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Cut a 44 year friendship off

(232 Posts)
Whosmadnow Tue 04-Aug-20 23:41:58

This has bothered me for a while now. I've been friends with someone for over 40 years. We have been through everything together, births, marriages, deaths etc. I saw her as the sister I never had. I even introduced her to her husband. and she mine. We shared everything together.
Her son got married a while ago and she and her DH paid for some of the wedding so could invite a few people. You can guess where this is going. No invite. Her son even spent time in my home as a holiday guest. I am so hurt, both of them were closer than my own family and I have now cut all contact with them. The worst thing is two days after the wedding her DH invited me to support him at a charity event which involved me travelling 300 miles to see him. He didn't understand why I
was so upset.
AIBU

OP’s posts: |
ChristmasinJune Tue 04-Aug-20 23:55:06

I can see why you feel a bit put out but honestly I think ending the friendship is quite extreme. It was her son's wedding not hers. Do you know who she did invite? Relatives? People the son and wife have a close bond with?

Have you talked it through with them and cleared the air? I wouldn't give up such a long standing friendship so easily. How long has it been since you were in touch and have they tried to contact you at all?

1Morewineplease Tue 04-Aug-20 23:55:24

Wow. I really don’t know what to say OP.
Ultimately the guest list is up to the bride and groom but even so...
I’m not surprised that you feel hurt, particularly as the groom has used your property.
I’m not surprised that you didn’t want to attend his charity event.
What does your friend say about all of this? She must surely be embarrassed.

Mummyshark2018 Tue 04-Aug-20 23:55:31

Sounds like the sons and his new wife's choice and not your friends?? Which is how it should be. I wouldn't be annoyed by this unless I knew my friend had invited other friends but excluded you.

Fightthebear Tue 04-Aug-20 23:59:03

I can’t understand how you managed to maintain a 44 year friendship without being able to talk about stuff.

Couldn’t you tell her how you feel and see what she says?

madcatladyforever Wed 05-Aug-20 00:01:37

I just ended a 35 year friendship because the person concerned suddenly started continually posting rascist shit on my facebook page despite knowing my siblings - also on my facebook - are mixed race,
That was the kiss of death for me.

RedNun Wed 05-Aug-20 00:02:42

I can see how you would have been upset if this friend had not invited you to her own wedding, but this was someone else’s wedding, regardless of her financial contribution. It would never have occurred to me to expect a wedding invitation from a friend’s child, unless I was extremely close to them, separately to my friendship with the parent. I think you’re being entitled and unreasonable.

agonyauntie2020 Wed 05-Aug-20 00:04:28

How big was the wedding?

Freddiefox Wed 05-Aug-20 00:04:58

Well what did they say when you asked them why you weren’t invited? And who did they o vote instead?
What is your relationship like with sons and dil?

Whosmadnow Wed 05-Aug-20 00:08:02

Thank you for your input. I did speak to both of them but they didn't see the problem and just thought I was having a 'hissy fit'. Their words. They did invite other people they had not known for very long which stung a lot. I was there from the moment their her son was born and have looked after him too. They didn't see a problem and just said it wasn't their decision. The fact that they invited people purely who were known to friends of theirs made me feel rejected.

OP’s posts: |
Chloemol Wed 05-Aug-20 00:08:56

I understand what people are saying about it’s not her wedding etc, however she could have explained to the op, it’s a small wedding, none of my friends are going or whatever especially as the son has spent time in the ops home and must be aware of the long standing friendship

I would be hurt to if the friendship is more as sisters.

RedNun Wed 05-Aug-20 00:10:46

I really don’t see how you can possibly know the extent to which your friends had a totally free choice over some portion of the guest list.

MrsPerfect12 Wed 05-Aug-20 00:11:12

If they invited other friends that's not nice and I'd feel the same.

livefornaps Wed 05-Aug-20 00:12:32

So just a minute if both your friend and her son have said that you are having a "hissy fit", does that mean that you have already raised the fact that you were not invited with them directly? If so, how did you put it and what was their reaction?

redcarbluecar Wed 05-Aug-20 00:12:40

Why would they ‘reject’ you though- what are you suspecting?

Whosmadnow Wed 05-Aug-20 00:13:23

They had 150 people. I know that they had free reign as my ex, who was invited, informed me and I know some of the people invited only knew the parents. Maybe I should just let it go.

OP’s posts: |
BlogTheBlogger Wed 05-Aug-20 00:15:02

Did she give a reason for inviting others she hadn't known as long, and not you?

CoRhona Wed 05-Aug-20 00:17:44

Definitely let it go. You can't change anything now and you'll never know the real reason so as much as you feel hard done by, it's only causing you stress.

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead Wed 05-Aug-20 00:20:33

I agree with you Op - you've been treated appallingly and I don't blame you for cutting contact. They're entitled to invite who they want but equally, you're entitled to feel how you feel and ditch them as you're worth more than being treated and feeling like shit.

user1468538201 Wed 05-Aug-20 00:22:21

Maybe it was because your ex was there? Maybe you are not as good friends as you thought? Maybe they didn't want you there, would you have known other guests or just the groom and his parents, if so they may have thought you'd expect them to spend time with you when in fact they had 100+ others to consider. It's up to you to decide to let it go or to abandon 40 odd years friendship, if you decide to forget about it be sure to do just that, never ever mention it again.

Whosmadnow Wed 05-Aug-20 00:22:48

I did ask why I wasn't invited, after the event, and got told that they hadn't meant to hurt me. Nothing else. They have supported me through some horrendous years and life changing events so I genuinely struggle to know why I was left out. Everyone I know and have known for decades was there. Im still so sad.

OP’s posts: |
BlogTheBlogger Wed 05-Aug-20 00:25:16

Your ex was invited but not you? Even odder confused

IWantT0BreakFree Wed 05-Aug-20 00:30:40

Perhaps she doesn't see the friendship in the same light as you. You are obviously very invested and consider her like a sister, but perhaps to her you are one of many friends. That's not to say she doesn't care for you, or that her feelings for you have changed. I suppose it depends whether or not you can accept being further down her list of priorities than she is for you. I understand why it stings and why you may not feel you can overcome it, but on the other hand if nothing has actually changed and she has always felt this way then you would be throwing away a friendship that has been fulfilling to you for almost half a century. Friendship doesn't need to be exclusive to be significant.

BumbleBeee69 Wed 05-Aug-20 00:31:52

Close the door on these USER twats... happy enough to invite you to part with your Cash at his charity night 300 miles away though right... they think you're a Mug and if you let them away with it .. you are a Mug ... 🌺

TulipsandDa1s1es Wed 05-Aug-20 00:37:42

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all. i think if i asked why and was met by the answers you have said, that would be the end of the friendship.

however, just to add, when my brother got married he caused trouble with his guest list. despite my parents paying for a lot of the wedding he and his bride decided my mothers eldest sister wasnt invited. no reason given other than "im not close to her" (which is a lie). all other aunties and uncles invited. most declined out of loyalty (i dont blame them). it caused a huge family row, made even worse by the fact my parents didnt just tell this auntie "he doesnt want you there". instead they protected him and acted like it was normal and repeated "well he hasnt seen you since christmas". we still dont know the reason but I would think he has one. Perhaps their son said no to you being on the guest list and has some reason you are unaware of.

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