This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
To be really pissed off with dh never hearing the kids wake at night and the crappy day(17 Posts)
OK so I'm hot and bothered so not in best of moods and it's 3am and I've been awake since 6am yesterday.
Had got up at 6 collected food Shopping mdh worked till lunchtime then did a tip run.
I did some laundry and general tidy between sorting the baby
Then I went to a family members for. Bbq
I went on ahead as the toddler was already there. Dh was going to meet me there...he took Forever. So OK tip could have been busy but its a 3.min drive.
He arrives. Has food etc. Gets in the pool family.
I'm holding and trying to keep a hot baby cool. Sorting toddlers sun cream, toilet runs etc.
Got to like 7pm and I got a. Bit narcky saying he should get out pool as I've done it all day with the kids making sure they're sorted.
He got out and with a family member joking about saying how he wasn't allowed back into pool. I didn't say that at all I just said that I'd had enough.
Got.home. He held. Baby I bathed toddler (she wanted me to)
I watered garden, washed bottles and did 1.load of washing.
We've then done some sorting together of some bits that we put off alot.
I get to bed utterly shattered as soon as close eyes. Baby wakes. 5 times. Which wakes.toddler
I make a bottle feed baby and put him down. . I go downstairs and think of. I sleep downstairs hell have to hear the kids. Put monitor on loudest in bedroom.
And try get sleep downstairs
Doors all shut. And 10 min later baby screaming. I can hear though closed doors. Yet he can't hear from next room and very loud monitor.
Ive gone up and had a bit of a moan. Because this is every night!
Baby wakes a few times. Toddler wakes for wee or sleepwalking.
I have max 6 hours a night of broken sleep. I'm. Mega grumpy.
Makes me now want to stay in Sunday with baby and he take toddler to family pool and bbq again. But I guarantee he'd say he's not going without me as not fair I stay in.. What's not fair is me doing everything I this heat and on bugger all sleep
When DD was a baby, DH slept through and I woke with every murmur. Then around two DH started doing the night wakings (no more BFing) and I honestly stopped hearing her. I do actually think there's an evolutionary thing that someone feels responsible and they always wake.
But that does mean that during the day, whoever slept sucks it up and does the shit work. Sounds like he doesn't.
I think you need to insist on several days out for him (taking toddler AND baby) or at least him parenting all day so you can catch up on some much needed sleep!
You need to discuss it. It's as simple as that.
Sit down, make a schedule and stick to it.
If he doesn't get up when it's his turn, wake him up.
And don't have more children with him.
DH did his best here but wouldn't hear DD. At one point, we agreed I would have a night in the granny flat for the sleep. I still heard DD screaming and, when I couldn't stand it any longer, went in. DH was still asleep.
It got to the point that once I fed DD and she went down, if she woke before midnight, I would go and wake DH and he would deal with her. After midnight I was on me. (DH was out of bed at 4.15 every morning and gone by 5). It at least gave my boobs a rest for a few hours. DH wouldn't much mind being woken but I did have to wake him.
On Saturday and Sunday mornings he would take her for a walk, even if it was in the dark) so I could have a bit of time with no responsibility for her. He came home each day at a decent hour so would have her in the bath with him from when she was 4 months so I could have 15 minutes in the kitchen to myself. That saved my sanity.
It's only now that DD is a teenager that I can sleep through any noise she might make - even if she is in my ear and shaking me.
There's a couple of things going on here. But the gist is stop putting yourself/allowing yourself to be put last.
First, you doing everything. I won't lie I used to have this and still do a little until I just thought 'Fuck this!,' you shouldn't have to ask but start telling your partner he is on duty for the toddler. No trying to hold baby and do a toilet run. Your husband can get out of the pool and do this or any other family member who is in the area. This is the same for everything lunch is served? Give baby to nearest relative and eat, thirsty? Ask nearest relative to get you a drink. I don't care if people think that's too demanding but it should be standard, family look after each other.
Plus you husband needs to step up. No more DH swanning in and suiting himself e.g. having a quick dip. First order of business is check in with you and see if you need anything. If you don't great he can do what he wants. But you are a team and a team doesn't win on star athletes alone (this being you).
It is hard being a mum of small children, they don't sleep, they want only you, you get sick, they get sick. It is relentless. You need taking care of. Have the lie in on Sunday, DH should be volunteering this...unless he is going to start getting up in the night to breastfeed the baby
Sit down and set up a roster for home duty and childcare. Perhaps if he sees it all in back and white ,he will look at ways he can straight away start sharing tasks more fairly? Would it work if he takes on some share sections of the night , for example, he does 6pm-12am. then you do 12pm-6 am or vice versa? Sounds like he is following mainly a traditional parenting style, where you are by default always the one ‘ holding the baby’ as you are a woman/ mum?
It’s Understandable you are annoyed. The sleep deprivation and constant 24/7 carer role is completely exhausting and so hard on parents of young children.
He needs to step up and share the love!
We came to a very amicable agreement that I would deal with nights as I am a light sleeper anyway...always knowing that if I needed him he would happily jump in to action. Every weekend he takes over with the children once we’ve had breakfast and I go back up to bed for a few hours. I find it funny that he can sleep through baby screams but so can the three year old usually - I think for many if they know they don’t have to deal with it they can continue to sleep which can be awfully frustrating when it’s you who is hearing and dealing with and knackered. Routines and insisting on full parenting helps. Sun cream and toddler-herding in day is his job too! Oh, and if you want to stay at home then stay at home!!!! Don’t be guilted in to going out, it appears he knows it’s easier for him if you are there. Oh, and next time he says in public he’s not allowed to do something say firmly how childish that comment is. It’s not a joke.
What does he actually bring to you and your children’s lives?
I only hear the baby when DH is on nights. He wakes up at the slightest murmur and can't get back to sleep easy and I think I've just adapted to him getting up!
Make him get up, then he will learn to wake up. I went back to work Full time when DD was 6 months old. We take turns, whoever wakes up in the night doesn’t get up with her her the next morning, whoever does the first wake doesn’t do the 2nd and then we swap the next night.
Often I have to wake him up... but it saves me a trip downstairs.
With our other DC he wakes rarely so it’s just whoever who gets up. DD is nearly a year and a crap sleeper, it would have broken me if I got up all the time with her whilst working full time.
OP, you sound a bit frazzled. At the BBQ it sounds a bit like you sat there doing everything and quietly seething, then snapped at him when it got too much and ended up looking a bit unreasonable.
If he's not formally an arse, then just talk to him. Explain that you're shattered and need a day to catch up on sleep. If he's got other family around to help, couldn't he take both toddler and baby to the family BBQ again while you have a rest?
I know how you feel.
When mine were little DH went away to work, and when he was home for days off he expected to be allowed to sleep as he was tired from working !!!
If he can't hear then he should get tested. If there was a fire when you were away then the smoke alarm wouldn't be any use and they could all die. Or, when the baby wakes you wake your selfish partner and tell him it is his turn.
Next time any comments about not being allowed to do anything point out he's not a good dad and it is none of their business.
What does he actual do to contribute to the running of the house ?
Does he slap his wages down on the kitchen table and think that that’s his bit done ? Or does he do any cooking, lawn mowing, childcare ?
You’re talking alot onto your own shoulders, leave the next tip run, make him water the garden and inform him the second load (or all) of laundry needs doing! Don’t run yourself ragged if he can’t even be bothered to think that far ahead
Please login first.