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The age old female friend problem

(139 Posts)
Vivienne291 Wed 05-Aug-20 16:33:57

New boyfriend, female friend of 4/5 years who has a long-term boyfriend. I'm sure there is nothing to worry about and i'm not planning to say anything to him or do anything.
Just they are very close, we were meant to facetime last night but he didn't as he got back too late, then I found out he'd had time to do one with her.

A few weeks ago we had arranged one for a certain time then he asked if we could do it a bit later as he was doing one with her.

We've rearranged it for tonight and if it doesn't happen again I will be pretty disappointed.

Something happened to her which wasn't very good, think another friend was a bit harsh to her and my boyfriend has been at her beck and call about it, even told his parents what's happened to her, and talking to me lots about it. Just seems so protective of her and telling me how strong she is. It's great he supports her but it makes me a bit jealous and I wonder if I would get the same report.
The thing that had happened came up in conversation and I told him how sadly it had happened to me too a few times (wasn't trying to make it about me) and he was just like oh no and then that's it.

I've met her and she was nice, it was like he didn't want the night to end though and then saying how sweet she was. I was very generous to her but he didn't say anything about that.

I'm prepared to be called names, told i'm jealous etc. And that's fine, but i'm not planning to say anything to him unless he does something really out of line.

Just want some reassurance that i'm human. I'm sure after several years they would be together if they wanted and he's perfectly entitled to female friends.

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Vivienne291 Wed 05-Aug-20 16:40:29

Same support * sorry not report

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Vivienne291 Wed 05-Aug-20 16:42:04

I have male friends who I meet alone too and send some messages to, but I keep a respectable distance, call me old-fashioned but I think when you're in a relationship you should make you partner feel like the priority.

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Myyearmytime Wed 05-Aug-20 16:44:11

You can smell it not right . Trust your instincts...

Vivienne291 Wed 05-Aug-20 16:46:08

But the last time I saw her he was very sweet, including me, being very affectionate and talking to me lots kind of thing.
It makes me jealous when he gushes about her but that's probably just my own problem.
Also she was 1.5 hours late to meet us and he didn't even say anything.
At the same time I tell myself that after several years, they would be together by now surely ?

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user1494055864 Wed 05-Aug-20 16:50:38

Its early days and you are already doubting yourself and feeling a bit crap. Please set your bar much higher and dump him x

Vivienne291 Wed 05-Aug-20 16:51:25

Do you think i'm right to feel that way, or BU ?

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RestorationInsanity Wed 05-Aug-20 16:51:46

I think when you're a couple it can be difficult if one of you has a very close friend that you or they are used to be spending loads of time with, and that dynamic doesn't always fit well when someone new comes on the scene. In some ways it doesn't matter at the moment whether there is/has been/will be something going on between them romantically, if you feel that the level of thought and time put into your relationship isn't enough for you, or is disproportionate to the amount of time he puts into his friendship with her, then you won't be happy.

Vivienne291 Wed 05-Aug-20 16:54:14

I can't trust her either, maybe she's all sweetness as a front but secretly wants him for herself, maybe it's always been bad timing for them, you do hear of those situationships where they secretly liked each other for years but were never both single at the same time.
I just cba with it all, you don't need to deal with it when you're single.

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VacMan Wed 05-Aug-20 16:59:43

It's not worth all this angst this early on. This is the new buzzy stage were he should be excited to speak to you, not put you on the back burner so he can facetime his friend and leave you hanging.

If he's like this now it doesn't bode well for long term.

I'd cut my losses.

SweetBillie Wed 05-Aug-20 17:02:25

Hmm. I'd go with your gut on this. She is his priority, not you. Tell him this is why you are ending things.

AdoreTheBeach Wed 05-Aug-20 17:10:47

As a previous poster stated,you should be your BF priority not this other girl, especially she has her own boyfriend who should be supporting her in that capacity. If you feel this continues, end it now before you get too far invested. Do tell him why as well.

Vivienne291 Wed 05-Aug-20 17:16:08

Thank you everyone. I expected to be told I was a psycho etc. This is Mumsnet after all lol.
You're right, her boyfriend should be her main support.
I'll give it a bit longer, and if it continues sadly I will end it. I will tell him why though first and see if he attempts to resolve things.

I would never expect him to give up the friendship or whatever, after all she was there way before I was. However, I shouldn't feel like second best.

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Cheeseandwin5 Wed 05-Aug-20 17:23:02

It depends on when you say it is a new relationship how new do you mean.
I would be horrified if my close friends cast me aside just because they had got into a new relationship.

ChupForPresident Wed 05-Aug-20 17:23:39

I don't think you are unreasonable to feel this way.
It's the start of your relationship, he should be all over you, wanting to spend time with you and cutting time with her to face time you not the other way around.
I would be distancing myself to be honest, i couldn't deal with not being No 1 priority. (Exceptions apply of course, ie if partner had children they should be priority)

Vivienne291 Wed 05-Aug-20 17:24:25

A couple of months now. I would never expect him to cast anyone aside and I wouldn't do that either, it's a question of making you feel like a friend is more of a priority.

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Thesheerrelief Wed 05-Aug-20 17:26:04

She seems to occupy the girlfriend 'space' in his life without being his girlfriend. Of course he can have female friends but I understand why you feel uneasy

Ohfredcomeon Wed 05-Aug-20 17:29:04

This would actually really grind my gears. It wouldn’t be for me I’m afraid.

I went out with some one once who had a ‘bromance’ with his best mate. I found that really intense and weird and wouldn’t be able to neck it if it was a woman either

MaeDanvers Wed 05-Aug-20 17:31:18

I’d be quite worried about how uneven this friendship seems. Your examples sort of show him running around after her and putting himself out but not much on her end. Seems like she doesn’t test him that well?

Vivienne291 Wed 05-Aug-20 17:31:18

It's such a shame because everything is great otherwise. At the same time, he's tried to get me to be friends with her whereas if he had something to hide then maybe he wouldn't ?

My ex cheated on me and left me for his 'friend', and he wouldn't let me meet her as he said it was 'weird', and constantly hung out with her which I was never invited to.

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MaeDanvers Wed 05-Aug-20 17:31:33

Treat not test!

katy1213 Wed 05-Aug-20 17:32:29

She's a longer standing friend than you are. You don't get to be a priority after a couple of months.

Completelyfrozen Wed 05-Aug-20 17:32:36

The first thing that jumped out at me was that the reason they are not in a relationship is because she is not interested in your boyfriend, but he is very much invested in her.
This has nothing to do with wrong timings or other partners. It's very simple. She doesnt want him as a boyfriend, she just likes his attention.
I'd leave him.

Vivienne291 Wed 05-Aug-20 17:35:09

Maybe he's always pined after her but she's never wanted him, that's very true.
A lot of people do just love the attention.
Apparently during full lockdown she was texting him late at night saying she was sad and stuff like that like at 2am.

In response to PP, when do you become priority then ?

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OutOfHours Wed 05-Aug-20 17:35:14

Ask for a group call 😁

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