To tell this 'friend' she is stuck up her own backside?

[GingerWomanHatesTheHeat]

Over the past year I've almost lost my life from complications after childbirth (sepsis), developed PTSD and PND from that, discovered my DH was having an affair when my baby was a couple of months old, then I lost my very best friend to the same thing that almost took mine.

If that wasn't stressful enough I was then undergoing investigations for potential cancer (which turned out to be benign)

There are people who have it much worse than me I know, but surely some of that warrants a little understanding as to why I wouldn't want to listen to people moan about minor inconveniences.

A "friend" who knows all of the above has spent the duration making digs and sneering about how I don't "make an effort" to check in with her anymore - when "checking in" always results in listening to her moan about minor inconveniences like how her sister has pissed her off or she's burnt the lasagne.

We live 150+ miles apart anyway and I just can't be arsed with her anymore.

AIBU to tell her she's stuck up her own arse before I block her, which I plan to do anyway.

[LordOftheRingz]

Just block her and leave it.

[The80sweregreat]

Another vote for block and go!
You'll feel better for it.

[Leaannb]

It sounds like you are the one not being a good. Yes you have definitely had issues but friendships take 2. It can't be all about you all the time. She would be better off without you

[Apolloanddaphne]

I wouldn't like to be your friend @Leaannb. Actually are you OPs friend...?

[GingerWomanHatesTheHeat]

That would be the mature thing to do yes, to say nothing and block, but after yet another dig about how I'm a bad friend i have the urge to tell her a few home truths.

Coincidentally, I've been a good friend to her and consistent until everything went wrong on my end. I've supported her through infertility and then right the way through her pregnancy when she finally conceived. I've been a reliable sounding board for years. A free counsellor almost.

[GingerWomanHatesTheHeat]

@Leaannb

It sounds like you are the one not being a good. Yes you have definitely had issues but friendships take 2. It can't be all about you all the time. She would be better off without you

It is never about me. I chose not to offload all of my problems onto her as I don't like to be a burden.

Not once have I offloaded about how stressed/depressed/worried I've been.

She only knows about all of these things as I've explained them to her to reassure her that I'm not being ignorant, I'm dealing with some stuff and we will catch up when I'm back in a good state of mind.

[Pesimistic]

Ah lifes to short to have people around that make you feel crap, if you want to say something before you block go for it, of you dont then doesnt matter either way.

[Mixingitall]

I think I wouldn’t let the friendship go but perhaps as a response to this or the next dig, summarise what you have written in your OP? Friendships change, lots of mine changed after I had dc1, also as a parent I have time to listen but not to extensive moaning about non issues. Time socialising needs to be positive. I also stopped calling people for a catch up chat! If she values you as a friend she will understand.

[ifIwerenotanandroid]

Some people just want everything going their way, & as long as you're giving & they're taking, they're happy. And we can assume that they'd reciprocate if it was the other way round. Then something changes & - bingo! - it turns out that they have no intention of reciprocating & presumably never did have.

I had someone in the family like this (same generation). After decades of emotional & low-level financial support from me, she didn't even reply when I told her about my serious diagnosis, & when I re-sent the email, she coldly said yes, she saw it the first time but she'd been rather busy.

After a lot more like that, she's no longer in my life.

[user1471457751]

Does she know about everything you've gone through? You say you don't offload on her so if you haven't told her it's unfair to expect her to know.

[GingerWomanHatesTheHeat]

I don't think she does value me as a friend and that's why I no longer value her as mine.

She called me for a chat when I got out of hospital and it was lovely to hear from her at first but after the polite "how are you doing?" she then spent the rest of the call moaning about her partners ex, the child not listening, she's so pissed off etc.

When my husband had an affair and I was trying to come to terms with that, she's going on about "I'd kill mine if he ever did that, you don't reckon he would do you? I don't think so. We're happy" etc

[ifIwerenotanandroid]

PS Should've said, I'm sorry for all the things you've been through, OP.

[GingerWomanHatesTheHeat]

@user1471457751

Does she know about everything you've gone through? You say you don't offload on her so if you haven't told her it's unfair to expect her to know.

She knows it all yes, she's a family friend.

[Millie2013]

Ditch her, she sounds parasitic and you deserve better

[GingerWomanHatesTheHeat]

Ifiwere, I'm so sorry to hear that - what an absolute cow they are

[Pinktruffle]

I'd tell her how I felt and then block her. I have had a situation with an ex-friend of mine and it still bothers me nearly 2 years later that we have stopped speaking but I never got to tell her why and make her aware that she has been a shitty friend

[ifIwerenotanandroid]

@GingerWomanHatesTheHeat

I don't think she does value me as a friend and that's why I no longer value her as mine.

She called me for a chat when I got out of hospital and it was lovely to hear from her at first but after the polite "how are you doing?" she then spent the rest of the call moaning about her partners ex, the child not listening, she's so pissed off etc.

When my husband had an affair and I was trying to come to terms with that, she's going on about "I'd kill mine if he ever did that, you don't reckon he would do you? I don't think so. We're happy" etc

Sorry to say, it does sound like anyone would do, as long as they'll listen to her.

Time to find someone who does value you.

[Confusedismyname]

I’m a lot happier since I no longer have contact with a toxic friend.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

God, well, 2020 has shat on all of us but my God did it kick you when you were down as well. I'm so sorry. If she's usually nice and you value her friendship you could talk to her about it and see what she says. You certainly don't owe her anything though so if you don't want to, you're not obliged. I find it hard to believe she's been lovely before if she really could be like this now.

[ifIwerenotanandroid]

@GingerWomanHatesTheHeat

Ifiwere, I'm so sorry to hear that - what an absolute cow they are

Cheers! It was as well I found out, though it hurt like hell at the time. I was gobsmacked, as I thought we were close & as I say, I assumed that she'd be there for me if I ever needed her. I honestly thought that I was only doing all the running because she'd needed such a lot over the years, & that it would work either way round.

[Nackajory]

Of course YANBU. You've been through a lot, don't waste your energy on a toxic friend.

[GingerWomanHatesTheHeat]

I shan't miss her, I'm an introvert for the most part and I'm not one for aimless text tennis.

I'm going to send a message this evening and be done with it, it has been a long time coming.

Yes to "anybody will do as long as they listen to her" that is exactly right.

[GingerWomanHatesTheHeat]

How are you now @ifIwerenotanandroid
? I hope you're ok / as well as possible. I also hope you have others in your life who are more supportive and deserving of your time.

[Cam2020]

If you feel that the amount of giving and understanding in the friendship is one sided, then cool off a bit. Mute WhatsApp, unfollow on FB, don't pick up the phone etc.

You've had a terrible time and while some people think they're sympathetic, they have no clue. To them, their woes are still the be-all and end-all. It's not deliberate, but you'd hope a good friend would have more empathy. In my expeirence, going through something really awful shows your friends for who they are and tests just how much of a friend they are - and I've had a couple of disappointing surprises.

People don't know how awful something is until they live it.

[rwalker]

Please just block and ignore if you send her any message she will no doubt spin it to be the injured party .
More drama will follow.
Just fuck her off people like her are generally that self absorbed they don't even realise you have fallen out with them.