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not to want mil to buy ds a present when it is dd birthday

(57 Posts)
Sunshine78 Tue 02-Oct-07 08:22:34

It is my dd 1st birthday at the weekend and I've gone through 2 hour tantrums when I took my ds (3) to buy his sister a present and he didn't get one. I've had to keep telling him all week he can't unwrap her presents and play with them. I want him to learn its not all aboout receiving and sometimes you have to give. Then last nigh MIL calls to say shes got him a present so he doesn't feel left out angry. If I dont allow her to give it to him she will be in a mood the whole party and ruin that.

BecauseImWereWolfit Tue 02-Oct-07 08:25:48

He's still probably a bit little to really understand birthdays properly! Why don't you ask your MIL to give him his present before the party and in private, and just present it as a gift from gran. He'll be happy, she'll be happy and no-one else will ever be the wiser.

So I suppose I think you are being a little unreasonable (but can see there may be other issues over control and MILs underlying this grin)

Lorayn Tue 02-Oct-07 08:41:39

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest, this used to really get my goat with my exdp's sisters children (my 'nephews')

The eldest child was 30 months older than the youngest, and he kicked off on the first birthday, so he got bought a present (sure, teach child that kick off=present, even on someone elses birthday)

We were even asked to buy two small presents instead of one big one shock

3 is not too young to understand birthdays, ds is going to be 3 in december and he understands that when it is someone elses birthday then it isn't for him.

I think as MIL has already bought a present then maybe she should give him it after the party, or save it for another day, but I don't see it's fair, presents aren't for any old reason, they are for xmas and birthdays. If bought at any other time they should be bought for both children, so DS should not be getting a present if DD isn't unless it is their birthday!

feelingfedup Tue 02-Oct-07 08:41:51

ffs - he is 3. What do you expect, of course he is going to get upset when his sister gets a load of pressies.

Grandma is completly right - give him something so he does not feel left out.

bozza Tue 02-Oct-07 08:45:18

I don't really think YABU but I think that it might be one of those battles that is best not to fight. My MIL does this for my DD (who is now 3) but not for my DS (who is 6). So when it was DS's 4th birthday and DD was 9 months, DD got a present, whereas when DD was 1 and DS was 4.3 he got nothing. hmm really don't get this because obviously a 9mo is pretty oblivious to all this. But that has also been the pattern for the subsequent two years. Although bizarrely every year DD gets a rag doll. I have not said anything because I think DS is actually totally unaware of it.

Lorayn Tue 02-Oct-07 08:45:21

"What do you expect, of course he is going to get upset when his sister gets a load of pressies."

And how about next year when he is four?? and remembers that on his sisters birthday he got a present too. Or how about the daughter? When she is 3 should she be getting a present on the sons birthday?? That will be the sons 5th birthday will it not?? So on her 4th he will expect a present, and on, and on, and on. When do you stop.

I'd nip it in the bud and not bother starting now. Teach your children to be appreciative of what they get and not spoiled because someone else is getting something.

Debbiethemum Tue 02-Oct-07 08:47:29

I also think 3 is old enough to cope, without getting a present on someone else's birthday.
DS copes, and he has it tough as it is dd's birthday, 1 week later it's dh's, 9 days later it's mine. Then he has to wait a month for his.

eleanorsmum Tue 02-Oct-07 08:48:03

my dad (absent father!) always sent a small pressi for me at my bothers birthday as it was same week as my mums too. he still sent for her btw. so i didn't feel left out, didn't affect me! enjoyed the extra surprise gift and helped me understand giving in a roundabout way. dad always sent for my bruv at my birthday too! we're all well adjusted and not deamanding pressies at others birthdays!!!

MamaGotaDyson Tue 02-Oct-07 08:49:53

No, YANBU, I don't think you should get into the habit. Tell MIL about the tantrum etc and that you ahve decided to nip it in the bud. If she sulks, tell her to eff off home!

Sunshine78 Tue 02-Oct-07 09:28:39

Thanks for advise think will see if she will give it to me so I can just slip it in with his things or save it for when he deserves a present - I just want him and eventualy dd to appreciate lifes not always about gwtting presents and if I allow it this year I'm setting a president even if some think he's too young to understand.

kslatts Tue 02-Oct-07 09:31:31

My dd's (now 8 and 5), have always let each other share the unwrapping of their birthday presents. They both understand who the present belongs to, but once they are open they also play with them together. The same way they share all their toys. They are quite happy for each other to play with their new toys.

thelittleElf Tue 02-Oct-07 09:34:35

Sorry but children need to learn that not EVERYTHING in life is about them hmm......sorry if that sounds harsh!

SpookyDooooo Tue 02-Oct-07 09:35:47

Well personally i like my children to share, it was ds's 5th birthday the other week & myself & my mum brought dd (20 months) a little present to unwrap.

It worked out really well. dd really enjoyed it & ds was very happy.

Ds was actually getting dd involved in the end & passing her the odd present to open for him smile

glaskham Tue 02-Oct-07 09:35:50

i have to say on my dd's first birthday in april my ds was just 2, we got him a very small gift for him off his sister as a thankyou for the nice presents he got her!! but she handed it to him after he'd seen her open all her presents first- he was very good actually- better than expected at such a young age!! maybe hats worth a try? use the gift as a thankyou from his sister? but only after he's understood they are her presents and she opens them!!

morethanmum Tue 02-Oct-07 09:39:15

I think I'm going to be on my own with this answer! In our house the birthday child has always bought a small present (book/ doll's outfit etc) for the non birthday siblings. It's worked really well, and distracts them from the birthday child's hoard of presents. I think it's quite nice, and solves any jealousy. Why have to get cross on someone's birthday?

fishie Tue 02-Oct-07 09:41:48

well it is difficult when you ahve already said no. can you get him to do something he hates and then mil can 'reward' him?

we always had unbirthday presents too, my bday was just after xmas so it was a long time to go otherwise! only a little present, in comparison with the birthday person's many. it is a celebration after all.

Charlee Tue 02-Oct-07 09:42:44

My kids always get given money by there great grandparents who live far away and they always get to choose there own gift to buy with it, usually at the gift dhop of wherever they go for there birthday. They always opt to buy the other sibling a little present with there birthday money iyswim, it works out well and we have never had any problems.

PeterCushion Tue 02-Oct-07 09:47:41

I don't think that Grandma bringing a small present for the non-birthday sibling is a big deal.

She will bring one for your DD when it is your DS's birthday.

And it won't destroy any work you have done with him about sharing.

Hulababy Tue 02-Oct-07 09:51:16

MIL is just trying to be nice. I am sure if you explain about the tantrum then you can come to some compromise - having the little gift later on after his sister has had hers, or seperately in the day altogether.

Can't see why the older sibling can't help his sister unwrap the presents though. Nice for them to be able to share IMO. Especially as DD is only 1yo anyway so will need help from someone, same as blowing out the candles on a cake. Couldn't it be his big older brother responsibility - to help his baby sister out and show her the lovely things people have bought her for her special day?

If you make the birthday special for him in someway - giving him responsible "jobs" for the day and maybe making decisions about decorations/food/cake etc. it might be less of a tantrum affair and more relaxed.

BTW, as siblings me and my brother (16 months apaprt) and my sister (10 years youger) always helped one another on birthdays esp when little. All of us are perfectly happy and contended adults who enjoy giving as much as recieving, and can all share, take turns AND be helpful and responsible too.

FLIER Tue 02-Oct-07 09:56:47

we took our ds to buy a present for his wee sis for his 1st birthday, and he was so excited about that, is that something you could do?

lilolilmanchester Tue 02-Oct-07 09:59:27

I can see where you're coming from, but also think your MIL is trying to be thoughtful. One suggestion would be for your MIL to have a quiet word with your DS before the party and say if he is helpful and kind at the party, she might have a little something for him afterwards? She can also remind him of that during the party if he starts to act up .So he sees it as a reward for not acting on any jealousy he feels (only natural) with all the attention she'll get? He is only 3 and while I can see why someone's saying "what'll happen when he's 4 etc" - well, he'll be a year older then. Depends on whether your annoyance is not just about this situation? Family politics - nightmare! Hope you find a good resolution of all of you.

Sunshine78 Tue 02-Oct-07 10:07:18

I am getting ds involved in the preparations for the party baking/helping his little sis. I just want him to learn you dont always get (he has had alot recently for no particular reason - a bike as a friend was giving it away I know I didn't buy it but he doesn't realise this he just sees it as another thing he has) I want my children to grow up to appreciate what they have not just expect to get the next thing at a drop of a hat. Perhaps I am abit hard but its the way I am.

nospeak Tue 02-Oct-07 10:09:32

YABU, he is only 3 fgs! Why can't he unwrap her presents and play with them, she is only a baby. Surely, you want him to learn about sharing too? You could create problems with jealousy if you make such a big deal out of it being his sisters birthday and not his.

Lorayn Tue 02-Oct-07 10:12:58

Only 3????
3 is plenty old enough for him to understand, and remember when it comes to his birthday. Of course it isn't creating jealousy, children are more likely to get jealous when older, if he learns now that he can't have everything it will be much better for him in the long run.

LIZS Tue 02-Oct-07 10:17:20

GP's often bring something small for the non b'day child. As long as they realise that the b'day child gets the limelight , perhaps waiting until after the b'day child has opened their main pressies, don't see the issue. A 1 year old isn't going to notice and will need help anyway.

SIL actually once asked some relatives to bring extra pressies for her dd who has December b'day to her summer born ds' party, which we drew the line at.

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