centred. But you don't like her, and that's fine. Whatever you decide here is fine.

[RangeTesKopeks]

Thanks everyone.

[Mumkins42]

I completely understand not replying. If you felt comfortable with this you probably wouldn't be here asking if it's right. So, it sounds like you want to say something and in doing so you will feel better about the situation. I would too. Could you keep it quite simple and brief, something like thanks for the message, it must have been really disappointing for you. If you don't care to see her again, leave it at that and just distance yourself. She will know how she has behaved. If you want to salvage it, you could add something brief such as the experience was all pretty overwhelming for me if I'm honest. That would make it clear you were badly affected, you don't appreciate it and don't want it to happen again without being unkind.

[vanillandhoney]

I remember your previous thread.

I don't think she's been a brilliant friend to you, BUT I don't think it's very nice to just ghost someone. You've known each other a long time, can you not just tell her there's been too much water under the bridge and you can't see the friendship continuing any longer. I think after so many years of friendship, it's the least you can do. She's reached out to you twice now - the least you could do is reply and give her some element of closure.

[sonjadog]

Just say that you think you have grown apart and that you don't want to continue the friendship, but that you wish her all the best. Don't start listing points and getting into discussion. That won't end well. Also don't ghost her, that is a horrible thing to do and she doesn't deserve that.

[Pinklynx]

I find people are often so worried about telling the truth and think it's kinder to not tell someone their faults. The problem is they keep repeating them and losing friends. Surely the kindest thing is just to explain.

Say that you sometimes struggle with confrontation and asserting yourself and that your friend runs roughshod over you by taking it out on you when she's in a bad mood and dismissing all your ideas and suggestions. You find that hurtful and it upsets you to never get what you want because she overrides your wishes.

You can explain that you don't think this is going to change because of your different personalities so you'd rather end it there but wish her well.

If she comes back with criticism or abuse just block her. But at least you've shown to her and yourself that you can stand up for yourself and put yourself first which will be good for you going forward.

[RangeTesKopeks]

I’ve drafted this:


Thanks for messaging. I appreciate you getting in touch though to mention how you feel about the argument and our friendship.

I do miss parts of our friendship too and I know we’ve been friends for quite a long time.

The reason why I haven’t been in touch much since the trip to XXX is because I felt hurt and upset by how you behaved towards me then.

During that weekend, I feel like I did a lot to be there for you as a friend and I really tried hard to listen to you and help you. I know you were under a lot of stress at that time with work. I feel like a lot of that stress was taken out on me though, when I had really tried to be there for you, which I found hurtful and unfair.

Since that trip, I have thought a lot about our friendship. Over the years we’ve been friends, I felt many times that my needs and feelings as a friend were ignored or dismissed, in terms of giving and taking as well as making compromises when we met up. This hurt me a lot, but I didn’t feel assertive enough to mention it for many years and am not sure if you were aware of the situation or how it affected me.

When we all went [on the Lake District trip mentioned in the previous thread], for example, I felt more confident and tried to make my feelings about what I wanted clearer, but I feel like these were often overruled or ignored. This really hurt me, and it’s for these reasons that I haven’t been in contact as much over the last couple of years.

[OldLace]

Ghosting is a horrible way to behave imo.

If you want to discuss the things she's done over the past few years then reply & list them as above & see what she says. She's apologised once already and might jump at the chance for honest non-enabling personal feedback which might help her change? not your JOB tho..

If you don't and are clear it doesn't matter what she says / she won't change, then just reply and say: 'thank you for your message but I do feel our friendship has run its course anyway. I wish you well, from OP'

[OldLace]

x post OP

That is a really good draft !!!
It says how you feel but is not at all unkind, just honest.
Well done :)

[1Morewineplease]

@sonjadog

Just say that you think you have grown apart and that you don't want to continue the friendship, but that you wish her all the best. Don't start listing points and getting into discussion. That won't end well. Also don't ghost her, that is a horrible thing to do and she doesn't deserve that.

This.

[BlogTheBlogger]

OP said in her 2nd post she isnt going to ghost the "friend". Why do people keep mentioning it?

[gavisconismyfriend]

Dear Friend, Thank you for your apology, which I both appreciate and accept. However, I can’t forget how awful that weekend made me feel and for my own well-being I can’t risk being in that position again. Therefore I hope you’ll understand that I think it best for us to accept that our lives are taking different directions and that it is time to move on from our friendship. I wish you all the best for the future. Yours, Range

No point giving a big list of all the things she’s done previously that have upset you, that just gives scope for her to come back and try and justify her behaviour/argue the point.

[Cheesecakefan]

RangeTesKopeks, your draft looks fine to me. I think that’s much better than ghosting her.

[Fiftysixthnamechange]

You CANNOT just never reply and leave her hanging, regardless of her behaviour. Grow up. If you don't want to be friends with her anymore then that's fine but at least have the decency to inform her (as it seems you've told lots of other friends you want to end the friendship but not her!)
Tell her the reasons why, it's not her fault you're not assertive! Behave like a decent, adult human being. End the friendship by all means but at least have the reasons to tell her why.