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In thinking this isn't normal?

(81 Posts)
Minkyscamp Fri 07-Aug-20 15:48:02

Discussion with my mum earlier trying to arrange a bbq for this weekend after not having spoken to her for a few days:

Mum: shall we do Saturday or Sunday?
Me: Sunday would be better as I have to take DS to the hospital on Saturday. He was in A&E yesterday with a problem with his foot, and they want to see him again tomorrow - no idea how long that will take.
Mum: ok, Sunday then. How much chicken shall I bring?

Then the conversation continued about the bbq and that was it. No 'Oh I hope he's ok now?' or what was wrong?'. She has no natural empathy at all ( or interest in her grandkids for that matter). It's been an ongoing gripe, but this really pissed me off.

It's not normal is it?

OP’s posts: |
TeenPlusTwenties Fri 07-Aug-20 15:51:17

To be fair, you only told her as a passing comment...

MaskingForIt Fri 07-Aug-20 15:52:55

She might just be focused on sorting out the BBQ arrangements at the moment. Later she might be kicking herself that she didn’t ask.

Maybe she assumes you’ll tell her if it is anything serious and doesn’t want to bother you.

Maybe you’re one of those people who is always going on about trivial medical things and she is trying not to feed into your hypochondria.

BlueJava Fri 07-Aug-20 15:54:06

She was focusing on the arrangement not on your explanation.

CuriousaboutSamphire Fri 07-Aug-20 15:54:10

To be fair, I don't know you and I would have asked how he was and wished you well tomorrow, it's almost a kneejerk reaction of politeness isn't it?

If a stranger thinks they'd say something it is odd, disapointing that a grandparent didn't!

I guess all you can do is lower your expectations of her. It does help, once you get used to doing it!

Spinakker Fri 07-Aug-20 15:54:55

Yanbu. My mum can be the same. It's basically invalidating you. You don't feel heard with these kind of people. Don't take it to heart she will never change!

Minkyscamp Fri 07-Aug-20 15:56:28

@masking why would it bother me to tell her when we were already having a conversation on the phone?

And I'm not sure I understand the hypochondria suggestion, if it were about me then maybe, but it was my son?

Maybe it's just me. If someone (even someone I didn't know that well) said they had to take a child to A&E, I wouldn't dream of not asking whether they are ok.

OP’s posts: |
Lougle Fri 07-Aug-20 15:56:50

I would have started with the news about my DS, tbh. Perhaps, as you told her that he had a problem with his foot and they wanted to see him again, she thought that you'd told her everything you know.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite Fri 07-Aug-20 15:57:42

From the way you've worded it here you've made it sound incidental to your conversation so maybe that is why she didn't ask about it.
If it was something to worry about I'd have expected you to raise it as a concern.

Minkyscamp Fri 07-Aug-20 15:58:46

@samphire exactly that. It would just be a natural reaction.

OP’s posts: |
FourPlasticRings Fri 07-Aug-20 15:59:49

Weird answers thus far, OP. I'd expect everyone to respond to that revelation with some variant of, 'Oh no, what happened/how is he?' To skip over it like she did is fairly bizarre.

ScorpioSphinxInACalicoDress Fri 07-Aug-20 16:02:28

Hadn't you already told the child's grandmother he'd needed to be taken to hospital with his foot at the beginning of the conversation? That would be more usual than casually throwing it in along with how many buns everyone is bringing.

ScorpioSphinxInACalicoDress Fri 07-Aug-20 16:05:01

You know
Hello daughter,
Hello Mum, guess what, had to take Ernie to A&E with his foot

Rather than
Hello daughter
Hello Mum
So BBQ on Saturday or Sunday?
Well, got to take Ernie back to hospital tomorrow so Sunday is best.

The second conversation is pretty weird tbh.

MaskingForIt Fri 07-Aug-20 16:06:08

Hypochondria-by-proxy then. If you’re always going on about health problems, she probably fednup of hearing about it and doesn’t want to encourage you.

Bbq1 Fri 07-Aug-20 16:08:15

Tbh it sounds like you don't have a close relationship with your mum. Unfortunately, you said she already has form for this so she's purely reverting to type. Secondly, if it were me I would have phoned my mum after I got back from a& or the next day to tell her. You threw it in during a discussion about a barbecue. If she didn't respond you should have told what had happened in more detail or better still opened the conversation with it. It's very sad your mum has no concern or empathy for her gc but she won't change now.

Bbq1 Fri 07-Aug-20 16:09:07

Hope your ds is ok

Royalbiscuit Fri 07-Aug-20 16:11:40

Agree it's weird you didnt tell her yesterday when he was in hospital. People who casually drop big things into general conversation so you have to do all the asking are tedious.
Also why are you bbqing with your mum if you dont like her (for want of a better phrase)?

oceanbreezy Fri 07-Aug-20 16:22:59

When I read the convo I didn’t see anything wrong with it. Perhaps she thought she would’ve asked more about it when you would see her at the bbq? Having to go back to the hospital the next day doesn’t seem like it’s an emergency. But I see why you’re upset

MikeUniformMike Fri 07-Aug-20 16:23:34

Maybe she is hard of hearing.

ErickBroch Fri 07-Aug-20 16:23:59

Ugh, personally I hate it when people do that. Like, if you want to talk about it then talk about it. Can't stand the whole dropping snippets hoping people will ask. I wouldn't think it was serious if you just mentioned it like that.

Gomezzz Fri 07-Aug-20 16:28:21

It's weird not to ask more/ask how he was but equally weird to drop it into the conversation like you did I think.

Minkyscamp Fri 07-Aug-20 16:29:22

To all the posters telling me how tedious I am for dropping it in as a 'snippet' rather than bringing it up at the beginning of the conversation - I was a bit bombarded by her calling me to say that our previous plans for a picnic with my brother on Sunday were cancelled as she felt it would be too hot. She was talking about a bbq at mine instead which would be preferable in her view. I didn't get much of a chance to get a word in until it came up in response to her question as to which day to go for.

As for the insistence of one PP that I'm a hypochondriac by proxy because I dared to mention my son had to go back to hospital on Saturday, which was an essential bit of info in the circumstances, that's just plain weird.

Anyway, clearly it's me thats strange. I'm now justifying myself to strangers on a chat forum and feeling even more shit about a situation that had already left me feeling pretty rubbish.

Thanks to the few that have made helpful comments.

OP’s posts: |
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland Fri 07-Aug-20 16:30:45

Whenever my kids have had to go hospital I've almost always text mum saying something like "God you wont believe where I am...a&e because x/y/z happened"

damnthatanxiety Fri 07-Aug-20 16:34:13


She might just be focused on sorting out the BBQ arrangements at the moment. Later she might be kicking herself that she didn’t ask.

Maybe she assumes you’ll tell her if it is anything serious and doesn’t want to bother you.

Maybe you’re one of those people who is always going on about trivial medical things and she is trying not to feed into your hypochondria.

Weirdest last sentence ever. Hospitals don't usually call back people with fake problems.

BilboBercow Fri 07-Aug-20 16:37:25

It sounds like you've dropped it into the conversation like that as a test. If it's important, say it's important.

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