Huge row with mum on holiday

[Hopscotch27]

I booked a 10 day holiday for me, DS 1, DS2, DH & my mum, to the Isle of Wight. All has been well & good.......I had planned days out & pre-booked attractions. One of the days I wanted to do with DS 1 (who’s 6) is to take him to Blackgang Chine. I was hoping one of the other adults (either DH or Mum) would have DS2 for the day, (he’s 20 months) back at the resort, where he would have been perfectly happy taking it easy, playing in the on-site playground, having his lunchtime snooze, paddling in the sea. I wanted to spend just one day with the older son, without having to run around after a rampant toddler. I hadn’t booked this attraction in advance. I was waiting to have a conversation around it.

So yesterday we talked. Mum clearly wanted to go herself, & somehow managed to convince me we should ALL go so I booked tickets for everyone. This morning I woke up with baby early, I said to mum that I’d stay on-site with baby as I was tired, he hadn’t slept well & I would rather him have quiet day just being in his normal routine.

I said her and DH could take DS1 as if baby came along too I’d find it hard to go on the rides/dedicate one-to one time with the older one. Even if someone else looked after baby whilst we were there I’d be conscious of wanting to feed him at the right time, settle him in the buggy for his kip etc etc. Just mummy mode really and i’d still be focused more on baby at those times than the older one.

Ultimately I just wanted the older one to have a good day and so I thought if the other two adults took him & I stayed back that would work out. It wasn’t what I had planned & I was a bit frustrated that my idea had been vetoed but I was prepared to scrap my plan to be with DS1 to give baby a restful day & ensure DS1 had a fun day.

Well mum just blew up. She said “so you’re changing everything at the last minute,” & “I can look after the baby, I know how to look after babies,” & “I’m angry at you for ruining this,” (which really fucking pissed me off as she wouldn’t even be on holiday had it not been for me.) Then she said “I’m not having it, we’re all going, I’m really angry at you for doing this.”

She was super-cross. I felt like I was under attack! So I just said to her that I thought she had issues! And that she was edging for a row, to which she replied “I am! With you.”

So long story short, we all ended up going, baby fell asleep in the car 5 mins from the destination and I’m now sat in the car with baby whilst they’ve both fucked off into the Park with DS1. And I’m bloody livid. And a bit sad. AIBU to feel like this? I don’t ever get a break from being with baby, I just wanted one fucking day with the other son & I feel I’ve been completely vetoed by my mum who’s put her wants & needs above everyone else’s. FFS

[MonicaGellerBing]

Why couldn't your husband stay with the baby in the car?

[TokyoSushi]

Hard to tell, but it looks like you were maybe being a bit of a martyr and took the like of sulkily staying at home because you hand;t go the day out that you planned.

I would have put the 20-month-old in a buggy and carried on rather than sitting in the car.

I may have misread the situation completely but that's how it comes across from your post.

I think you;re just going to have to make the best of it or you'll just end up ruining the day fro yourself.

[TokyoSushi]

Sorry, full of typos but you get the idea!

[Feralkidsatthecampsite]

Why didn't you just put toddler on the buggy and go?

[Fanthorpe]

Adults shouldn’t be losing their tempers over arrangements like that, I know they do, but they shouldn’t. Is she like this often, using anger to control the situation?
Did you spell out what you wanted to happen, or did you just hope they’d see? What does your DH say?

[mrsBtheparker]

Why are you having to sit in the car with the baby? Can't you put him into his buggy or whatever, he could continue to sleep there.

[FlibbertyGiblets]

Well yes, daddy stays with baby is the obvious solution. Did you refuse to countenace the opportunity to do exactly what you had planned? (btdt, been a ridiculous mummy martyr myself, aaargh)

Once baby awake trot on in to join them, don't let a bad start spoil the whole day.

[Nanasueathome]

I wouldn’t get too worked up about missing out on Blackgang Chine
Robin Hill country park is so much better

[adulthumanwoman]

I can't make any sense of what you're saying. If you wanted to stay because routine is v important to you why did you go?
Then if he fell asleep why not pop him in buggy or ask DJ to stay with him?
In fact why couldn't DH stay at home with ds1 and you and your mum hsve the day out?
It's a storm in a tea cup. Why are you all trying to control each other?

[piscean10]

Why couldnt you all just go and your dh take over when you wanted to do something with ds1? I dont see why anyone needed to stay back when there were 3 adults there?
OTOH if my dm spoke to me like this on a holiday she should be lucky to have been invited to, I would have told her that this is the last one she will be ever joining.

[Waveysnail]

Well you did chnage plans last minute. You seem to have the all planned in your head but havnt actually told anyone else. You booked tickets for everyone then changed your mind. If I was your mum I'd be a bit cross

[Greysparkles]

Why are you sitting in the car?
Do you not have a buggy?

[OldEvilOwl]

Why didnt you just put the baby in the buggy and join them? Sitting in the car sulking is pointless

[UnfinishedSymphon]

Not sure what you're problem is, you wanted to go but then seemed to decide otherwise when everyone else wanted to go, despite you booking tickets for everyone. You then flounced and decided you didn't want to go.

I'm not surprised your mum had a go at you, sounds like you don't know what you want. Why you all couldn't have gone with the baby in it's buggy is beyond me

[UnfinishedSymphon]

*your

[Chantelli]

I don't understand why you didn't leave your baby at the site with your mum as planned.
You've been rail roaded and your mum sounds like an aggressive nightmare with her own issues and a twat to go on holiday with. Deep breaths get the baby out and go and enjoy bgc it's gorgeous with great views.

Don't invite your mum on holiday again she's clearly no help.

[Elastins]

Im saying this and I hope you take it in the nicest possible way rather than someone having a pop because clearly things are a bit fraught, but honestly, you sound like you’re martyring yourself here, both regularly and in this specific instance, and it sounds like your mum is utterly frustrated with it.

[Pebblexox]

I'm a bit confused.
Surely with 3 adults to 2 children there would always be somebody with the little one.
Why couldn't your dh watch 20 month old so you could go on rides? Do you not have a buggy?
I get that your mum went off a bit too much over it, but it sounds like you had a nice family day planned and the morning of you decided you couldn't go because of baby. I'd also be annoyed in that situation, knowing their are plenty of adults to help out with little one.

[Cadent]

Well mum's a bitch, isn't she? Fuck inviting her on any other holidays, she can go on her own next time!

Stop being her door mat OP. Does she always treat you like this?

And also ensure you get quality time with DS1 by leaving baby with DH regularly.

[RJnomore1]

So you have two parents (you and your husband)

Two children one of which is buggy sized

And you can’t manage a day out without your mother taking over looking after one child? My mind boggles at how you survive day to day life.

What IS your husband’s role with the children? Why does your mother have to do it? It’s all very odd. Are there issues you haven’t mentioned?

[MrsSpookyM]

Why didn't you just tell DH in advance of the plan and ask that he stayed with DS2 for the day?

[Villanemme]

So you obviously wanted someone at home to look after the baby. Did you actually say this though? Why isn't your dh taking the baby and staying behind? (if that's necessary). Speak up and say what you want and never be a martyr (oh no, don't worry, I'll do it etc) because that will become the norm. Just put the baby in the buggy and take it in turns to watch him while the others are on the rides. All want to go on a particular ride with ds? Go on multiple times. He'll love it. Make peace with your mum and don't let it ruin the holiday. Have fun, it's HOT today. Chill out on the beach later and remember this is not just your baby, it's dh's baby too. It's not just dh's holiday, it's your holiday too.

[Ellisandra]

Your problem is “mummy mode” - or “martyr mode”. He’s 20 months! His dad can sort out his feeds and his kip. You can’t complain that you can’t focus on the older child, when it’s your choice to focus on the younger one.

You could have had a lovely day with your 6yo, with the younger one asleep for some of it in the pram, and attended to by his dad or grandmother when awake.

I think it’s horrible that it turned into a row, with fault on your mother’s side too, definitely. But if you didn’t want to change it to the whole family going, why did you? If you thought your mum wanted to go, why not take her and leave your husband parenting his younger child?

I’m sensing a husband problem anyway... you never get a break from the baby, and on a day when you said you wanted to be with the older child, he’s just fucked off and left you in the car? 😳

Is he a selfish prick, or are you a martyr who “made” him go?

[TheTigerWho]

I don't think I'd like someone I was on holiday with to talk to me like she did. I think holidays with extended family can be a bit hit or miss. I think sometimes GPs want to come and have an actual holiday and forget that the kids need to be worked around a bit. Your DH couldn't have stood up for you really as it is his MIL. I don't think YABU though. I'm sorry you're stuck on holiday with someone who gave you such a telling off about you deciding what to do for your young DC....

Disclaimer: my mum is long dead, before we had dcs, so I have no idea how this relationship really works, so I may be talking absolute shite!

[NeutralJanet]

I think its a bit weird that you would go on a family holiday and want to leave DS2 out of a day out, he's almost 2 he's not a tiny baby, I'm sure there will be things he can enjoy at the theme park once he's awake and you can swap around with the other adults to get some quality time going on rides and stuff with DS1. DS2 will survive being flexible with his routine for one day.