Husband trying to rehome cat behind my back

[Jj2431]

we have a rescue cat. She is 8. Since being pregnant she doesn't want to interact and her behaviour has deteriorated. She does things she never used to, she goes on counter now, if we take her off she wees on it later, she wees in her bed etc and is generally stressed. Whenever she goes out she doesn't come back and the neighbours have now resorted to trapping her as she is bullying the neighbourhood cats out of their homes. We have now decided to keep her in. I know the situation isn't great but I want to keep working at it and hope it improves when baby is born,however, husband has been getting more and more fed up with it all and has no contacted the rescue behind my back to tell them the situation and basically say he wants to return her. He told me after he did it. I feel so betrayed. He isn't even sorry. He said something had to be done as we are all miserable and it's more stress on top of a baby being due in a week. Not sure how I can forgive him for this to be honest. They'll probably take my cat now anyway thanks to him. He thinks AIBU. Am i?

[Hadalifeonce]

I think he was unreasonable to do this behind your back, but I can completely understand where he is coming from. Have you had the cat looked at by a vet to see if there is some pathology which is causing the problems?
I don't think it is particularly fair to keep the cat indoors.

[Ellisandra]

Did he actually ask the rescue to take her back, or did he call up to find out if it was an option? I’d still rather be consulted, but if my husband was otherwise a good partner, I’d cut some slack if it were the latter.

Had you discussed at all that this might happen, between you?

What had you done already about the behaviour?

[CardsforKittens]

It’s really not ok for him to do this behind your back. But I agree a trip to the vet is in order. Also, are you playing with her? Those flying feather cat toys can make a big difference. And have you tried Feliway?

[minipie]

Why do you think the cat is upset by your pregnancy? Have you moved things around or stopped giving her so much attention? If so try putting things back as much as possible.

Perhaps Feliway might help? Or the vet might have some advice?

Husband going behind your back is not on.

[Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches]

He is U to go behind your back.

I’m also not sure that rehoming is the answer. The rescue might be able to give you some advice for while she’s pregnant, and maybe you will be able to get her neutered (is that the right word for a female?) at some point after the baby.

Why wasn’t she neutered to begin with?

[nicky7654]

Your not being unreasonable. Once baby is here the cat may settle and if not will simply need a bit more time and patience. I would be livid as pets are to be loved and not dumped at any sign of difficulties. My dog ate my home and caused thousands of pounds of damage but I still have her and she has settled more. Time, love and patience is the key.

[Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear]

Completely out of order of him. I agree that a trip to the vets is required to double check there isn't a physical problem. They can also recommend things which will help your cat to be calm and adjust better to change.

[1Morewineplease]

I’m not excusing him for going behind your back but it sounds like he’s had enough and probably thinks that you wouldn’t agree to handing it back so thought he’d make enquires himself.

From what you’ve said about your cat, it doesn’t sound as though the current situation can carry on. What if the cat got into your baby’s crib?

Your cat isn’t happy in your home and now you’ve shut it indoors. It’s behaviour may well escalate.

Maybe there’s someone at the rescue who could give you some sound advice.
Give them a call yourself.

[Jj2431]

It's been said before that something needs to change but I didn't think he would contact the rescue behind my back. He said he knew I'd say no to her going back so took charge himself.

Medical wise she is fine as she was checked during vaccinations recently. I didn't stop giving her attention either. Not sure why this happened. Toys aren't an option. She is 8 and doesn't like playing. I'm going to get some feliway, well I will if he hasn't put her in the carrier and sent her away by then.

[BestZebbie]

How did you get her from a rescue un-neutered in the first place? Don't all rescues spay as a matter of course before they allow rehoming?
Or did you rehome her privately (through gumtree etc), in which case there is no obligation on the previous owner to take her back if they didn't want to keep her in the first place?

[Jj2431]

It is me that is pregnant not her
She is spayed

[Ritascornershop]

Why would the cat be upset because you’re pregnant? That doesn’t make any sense. Have you had her checked for a physical problem?

[BestZebbie]

[Jj2431]

apologies that my OP wasn't clear about who was pregnant thanks

[justasking111]

Have her checked for an uti at the vet would be my advice, no way does she know you are pregnant. She is probably unwell.

[Tlollj]

I too don’t understand why you being pregnant would upset the cat. How does she know?
Trip to the vet. Maybe a kidney problem if she’s weeing a lot?

[HavelockVetinari]

The cat is stressed and unhappy - I suppose there's an off-chance it's due to your pregnancy, but it'll get much worse when the baby is born, cats often find babies very stressful.

Have you had a full check up at the vets? There could be a physical reason she's behaving like this. If you can't find one though I think rehoming is the kindest thing to do, some cats shouldn't be in a home with children, they find it too stressful.

[Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear]

When we were having issues with a female cat attacking me (and only me not DH or DS) the vet mentioned she could be reacting badly to my female hormones so perhaps cats can tell when someone is pregnant!

[PlanDeRaccordement]

Cats can tell when you are pregnant. I’d look to rehome her as well, tbh. Perhaps she was with a family where there was a baby. Cats can be very frightened of babies.

[RaisinGhost]

That's horrible, this sounds like a tough situation, but it should be a decision you make together. Not sure what you mean by this though They'll probably take my cat now anyway thanks to him. The rescue won't come by and steal your cat on the strength of one phone call?

[Mumoblue]

Rehome the husband.

I'm kidding, but I would be very angry about this. I would talk to your vet to see what you can do about it before letting him jump to rehoming the cat. The cat obviously sounds stressed and you may be able to help her with medication, or perhaps a feliway plug in.

My cat got a UTI when I was pregnant due to stress. Mostly at us moving furniture around without her permission. She is entirely settled (and actually more affectionate) now that the baby is here.

[EvenMoreFuriousVexation]

I also thought it was the cat that was pregnant!

Cats can detect hormones though, isn't that how Feliway works? But it's more likely the behaviour change is coincidental timing.

Have you spoken to the vet and asked if they could see her?

Your husband should not have phoned the rescue without speaking to you, but he has a point - dealing with a newborn is hard enough as it is, without adding an unpredictable and somewhat aggressive cat to the mix.

[Trisolaris]

Are you shutting her out of your bedroom in preparation for the babies arrival? That can be quite unsettling for cats because they don’t understand why you are withdrawing affection so need lots of reassurance.

[mylittlesandwich]

One of my girls didn't take to the baby well. She had stress induced UTI's and everything. A couple of feliways have sorted her completely.

[Newnamenewopenme]

I think I’m too tired today. I thought the cat was pregnant!