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To want a 3rd child even though I already have 2 disabled children

(202 Posts)
Fedupmum88 Wed 05-Aug-20 22:20:30

I have two children with severe asd. I love them both dearly but it is hard work. Alongside the ASD they have a few health issues and sleep disorders. It is very unlikely that they will ever be able to live independently. AIBU to want a third child?

OP’s posts: |
wizzywig Wed 05-Aug-20 22:21:35

I have 3 with asd. Love them with all my heart, but god its hard

anothernewyear Wed 05-Aug-20 22:23:30

I wouldn't have a 3rd child in your situation. It would be a lot of the other child to have to deal with growing up. Sorry OP, it doesnt sound easy x

Still1nLove Wed 05-Aug-20 22:23:59

As an adult with a disabled sibling, I’d say no

MarthasGinYard Wed 05-Aug-20 22:24:02

Personally it sounds as if you have your work cut out already

Presuming you are really comfortably off though, and have time to invest in them and you both on board with deciding.

lydia7986 Wed 05-Aug-20 22:25:32

What if dc3 also has asd and/or health issues? Will that make your life even harder?

And if they don’t, what will be the impact on them of growing up in a house with two disabled siblings who presumably need a lot of time and attention? Will you be able to meet their needs too?

These are really difficult questions, but you need to think very deeply about them before you make a decision.

MarthasGinYard Wed 05-Aug-20 22:26:34

Actually I recall your recent thread and I would say definitely not.

Yellownotblue Wed 05-Aug-20 22:29:32

Oh dear, I’m sorry OP. This must be very hard. You’re not BU wanting another child, but I think YABU if you act on it and have another.

If your third child is disabled, your life will be so much harder.

If your third child is healthy, they will have to look after their siblings in future life, after you’ve gone.

I don’t think that’s a very fair hand to be dealt.

doityourselfnow Wed 05-Aug-20 22:34:07

Based on previous threads....... YABU!

Sorry, read back on them.

Fedupmum88 Wed 05-Aug-20 22:34:26

Thank you everyone I appreciate your honesty. I love them both dearly but can’t help feeling a bit robbed, this is not how I imagined parenting to be 😢

OP’s posts: |
PickAChew Wed 05-Aug-20 22:35:03

I have 2 with asd and comorbids and even if my personal limit hadn't been 2 children, I couldn't have gone for a third. My two have lots of incompatible needs and quirks and cannot tolerate each other. I couldn't have faced the impact on them of another child, whether NT or, more likely, not. If I had an NT child, as a PP mentioned, I would hate to think that they'd feel burdened by caring for their older siblings or that they would have to miss out on things because of them.

And severely autistic children do become severely autistic teenagers then severely autistic adults. The challenges don't go away, they just evolve.

WorraLiberty Wed 05-Aug-20 22:38:28

Unless your DP has changed into an entirely different person, I certainly wouldn't advise it OP thanks

Franklinstein Wed 05-Aug-20 22:39:27

After my 2nd child was diagnosed my DH went for the snip, we were so sure we didn't want another child!

lukasiak Wed 05-Aug-20 22:39:27

My younger brother has asd, and I love the life out of him, but I'm 14 years older. I don't think that I would've enjoyed being my youngest (20 years younger) as much. It's a horrible thing to say, but I don't think it's fair on younger siblings. Older siblings have no choice but to suck it up, but to knowingly bring another child into that situation? No.

Megan2018 Wed 05-Aug-20 22:40:59

I think it would be an entirely wrong thing to bring another child into that mix. Unfair on them and their siblings.

I understand the desire though, entirely different circumstances here but I have to stick at 1 even though I would like another. But it would be wrong.

Fedupmum88 Wed 05-Aug-20 22:41:00

PickAChew

I have 2 with asd and comorbids and even if my personal limit hadn't been 2 children, I couldn't have gone for a third. My two have lots of incompatible needs and quirks and cannot tolerate each other. I couldn't have faced the impact on them of another child, whether NT or, more likely, not. If I had an NT child, as a PP mentioned, I would hate to think that they'd feel burdened by caring for their older siblings or that they would have to miss out on things because of them.

And severely autistic children do become severely autistic teenagers then severely autistic adults. The challenges don't go away, they just evolve.

Thank you. I know deep down I’m just being selfish and thinking of my own wants and dreams. My children need to come first.

OP’s posts: |
AriettyHomily Wed 05-Aug-20 22:41:14

Do you want the third to have a "normal child"? What if they're not NT and then you have three with additional needs?

puzzledpiece Wed 05-Aug-20 22:45:13

Sad can't be screened for or eliminated with genetic testing, so likelihood of a third affected child are very high. Personally I wouldn't risk it.

Happymum12345 Wed 05-Aug-20 22:45:21

If you long for a third child, have one if you’re able to. Each child is different & each child is a blessing. Personally I don’t think having a third is much harder than having two children.

MumsyMumIAmNot Wed 05-Aug-20 22:45:52

YABU.

steff13 Wed 05-Aug-20 22:46:57

Happymum12345, even when the first two have complicated disabilities?

cleanermam92 Wed 05-Aug-20 22:47:59

I think YABU

ArriettyJones Wed 05-Aug-20 22:49:14

puzzledpiece

Sad can't be screened for or eliminated with genetic testing, so likelihood of a third affected child are very high. Personally I wouldn't risk it.

There’s a mum somewhere here on MN who used donor gametes for her third precisely because her first two DC had severe autism. Her story will be somewhere on the donor conception board.

Fedupmum88 Wed 05-Aug-20 22:50:02

AriettyHomily

Do you want the third to have a "normal child"? What if they're not NT and then you have three with additional needs?

I always wanted a big family. I love the pregnancy and baby stage.

OP’s posts: |
cheeseandhambaguette Wed 05-Aug-20 22:51:28

Oh bless you, is it partly a desire for a ‘neuro typical’ child and getting a chance to experience parenting ‘normally’ and the way you’d imagined it?

My 2nd DC has ASD, not severe but it’s still hard accepting the way I’d imagined our family life and the experience I wanted. Sometimes I have a strong desire to have a third to try and get back what I thought I’d experience. I’ve read how the odds are increased when you already have ASD kids though which helps inform my decision.

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