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DH wants us to move because of neighbour.s.

(133 Posts)
Yantmu Fri 07-Aug-20 09:23:36

We have lived in our house for 13 years. New neighbours moved in two doors away about a year ago and have steadily become more and more disruptive. Most recent activity is that they have a scrambler bike which they are riding up and down the garden at various times throughout the day. They have two dogs who get very distressed when they do this and bark a lot. We put in a complaint to the council a while ago because they were playing music in the garden at crazy loud levels all day every day. The council wrote to them and they have stopped the music but now it's the bike.
For some time DH has been suggesting that we move because of these neighbours but I have just been ignoring what he says because I thought he was joking (he says a lot of stuff in anger that he doesn't mean). Last night he properly lost it and said he was going to move out on his own because he can't take it any more. Then he started furiously booking shifts at work saying that he might as well just stay at work because he can't stand being at home (because of the neighbours).
We have spoken about moving in the past and if we moved, the plan was to move to the country between 1 and 2 hours drive away from where we are now and to do it at a time which would be least disruptive to the DS's (when DS1 starts A-levels and DS2 starts secondary school). Moving house entails a lot more for me and the kids than it does for him. He will keep his job and potentially have to work less hours if we move. I would have to either commute possibly up to 2 hours to work or find a new job. The kids would have to move schools and at the moment his mum provides our after school childcare until I get home which clearly couldn't continue at that distance.
I feel like the neighbours are annoying but nowhere near enough to make me want to leave my home of 13 years and uproot my children. DH is fixated on the neighbours and their behaviour and it's almost taken over his life. Should I be trying to see this as a new adventure and go along with his plans to move away or AIBU to dig my heels in and insist that we stick to our plans, with all the arguments etc that will bring?

OP’s posts: |
JuniperFather Fri 07-Aug-20 09:30:02

Have you, or your DH, been round and explained to the neighbours what your issue is?

I had an issue where my neighbours were continuously parking on the pavement in a way that meant my DCs had no room to walk anywhere and bashed their heads on the (not folded in) wing mirrors who doesn't fold them in anyway . They had been spoken to about it before but it didn't stop.

I went round there and was pretty unequivocal, in a very low, polite, measured tone.

I think sometimes you have to do the confrontation bit first, and repeatedly, before you can start worrying about moving if they don't comply.

We seem very good in this country at seething behind closed doors, seething on here, seething everywhere, but a bit of confrontation while seemingly worse, actually could resolve things quicker somehow - or at least show you where you're not going to get any traction, and where you need to escalate.

GhostofFrankGrimes Fri 07-Aug-20 09:31:10

Have a very similar problem. It has taken us 6 years to reach consensus on moving. Having bad neighbours has shredded my nerves, it can do serious damage to mental health. Your DH seems to be at the end of his tether, you need to consider this seriously before things get worse.

hellojim Fri 07-Aug-20 09:31:55

They sound horrendous. Have you contacted the council about their scrambler bike? Surely the noise from that along with the barking would be counted as nuisance noise.

VinylDetective Fri 07-Aug-20 09:35:22

You can move house locally. I would. Life’s far too short to be driven crazy by other people. I’d be on Rightmove now looking for nice properties in a five mile radius.

BrieAndChilli Fri 07-Aug-20 09:37:06

We are in the same position.
We have lived here for 11 years and had several sets of neighbours next door. Never heard a peep. New family moved in end of last year and they are a nightmare.
Doors slamming, parents screaming and shouting, kids (tweens and teens) yelling and screaming, dogs barking all the bloody time, music blaring, hot tub bubbling away late at night, car revving, and it’s got to the point where we can’t stand it. DH did go round to complain about the door slamming but it hasn’t stopped. The mum did say they never heard us (as I was worried we were making as much noise possibly!)
We both rent but they are adding a conservatory etc so obviously there for the long haul. We would love to buy and move but don’t think we are realistically going to get a big enough deposit and similar rentals (3 bed semi) are now at least 50-100% more than what we are paying as rent hasn’t gone up since we have been here (but equally landlord won’t replace anything even though it’s all 20 years old at least!

Yantmu Fri 07-Aug-20 09:38:15

JuniperFather I have spoken to them about other issues. Their dogs were escaping into our garden on a regular basis until recently so I was frequently having to go round to ask them to come and get them. They don't want to talk to us and the older children are actually openly aggressive in their body language and manner. I think confronting them about their behaviour would probably result in all out war between them and DH.

OP’s posts: |
Nottherealslimshady Fri 07-Aug-20 09:38:54

Its clearly affecting his mental health. Cant you just move somewhere else nearby to the kids schools?

1Morewineplease Fri 07-Aug-20 09:39:09

Definitely contact the council again and I agree with @GhostofFrankGrimes your husband is at the end of his tether.

Maybe sell up and rent somewhere nearby for a couple of years then move to the country.

I certainly wouldn’t put up with what you’ve been putting up with.

Branleuse Fri 07-Aug-20 09:40:35

Cant you move but stay local?
I do think this seems to be really affecting your husbands happiness and mental health.
Do you rent?

Yantmu Fri 07-Aug-20 09:41:14

hellojim I contacted the council about it last night so hopefully they will call me to discuss today. I've also downloaded an app to record a diary of the noise.

OP’s posts: |
HeddaGarbled Fri 07-Aug-20 09:41:15

Agree with PPs: moving locally would be a sensible compromise.

HelloDulling Fri 07-Aug-20 09:42:35

Move locally. Well, it sounds simple to put it like that, but if you can.

Yantmu Fri 07-Aug-20 09:43:24

I have suggested moving locally but DH IS against this as he wants to live far away from all people.

OP’s posts: |
Yantmu Fri 07-Aug-20 09:44:01

We have a mortgage so part of the plan was to pay this off and then be mortgage free when we moved.

OP’s posts: |
MinesAPintOfTea Fri 07-Aug-20 09:47:45

Just move. At least sit down and get the plan laid out to get out of there asap.

I am in the middle of leaving DH and one of the reasons is he has refused to negotiate on where we live to the detriment of my mental health.

MrsKingfisher Fri 07-Aug-20 09:47:45

We had a neighbour issue, they had a piano on an adjoining wall (wooden floors also) that was played everyday for 1hr at a time 4 times a day no set times so could be 7am could be 9pm.

It disrupted our lives as we couldn't enjoy our home and the neighbours told us to fuck off they'd play as and when. The council got involved it was a really lengthy process and stressful. We moved and even afterwards I could hear that bloody piano!

Don't underestimate the damage neighbour noise can do to your mental wellbeing. Take him seriously and look at moving if you can.

My dh was the reluctant party but he will tell you he's never been happier than he is now in our new home.

AlCalavicci Fri 07-Aug-20 09:48:00

Have you spoke to them ? I know it is not easy to approch situations like this but it may be worth it , if things get worst you can also hold your head high and say that you have tried to resolve thing before going back to the council.
I would then contact the council again , and get your other neighbours to do so. and complain again.
Do you know if they rent ? can you find out who the LL is and report it to them too .
I do feel for your DH , that kind of thing can become all consuming but he needs to consider your situation too.
It may help if you write a list of pros and cons of moving along the lines of ;
Pros -
get way from noisy neighbours
improvement on DH MH
Nicer house in a area you like

Cons -
Cost , go into this in detail , moving , house buying , council tax / utility difference , commuting etc
disruption to DCs
new job for you ( any prospects in the area ? its bloody hard to get a job in the ATM )
IL wont see DCs
cost of child care
but most important , you may well end up with even worst neighbours !

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Fri 07-Aug-20 09:48:03

Local would be the way to go for me, as PP have suggested. Yantmu you get a say in where to move as well. He doesn't get all his own way with this.

MumW Fri 07-Aug-20 09:49:35

Your DH's MH is important but moving to 'the country' at this point will adversely affect you and the DC so you need to find a balance.

The compromise is clearly moving but staying local to your jobs, the DC's schools and your childcare support, then moving again when DC2 goes to University.

DH can drop some of his extra hours but retain the rest to a,low you to build up the funds for a second move.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Fri 07-Aug-20 09:49:55

And I sympathise, as we are going through something similar. PP's suggesting speaking to them. OP has tried that, and these neighbours are just selfish a*rseholes like ours . There is no reasoning with them.

Wnikat Fri 07-Aug-20 09:49:56

Remember if you do sell you have to share all correspondence with the council about the neighbours with your buyer so don't send too many letters.

heymacaroner Fri 07-Aug-20 09:50:26

Inconsiderate neighbours are a really stressful thing to live with. I sympathise with your DH personally.
It doesn't sound like it's one particular issue that could be solved, more that they sound like noisy and slightly selfish neighbours and it will always be something even if you get this issue resolved. When it's your home you can't get away from it - I bet even when they're quiet he's tense waiting for the next disruption. It can be very stressful and it sounds like he's taking it hard.
I think you need to be flexible about thinking of moving. If you're worried about disrupting DCs schooling why don't you try looking at the schools in the area DH wants to move to?
If it's your work which is going to be impacted, could you look at other jobs? Is there another area which might work for you both better?

FedUpAtHomeTroels Fri 07-Aug-20 09:50:29

Call the council about the scrambler bike, we had a local lad doing this nearby a few years ago and they came out and told him to stop. He now has his uncle take him off somewhere else to ride it regularly, he's actually a nice lad, just didn't have a clue. It disturbed the whole neighbourhood, not just on road.

Starisnotanumber Fri 07-Aug-20 09:51:11

Be careful with you're complaining to official bodies as you are owner occupiers.
You need to disclose issues with neighbours on property searches that your buyers will make
If you haven't made official complaints legally then you can say yes noisy but don't bother us and not declare. If official complaint there is a paper trail.

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