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AIBU regarding DD's "curfew"?

(183 Posts)
Lobsterquadrille2 Sun 09-Aug-20 07:59:00

DD is 22, nearly 23. Graduated last year and still lives at home, works full time. We live in a converted flat (this is relevant), built 1737 and very creaky floorboards. The positioning of the door means it's impossible to come in quietly and I'm a light sleeper and wear ear plugs every night.

DD often goes out on Fridays with old school friends (obviously this has only resumed recently). No issues there. I also work full time and usually start at 7.30 ish and my (ageing) body clock wakes me around 5.30 regardless of when I go to sleep.

Saturdays I like to be in bed at 10 and not be woken up. Yesterday DD was out all day (fine, so was I) and I had a series of informative texts (unrequired) which finished with the fact that she'd be home by 10. She wasn't, it was about 10.15 BUT she was very angry about "having" to be home, nobody else's parents are like this, they think I'm strict and horrible, I treat her like a child, she's nearly 23, what is my problem.

I have pointed out that nothing would have convinced me to spend a night under my parents' roof post university, but apparently that's unusual these days. Pre lockdown she would have stayed with her best friend.

She's still asleep but that's the worst argument we've had for years and I know it sounds petty compared with some. I don't think I'm that controlling but maybe truthfully I did think that at nearly 51 I wouldn't have this issue any more.

Am I being unreasonable? I could be. My theory is that a broken Friday night's sleep can be made up, but Saturday less so and I have a really busy week. She pays half the bills and does more than half the housework in case it's relevant.

OP’s posts: |
StonersPotPalace Sun 09-Aug-20 08:02:45

She needs to be more considerate and if she can't manage that then move out!

wendz86 Sun 09-Aug-20 08:02:58

YABU. If she contributes to the house she should be able to come and go as she pleases i think.

Morfin Sun 09-Aug-20 08:03:14

If she lived with you rent free I'd say your rules. She pays half the bills yabu.

SunshineCake Sun 09-Aug-20 08:03:56

My gut reaction is she thinks she is an adult but is acting like a spoilt child by having a strop about having to be home. She doesn't have to come home, she needs to find a way to come in quietly, new door, different lock, rug on floorboards. Compassion for mum is being an adult. Not kicking off.

BluebellsGreenbells Sun 09-Aug-20 08:05:22

My 17 year old comes home later!

Drumple Sun 09-Aug-20 08:05:29

I think that’s a bit UR sorry.

(Mother of a 21 and 18 who still live partly at home).

Cathster Sun 09-Aug-20 08:06:37

She is 23 years old, she pays half the bills, I think YABU to stipulate a curfew.

On the flip side, she does work full time so should be capable of moving out if she doesn't like it.

autumnkate Sun 09-Aug-20 08:07:29

I think you’re being really controlling.

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake Sun 09-Aug-20 08:08:31

She is 23! You can't tell an adult what time they have to come home!

Schmoozer Sun 09-Aug-20 08:09:14

Cos she’s paying her way !
If you want curfews give her a good discount !!

Rainallnight Sun 09-Aug-20 08:09:53

I don’t think that’s a reasonable curfew for a grown woman, especially one who makes a considerable contribution to the household. And you sound a bit precious about your sleep, assuming you’re not back in work till Monday.

Have you had a joiner around to look at the door/floorboards? I’m sure something can be done.

Or it’s time for her to move out. If you can afford it, maybe she could reduce/pause her payments to you to save up for a rental deposit?

Hercwasonaroll Sun 09-Aug-20 08:10:02

She's 23!!! Bloody hell you are so so so unreasonable.

fairislecable Sun 09-Aug-20 08:10:32

YABU 10:00 is far too early.

I suggest you replace the ear plugs with in ear pods playing white noise or rain.

Your poor daughter/lodger.

KaitK Sun 09-Aug-20 08:10:34


She is an adult and pays half the bills. Perhaps have her pay a smaller share of the bills and she can move out much sooner.

SallyCinnamon3009 Sun 09-Aug-20 08:10:34

She's 23 and was home 15 minutes late and pays half the bills! If she rocked up home at 2am like most 23 year olds fair enough but 10:15 on a Saturday night! YABU

CodenameVillanelle Sun 09-Aug-20 08:10:35

Of course she can tell an adult what time she has to be home if the alternative is fucking up her sleep. I have a lodger who contributes to the bills and rent but I still make the rules in the house.

I suggest she sleeps over with friends or moves out.

Runbitchrun Sun 09-Aug-20 08:11:07

The fact that she contributes equally is the game changer here. YABU.

madmumofteens Sun 09-Aug-20 08:12:07

10:15pm on a Saturday is hardly late for a 23 year old and she is paying her way I think you are being unreasonable!

Zoecarter Sun 09-Aug-20 08:12:43

Of course YABU you can’t have it both ways she is paying half the bills doing over half the housework and you are treating her like a child.

Hercwasonaroll Sun 09-Aug-20 08:13:11


Who would be a lodger in a place you have to be home by 10pm? Not many people. 10pm is an early curfew. Sounds like OP needs to sort out their sleep.

TooBored Sun 09-Aug-20 08:13:17

10 on a Saturday is ridiculously early to ask someone home by, especially if they are pulling their weight too.

And it's not as if she is coming home with friends and making loads of unnecessary noise.

vanitythynameisnotwoman Sun 09-Aug-20 08:13:25

YABVU as others have said. She's an adult, pays her way, you can't lay rules down for her like this, it will ruin your adult relationship going forward.
You can go back to sleep even if her coming in quietly wakes you, surely?

LadyGAgain Sun 09-Aug-20 08:14:02

YABU. She's 23. 10pm on a Saturday night isn't late. Get your floorboards fixed.

AlwaysCheddar Sun 09-Aug-20 08:14:11


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